until the last moment
by sadsadtree
Summary: After a series of chain-things happened between she and El，Olivia's life turned upside down, which even left some permanent trauma. "As colorful leaves fading away, the context of your life unfolds itself." This will be an A/O/E triangle story, contains lots of twists,pain,romance... Eventually AO or EO? Let's wait and see. warn:adult contents,possibly slight femslash on the way.
1. Chapter 1

**_This story had been released a week ago, but I deleted it soon, to correct some spelling and grammar errors. I apologize…!_**

**_Sorry to all the readers here, English is not my mother tongue… :( though, I'll do my best to make my fic readable. And hope you guys can give some help, and tell me how you feel. _**

**_Thanks a lot!_**

**_Sadly, I don't own any character. But can dream!:)_**

**_Well, in this story, EO had been partnered for 11 years, and Alex had never been in the WPP._**

**_Expecting your review, and please be kind. _**

**_Thanks again! :)_**

* * *

><p>PROLOG<p>

_Where am I? _

Reopened her sore eyes and slowly blinked the fuzzy away, Olivia surprisingly found that all the pain and coldness were gone. Uncountable times, she'd tried uncountable times, to concentrate, to think, but always ended up falling asleep or passing out.

Only this time, things were different.

She actually saw things, things dragging her back to the present. Trees, pine trees, snow… hell, she was still standing in the knee-deep snow with bare feet and legs. No, not only this, she realized her body was literally naked up and down.

Funny thing was, she didn't feel anything, also, she couldn't move any part of her body any inch.

_Shit__…_

She remembered, remembered how she ended up here and how desperately she'd wanted to run, to fight… But now, with her mouth gagged, she was deadly tied to a tree, exposing in this world of ice and snow.

_Just how fucking long I've been staying like this? _

Damn, seemed she overrated her brain…

Now, the whole world drifted in some creepy silence, making her heartbeat sounded a bit too loud and unreal.

_Am I dying?_She wondered.

In all the years, seeing death and blood, Olivia had thought about moment like this from time to time. She'd pictured being shot, stabbed, strangled… just like the dead bodies she saw, and she used to wonder which way was most painful.

But didn't know since when, she began to feel numb about death, her own death.

Well, yes, a cop's life was not so crapy, at least for the victims' sake. Though, somehow, part of her always felt her birth, her whole life as some mistake, no matter she'd admitted it or not.

There were big hollows in her heart, and seemed no way on earth could anyone actually fix any of them.

Yeah, as people said, life was lonely.

For Olivia, she'd been living lonely for all her life, and her strength was burning out.

Suddenly, death was not that horrible at all. Maybe, maybe it just felt like a peaceful sleep, release… even a mercy?

Before everything sank in the dark, Olivia smiled a happy tear slipping down her face.

…

CHAPTER 1

_**Before**_

Putting one hand on her partner's forearm carefully, Olivia made her voice as calm as she could.

"El, let go of him. Come on, hey, you're choking him..."

"Get off me, bi-" he bit off the last word.

Olivia stilled, and blushed in anger and hurt.

She closed her eyes, hearing their perp coughing, gasping, and Elliot storming out of the interrogation room, leaving the door trembling like hell.

Olivia still couldn't believe her ears. Did that bastard just call her "bitch"? Well, no doubt he was the F-words master, but this, this was new for her.

Even for her.

Indeed, this case was really a pain in the ass. Because it had been more than one month since the first victim showed up, who was a 14 years old girl, raped and beaten to death. By now, they had got seven teenage girls died in the same M.O.

Series cases were always stressful for cops, especially when they got family problems. Therefore, Olivia Benson had already been holding on in the hard days and never really spat a harsh word to her moody, rude, always-slapping-things-around, partner.

But now, the good-tempered Olivia was barely there.

Catching her partner by the entrance of squad room, Captain Donald Cragen was already doing what she wanted to.

Standing toe to toe with his red-faced detective, Cragen forced his hands in pants' pockets, as if fighting the urge of twisting Elliot's head off.

"You, are, suspended, Stabler! From now on, DO NOT show your face in my bullpen again, till you got the fire on your fat tail extinguished! You understand?"

Elliot breathed out a chuckle, "Whatever, boss." Immediately, he pulled out his weapon and badge, shoved in Cragen's hand, before grabbing his coat and left.

"And you, detective Benson," Cragen didn't even turn, already knew Olivia was on her way to catch Elliot. "Just leave your partner alone and get into my office, NOW."

Damn. She stopped in half way, flushed for drawing so many attentions from her co-workers, as if she couldn't just leave her partner for a second or something. And she ducked into Cragen's room quickly, before actually heard what people whispering about.

"How many times do you think you can cover for your partner, Benson?" Cragen throwing out his rage even before Olivia actually shut the door steady. "He's been acting like some silly rookie for nearly... what, half month maybe? And I'm sure as hell it's not the first time he attempted to beat the confession out of the perp! "

He took a breath; eyes never left Olivia's guilty face. "You think just keeping me in the dark and pretending everything's fine, so you can work all the problems through as well as the case, don't you?"

"Cap, I uh... he," not sure where to start, Olivia only felt like a five-years-old wetting bed got caught. "… He's in lots of stress recently, you know, and I've always been keeping an eye on h..."

Cragen cut her off impatiently, "You've babied him all the time and you never questioned a bit his professional attitude?"

Now, Olivia got his point, which was more for yelling than learning.

"Sorry, sir." she said simply.

"Cut the crap... Olivia, just what the hell is going on? I know something is bothering him."

_Uh, great... he got the point, but where to start? _

How about "In the so-called end of my partner's long-term divorce fight, he almost kissed me the day before he confessing his newly succeed in making baby with his wife? "Or, "he hates me for keeping distance from him?" Or, "my partner just couldn't concentrate on the job, cuz he began to use alcohol to smooth all his pain in the ass?"

Then she realized it might be the first time she turned all these ridiculous messes into words, going through them in her mind.

And it hurt.

Finally, she heard her voice. "He, uh... he's having some family issues... and I... tried several times, to talk with him, but he... we just..."

"Ok, look..." pinching the bridge of his nose, Cragen interrupted her, "You two have been partnered for over 11 years, and what shit you haven't been through?" he paused a while, looking at his only female detective straightly in the eye. "Lately, I've been hearing some gossips,"

Olivia felt her heart quickened immediately, and she forced herself to hold her captain's eyes as calm as possible.

"… gossips about you two… Though, I don't buy any of them. You two can work things like Gitano and... " he almost said "Dani Beck", "… and I believe you can handle this, too."

Cragen broke the eye contact, leaving Olivia trying her best to cool down her burning face.

"So, solve your problems, and solve them quickly. Understand?"

"Yes, cap..." she breathed before escaped out.

—

After three no answer calls, Olivia slapped her phone down and cursed, "Son of a ..."

She was so tired of this "hide and seek" kinda game, according to Cragen.

Recently, she always needed to find him, take care of his drunken body and find all kinds of excuses to cover for him... Yeah, technically, she knew it hadn't been that long since Elliot turning into such a dick. But hell, why it felt like forever? Or, perhaps Elliot Stabler was totally an ass, only she was just too stupid to find out earlier?

_God, doesn't __the shitty days ever pass?_

Olivia running her fingers through her hair, shot a look at the table calendar.

Uh, no... Now the calendar reminded her why it needed to be buried deeply under the files. Because time flew so damn fast, and their case just didn't go any little further. And the paper works... Hell, looking at her desk, Olivia wondered maybe Elliot could just shoot her right in head, better than leaving these living tortures here.

Forcing herself concentrate, the brunette only found her mind slipped of control every now and then. Damn, she couldn't stop wandering where the fuck her jackass partner was and what the fuck he was doing, though she was already exhausted to death.

Soon, Olivia realized that she must drift in dreams, even while her eyes half-open and fingers still stuck on the keyboard.

She went back to a scene happened almost one and a half month ago. They were standing in the doorway of her apartment, and she was face to face with her partner, staring at that pair of baby-blue eyes, sensing his pine-scent aftershave... Their mouths half-open, but no one dare make a sound, until she found he lowered his eyes to her lips as she did the same, feeling her heart slamming…

"Liv?"

Jerked her eyes open, Olivia actually took awhile to recognize the woman standing by her desk was their former ADA Alex Cabot.

"Holy... " she blushed, not only for being caught asleep at work, but somehow feeling the contents of her inappropriate dream might be detected by the beautiful and sharp blond.

"Go home, sleepyhead. Nobody knows as well as I do about when's the last sleep you have."

Alex had been living in Olivia's place recently, though she hated to bother her friend. But this time, she really needed some place to go.

Cuz she just broke up with a reporter, whom she'd been with for 2 months. And this bastard just kept coming to bang her door nearly every night. A couple of times, it made her almost called 911. But finally, she hadn't.

After all, they had had some good time before. Well, probably more than good time. Alex knew she was almost in love with him, before found out exactly how cruel and shameless he could be in the Vanity Fair.

"Just one more hour. I had to finish something today." Olivia rubbed her eyes.

"Seriously, Liv, you look like hell." Alex said concerned, eyes drifting to the files piled up on the desk. That was when she raised voice. "Did Stabler shove the paper work to you, again?"

The brunette put a hand on the sheets as if covering something. "No, ... Yes, I mean, he uh... got some emergency."

Alex rolled eyes, "Yeah, right. So not only babysitter, you're his secretary now."

"Alex, please..." Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She really didn't have the strength for this.

Moving eyes back on the detective, Alex's heart softened.

Was it that long since the last time she took a good look at her current roomie? 'cause her friend seemed so exhausted and upset, not like the sharp stunning woman she ever remembered, not at all.

"Liv, I just come to tell you, my mom sent me her homemade cheese, again. Like it?"

Olivia couldn't help but grin, "Oh yes... my favorite."

Giving a gentle squeeze to Olivia's cold hand, Alex finally met the brown eyes, "Then come home a little earlier, ok? Don't push yourself too hard."

"Yeah, I'll try. Thank you..."

—

Olivia promised to herself, just one hour. One last hour later, if she still couldn't find something juicy from the ocean of security videos, she'd go home.

Taking another sip of her cold coffee, Olivia didn't even feel it cold at all, she just staring at the screen, ignoring the burning eyes, and her headache.

Not sure since when, just every time she was anxious, or stressed out, her head throbbed. And it got worse recently, thanked for the damn case and her helpful partner.

Just as she about to give up, something appeared on the screen.

It was a little girl, seven or eight year's old, long blond hair, looked just so like their last victim. This girl walked from east to west, stopped beside the road as if waiting for the traffic lights.

Widened her eyes, Olivia leaned to the screen.

Then, a blind-like guy with a cane appeared, drawing Olivia's attention. He was wearing a baseball cap and a dark-color hooded sweatshirt, walking to the little girl and "accidently" jobbed her with his cane, which couldn't be more obvious as intentional. They talked, and the girl held his hand, leading him across the road, out of the view.

Olivia immediately reviewed it, and recorded the timeline at the first time.

Yes, it kicked all her sleep away, making her let out a long breath through her nose. Though, she knew perhaps it didn't mean anything, but she felt, felt it in gut, it would be a valuable clue, their only clue for now.

She reached for her phone to tell Cragen.

But just as she touching it, it went off.

The caller ID read Elliot.

"Finally showed up, huh?" she was a little surprised by how many bad moods his name could bring.

There was no answer, just some noisy background music and voice.

"Hello? Elliot...?"

Two seconds later, his muttering voice came through. "Liv... did, did I wake... you up?"

Fuck. He was definitely drunk, again.

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose, "Don't tell me you finished a whole bottle of vodka again." she didn't even bother to yell at him this time.

"Mmmm… No, I, I …"suddenly, there was a loud "bang", then someone yelling in the background, "Wow, wow… watch your… oh dude… You ok?"

_What the__… Did he just fall? _

"Elliot? E…"

"Hello?" an unknown man's voice answered, "Hey, I'm the bartender. He's, uh, seems he's pass out, so…"

Great…

"Ok, ok, could you just… " what? Let some bartender keep his wallet and gun? "… just tell me the address... Yeah, I'm coming to pick him up."

Hanging up the phone, Olivia took a glance at her watch. Great… It was the God damn midnight of December, and she had to drive through half of the city to drag her drunken motherfucker partner out of some rotten bar, leaving her burning case behind.

_I really gonna kill you, Stabler, __I swear…_

Or, maybe she can call Kathy? Time was ticking, and an innocent little girl and her parents needed help, for God's sake…

But picturing the pregnant woman walking clumsily in some dark slippery alley, made Olivia curse under her breath immediately.

Damn, good for him! Every time, every fucking time he put her in the messes, there was no other choice left for her.

Genius.

Grabbing her things, putting on the coat, Olivia decided to call Fin and Cragen on her way. But how to explain her sudden leaving? Shit... She really wanted to punch Elliot's face hard right now.

—

Almost an hour later (due to the snowy road), Olivia pulled her car over and killed the engine, rushing toward a small bar.

It began to snow again, and the unbuttoned coat making her shivered. But she just didn't bother. If wasn't so totally out of energy, Olivia felt like maybe she would just lift him on her shoulder, ran back to his apartment and threw him into the bathroom, where he could vomit his gut out and sleep his ass off.

Scanning the foggy little bar, Olivia found her partner within a minute.

Elliot sat on the floor, leaning on the end of the bar counter, unconscious. His shirt half opened, sweat seeping down his neck and chest, twinkling slightly.

"El?" patting his cheek gently, Olivia downed her eyes to check his weapon and badge. Lucky him, nothing was out of place.

"Elliot, wake up."

"He's not gonna answer you, sweetie."

Rising her head, Olivia saw a middle-aged bartender smiling at her, with an almost empty vodka bottle in hand.

"Jesus... " Olivia rolled eyes, running fingers through her hair. "C'mon, El, let's go." She lowered her body, attempted to get him up.

The tender stepped forward. "Wow, sweetie, do you think it's a little soon to leave?"

"What?" Olivia glared at him.

Obviously, her snapping somehow pissed him.

But his smile came back fast, looking over her up and down. "Sure you can handle your guy? Maybe I can help, baby."

"Call me detective," flashing her badge, Olivia held his eyes, "and I don't mind ruin your party."

Almost with all her strength, she finally supported Elliot's dead weight up.

"Hey, police or not, you have to pay me." The tender put on the business face.

"How much?"

Soon, she paid for him.

"I swear, Stabler, I'm considering made money by practicing usury, you know that?" Olivia signed, doubted his consciousness, "Ok, let's just, leave. C'mon, watch your step! ... Yeah, easy... Good... "

"Liv... I ... I'm sorry... I didn't ... you know... "

"Just shut up and watch your step, Stabler!"

She hated this, all of this. Alcohol breathing, muttering words, bumbling around, hysterical… only reminded her so much of the old days, her mother...

After almost tumbling forward, Elliot regained his balance. And it somehow made him giggle like a fool, "... Am I... am I under arrest, Detect...tttive Benson? You are, so...pissed..."

"Yes, you are under arrest for screwing our case, asshole."

"What? Me? " he stopped, glaring at Olivia with his blood-red eyes, "You bitches blame every, every, fucking things on me, don't you?"

One look at his bull eyes, Olivia decided to ignore this insane. "Just keep moving."

But within a few steps, he jerked off her. "Fuck off!"

His sudden pushing almost made both of them tumble down.

Well, he finally tumbled, anyway, still glaring at Olivia through his sleepy eyes without real focus. "You kn-know what? I've… never f-felt, so… fucking pathetic in my, fucking life!"

"Elliot," she forced herself to be patient. "C'mon, let's talk about it out here."

"I gave every…, every fucking thing I have... to this fucking job... " he closed eyes, rubbing his face with both hands, "... look what I ended up... After half, half my life... passed, I really... " he swallowed, as if fighting vomit or maybe tears, "... screwed up every thing... Can't beli-... what kind of..."

"Elliot... " stepping forward, Olivia helped him up. "Don't in the public." she hated putting on such a show here.

Finally made it to her vehicle, she opened the door of backseats, and helped hin in.

All of a sudden, a powerful strength pulled her down, making her collapsing on Elliot's muscular body.

Olivia tried to pull up but failed, cuz his strong arms were wrapping her tightly. Then, their eyes met. The blue eyes darkened, full of desire, hungry, and something she couldn't identify.

World went straightly silent. Olivia felt their pounding hearts slamming on each other soundly.

And before she actually reacted, their lips met.

He leaned up and kissed her, hard and passionately, while her shocking eyes widened, closed, then closed tightly.

Though, she didn't let herself kiss him back all the way, not at all. Instead, Olivia found her mind somehow drifted thousand miles away, drifted in some ice-cold, blue, and dumb place.

Just as he trying to deepen the kiss, she jerked away.

"What...?" searching her eyes, he struggled to focus, to read her.

"We've gotta go." she breathed, pulling up, got out, and slammed the door behind.

_Shit..._

Leaning on her car, Olivia took a couple of big swallows of the cold air out there. Suddenly, she felt pissed, and pathetic.

So it was. His kiss, his lips, his warmth…, which had appeared thousand times in her dreams all these years, good days, bad days… Hell, some voice inside her almost laughed.

_What the hell... ? After drinking __your ass stupid, getting bored with self-pity, then you came to find some distractions from me?_

Her tears threatened to fall.

Wiped the wetness in her eyes roughly, Olivia got back in the car, and started the engine. She just wanted to drive him home quickly, safely, and then went straight to her place, no, to the crib might be better, to isolate the whole damn world.

"Liv, I'm..." he murmured from behind.

"Shut up, El... Just, take a nap and do NOT puke on my car." she cut him off, and before he could continue, she turned on the radio.

For the rest of the way, the music noised meaninglessly, filling the emptiness and silence.

Staring blankly ahead, Olivia just drove like a robot. She shut down most part of her brain, making sure there was nothing in her mind, 'cause she was too damn exhausted, mentally and physically. In addition, she was so sick of this endless, pointless thinking, which more like some self-torture.

For all her life, the countless experiences had proved her that life was not something she could dominate, not at all. You chased, struggled, bit, yelled, expected... did everything you could. But still, life went on the way it did.

_We were meant to be __partners, just partners. And isn't that good? _


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

Just as the snow getting heavier, they arrived.

Patting Elliot's burning face, Olivia felt a little surprising that he didn't vomit. "Wake up, El."

He stirred slowly, "Uh…. I'm not… Don't… home…"

"Yes, you have and you will. C'mon …"

Elliot's drunken body was more like a dead elephant now. Couldn't the snow just make a little effort on his dumb brain? Olivia wandered.

He kept murmuring something about Kathy and the kids all the way back to his newly rent apartment. Olivia really wanted to kill him if he dared to say any single word about his wife and the children. Anyway, she ignored him, only concentrated on their steps until got the doorway.

"Hang on, El, I'm going to get your keys, ok?" she said, digging and searching through his pockets one by one.

Bending over on her, feeling her warm hands all over his hip, Elliot could clearly feel his body responded.

Finally, Olivia found the keys and opened the door.

"Liv…"Once getting inside, Olivia suddenly found she was yanked backward, banging her head on something hard.

_What the… _

Before moaned out, her eyes widened, realizing that Elliot was pressing her to the wall with his entire body. Everything happened so fast, that she didn't even get the chance to turn on the light.

Nobody knew that Olivia hated darkness, even herself. Darkness usually scared the hell out of her, driving her crazy, since Sealview.

Her heart quickened immediately, nearly pounding out of her chest. "What are you doing?" she gasped, struggling to make her fear not be aware of.

"You big teaser…" he breathed alcohol and warmth on her face, lowering the voice, "I know your little tricks."

_What...? Did he just accuse me of flirting in the first place?_

"Go to hell, Stabler! And let go of me!"

"Oh, c'mon," feeling her fighting, he quickly pinned her hands on both side of her body. "Play dumb or hard to get?"

He pressed too hard to let her breath. Olivia sickened by the disgusting vodka breath he blew in her lungs, but she just couldn't breathe out. And as a wave of sudden nausea hitting her throat, she gave a desperate kick between his legs.

Elliot backed off immediately, cursing wildly under his breath.

"FUCK!… what the hell?"

"You son of a bitch… you tell me!" still gasping, she groped to turn on the light with her trembling hands.

In the orange dozy light, Olivia saw Elliot's sweat face clearly for the first time, which twisted in desire, anger and frustration. He just stared back at her, seemed so messy and miserable.

He escaped eyes contact, leaning on the nearest wall for support. "Shit… I'm sorry, Liv… I just, I just…"

"Just what? Go fucking yourself, bastard!"

Damn, she hated the crack in her voice.

Fighting back the tear, Olivia reached the doorknob and twisted it.

"Olivia!" Elliot called before the door opening, "I need you... please stay..."

Sticking hand on the knob, "No." she answered simply.

"Wait!" he suddenly stormed over and banged the door shut violently, almost crushing Olivia's fingers. "Don't you dare walk away, again! And I know you also want the things left unfinished last time!"

Olivia blushed uncontrollably. This bastard could always read her like an open book, making her feel like being undressed. But the embarrassment turned to anger fast.

"You're shameless, Stabler. You want to talk about that day? Fine! It was nothing but a stupid mistake! And I'm not gonna 'walk away' from you, cuz we're not that close as you think! Oh, by the way, you wanna fuck up you life or drink your ass off, just go right ahead but don't mess with mine! Understand, partner?"

Yes, Olivia knew her words shooting out like bullets, but she was already too pissed to give a damn about it now.

"Whoa… 'Partner', huh?"

Immediately, she saw the efforts of her striking on his face. Good, he was hurt. But to her surprise, it didn't bring back any pleasure of revenge.

"I'm leaving." she suddenly felt extreme exhausted, couldn't wait to get out of here and be alone.

But before she reached the door, his hand already gripped on her neck and pinned her head to the wall roughly. "Do you really see me just like a fucking partner, like Munch and Fin? DO YOU?"

Hiding in the darkness, Elliot ignored his own tears now threatened to fall.

How could she? Her words were just too cruel, too painful to accept. And he couldn't stop replaying scenes of him brushing her shining hairs, touching her beautiful face, sensing her breath... All of these only made him more angry, frustrated and hysterical. Elliot could feel the power coming from his every muscle became more and more uncontrollable, but what he didn't know, was the strength he put on Olivia was nearly breaking her neck.

With the crushing, Olivia's back slammed right on the light switch, blacking out the world instantly. It burst her into blind and choking. She pushed, hit, kicked, twisted... only ended up being pinned on the door tightly.

And Elliot had managed to open her legs before she got the chance kicking again.

He eased his hand, and cupped her chin. "Tell me the truth, Olivia, TELL ME!"

Olivia couched, fighting the dizziness and her weakened legs. "... I... ha, hate you..."

Hand still on her chin; he felt her tears streamed down his palm. But instead of letting go, he lowered his body, covered her lips with his.

Her body shook in silent cry.

"Tell me we're just partners; look into my eyes and say it to my face!"

There was a while; both of them sank in silence.

Finally, Olivia forcing down the lump in her throat, said almost inaudibly. "What do you want, El? Rape me?"

Elliot laughed through his nose, "Then tell me to stop." with that, he kissed her earlap, reaching his hands up and down her body.

The first touch of his tongue on her ear, made Olivia go all weak at the knees, as the world falling into a blank, empty, long lost hole, where she didn't give a damn anymore.

Fuck, she ordered herself to bite his lips off and make him stop. But the only thing she did, was trying not to pass out in her suddenly rising desire. Fuck, part of her even hated she wasn't lucky enough to die now, die in his arms, so the complicated, fucked up life could finally have a decent ending.

For Elliot, it was the moment played in his dreams too many times. Though this, this was different.

God, her body felt so much like a warm, silken hotspring that he could barely control his urge of to sink in and melt away... And above all this, he wanted to own her, seize her, occupy her...

_Olivia, __stop me, say something, anything, or I really don't know how far it gonna take me. _

But, she still couldn't make out a single word. There was no other sound in this freezing night, except their rough breathes.

Just before his hand slipped into her pants, Olivia caught his wrist.

"Elliot, wait..." she gasped, "Don't..."

He froze.

"We uh… it's not right... we can't…"

Actually, she hated herself now. She hated to be so cheap, so lonely and so much like some desperate teenager. Cuz after what he did to her, the Olivia Benson she knew, was supposed to be angry, to be pissed, even could have pouched his face away long before things getting this far... The Olivia she knew, could be anyone but this breathless stupid bitch, who nearly passed out in her jackass partner's arms with some place between legs wet like hell.

"Just shut up and feel. Feel this..." Elliot cut her words with another kiss. This time, he kissed as passionately as their lips could take. Then he deepened it, forcing her mouth open, invaded his tongue in.

To suppress the screaming desire, Olivia clenched her fists so tightly that nearly digging fingernails into her palms. So she stayed still, didn't show any responding to his kisses.

"Dammit, Olivia!" Elliot let go of her lips, "I know you want it! I know you fucking want it!"

Turning her head away immediately, Olivia gasped as hard as the man in front of. And she surprised of how cold her voice sounded, "Satisfied?" and she pushed away. "Can't believe you did this to me…"

Before she finished, he grabbed her backward.

Bang!

Both of them fell down, hitting hard on the floor.

Suddenly, all the sounds fading miles away, except for the humming in her ears. Olivia felt like floating in a dark ocean, and every sense disappeared while her brain went blank...

But what Elliot felt, was more like the ground stood up itself and slamming on his face. He spent two seconds to figure out that they were lying on the ground now, and he seemed fell on her body.

Elliot just felt his penis hardened to ache.

"God, Olivia... you're driving me crazy..."

Olivia didn't hear any of his words, until a sharp pain thrust in her head, kicking her back to the reality.

"Uh..." she moaned, attempting to touch her head, but failed.

When her brain finally worked again, things happening now shocked the hell out of her.

"Elliot, wh-what are you doing..."

Pinning both of her arms above her head, her partner's other hand was everywhere, so as his kisses.

"God, Liv, I want you sooooo much... "

"Hey, don't, El. Stop it! Stop... what the, Uhhhhhhhh..." Suddenly, a huge wave of excitation came from blow.

"Gosh... you are so wet, Liv..."

The very first touch in the private place of hers, making him almost come. Her wetness, warmth, and tenderness, feeling like an electric shock running through his body, boiled the alcohol in his vein, and lighted up his fiery desire as pouring oil on fire.

Too mach feelings and thoughts flooded Olivia at the same time, physical and emotional, eating her alive, and tearing her into pieces. Being honest to herself, she didn't really know what she wanted now. Kill him, or just let him.

Voices in her brain arguing like hell, they were encouraging, sneering, cursing, yelling, and warning... while the waves of pleasures getting stronger and stronger.

Reopen the eyes, she found herself was already half naked and out of breath.

"Elliot, you..." she tried to push him away, but was too dizzy and weak to move.

"C'mon, I know you like it!" Just as the moment she said no, he thrust his length fully inside her.

Yes, she was wet already. But without any bit of preparing, this sudden inbreak still scared the hell out of her, causing her winced in pain.

He was much bigger than her expected but he didn't even give her any time to adjust. He just pushed, thrust and pounded all his power into her tenderness.

God... Olivia didn't have any idea that Elliot would be so rough, no, more than tough, he was violent and was sort of punishing her.

"Fuck! Liv... You're so fucking tight!" he clenched teeth, breathing like some angry bull.

"Ah!... no... it hurts... "

It must be the most complicated and strange sex experience in Olivia's life, which she couldn't tell it more like exciting, or a rape-like torture. Mixed with the burning pain, she could also felt the incoming orgasm was getting closer and closer.

Olivia knew she had lost the battle of physical needs and mental lectures, cuz her brain now was no better than some copulating lower animal's.

And she didn't care.

If hands were not hold down on each side, she really wanted to touch him, to pull him closer and kiss him deeply, just like she always did in dreams.

Only she couldn't. There was nothing like her dreams.

In those hazy dreams, he always made love to her. But she knew they were definitely not doing it now. Not even close. He was just pounding and pushing, each time deeper and harder, and put more and more strength on her upper arms to hold her still.

"El, let me... let me, h, hold you... "

God, she was dying for feeling him and communicating. But he seemed didn't heard her or ignored her.

"Elliot, my arms hurt!... stop it!"

Truth be told, not only her arms hurt now, the pain in her lower body was more and more unbearable. Olivia hated this, the way he kind of shutting her out, the way making her feel like some cheap hooker.

Suddenly, seemed a car pulled over outside the building, and its headlights shot through the window, lighting the room up for a moment.

As his face visible, Olivia felt her fiery heart plummeted down into some ice hole.

Because the man she had been working with nearly every day for more than eleven years, the man she trusted with all her life, the man she cared about more than any things in the world, the man she spoiled too damn much to let him fuck her like this… didn't even bother to open his eyes, to make a single connection with who he was screwing.

"Elliotl... look at me! Hey, open, open your eyes…"

No respond, not at all. Seemed Elliot wasn't even there with her. He just quickened the thrust, and gripped teeth.

She knew he was about to come.

Olivia tried her best to ignore the pain now coming from everywhere, longing for things just finished sooner.

Just as he coming inside her, he moaned out loud.

"Kath, uh, God... I miss you so much... "

Taking his dead weight collapsed on her, Olivia looked away and froze, letting a long hot tear running down her face...


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Elliot Stabler cracked his eyes open, and the bright morning sunlight made him jerk away immediately. Apparently, he moved a little too fast, causing him hit by a sudden wave of nausea.

Stumbling into the bathroom, he held it back down finally.

Damn, he felt like shit. Dizzy, dirty, thirsty, tired... and most of all, he was shocked of seeing his pants was opened, hanging around his hip.

_What the fuck…_

There were two minutes Elliot froze there, leaning on the sink for support. He remembered the bar, the drink, and then Olivia showed up... God, he remembered they made out on the backseats...

Then, everything got fuzzy. He assumed she sent him home, maybe they had a fight, argued… Then why the hell Kathy came by, and even had sex with him? Yeah, it was Kathy, definitely her. Cuz God… he never brought strangers home for some stupid one night stand... He didn't drink that much, did he?

Wait a minute.

The harder Elliot Searched through his brain, the more he got scared. Damn, the only thing he sure about, was he definitely had had sex with someone last night.

But who?

_Olivia picked me up and drove me here, so, there's no way…__ Oh, shit!_

He didn't dare to go any further. Quickly, he crawled into the shower room and turned on the water, undressing himself with shaking hands.

He felt so dirty, in and out.

How the hell could you let this possibly happen? Did you really fuck your pregnant becoming-ex? Thinking about Kathy, he couldn't help but eyed the phone hanging on the bathroom wall.

He grabbed it, dialed Kathy's number.

But after a short talking, he knew it wasn't Kathy last night.

Elliot simply cut the line with no excuse, before slipping down to the floor.

_You son of a bitch… You fucked __your partner before even made it to the bed, and while your pants still on? _

His stomach twisted up again, making him heave and heave. This time he let go of it, till there was nothing came out but the bitter tasted overwhelmed the mouth.

_No, no way. _

After calming himself down, Elliot resisted the thought quickly.

Yes, he was sure about they had a fight, even some physical contacts. But no, he'd never believe he was actually able to do that thing to Olivia, never, ever, no. He'd rather die first. So, he must have some dirty dream after drunk like that, and maybe satisfied himself? Yes, it must be that way, it had to be.

That was it.

—

After spent the rest of the night lying in crib staring blankly at the ceiling, like some Alzheimer's, and suffered a long busy Monday while clenching her teeth pretending the pain in her body didn't exist, Olivia felt blessed to finally home.

Holding the keys in hand, she took a deep breath.

Hell, she still had a concerned friend to handle.

But lucky for her, Alex hadn't come back yet. On the coffee table, a plate of dry cheese was still untouched, with a slip of paper under, read:

_Stupid detectives screwed my case. Gonna be back really late. __Eat these things for me, cuz I've been pretending like it to please my mom all my life._

Olivia smiled. She wandered who the "stupid detectives" were, wandered if the ADA had used the same word on them, too.

Alex had been working for the homicide since half year ago, said she'd rather deal with the dead victims. Yeah, nobody liked staying in SVU. Cops barely stayed here more than three years.

But why did them?

Thinking about HIM, Olivia sink into the couch and turned on the TV right away.

Thank God, it was a giggling talk show. Olivia turned up the volume, forcing her mind to comprehend. But, not more than one minute, her thought drifted thousand miles away. Actually, since the moment she walked out of Elliot's door last night, she kind of shut down every sensation.

Last night, instead of heading home, she went straightly back to the 16th precinct, and threw her heavy body into the crib.

Finally, as the first bunch of sunlight lit up the room, she felt somehow she slept most of the memories away. No, technically, she didn't sleep at all; she just finally successfully separated the two Olivia Benson, as well as her two partners.

She sort of expected that when walked into the squad room later, Elliot would be just there, sipping his coffee, and they'd nod to each other as they always did, like nothing ever happened.

But after splashed some cold water on her face and looked up into the mirror, Olivia couldn't help but wince. God, she looked awful. Her eyes reddened and swelled up, her hair was a mess, and hell, on the side of her neck there was a conspicuous bite-mark!

Shit!

Rushing back to her locker, she dug out her back up powder box as soon as possible, running the cosmetic brush up and down her face tried to fix everything.

But soon, her tears poured out unstoppably.

_H__ow much messes can be really fixed? _

...

Click. Her door knob turned, knocking her out of recalling her morning time.

Before Olivia truly focusing her eyes, Alex Cabot appeared in the door way.

"Is that really you?" the blond asked without any tone of question.

"You're early, too." Olivia really wanted to say something light and sweet, but right now, she just wished go crawling into a hole and isolated from people, even from Alex.

"Don't ask," the blond groaned, taking off her coat and muffler. "Never felt you SVU guys are so capable till I work with the homicide." Collapsed in the couth, Alex turned to her friend, narrowing her eyes. "Hey, are you ok? You look… sick or something?"

"Oh no," Olivia shrugged, "I'm just… the period is a bitch, you know." She was nearly proud of the genius excuse.

"Oh. Bet this time is really bad, isn't it?" Alex frowned. "C'mon, let me get you some hot tea."

Olivia almost catch Alex's arm before she rising to her feet, but faired. Moving that fast, made her nearly cried out in pain.

Well, she was pretty sure that her rib had a hairline-fracture. Olivia knew she really needed to see a doctor tomorrow, the first thing tomorrow.

"Thanks… And, I need to take a hot shower. You just… you know where's everything, right?"

"Sure. And according to your condition now, bet I would be the one taking the bed tonight, and we…"Alex shocked to see that she was already alone in the living room, as a lock-clicking coming from the bathroom.

Locked the bathroom door behind, Olivia letting out a long breath.

She was so ached for crouching up in bathtub, eyes closed, shut down her brain, waiting for all the pain to go away and maybe get some real sleep, too, if lucky.

About fifteen minutes later, Alex had taken out the pillow and blanket, and finished making the bed on couch. Her eyelids got heavier and heavier while running through all the channels without paying any attention.

"Olivia?" She knocked the bathroom door gently, "Liv? I uh, really need to use the toilet if you don't mind? "

No respond.

"Olivia?... Hey? Oli-"

Just as her concern growing up, she heard Olivia's tired voice, "Give me a sec, I'm coming…"

Now, Alex got worried. Something was definitely not right, she told herself. And it no way could be the period.

Hair still dripping water, Olivia crawled out, wrapping in her big robe. "I'm sorry, Alex. I uh,… kind of fell in sleep in the tub."

"Tub? You have bath during the period days?" handing a cup of hot tea to Olivia, the attorney sounded suspicious.

Olivia took a long swallow of the drink, "I know I know… I was just, too tired and, freezing… " another big sip, "Oh, you gonna… use the bathroom?"

Alex didn't move, blue eyes gazing deeply into the brown. "Liv, are you ok? It's not the period thing, right?"

Damn…

Those blue eyes were just too sharp to take. Olivia rubbed her eyes as if burned by sunlight.

"I'm… good, just, sleepy."

So close, so close… Damn Cabot. That pair of blue eyes seemed had magic every now and then, made Olivia almost shake off all the weights on her shoulder, spitting things out.

Put on a convincible smile, Olivia half said to the blond, half to herself, "Maybe we can talk tomorrow."

But she regretted the sentence immediately.

Yes, she did open up to Alex Cabot before, though it just happened infrequently. Because Olivia hated shoving her own problems down her friend's throat. Sharing happiness brought more, but never sorrows and troubles.

"Ok, then." The blond smiled back, "just go sleep and leave me alone. I'm old enough to help myself, mom."

"Fine, kids grow up fast, I know…"

"Gee, you sound like Elliot, you know that?" walking in the bathroom, Alex teased.

Elliot.

That name stung.

While Alex finished her shower and opened the bathroom door, she found Olivia was already crouching on her side in the couch, sleeping soundly.

_Why don't you take the bed, you silly… _

Walking to the couch as quiet as she could, Alex pulled the blanket a bit higher till it covered Olivia's neck, not sure the brunette was truly asleep or not.

Yes, they were confidantes, according to Olivia's words. But still, Alex could tell that Olivia was actually a bit too isolated, comparing to the other long-term friends in her life.

The brunette was special. It was not she didn't trust her or something, it just who she was and how she lived her life. She was too used to be independent, tough, and reticent. To the world, she always stood outside in the length of an arm.

Honestly, Alex knew that Olivia was not so loveable in the guys' eyes, knew how they talked behind her back. She was far from the typical "American Sweetheart", and rarely hung on with the guys, rarely asked favors from them.

Funny, Alex found that was exactly what she adored and hated about the brunette.

Turning off the television, Alex headed to the bedroom. And before pushing the door closed, she took a final glance at her roomie.

There were only several steps distance between them, but why it felt like miles away?

Alex jerked her eyes wide open with a noise. It took her two second to figure out where she was.

_Oh, shit…_

Swing off the covers, she rushed to the door on her bare feet.

"Liv? Is that you?"

In the moonlight, she saw the detective sitting on the couch with face buried in both hands, gasping and a little bit shaking.

"I'm sorry… I, uh, broke the plate and the cheese… " Obviously, Olivia did her best to keep firm and calm, but still chocked in tears anyway.

"Oh, forget about it." ignoring the shatters on the floor, Alex came close and tried to meet her eyes. "Bad dreams?"

"Yeah," with that, Olivia turned away, hiding her face behind her hair.

The blond wanted to ask about it, but dropped the thought quickly. "Or, it was just a good excuse to say you hate my mother's cheese too?"

"Uh, you got me." Olivia smiled through her tears.

Before Alex could say something, Olivia's cell phone vibrated on the table.

"Benson…" she answered it.

Alex caught the brunette winced while she standing up. And according to her tone, Alex felt it must be the case got something new.

"Fin got the guy in the security video. I've gotta go." hung up the phone, Olivia heading to the bedroom.

"The guy who kidnapped those girls?" Alex followed her.

"Not sure. But he might be the one our last vic tal…" totally forgetting about her aching ribs, Olivia almost cried out while taking off the T-shit. "… talked to, before she went missing."

"Whoa, whoa," Alex walked closer, "What's that?"

Following the ADA's eyes, Olivia was shocked to see a big dark bruise on her right side.

_Shit… _

She must be too tired, cuz she didn't even notice that during shower.

"Oh, it's nothing. It just… something happened when I cuffed a perp and…" still struggling on another lie, she found Alex's widen eyes was nowhere but moving back and forth between her neck and her arm. That was when she saw the hand mark on her forearm.

Quickly grabbing a fresh shirt, Olivia stormed out of her bedroom and put it on as fast as she could.

"I used to be in SVU, too, remember?" Alex felt her temper rose, "and you expect me to buy your shit while the..." she almost said "typical injuries", but she bit it back, "… while THIS bruises all over your body?"

_Yeah, such a good counselor you are._

Olivia opened and closed her mouth several times, but nothing came out. She had no idea about what to say or where to start. She just simply did everything really fast, ignoring Alex's eyes burning on her back.

With the silence, Alex only got more worried.

"Hey," she gently put a hand on Olivia's shoulder, "you scared me, Liv."

Olivia stopped in the mid way of tying her boot. "Alex, please… I don't want to talk about it, not now, ok?"

"Who did this do you, Liv?"

Holding the door opened, Olivia turned to her concerned roomie, met her eyes finally. "I'll be fine. Let's... talk later."

"Fine," Alex nodded a bit, "Be careful."

In two seconds, Olivia really looked at Alex the first time since they met tonight. No, not just looked, she staring, staring deeply into those beautiful blue eyes.

That was the expression, which covered thousand unspoken words in it, feeling like a warm squeeze on her heart.

"See ya." Olivia said simply, then left.

—

Once walking into the bullpen, Olivia heard her own name yelled with Cragen's throaty voice.

"What's up, Cap?"

"Undercover. I already called Elliot and you two go talk with your guide."

With her jaw dropped, Olivia trying to catch up with him. "What? What guide? Wh- you think Elliot's qualified for this?"

Holding her eyes for a moment, Cragen turned a little bit with a sigh. "Munch, you didn't fill her in, did you?"

"Uh, crap… Sorry, I was tal…"

"Ok, ok… " Cragen waved him to stop, turning to Olivia, "Here's the thing. The blind guy you found in the video, turned out to be faked it. His name's Zane Buckle, still on parole, and just confessed to kidnap our last vic. Our ADA made a deal with him, so he's gonna help you get into this Virgin Prostitutes-Trafficking gang." He took a breath, "We're shorthanded now. Fin's son, was diagnosed with leukemia just now, so Munch has to do a bunch of jobs after his leaving."

"Oh, God…" Leaning on her desk, Olivia couldn't help but look over Cragen's shoulder, eyeing the empty chair in front of Munch.

Searched her face, Cragen wasn't sure her sigh was a pity for Fin or a curse for working with Elliot.

"So," Cragen leaned forward, "Hope the problems between you and your partner have been solved." he lowered voice.

"We're good, Cap." She whispered, almost got herself convinced.

"Okay, then." The old captain gave a squeeze on her shoulder, walked away.

Olivia didn't move an inch, feeling like some helpless frog trapped in a boiler. So, Elliot was gonna appear in this room any minute, but she just didn't have any idea of what to do or how to act.

The man she had the longest relationship with, the man who supposed to be her best friend, even soul mate, actually he still was one day ago, now became the last people in the world she wanted to see.

How ironic.

"Liv, you ok?" Munch asked.

"Oh, yeah, I'm, uh..." Olivia forced a dry smile, and switched the topic. "I'm so sorry about what happened to Fin."

"Yeah, me, too. Everything's..." before finished, his eyes moved from Olivia to some spot behind her. "Hey, look who's back."

Didn't even turn her head, Olivia sensed who the hell was standing there.

"Gotta go." She pushed herself off the desk and headed straight to the interrogation room.

Standing like some statue, Elliot opened his mouth, but nothing came out, just watched his partner got out of his view.

Munch slightly rolled eyes behind his glasses, but decided to shut his mouth anyway. Though, he confirmed one thing for sure, that all the exhaustions on Olivia's face these days must have something to do with the man who froze by the entrance, chewing the inside of his lip now.

—

"Just shut the fuck up and listen,"

That was what Elliot heard when he got in the interrogation room. To his surprise, this Zane Buckle was built like a wrestler, making Olivia seem like a skinny little girl sitting on the table face to face in front of him.

Being aware of her partner's present, Olivia paused briefly before continued. "... I don't give a damn about how the witness protection works. You go talk with the DA. But the only way you can make there, was to behave yourself and help us get these bastards. Understand?"

Holding Olivia's glare for a moment, Zane whistled playfully and grinned. "Wow, didn't expect the first lady-detective I met was such a badass."

Before Olivia shot back, Elliot closed the door behind, drawing Zane's attention. "When is the next time you meet them?"

"Tomorrow night."

"Where?"

"Don't know yet, still waiting for the massage."

"Have any plan on how to bring us in?"

"I guess?" Zane crossed his arms in front of his chest, "since two of my friends got killed last month in Vegas, and they're couples, so,"

"And your plan B is?" Olivia cut in impatiently.

Zane stared at her, "Plan B?" he chuckled, "You think I'm a movie maker, huh? Sorry sweetie, there's no other script, and I don't have a death wish..."

"Listen up, cowboy! Here's the plan," Olivia raised her voice, "detective Stabler is NOT gonna in this mission. Just you and me. You bring me in, show the money, see the girls, then we catch them, get out. Clear?"

Zane half opened his mouth, seemed confused. "Just you? But your captain told me..."

Just as Elliot was about to say something, Cragen pushed in. "Detectives, out."

Olivia mentally rolling eyes to herself, couldn't believe she forgot the outside observer.

"What the hell was that, Benson?" Cragen didn't waste a second as soon as they were out.

"Cap..." holding her breath, she felt embarrassed, "I don't think Elliot is ready for this undercover op."

"What? What does this mean?" Elliot snapped.

She knew it. She knew he would react like this. But still, she hated to see him got pissed as if being betrayed.

Before Olivia found the appropriate words, Cragen raised his voice. "Then why didn't you tell me just now?" he sounded foreign in the empty and dead silent squad room, making Olivia looked away, "and you know what? There's no way I'll let you do this alone. Don't even think about it, Benson. This case has drawn enough attentions of media and public, and it may be the most precious opportunity to get them. So, don't play heroine here, just do it by the book, by my order, you got me?"

Olivia lifted her eyes, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Yes, Sir."

Back to the interrogation room, the rest of their detail plans settled downed quickly. Hiding back in the damn job, seemed both the detectives finally found a comfortable way to be with each other.

"Ok, one last thing." Olivia massaged the back of her neck, "Is there anything special we should pay attentions to? When we play this… Alita and Leo?"

No answer.

Olivia stopped her writing and looked up, only found Zane's eyes stuck on the side of her neck. "Let me guess. He did that to you, didn't he?" he pointed Elliot with his chin.

Olivia jumped to her feet immediately, turning away from both of the guys and quickly pulled her cashmere scarf to cover her neck.

But still, Elliot saw the mark anyway, the bloody red kiss or bite mark... making his gut twisted together and shattered to pieces…

Didn't know how the hell she made through the interrogation, or whether Cragen saw the tiny episode from the other side… the only thing Olivia longing for now, was to get away from her partner as fast as possible.

Opened the door, she felt released to see no one was there. Yeah, of course, it was 5 am in the morning.

"Liv!" Elliot caught the door before it slammed close. "... wait." he lowered the voice as soon as getting out.

But Olivia didn't slow down, heading straightly to Cragen's office.

"Olivia!" Elliot rushed ahead, catching her arm.

"Don't you…" jerking away from him, Olivia managed to cover the stab pain on her ribs with the anger.

"Ok, ok… I just, want to talk."

Glanced around, she found Munch was taking a nap on his desk, "But I don't. Not here, not now." she whispered firmly.

Gazing after her receding figure, Elliot chewed his lips unconsciously. Yeah, actually, he wasn't ready himself, wasn't ready for talking.

How to start?

_Hey, __tell me what happened last night…_

No, no, not like that. He knew the differences between "things happened" and "things someone did", which making his mind slip down to some horrible place.

Elliot felt scared, shocked and sick. And he was so desperately longing for the truth. The truth about what the hell he did that night.

If things could go back, he'd rather swallow his gun in the first place. He really would.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

_**-The **__**next night-**_

Killed the engine, undid the belt, Elliot couldn't help but peep at his partner sitting beside. She had been avoiding him since...

But the time seemed always bad. There were always people around, or she was on the phone, he was on the phone, they both in the mid of something urgent... other than that, she made a beeline to nap in the crib.

And now, here they were. They were Alita Miller and Leo Miller, married couple.

Hiding in the shell of characters and carrying high stress, only made them more isolated.

For Olivia, she didn't even need to peep and already knew her partner was struggling for words, to break the damn silence.

She hated the silence, too. That was why she kept faking asleep all the way. But when they finally there, when the nervous finally got more and more visibly unbearable, she knew there was no way they gonna do the op in this mood.

Shit. She couldn't even think about this, she just could not. Some spot in her chest hurt like hell.

Now, in this quiet snowing night, his sigh and breath sounded so clear right beside her. Though, Olivia felt him distant and foreign, as if they were separated by a galaxy.

"Liv," Elliot just found his voice breaking the silence suddenly, "… things gonna be fine."

Fine? What exactly the "things" referred to? Did he mean "them", or the mission? Olivia wondered.

"Thanks," she said without looking at him, "feel so much better. Like it's the first time I do this."

Silence, again.

"I mean," Elliot knew she had every right to be pissed. But somehow the stupid words rushed out, "we'll be fine, won't we?" immediately, he kicked himself and added, "I know you won't believe me, but I just... don't remember what happened that night, and I feel…"

"Jesus Christ…" she turned away.

"No, no, not I'm... I do remember that we… in the backseat…and I'm so sorry..."

"Stop!" She shut him up, and suddenly, someone's cell phone vibrated.

They both dug out their phone. It turned out Olivia's.

"Hey, Alex," she let out a long breath, "… oh, I'm still on the case and, may not be back tonight, so… " shifting the phone to another hand, she glanced at her watch, "… uh, Alex, I gotta go now… Yeah, sure… see ya."

Before actually cutting the line off, she already opened the door, "Our guy is coming."

As soon as getting out, the cold air hit her hard. But it felt good, felt real. With all her life, she never felt so desperately needed to get away from Elliot, never. Being with him, only twisted her heart painfully, making her feel so sick of herself, then sick of him, sick of everything in the world.

However, deep down, she hated herself more, so much more.

She had to escape away from this crap, she had to. She felt like didn't deserve his guilty face, sort of. Yes, he did hurt her, physically and mentally. But she knew these was a minute, a second, she wanted it. Everything only made her finally realized how much she wanted him.

_Fuck._

She felt like some cheap whore, again.

Now, Elliot saw Zane Buckle, too, who was walking toward them, like some moving tower in the mid night.

Carrying the small suitcase with, Elliot got out of the car, meeting them at the corner of the street.

"Ok, listen." Sensing her partner's approaching, Olivia forced her cop mood to kick in. She just wanted to get the mission done as soon as possible. "We have only one chance, Zane. Don't be smartass here, or you'll die first, you hear me?"

"Yes, my lady. Let's do it." Zane smirked, taking over the suitcase from Elliot and walking into the club.

—

Not like Olivia's image, it wasn't some VIP-only place. All kinds of people hanging around, young, old… everything seemed normal, almost like the cop bar they went a lot.

Getting through the crowded people, Zane made a beeline to the table by the corner, with his widest smile hanging on the face. "Hey, Big T. It's been a holy long time..." he reached his hand out.

A big guy in mid fortieth, totally bald, was sitting in the couch with two skinny little girls and two men standing beside. His face had the hardest lines Olivia had ever seen, almost like some rough statue hewed by an ax. And with eyes hiding deeply under the eyebrows, his face seemed like some scary skull-bone in the flashing dance light.

Ignoring the Zane's hand, T didn't even move an inch.

In the twinkling of an eye, Elliot found they were held at gunpoint by the three men.

"Wow, first thing first, I see? Even with your old friend?" Zane held his hands up while hinting Olivia and Elliot do the same, letting the two guards search on them.

"Old friends?" T raised his face a bit, showing a pair of cold eyes out of the shadow.

"C'mon, T. This is Alita and Leo. You said I can bring them."

"Nice to meet you, too, Big T. Actually, we should have met long time ago." Olivia forced her pounding heart stay in place, putting on a charming smile.

Elliot realized how long he hadn't see her smile.

"Someone told me you were dead last year," holding her eyes, T never put the gun down, "... but I never buy it."

"Too many people want us wiped out." Elliot cuddles Olivia close, "but you know what? Satan said the hell is too crowed to take devils as big as us."

—

Out of the club, Cragen and the whole tactical team were doing their best to catch up with what happened there. But obviously, the connection was way too bad.

"Dammit! Could you do something about it? It sounds like coming from Mars!" Cragen yelled to the tech man.

"Sorry Sir, I've done my best to..."

"Don't tell me you've..." he swallowed the rage down, "is there any way we can get the better connection?"

"I'm afraid not, Sir. Something is blocking nearly all the signal out of there."

"Captain, it's getting risky. Why don't we get in now?" the captain of SWAT, Jack Nathan suggested.

"We can't, not until they deal. Or this will be useless in court." Closing his eyes tightly, Cragen grabbed the mic, said slowly. "Olivia, Elliot, give me something louder, if it's the time. Repeat, make a CLEAR and LOUDER sign to let us in."

—

"Just two girls?" Elliot asked after sitting down with Olivia.

"It's the first time I saw you, what you expect?" T said, putting his hands on the girls' hair and stroked. "…though, I got the best goods for you. See my sincerity?"

"Honey, be patient." Olivia gave a little caress on Elliot's face, before turned back to T. "they're not sick, are they? 'cuz they look too skinny..."

"Uh, no no, don't play this shit with me. They worth the price. See, pretty face, good body, tight pussy, and real virgin."

"Real virgins?"

"They have to be, that's how I make money. C'mon, take a look." With that, the bald man pushed down one of the girls, and opened her legs.

"Don't bother. I trust you." Elliot couldn't believe his eyes, "let's talk about the money."

At the moment, he heard Cragen's voice coming in the hidden earphone, saying things like "save yourselves" announcement.

Eyeing Olivia, he sensed her panic. Yes, things seemed getting worse, let alone there were two trembling girls and so many civilians here.

"C'mon babe, show him." Elliot kissed Olivia's temple, calming her with a squeeze on her shoulder.

"Here," she opened the suitcase, keeping perfectly in character, "is our sincerity."

One of the guards took it over and checked, before handing it to his boss.

"Well, seems Z boy brings me a good partner." T let out the first satisfy smile since they met.

"Of course we are," wrapping his arm around Olivia, Elliot kissed her lips, "aren't we?"

Olivia frowned immediately, in the shadow. And if they weren't in the God damn show, she swore she would slap him hard.

As Elliot leaned back, a familiar voice came suddenly.

"Jesus, Stabler. What story you gonna tell me this time?"

_Oh, no way…_

In the thousandths of a second, someone's face floated into Olivia's mind. And almost at the same time with Elliot, she jerked her head up…

Hell yes, there was no one but Kathy Stabler standing there.

—

The very first moment Elliot saw his wife, everything turned straight to slow motions.

He didn't know how, but there were 1.5 second, the entire world fell into totally still. The background music, talking crowd, and the sound of banging glasses… were all gone.

"Sorry, let me handle this… woman problem." Elliot finally found his own voice before things went worse. With that, he rose to his feet, attempted to grab Kathy to the side.

But before Elliot touched her, Kathy slapped him, "Don't touch me!"

"You crazy bitch! Get the fuck out, I swear…" Elliot grabbed her hair, leaning to her ear, "It's an undercover op! Get the hell out, NOW!" he gritted teeth, making sure only she could hear him.

"Save your shit! I just SAW you making out with your partn-"

He backhanded her.

"Hey, ya." Suddenly, T stood up and grabbed Elliot. "Let her finish."

—

"What the hell? Is there the background or they were yelling?" Cragen felt his gut tightened. He couldn't hear anything clear, but knew something must be wrong.

And suddenly, BANG! Something glass crushed.

"GO GO GO!" The old captain jumped out of his chair, "Everyone move! Block every exit and don't let a single fly get out of there!"

At the same time, he heard the gun shoot coming from the earphone, and the screams overwhelmed everything.

"God dammit! Hope the civvies team has got things in control…" Roughly putting his vest on, Cragen rushed out of the police van, yelling to his radio. "Team B, move! Move fast! I don't want any hostage incident!"

The old commander finally dragged his old body to the entrance of the club. But before being there, his ears caught Elliot's barking in the first place.

"You fucking stupid ass! How could you…" the rest words were swallowed by a loud punch and people's yelling.

Cragen just hated his leg couldn't carry him any faster. Anyway, when finally came to his detective, he pushed him off the nose bleeding SWAT guy immediately.

"Elliot! Stop!"

For Elliot, it took him two second to realize who it was. "Captain," he found his angry voice suddenly shaky. "He's gone, and he took Olivia. Oh God…" He looked away, arms akimbo, "I just can't believe the whole tactical team is that fucking stupid! And, and I swear… I gonna kill Kathy! Olivia might take the bullet for her, and I didn't even have the chance to see if she's…"

"Who? Kathy?" Cragen couldn't fight the urge to cut him off, "Your… Kathy? And what happened to Olivia?"

"Yeah, my wife, came from nowhere and," feeling like couldn't hold his captain's eyes any longer, Elliot looked down, "… and accusing me have an affair with…"

"Wait, wait… Why, what… How could she be there, too?"

"I DON'T know! Actually, if the paramedics didn't drag her ass away, I really gonna shake some reason out of her fucking mind!"

Cragen could feel his headache was getting worse now. "Is she ok?"

Shaking his head with some sad smile, Elliot swallowed hard. "Of cause she is. Because at the moment T Walker pulled the trigger, Olivia jumped over and covered her own body on the stupid bitch!"

With his mouth half opened, Cragen looking at his detective for almost five seconds, watching that pair of blue eyes watered up.

But finally, Elliot blinked his tears back, and somehow got back the cop mood. "Well, luckily the vics are fine, just scared. And we got most of the bad guys, except T."

"So, the biggest fish slipped through the net… " But deep inside, Cragen still felt sort of grateful. Cuz under the totally "unexpected blind direction", he had prepared much worse results than this. "… anyway, is Olivia ok?"

Took another look around, Elliot couldn't help but chew his lower lip uncontrollably. "After the first shot, I was knocked down by the rushing people, but when I got up, there was only Kathy lying on the ground, and Olivia was nowhere to be found."

"Damn… " With that, Cragen turned to the captain of SWAT, Jack Nathan, who was still gasping in pain. "Captain Nathan, I thought you guys have blocked all the way out!"

"Don't you teach me how to do my job! We did everything by the book! There were only TWO ways in and out, and we also got the roof in control! Till now, my guys haven't let any single life got out of the damn club, except him and his damn woman!" to catch the breath, he paused a second before continued, "you know what? Two of my guys are injured, too, but still looking for your missing detective down there. And you came to accusing me! So your people is the Prince here, but mine is just shit?"

This teeth clenched speech shut both Cragen and Elliot up at the same time.

"Unless," Nathan lowered his voice back down, "there's some secret tunnel."

Finally made to the outside, Olivia felt her legs were getting shaky. And she was sweating badly, worse than any fever she ever suffered, feeling both cold and hot. More than that, her chest was burning, hurt like hell, making every breath feel like a stab in her lung. Now, she was totally out of breath, feeling her body heavy and numb.

Yes, Olivia knew clearly there was a bullet in her left chest, a 9 mm one. Because she saw that they almost pulled the triggers at the same time, the thinner guard and a civvy-cop, and as the very second the firelight flashed outside the barrel, she was staring right at that gun with eyes wide open. She wondered how that guy was now, wondered if the cop got him or not. Cuz the last thing she remembered, was she jumped up in the air between the shooter and Kathy, seeing the man face to face before her body hit the ground. After that, there was a short moment the world around became quiet.

When she finally got her mind clear, she found herself was stumbling ahead with someone's help.

At first, Olivia thought everything would be over and they must be moving to the safe place. But soon, she realized that something was just not right.

It was that cologne, his cologne. The minute she met T Walker, she smelled it immediately. That cologne was so peculiar, felt like some funked wood, and now as she smelling it again, T Walker's face jumped into her mind right away.

_Oh, no__…_

Olivia tried her best to get rid of him. She was yelling, struggling and kicking, wondering why the fuck there was so dark, and where the hell was Elliot or the backup. But not more than one minute, the big guy pinned her still on the wall.

"Listen up! There's a bomb in the club. You better do as I tell you!" he clenched teeth, waving the remote control.

Olivia doubted about it. But she just didn't have time or strength to fight him, let alone taking the risk. There were too lives up there. And, Elliot was there.

All the way to the small exit hole, Olivia could hear voices coming from above. But she just couldn't make a sound with the gag in her mouth. And now, after painful staggering through the tunnel, her conscious was barely there.

"Mmmm…" grasping a handful of T's leather coat, Olivia used all of her rest strength making an audible sound before her legs gave out.

"What the…" T tried to drag her forward, only felt her weight sinking suddenly. "Hey! Hey! Wake the fuck up! It's not the time!"

After patting Olivia's sweaty face, he checked her pulse. Good, still alive. But he also noticed how badly the bleeding was.

"Don't you die on me, bitch. Not here, not now."

Curing under his breath, T picked her up. The last thing he wanted, was his hostage died this soon. He needed her to earn the jetton of his free, and hell, he needed to make a good plan getting his brother back.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

As Alex Cabot heard of things about Olivia, the coffee holding in her hand nearly dropped.

It deadly shocked her in the first place. Though, her bad feelings had been torturing her every now and then, but still, she couldn't truly believe or accept this. Just a couple hours ago they were still talking in the phone, she was hearing her voice, sensing her… Ok, forget about the feelings.

Suddenly, she just wanted to throw something against the wall.

Yes, Alex was angry.

She wondered how. How could they start such a risky mission without some reliably technical supports? Why the hell the SWAT team didn't spend more time on studying the fucking location? And beyond all this, she really wanted to have a little talk with the damn ADA on this case.

Since leaving SVU, Alex barely bothered to know about her replacement. But now, no matter who was on, she swore she would probably slap this heartless, unprofessional and stupid soul out of him or her.

But, as she actually came to the 16th Precinct, heading to SVU squad, the only thing took her heart, was Olivia. Alex kind of expected the brunette would storm out of the corner, yelling something backward like she always did.

However, the minute she walked out the elevator, Elliot's barking dragged her back the reality.

"JUST, TELL, ME, WHY!"

"I've told you it's a COINCIDENCE!"

_Grate, Kathy's here, too._

"THE FUCK IT IS! I'm a fucking cop, for God's sake! You don't walk in some crap bar ALONE wearing this crap housewife overcoat! And I doubt you even know the place like that ever exist! You followed me there, didn't you?"

The skinny blond woman looked at her husband in the eye, paused a while. "Fine, I followed you, after someone showing me a hell lot of the disgusted pictures of you and your 'partner'!" She made air quotes.

Under all the eyes of co-workers and superior, her gesticulation just felt like a slap on Elliot's face. He grabbed both of her wrists roughly, clenching his teeth. "What picture? And who gave you?"

"Why lowered your voice, Stabler? Don't you think it's a little too late to feel shame?"

Almost the same time as she finished the words, Elliot backhanded her hard right on her face.

One second quiet, and the whole squad exploded up. People were pulling, yelling… and Kathy's crying sounded more like screaming.

Alex pinched the bridge of her nose after taking off her glasses. On the way to the Precinct, she did expect the depressions, chaos, maybe tempers… but not this, no way like this.

God, she wandered what the heck Stabler's wife was doing here, and she hoped someone could at least fill her in about the circumstance of Olivia. But obviously, seemed people had a lot juicy shits to care.

Looking around, she quickly picked up a coffee pot and threw it on the ground.

BANG!

People shut up and looked over.

"Does anyone still give a damn about Olivia Benson's life here?" Alex asked, looking back and forth between the familiar faces.

Just before Cragen opened his mouth, his cell phone rang, but he spoke to her first. "Alex, it's not your case…"

"Yes, I know it's none of my business. But it has to be someone's business here, I suppose?"

Elliot took a long deep breath, feeling her eyes on his back, burning, as his rage softened. "We should push harder on that piece of shit." He breathed, "They're brothers, he must know something ab…"

"Shut up," Cragen suddenly stopped him, covering his cell phone, whispered. "It's HIM. Trace the line, NOW!"

On the other side of the line, T thrust the phone to Olivia's ear. "Say something."

For Olivia, it cost her a while to actually understand what he said.

_Yeah, it must be Cragen's raucous__ yelling coming through the phone._

"C-cap... I'm… " Much to her surprise, she sounded like dying. Olivia breathed in a little deeper, attempted to raise her voice, but a stab pain in the chest making her only end up coughing.

T grabbed back to the phone. "See? She's breathing, for now."

"What do you want?" Cragen asked as calmly as he could.

"Pretty simple." He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, sucking deeply in, "Just do whatever I asked, and do it quick."

"As long as you don't hurt her. You son of a bitch!"

Coming back to Olivia, his green eyes locked with the brown, which was glaring back at him. Suddenly, without any sign, he jobbed his burning cigarette to her neck.

"AHHH!" Olivia cried out and jerked away.

Ignoring Cragen's curses on the other side, T cut him off, "Easy, easy, just a cigarette butt. But next time, I may use a knife or something. So, you guys listen up. All I want is my brother, Jason. Give him a helicopter, and let him fly it to me, ALONE. I see him safe and whole, I'll tell you where to get the antidote."

"Wh-What? What antidote?"

"Got your attentions finally, huh?" He laughed, "I gave her something… interesting. And according to her conditions now, seems you guys gotta be quick. Or she'll be dead in… one hour maybe."

Looking at the high light spots on the map pointed by a tech, Cragen clenched his teeth, "There's no fucking way I can get a helicopter so fast, let alone driving to where you are."

"That's not my concern, dude. If Jason can't be here in time, or you send one more other people, I swear I'll kill her with my bare hands."

"Then you'll never see your brother again!"

"Oh, really? Tell you what. The reason you find out my location, is because I let you. And even you bring all the cops here, I can still disappear right under your noses, again. And next time, I'll play harder, with another scramming bitch, till get my brother back!"

"Who the fuck do you think you are? Harry Houdini?"

"Wanna try me? Go ahead."

Olivia opened her eyes.

"Welcome back, woman. Bad dream?"

Once back to conscious, the raising pain from all over her body kicked off the foggy dreams quickly. Yeah, Olivia was glad the damn dream was cut off. But soon, she realized what happened now was obviously hundred times worse.

She was still in the wood house, lying on a mattress with her wrists tied together to her back.

"What you want from me?"

"Don't move," putting a hand on her arm, the tall man sat himself down on the mattress. "The bullet might be stuck in your lower lung. That's why you keep coughing blood. But lucky you, I stopped the bleeding and bandaged the wound. So, just be good, don't die too soon."

Talking about the wound, Olivia looked toward it immediately, seeing it was swathed in some pieces of cloth, which obviously coming from the dirty sheet she was lying on.

And her entire body was totally naked.

"Yes, your body is great, if that's what you're wondering." T rose to his feet and smirked. "And your nipples are sexy, by the way."

Olivia felt her heart quickened, as well as her rage growing. "Just tell me, what, do, you, want?"

Turning back to her, an old tie held in his hand. "But I hate the way your fucking cop eyes glaring at me." Immediately, he blindfolded her tightly, without leaving her any chance to fight back. "You don't need to know a shit. Just be my bitch and," grabbing off the cravat from his neck, he gagged her, "… and behave yourself, otherwise…" But before finished, T felt a huge pain stabbing between his legs, driving his body collapsed down backward.

Hearing his heavy body hit the ground, Olivia regretted the strike immediately.

It must be her cop nature, her instinct, but she knew she made a terrible mistake. There was no way she could use this opportunity to run, run with blindfolded, hands tied back…? Honestly, she didn't even know if she was strong enough to get herself up.

Whatever, she still had to try, which surely better than waiting for his repayment. Luckily, Olivia managed to her feet and stumbled to the direction of the door she remembered.

Dammit! Where the hell is the door? She knew it was on the right side of the bad, but why it felt so far? In the totally darkness, she could clearly hear T's cursing and movements getting closer and closer, while feeling her legs losing strength helplessly.

Just when she almost gave up running, something felt like a knob hit her hip. Without any eyesight, Olivia's brain seemed run ten times faster than usual, making her turn around and use her tied hands to identify.

God, yes! It was the knob. She twisted it open, feeling the fresh cold air rushed over right away, and seeing bright light through the blindfold.

Where to go did not matter anymore now, all she knew was just run, as fast as her legs could.

But it was too late.

Within a few steps stumbling in the thick snow, an overwhelming power pushed her down.

Olivia knew she must be sort of knocked out, at least for a minute, cuz she felt her body was moving as someone yelling all the way… but all the sounds sounded miles away, as if she was sealed in some jar.

After a while, she opened her eyes, and realized she was shaking, shaking uncontrollably like a leaf, and still, surrounded with darkness. Damn, Olivia knew it was not the wood house anymore. Here was so much colder than she remembered.

_A__ basement?_

"Finally stop faking dead, huh? Bitch! C'mon, show me how good you can act!"

Yeah, the environment sounded so much like a basement now. A small, wet and smelly basement. And Olivia felt him, standing beside her, breathing heavily.

Suddenly, he pulled the gag out of her mouth roughly.

"Time to apologize! I know you're better than those stupid virgins. Don't let me down..."

"Captain, the SWAT team's on their way, will be there in 50 minutes."

"Tell them to make it 40! We don't have much time." Cragen ordered impatiently.

"God, I can't take it anymore…" Elliot kicked his chair away, "Is it really necessary taking so damn long to get a helicopter? They should at least earn some time for Olivia!"

"It had been a huge progress to actually convince them sending a copter!" Cragen banged the desk yelling back.

"Yeah, I glorify them! But just how fucking long it will take? God knows what the fuck he gave to her and whether she's suffering…"

"I know you care about your partner, Elliot," ADA Janna Smith put a hand on his arm, "and we all do. But how do you know he is not just frightening us? We don't even know Olivia's in his hand for sure!"

"I KNOW IT WAS HER voi… " Elliot suddenly felt so stupid and pointless to have this argument all over again, "You listen carefully. For all these 12 years, the time we've spent together is much more than most of the 12 years married couples! Even she was burnt to ash, I would still recognize her the second I saw it with my eyes!" he took a breath, the vein on his neck standing out, "That's what you don't understand. And if you do, there's no way you'll take the risk. What if that bastard did hurt her? What if she's injured, tortured, and waiting for us to find h…"

Elliot turned away and bit back his trembling words, wiping away the tears as unnoticeable as he could.

People went silent; no one dared to comfort him, just hearing his steps rushing to the rest room.

At the same time, Alex Cabot had been leaning on her desk, rubbing her pounding temple for a while, thinking about everything and nothing; nothing but her newly roomie. Taking one last glace at her watch, she knew she had to leave, to the court. She was supposed to review every detail all over again, preparing for kicking the ass of the defence counsel… But now, honestly, her entire soul slipped away.

Why the hell it still nothing came from them? As far as she knew, the cops would negotiate with the kidnapper at first, to buy some time, and finally got a way to rescue the hostage. There was no way NYPD would make any substantive deal with the bad guys. But this time, she just hoped they could actually try it, for at least one time.

God, Alex even wished the kidnappers could get everything he asked, then got the hell out of the country, the universe, whatever, she just didn't care.

All she wanted, was to see the brunette finally standing right in front of the squad room gate, rolling her eyes and said, "You really don't need to be that worried, you know?"

About one hour later, after almost screwing her case but finally ended up adjourned for two weeks, Alex Cabot let out a long breath and checked her phone immediately.

Still, no news from SVU.

She couldn't take it anymore; she needed to hear from that brunette's damn partner about what the hell was going on now. But as her finger dialing the phone, she got cold feet.

What if the news was just too bad to tell? Or they were still working on the rescue cuz things might be getting worse, or...

_Stop it!_

Alex kicked off the thoughts quickly before her heart stopped beating, and simply dialed the phone. No matter what, she couldn't just scare herself to death while knowing nothing.

Elliot was about to turn his phone to silent mode when Alex's call coming.

"Alex... Alex, listen, I'm in a helicopter, so... Yes... yes... we, I... I'm on my way to get her, and I'll call you back soon." He yelled, to let his voice audible in the noisy background.

At the end of their talking, he'd hesitated for a moment, and said "I promise". Yeah, he knew that was way too far from a confident vow. Now he even regretted about getting on this copter, cheating the deal.

Again, Elliot Stabler realized just how cowardly he really was. Even holding a gun in hand, pointed at the back of the pilot's head; even the pilot had been secretly planted a tracing source in the arm when he was drugged; even nearly got the entire NYPD for backup... Elliot could still feel his body sweating profusely in the freezing winter air.

There wasn't any other choice. It was such a high profile case with so many other innocent victims still hiding in the chains of the underage-prostitute system waiting to be rescue, let alone the desperate parents crying for their kids... He had to get T Walker, he had to, for being-a-cop's sake.

And, ... this was HER he was coming for.

That thought suddenly hit him hard, giving a cold shiver running through him.

Olivia, Olivia Benson, Detective Benson... Liv...

Before he knew it, Elliot found his own mind slipping to some totally out of character place, again.

Yeah, part of him always thought about giving everything the bastards wanted, satisfying them, bagging them... whatever, he just didn't care, to his partner back.

His,

Liv...

"You better hide a little deeper back in the shadow, boss," Jason's sudden talk dragged Elliot back, "we're landing."

"Good. You just behave yourself and do exactly everything single thing on the plan," Elliot threatened, "or you'll enjoy the show of your brother's fucking head get exploded by the sniper. You hear me?"

Stepping back and forth in this tiny messy office, had became more and more unbearable to Alex. She felt like some caged animal.

Elliot did say "soon", right? Fuck yes, and seemed it was all she remembered in the brief talk. But how long was it exactly? Ten minutes? An hour or two? For now, it'd been over 30 minutes, and in this God damn long time, she had pictured thousand times of the process they negotiating, they moving closer, taking down the bad guys, and finding Olivia...

And deep inside, Alex knew clearly how ridiculous her imagines were. She didn't even know whether Olivia was injured or not, alive or d...

"Cragen, it's me." before she realized, she already lifted the phone to her ear, "I just... uh, if it's not the time..." and she heard the old captain's depressing voice cut her off.

"Oh... NO…"


	6. Chapter 6

Ok, this chapter will be a little violent. You've been warned.

CHAPTER 6

Lifting his heavy head up, saw the face in the mirror; Elliot punched the glass into pieces as hard as he could.

He gasped, staring blankly at his injured hand. But there was nothing. No pain, no exhaustion... nothing but the burning rage filling in his blood, rushing in the every cell of his being.

He still couldn't accept or understand things just happened an hour ago. How?

How could that bastard so successfully get away from the wall-like besieging, again? Going through everything in his mind all over again, Elliot assumed that T Walker must have been waiting there until saw the copter arriving. Yeah, no way had that bastard done all this for just playing with police; he was a dealer, not some psycho. So he must feel something not right… Yeah, that could explain why he left in a hurry...

Letting himself sink to the floor, Elliot felt his anger replaced by guilt.

God, he knew she was there, he knew it the second he got down there. And he swore to God he sensed her. That sudden familiar feeling made his adrenalin exploded. And when he came to the bloody mattress beside the wall, he couldn't even get too close...

Elliot squeezed his eyes shut tightly, told himself he had make his running brain stop, stop picturing how Olivia lay there... she must be in pain, cold, scared... And no, he didn't dare to think what the bastard might have done to her, how she really was now.

Oh, dear God...

Suddenly, Elliot doubted whether he lost the ability of feeling his partner. Cuz he felt so hollow, so isolated and empty, as if floating in the middle of endless ocean, alone.

_Where am I?_

Reopened her sore eyes and slowly blinked the fuzzy away, Olivia surprisingly found that all the pain and coldness were gone. Uncountable times, she'd tried uncountable times, to concentrate, to think, but always ended up falling asleep or passing out.

Only this time, things were different.

She actually saw things, things dragging her back to the present. Trees, pine trees, snow… hell, she was still standing in the knee-deep snow with bare feet and legs. No, not only this, she realized her body was literally naked up and down.

Funny thing was, she didn't feel anything, also, she couldn't move any part of her body any inch.

Shit…

She remembered, remembered how she ended up here and how desperately she'd wanted to run, to fight… But now, with her mouth gagged, she was deadly tied to a tree, exposing in this world of ice and snow.

Just how fucking long I've been staying like this?

Damn, seemed she overrated her brain…

Now, the whole world drifted in some creepy silence, making her heartbeat sounded a bit too loud and unreal.

Am I dying?She wondered.

In all the years, seeing death and blood, Olivia had thought about moment like this from time to time. She'd pictured being shot, stabbed, strangled… just like the dead bodies she saw, and she used to wonder which way was most painful.

But didn't know since when, she began to feel numb about death, her own death.

Well, yes, a cop's life was not so crapy, at least for the victims' sake. Though, somehow, part of her always felt her birth, her whole life as some mistake, no matter she'd admitted it or not.

There were big hollows in her heart, and seemed no way on earth could anyone actually fix any of them.

Yeah, as people said, life was lonely.

For Olivia, she'd been living lonely for all her life, and her strength was burning out.

Suddenly, death was not that horrible at all. Maybe, maybe it just felt like a peaceful sleep, release… even a mercy?

Before everything sank in the dark, Olivia smiled a happy tear slipping down her face.

"Wake the fuck up!"

His bark sounded like coming from the other side of the world, and didn't make any sense to her. Olivia kind of slipped away again. It felt like a swim pool, or a lake maybe, and she was sinking, sinking to the bottom...

"I'll make you PAY! You fucking bitch!" Pulling out her gag, T picked up a hammer from the snow field.

BANG!

"Uuhhhh~!" Suddenly, an unbearable ripping pain shot through Olivia's right knee, making her eyes jerk open as she heard herself screaming.

All her life, she never felt so much pain in the twinkling of an eye. She could feel the sweat coming down her forehead in a second, while her entire body shaking like an epileptic fit.

Struggled to refocus, Olivia couldn't believe her eyes. There was a big, thick, long metal nail sticking through her right knee, pinned her leg tightly on the tree.

"SCREAM! C'mon! What the fuck do you think you are? Think you can beat me, huh? You're just a fucking cheap whore!"

"Fuck you!" not sure it was the pain, anger or adrenalin, Olivia found her voice was surprisingly stronger, "No matter how much manliness... you, you try to show me... you're not a man anymo..."

"SHUT UP!"

With that, Olivia felt her head swung to the side, and twinkling stars flying everywhere in front of her eyes.

"I know you wanna die," he squeezed her neck with one hand, pinned her head still, "and I want nothing more than watching you die a painful death in my hands… You know what? You really should have bitten much harder than you did before, cuz if you can't kill a lion with one strike, you are dead for sure!"

He let go of Olivia's neck, leaving her coughing and gasping.

"Then do, do it…"

"Do what?" he swung the hammer, "accidentally" bump on Olivia's now bleeding knee.

"Emmm..." biting her lower lip hard, Olivia forced herself not to cry out. "Why ddddon't ya ju… just kkkkill… me?"

"Cuz you don't deserve it. You have to pay!"

"F, f, for what?... Cas… castrated you?"

Silence.

Only Olivia's heavy breath there.

In ten seconds, T hadn't even moved an inch. With teeth clenched, every piece of muscle tightened, he gazed the pale, sweaty, gasping woman, who was glaring right back at him with her huge brown eyes.

Finally he moved.

He took a half step closer, turned the hammer upside down, holding the head of it instead of the shaft.

Scanning his cold eyes, Olivia kind of expected her time would come. Death was good, at least for now, at least for releasing her from all the horrible pains. She only feared of how her body would be found by the CSU, by… him…

And just as Elliot's face floating in her mind, a huge wave of sharp pain popped in between her legs.

"BEG ME! SCREAM!" T yelled, shoving the shaft of the hammer in and out her vagina violently.

The tearing pain almost knocked Olivia out, but also, raised her anger. After Sealview, after getting through the whole hell of long way to finally pull her life back together, Olivia swore to God with her entire soul, that she would never, ever beg anyone for anything in the rest of her life.

Now, in the incredible pain felt like ripping her apart, Olivia only bit her lip harder and squeezed her eyes shut tightly, making every effort to seal her sounds in throat.

Taking several deep breaths, going with coughs and the stabbing pain in her chest, Olivia felt the hardest moment sort of passed. She opened eyes, found her trembling voice, "FFFFuck…you…"

The bald man froze, his bull eyes reddened. All these years, he never met any woman like this. After taking so much tortures, losing so much blood, how came a woman could still tear him up with that stubborn eyes?

It frustrated him.

Gritted teeth, he yanked out the shaft, "Fuck? You want fuck, don't you?" Violently, he shoved it back inside her, thrust time and time again, each time deeper and harder.

"Do you like it? You, Fucking, Like, It?"

Olivia could feel she was slipping to the edge of breakdown, both mentally and physically. With every thrusting she couldn't help but try to close legs for protest, only brought more overwhelmingly pain from her knee…

She finally opened mouth and swallowed as much air as her lung could take, cuz the pain was driving her heartbeat ten times quicker than usual. But still, she hadn't made a sound, only silently took all the tortures, feeling hotness and wetness streaming down her legs.

Eventually, after one last rough thrust, T pulled the shaft out, let it dropped, sinking into the snow.

"Stupid little whore… " he spit, seemed tired, or bored, "you already satisfied me anyway. So," he smirked, "once a bitch always a bitch…"

Suddenly, the sounds of helicopter cut him off. And almost at the same time, his phone went off.

"You've got what you wanted. Let us speak to Detective Benson." Elliot said slowly and clearly, making sure his killing worry didn't show.

"Not until I see Jason. And this time you fucking cops dare trick me again, I swear I'll make her fucking famous!" he threatened, eyes never left the helicopter, which was circling above the woods trying to land on the small clearing nearby.

"You son of a bitch! We need to hear her voice!"

Happily seeing the copter finally landed, T felt his blood boiled. He knew, that without taking a hostage, he would never make it to the copter, let alone getting away from here with Jason.

"You want her sound? Fine, here you go." Holding the line, he slid the phone in pocket, picked that bloody hammer up, and pried the nail out of Olivia's knee without a blink of the eyes.

This time, Olivia screamed, screamed almost every bit of her life out, until the darkness fell, knocking her out of senses.

"Olivia? Liv!... Liv?... FUCK YOU! What the fuck you did to her?…" Her screaming was killing Elliot, as if a knife stabbing in his heart.

"Relax, Romeo, she'll be with me all the way, until we fly to some safe place safety, then I'll let you find her. Remember, DO NOT do anything stupid, cuz if any of us dead, you'll never know what I gave to her and where to find the cure." Before Elliot said something, he added, "You guys stay put at where you are. Anyone dare try anything, she's dead!"

With a barrel of cold water pouring to the unconscious brunette, T Walker was happy to see she winced and shot her eyes open.

The sudden sting of ice cold felt like a billion needles pierced through her body. Now, Olivia's brain was just like some overloaded machine, out of energy, out of life, out of everything in the moment, except the death cold.

Olivia vibrated, turning blue.

And the next thing she comprehended was they were moving.

Unsure of whether she was walking by herself, or was dragging, Olivia could only feel numb and breathless. Now, coldness was gone. It was just her lungs, seemed more and more useless.

Feeling Olivia's body sinking, T had to held her more tightly.

"God dammit!" he scanned around alertly, "almost there, almost…"

As they getting closer to the helicopter, the police shrank the surrounding circle also.

Cragen hid his eyes behind the telescope, as if doing this could isolate him from the increasing stress and make the sweating on his back dry. He knew better than anyone else here, that the moment was coming, moment of making decision:

Fire or not; now or never.

The miscarriage of their last plan had hit the entire department hard, especially Elliot. As such an old boss of this unit, Cragen knew his detective well, knew him too well to even think about what the second fail would do to him.

And this was Olivia's life they were dealing with.

Now, watching her lifeless body was used as human shield by that motherfucker, just making his hesitation more torturable.

"Don, what the hell are you waiting for? The sniper's losing the chance!"

Hearing the yelling in the radio, Cragen swallowed hard, as the sweat from his forehead streaming in his eyes.

God, he gotta make the choice. Another minute, they would fly off.

Just as the Cragen opening his month, someone caught his arm.

"Don't!"

Turning back, he met Elliot's bloody red eyes.

Finally, the brothers had their reunion in the helicopter.

"You fucking genius! Can't believe it worked! C'mon, get in!" Jason Walker shouted excited, helping his brother move Olivia in.

"Careful! There're snipers!" Once getting inside, T collapsed on the backseat, pulling Olivia down on top of him. "You go… go fly the fucking copter off, now!"

Closing his eyes, he felt lightheaded, sweaty and thirsty. There was no doubt the big wound on his cock opened up again, and his pants was already soaked in sticky and hotness.

"You got shot?" Jason noticed something must be wrong.

"No… Just, get us fly the fuck off, NOW!"

"We are fucking climbing! Can't you feel it? And just tell me are you hurt!"

There was a moment silence.

"This bitch bit my…."

Jason turned back, locked his eyes on his brother's bloody pants, then shoes. "Oh no… She didn't bit your… did she?"

T didn't respond.

Jason couldn't help but nearly clench his teeth cracked. His big brother, his father-like brother, was just shamed by a woman, a fucking stupid bitch… If they were at somewhere else, anywhere, he swore he would eat her alive.

Another glance at Olivia, Jason felt his rage explode. He wanted her dead, now.

"What the fuck are you doing, Don? You just let them fly away right in front of you? We could have taken them down thousand times!" The commander of the tactical team, Jack Nathan's loud shouting almost broke the radio.

Cragen just let him yell, eyes still stuck on the telescope.

"Plan A is over, Jack. It was too risky to fire in such a long distance. And we still can trace them anyway, so," Put the telescope down, Cragen sighed, "conservatism is a good thing sometimes."

"The hell it is! God knows how many variables will be involved the rest of the way!"

"At least we didn't cause hostage's death before she got the chance to start it!"

Suddenly, Elliot's yell caught Cragen's attention. "Look they opened the door!"

"What the hell he w…"

Words stuck in tongue, Cragen's eyes shooting widely open.

"NO-!" Elliot's death scream exploded out, tearing the peaceful snow-woods apart.

Jaw dropping to the ground, Cragen just felt his heart stopped.

He couldn't believe that they just pushed Olivia out of the helicopter, letting her drop down to the ground like dumping garbage…

And before he knew it, his detective had rushed out. He was running, stumbling, yelling and crawling forward in the deep snowfield with both hands and feet, bending all his efforts to reach Olivia partner as quick as his shaking legs allowed.

Elliot Stabler really had no idea about how the heck he pushed and pulled his body to the side of Olivia. When actually seeing her, there were few second he just frozen there, feeling physically dead himself. His lung didn't work, his heart didn't work, every single cell of his being burned to ash and flew away in the wind.

He could barely recognize the naked, death color, lifeless, covered with bruises and bloodiness woman. So, therefore he denied it immediately, laugh at himself, bit his bottom lip until tasted something salt.

But what he couldn't deny, was the first thing he saw, had already killed off all his dreams of fluke.

That damn golden necklace with double chains.

One of them with a square pendant hung on, read "fearlessness", which was a gift from her mother. And where the golden chains lying on, there was an old scar, which he had seen it almost every day since the Gitano case.

_No, no__…_

Still chewing on the same spot of his lower lip and sucking the familiar salt taste, now Elliot only couldn't tell it was from his blood or his tears.

"L-Liv…?"

He finally let himself collapse down, watching his trembling hands reaching to that ashy face which covered with tousy hair and bloody bruises.

but before touching her skin, his hand somehow slid down to her neck instead.

There were…

pulses… ?

_Oh, Jesus… _

The very weak pulses felt like some electric shock running through Elliot's body, and it sort of activated his brain all of a sudden.

Took his coat off immediately, covered it on Olivia's body, his cop mood kicking back in.

Where she possibly hurt, what to do at first, and how long would it take to get to the nearest hospital… Thousand things rushed in his mind at the same time. Though, it didn't flustered him much. Actually, knowing Olivia was still breathing, kind of smoothed his broken heart all of a sudden.

Elliot yelled for paramedics as loud as he could, as if to fight the urge of holding her, picking her ice-cold body up, running back to the ambulance.

He gently brushed the messy hair out of her face with shaking fingers, telling her over and over again that she would be fine, she was safe now.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

Alex Cabot totally had no idea about how she made it to the small hospital which she'd never heard before, and how she spent nearly two hours to finally be here in the snow day.

The last thing she remembered, was talking with a victim, as Munch's call interrupted in.

And now, here she was, standing outside the green gate of ER, gazing at the big clock hanging on the wall beside, read 11 am.

Hand sticking on the door, she couldn't help but take deep breathes over and over again. She knew she got cold feet.

All her life, as an ADA, Alex had been so used of being judged, no matter ended up win or loses in the courtroom. But now, with her heart pounding, the blond suddenly felt a huge awe of God, for the first time.

According to Munch in the call, Olivia had been in and out all the way in the ambulance, and even flat-lined twice.

Twice.

Alex couldn't picture that scene. She couldn't. No…

But, at least there wasn't any bad news came after that, right?

She took a glance at her phone once again. Good, no missed call or message.

_No news is good news._

Alex forced her heavy body to walk in.

Munch was the first one meeting Alex's eyes as her approaching. And before the blond said anything, he had known what she gonna ask. "She's still in surgery." He said.

"How's she?" Her still asked.

"She, uh… " He didn't know where to start. There were some unnoticeable twinkles flashing in Alex's blue eyes, made his rest words stick in throat.

"She's not good," he couldn't lie.

The blond escaped her eyes.

"For now, we only knew she's been shot, in the chest, lost a lot blood, and… there's a nail hole on her knee, through and through, so… some damages might be left… but the doctor's most concern, is her temperature. That son of a bitch nearly froze her to death."

Covering her trembling mouth in one hand, Alex held her breath, eyes on some spot of the ground.

"Did, d-did he r… Is she, she…"

Munch pulled her shaky body in his arms, "She… was bleeding badly down there, when we found her…"

"Oh God…" Alex pushed away immediately, "Oh… no, no…" she murmured, covering her face in both hands, walked away.

Munch was about to reach her arm, as his captain stopped him, mouthed "no".

Twenty minutes later, Alex went back. She headed straight to Elliot Stabler, who was sitting in the corner, far from everyone.

Standing beside, Alex realized that it was actually the first time she saw Olivia's life time partner, since leaving SVU. And truth be told, she never expected their reunion like this, seeing him this... old.

Hands in pockets, Elliot's eyes half opened, staring blankly at nowhere in front, seemed like a dead fish, a statue.

Moving her eyes away from him, Alex sat down beside.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna make you go through the whole things all over again. Cragen's told me everything... I just," Alex brushed some hair off her eyes, looked down, "… I just want to know, what happened to Olivia. I mean, before this undercover." she couldn't help but remembered the kiss mark and all the bruises on the brunette's body. "Something, something happened recently, right?"

Elliot dropped his head, eyeing the ground, feeling her stare burning.

Indeed. There was something, something could ruin their 11 years partnership... ruin everything between them. And the his stupid brain even had no idea about what exactly happened.

That night…

"Elliot?"

"What do you want from me, counselor?" he rose to his feet slowly and walked away, "Leave me alone."

"Did someone do something to her?"

_Yeah, I did, I __might do something brutish to my 11 years partner…_

"I don't know what you are talking about." He breathed with his back to her.

"You don't know who did it or you don't know any of this?" Alex paused before rose her voice, "The hell you don't know, Stabler. She's exhausted, she's upset, and she has those typical injuries which nobody knows better than you SUV guys!"

Her words twisted his gut.

Yes, Elliot had never hated himself so much in all his life. Never.

"Could you get the hell away from me for just a moment?" he rose his voice, picturing Olivia's lifeless body in his mind over and over again. "Yes, you're right. I am an ass, an useless bastard, I can't even save her from that…"

Alex lowered her eyes at the same time feeling this man chocking in tears and turned away. But still, she took a step ahead, "I'm sorry, Elliot, I'm not accusing you. I just… " She took a breath before continued, "Obviously, Olivia's been going through some bad thing before this. I'm so worried about her, but she didn't talk to me… "

Anyway, Alex still couldn't believe that this man literally worried to death about his partner, hadn't even noticed or done something before things got too far. "Elliot, maybe it's none of my business, but YOU are her partner. And you tell me you don't know any of her injuries. I wonder since when you began to consider your partner as some unbreakable super woman."

"Stop it! You know nothing about her or me!"

"Yes, I do!" Alex scanned back and forth between his two eyes, "But you just don't. You're the one who has no idea of what you really want, or what the hell you're doing. Maybe you two were fighting, even distant, but she's miserable! And you just don't give a damn?"

"The fuck I don't! She's my partner, my soul… " As the last word leaving his tongue, Elliot shut up.

_What kind of partner you are? You did hurt her, __maybe even r…_

"Why I feel like you're hiding something, Stabler?"

"What the hell are you assuming?"

"She's been avoiding talking about you. Elliot. Do you have something to do with her injury?"

"Screw you, Cabot."

"Yeah? Just like how you screwed her?"

Her words echoing in the silent waiting room, drew everyone's eyes over.

"Is Elliot Stabler here?" At the uncomfortably moment, a tall male doctor in his thirties came over.

"I am."

"Mr. Stabler? I'm Dr. Glen. According to the files, you're Olivia Benson's emergent contact. And you're her…"

"Partner, we're detectives from NYPD. H-How is she?"

"Alright, Det. Stabler. Good thing is, she's still hanging on there, and I come to tell you, her condition's really bad… So, you better be prepared."

Here it was.

Everyone stilled, except Alex Cabot.

Using the wall to brace herself, Alex collapsed in the nearest chair, feeling like a deafening thunder just exploded on her skull.

"Just how much chance we have?" Elliot's voice was shaky.

Dr. Glen took a glance at the people around.

"It's ok, we're all families. Just tell us." Elliot added.

"Okay. I'd say… it's up to her now, which means, if she chooses to let go, she could die in any minute."

"Bet you damn doctors say this crap every day, don't you? Or maybe you're just too fucking stupid to really help her, cuz she's a FIGHTER! And she NEVER let go, you son of a bitch!" Elliot got the doctor's collar before Cragen dragging him back.

"Elliot! You need to calm down, ok?"

"Sir, there will never be any effort spared to help my patient if that's what you are questioning!" Dr. Glen clarified, smoothing his clothes.

Cragen nodded, "Doctor, I apologize… I'm his captain, and he's just… "

"Yeah, I understand. No need." Glen held up a hand, "I'm telling the truth here, Captain. As she got here, her blood pressure and body temperature were dropping fast, and could barely breathe by herself. But we found the main bleeding places, stopped them, and gave her blood transfusion. So, literally, she had beaten the most threatening battle. But, seems it was the very beginning of a long journey." He blew out a breath before continued, "She got one bullet stuck in her lung and we just couldn't take it out during this surgery."

"Why?" Elliot asked immediately.

"There are two concerns. Firstly, this bullet located in an extremely dangerous place, only one or two millimeter from her pulmonary artery. So, yes, somehow Detective Benson is lucky, or she could have… you know. And secondly, she's just too weak to take such a long surgery, let alone it's too risky and may increase the probabilities of infection."

"So, there will be another surgery after this?"

"Actually, we planned at least two, if she can pull through." Glen really hated to say this, but he had to. "There's a hematoma in her brain… and, her legs are badly frostbitten, which means, there's a possibility, that we might have do the amputation, down the knees. But, don't get me wrong. I just said 'possibility'. Now we still have more than 60% percent chance. And it depends on her conditions. After this surgery, she'll be sent to ICU, and we gonna see her progress. If things go well in 48 hours, then she can keep her legs, just needs a knee joint replacement."

After a life time silent, someone finally whispered "ok".

"However, I'd say, only if she can make it down the table first."

_-Three hours later-_

Munch came to Alex, handing her a cup of coffee and a sandwich.

"C'mon, at least take a bite."

She hesitated, before took them. "No offence, but I'm pretty sure if I eat, I may end up puke any second."

"Then puke," the skinny sergeant raised a brow, "keeping your stomach busy."

She blew out a sigh, putting the food down on the near chair. "Seriously, I feel nauseas…"

"Alex," he peeped at the operation room, "she's going to make it, you know it."

"Yeah, sure." Followed Munch's eyes, she forced an unnoticeable smile. "And, John," Alex took off her glasses, looked down, "I think I crossed the line. I mean, Elliot, he's been under pressures recently, and now this…I may just need to find someone to blame, so…"

"It's alright. And somehow, yes, he deserves it, because he's been such a dick for a while. But," he turned to look at her, "There's no way he would harm her. I won't believe it, never."

Holding his eyes for a moment, Alex smiled, this time for real. "You're right."

He smiled back. "I'm always right. So, I assure you, the sandwich is so much better than you think. Don't wanna have a taste?"

Just as Alex rolling her eyes, an old male doctor walked out of the surgery room, wiping sweat off his face.

"Doctor!" Elliot rushed ahead the gray hair doctor as soon as he saw him. "Have any information of Olivia Benson?"

People gathered over, except Alex, who stood behind, chewing her finger nail.

"You are…"

"Elliot Stabler, I'm…"

"Uh, Det. Stabler, you're Det. Benson's emergent contact, I know. My assistant Dr. Glen talked about just now. Good to see you. I'm Dr. Lee, the doctor in charge."

"Yeah," Elliot shook his hand, feeling it sweaty and cold. "Why it took so long? And how's my partner?"

"Well, she's been sent to ICU now. And what I have to tell you, is during the surgery, she flat-lined again. And this time, it lasted nearly 3 minutes, long enough to make all the doctors record the time of death." He paused, taking a breath, "But just as we about to give up, the heart monitor showed something, then we got her back."

Elliot let out the air holding too long in his lung. But immediately, his gut twisted again to see Lee avoided his eyes.

"Though, it's still possible, that her brain has been damaged."

Nobody moved.

"W-What, kind of damage?" Alex asked.

"We can't be sure now. Not until she wake up. And, detective Stabler?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you for a minute please?"

"Sure."

Damn. Elliot hated this. He hated this so called "private talking" in ER, making him nervous.

Came to the nurse station, Dr. Lee leaded both of them into a small office inside, closed the door.

"Does Det. Benson have any relatives? Her files say that you're her next of kin."

Elliot thought about Simon Marsden. But he wiped that name out immediately. "No, she's all by herself. Why?"

"Because if the circumstance goes down, we'll need someone to make decisions. You know, just in case."

"W-What decision? And in case of what?"

The elder doctor eyed Elliot for a moment. "In this surgery, we stopped the bleeding of the vagina trauma and gunshot wound, fixed the damage of her spleen, then, we did the craniotomy, to release the intracranial pressure. Sir, someone beat her up really badly, kicked the hell out of her…For now, all the life threaten emergencies have been handled. But, I'm afraid the delayed traumatic intracranial hematoma on the way, which could cause many serious consequences, such as paralysis, amnesia, vegetable… even death, let alone her brain might be harmed during the long time shock. So, anything could happen, unless she regains consciousness."

Elliot tried so hard to catch up with what he was talking about. "How… much of a chance does she have? I mean, to survive."

"It's hard to say… Most people…"

"No, no," Elliot cut him off, forcing the bump in his throat down. "Olivia is not most people. She's the strongest woman I've ever known…"

"Detective, as a doctor in charge, I have to say, it's already a miracle that she made it down the table. And you better be prepared… So, if she has any will…"

"Oh, wait wait," _What will? Can it be more ridiculous? _"Just how much chance please? Half and half, or…"

"20 percent. At most 30."

Seeing this big guy's eyes reddened, the doctor softened his voice, "Anyway, she's young and tough; she's even pulled through this marathon surgery. So, at least it's a good sign, isn't it? And hypothermia kind of slowed down the bleeding, saved her life, so did the thick snow. Thanks for that, her spine didn't get hurt."

Then what? God, that animal had hurt her so damn badly.

"How… are her legs?"

"We removed the meniscus of her right leg, cuz it had been too damaged to fix. But I really worried about the threatening infection causing by the frostbite."

"God… W-What if it happens?"

"In that case, probably, we have to consider amputation, below the knees."

His words echoed around in Elliot's mind. How? How could the doctor be so cold, so cruel, to announce this judgment to Olivia, to his Liv…?

Though, Elliot got himself in control eventually.

"Okay, doc… you just tell me, whether she can make a full recovery, I mean, back to the same people I know, how many battles are waiting on the way?"

"First of all, she has to wake up from the coma, get through the surgery of taking the bullet out. After that, her system has to win the fight of infection. Then, she better be lucky enough to have none sequelae left, so she can start her way of physical therapy, and psychological therapy…"

"Yeah, ok, ok..."

And suddenly, his cop mood kicked in as well as his vision blurred by tears. If, just If, Olivia couldn't back to the same after this, or even… he really gonna make that son of a bitch pay.

"Doc," Just as the old doctor opened the door, Elliot stopped him, tears rolling down his face. "Did, did you," the quiver of his chin made him hard to speak. "Did you…do the rape kit?" he finally said.

"Yes, we did. And we took the pictures, as procedure. You'll get all the evidence in a while."

Nodding his head, Elliot could only say a silent "thank you".

Truth be told, he didn't know exactly what the hell he was thinking and feeling about now, or what made him more miserable. The burning urge of revenge, or the chocking sorrow of possibly losing... her.

"Can I see her?"

"The next 24 hours are critical. And she's isolated, for the sake of reducing the infections risk. So, no, not yet." Dr. Lee shook his head, and walked out, leaving Elliot stood still there.

The sun was rising now.

While everything getting bright and real, Elliot felt his tears poured down like some wild river burst its banks.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Alex Cabot heard the sound of her heart shattering into pieces.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

Bang!

Alex flinched at some kid's balloon burst.

_Shit. _

She took a deep breath and buckled the belt, wondering exactly how long she'd been sitting in the ice-bunker-like car.

_Hasn__'t the last big snow almost melted up? And why it still so freaking cold? _

Yeah, the heavy snow had been melted away bit by bit, long before she noticed it. All of a sudden, Alex Cabot realized how fast time flew.

It'd been what, a week? Oh, no, eight days exactly, she did a little calculation. Olivia was still in coma, living totally depended on machines, and her condition was getting worse.

The frostbite on Olivia's legs, had caused a series of infection spreading in her system, and brought high fever since the day before yesterday.

Alex knew clearly what it meant.

This moment, sitting in the bright winter sun, somehow making Alex lost in thought.

Since things happened to Olivia, Alex had been tasting the word called "helpless" day after day, and it killed her deep inside. Because Cabot was never an obeyer, no matter fighting in the court or fighting the fate, though she knew she couldn't always win. But this time, for the first time she learned just how small she truly was. And it made her almost become a theist.

However, she still wondered if there was a God, fate, or whatever existed. Because what kind of God would let some woman as dedicated, selfless, always helping people... suffer things like this?

And why the God didn't hear her prays? Or maybe he did, but just too busy to answer, or had some other creepy twisted plan to play with people?

Alex cursed.

Doctors had used almost the highest level meds, did everything they could, and did the best. But still, their worst fears were realized.

Well, maybe not the "worst", at least they got her right leg better, said she could keep it. But her left leg, was just...

Clearly, it was the time to making decision, only who the hell had the right? The fucking right of giving permission to cut Olivia's leg?

_Jesus__…_

At this moment, her cell phone rang.

Seeing it was from the hospital, her heart skipped a beat.

"Alex? It's me, Sarah Fraley."

Alex couldn't know this nurse's voice better after these days hanging in the hospital. But for what? Took a glance at her watch, Alex saw it'd been only ten minutes since she left the ICU. She frowned, running her mind quickly to catch any sub-emotion over the line. "Hi, Sarah. Uh, is everything ok?"

"More than ok, actually. Tell you what, Miss Benson woke up! So, I think you can see her now, if you want." The young nurse was obviously thrilled, though she tried really hard not to show.

"Wh-… Really? "

As Alex rushing out of the elevator, she saw Dr. Lee and Nurse Fraley stepping out of Olivia's room, closed the door behind.

"Doctor Lee!" She caught them by the side of the door, "How's she? Can I see her?" Alex gasped, couldn't help but peep through the small window of the Olivia's room.

"Uh, counselor," Lee seemed a little surprised of seeing her this soon, "have you called Detective Stabler?" His eyes moved to the nurse, who was looking at Alex questionably.

"He'll be here in a minute." Alex said quickly.

"Good." Lee nodded, peeping at his patient through the window. "She's conscious now, but still in fever, and can't breathe by herself, so, it's probably not some good sign... "

"What? Why?" before she finished, Alex's hand was already reaching out for the knob.

"Miss," he stopped her.

Alex stilled, meeting Lee's dark eyes.

"She seems…, she can only react of some basic communication."

"Basic…?"

The doctor paused a moment, "The sequela. Though it's hard to say exactly how much she can comprehend, I still suggest you talk to her, better let her know what we gonna do."

"So, it's the time, right?" Alex whispered.

"Yes. It's the time."

"Miss Cabot," Lee added.

She turned, pressing her lips together.

"No matter she can understand you or not, no matter how painful it will be…, it's the best chance, to drag her out of the death."

The minute Alex getting in, the disinfector smell flooded over, drawing her eyes located on the patient in the bed immediately, who was surrounded with tubes and machines.

For all those days, that was the first time she saw her. And it definitely was not the Olivia Benson she knew, remembered, or expected. Though she thought she'd been prepared well, and warned herself thousand times before this, but, still, Alex realized that there was no way she could ever imagine this.

This… simply reminded her some dying little animal in the first place, cuz who lying in the bad was not even like a people, but more like a leaf, a piece of paper or something. How- just, she couldn't identify the woman in front of her as the stunning detective she'd been known for almost 10 years.

Alex covered her trembling chin with the back of hand, forcing down the lump in her throat.

Coming to the bedside, she looked closely at Olivia, looked at that death-pale face covered with green and purple bruises.

Right, she was beat up, Alex reminded herself, as if doing this could possibly make things easier to accept. And right away, she realized that they shaved Olivia's hair off. Her beautiful silky brown hair, now was gone.

_The __craniotomy… Okay, at least it saved her life, isn't it?_

And above that pair of tightly closed eyes, half of Olivia's head was wrapped in heavy bandages, completely white bandages, which only made all the injuries on her face seemed more colorful.

Beside these, the brunette was still had the oxygen tube sticking in mouth, with the other side linking to a breath machine, pumping the air in and out her lungs.

Keeping her alive.

_She__'s there, isn't she?_

Alex gently picked up Olivia's hand in her own, sitting down in the chair.

God, her hand was so sweaty and hot, due to the high fever lasted two days. Alex wondered how she could possibly regain conscious in conditions like this.

"Liv?" she called her name gently.

Olivia stirred, cracking her eyes open.

Olivia stirred, cracking her eyes open.

There.

Someone was brushing the back of her hand, squeezed her fingers gently, she could feel, and it kinda wakened some of her sensations.

But her eyelids felt so heavy, took almost all her strength to keep them up. And soon, before she could blink the fuzzy away from her version, the pain, exhaustion and the screaming tinnitus inundated her.

Her eyelids fell back down.

_God__… what the hell? Am I sick or something?_

Olivia wondered, but only for a second, and her mind slipped away. Cause the pain was nearly unbearable, from her head, her stomach, her leg… from everywhere, making her want to scream, to sit the fuck and up see what the fuck was wrong with her.

But her body just seemed totally out of energy.

"Help me-!" She thought she shouted out.

Of course, Alex didn't hear anything, instead, she caught the brunette frowned and moved her lips a little bit.

"Hey, honey, can you hear me?" Alex closed the distance between them, whispered in her ear.

Suddenly, she heard someone opened the door and got in.

It was Elliot Stabler standing there.

Olivia felt like being splashed with cold water all of a sudden.

Something felt familiar, well, not only familiar, strange also, as if a silvery wind-bell rang through the foggy woods, or some flashing sparkles lit up the darkness, yanking her back to the clear world fast.

She struggled to open her eyes, got focus quickly this time.

And she recognized him.

Him.

Time felt like stopped. The two partners linked their eyes into a straight line.

But for Olivia, seeing Elliot's face seemed more like opening a floodgate. In a second, thousands of pictures, faces, voice, pieces of memory shatters overwhelmed her.

Alex felt a movement of Olivia's hand.

"Oh, yeah, I uh, give you guys some private time." Alex said, rising to her feet.

But Olivia seemed refused to let go of her hand.

"Hey, what's wrong? What do you want?" Alex narrowed her eyes, changing a look with Elliot who was walking over.

"Liv," Elliot rushed to the bedside, sort of carelessly brushed Alex away, taking Olivia's hand over. "How are you feeling?"

Olivia seemed more and more uncomfortable, avoided his eyes, attempting to draw her hand out.

But Elliot got confused, "It's me, Olivia, what's wrong? Hey, look at me, Liv, are you in pain?"

"Elliot, I think you scared her. Let go. Call the doctor."

He studied Alex's look, but turned back quickly, "Liv, just look at me, come on,"

Now, Olivia was almost struggling. She turned as far as she could away from her partner, gasped, as the heart monitor beeped more and more faster.

"Elliot! Let go!" Alex pulled his elbow. "You are hurting her!" At this moment, she caught Olivia's another hand was trying desperately to reach something.

Damn. The emergency button!

Alex bended over and press the button fast.

Still, seemed it was too late. Olivia suddenly exploded violent cough.

"God, get the doctor, now!" Alex shouted to Elliot, who was totally in shock, sitting there with his jaw dropped.

"Olivia! Breathe, breathe, you'll be… Oh, no…" Alex felt her heart stopped, as seeing the red blood spouting out, reddened the white breath-tube in Olivia's mouth all of a sudden.

"What happened?" The nurse Sarah Fraley rushed in, followed by Dr. Lee.

"She uh, I don't know... She just can't breathe and coughing blood!" Alex said, feeling her throat tightened.

"Doc, is... is she gonna be o-" Elliot asked, but only ended up being cut off.

"Blood pressure is dropping!"

"Get her to the surgery, NOW!"

"Doc!" Elliot grabbed Lee's elbow, "I-is she..."

"Must be the infection got her lung. Sir, you HAVE to make the decision, NOW."

Elliot swallowed hard.

The doctor was already on his way out, "You know how much time you've been wasted?"

Elliot followed up, "She's a damn cop! She can't be a fucking… she can't…"

"You'd rather she die?" Lee turned and glared at him, before rushing into the operation room.

Elliot shut up and stilled.

"Elliot," Alex was behind him, "she... can't be a cop anymore, and maybe it's time to accept thi..."

"Fuck you!" Elliot turned, "It's just some damn infection and there's no way she won't beat it!"

"This is Olivia's LIFE we are talking about and you're just guessing? Gambling!" Alex raised her voice.

"Exactly! It's Olivia's life, so how dare you expect me to just close my eyes and listen to the fucking doctors? They don't even give a damn! All they wanted is to get rid of every trouble as soon as possible, even long before it got really dangerous. But the sacrifices you made? No one cares!" He shook his head, "No one will take the consequences, except Olivia," his voice cracked, and he covered it with a sigh, "She's gonna kill me, I know she will, if… "

"If she's alive."

"Fuck, Alex… why y-"

"You shut up and listen, Stabler." She stepped ahead, finding his eyes, "We both know the truth is her left leg is totally necrotic even under the strongest meds. That's why her kidneys were so infected to nearly collapse, and now it's her lungs. Ask yourself just how brave you are, to put her in the fight time and time again, and always bet she can win?"

He broke the eye contact, looking at the operation room.

"I bet you'd known what her leg would end up, before the infection spreading, Elliot. Cuz… cuz I knew it too, but it was just too hard to take..." She paused, "And now it's even harder… But Elliot, how about the justice Olivia deserves?"

He turned, looked into Alex's blue eyes.

And she continued, "She's a fighter, and she's been fighting the evil for all her life. I think you know it well enough, that she'll do everything to get the bastards who did this to her. She needs to see them getting punished, see it for herself." She took a breath, letting the words sink, "You know why she's still hanging? And don't you think that she deserves an opportunity to get help from her partner?"

"Stop stop, Alex… You're driving me crazy! Fuck, I… You think I don't… Tell you what, all this stuff have been running in my fucking head long enough to kill me! I just… How about, how about after this, she only wants her life back? Her normal life… And how about I make the wrong choice, and fail her, ruin h-"

"Detective Stabler!"

Suddenly, Sarah pushed out of the surgery room, leaving the door slamming behind.

"We're taking the bullet out, and resecting a small part of her left lung. Things gonna be fine. But,… Sir, this may be her best and the last chance. So if we don't do the amputation, I can't promise the next time…"

"What next time? Why don't you solve all the problems this time?" Elliot yelled.

Alex ignored him, gently pulling the shocking nurse turned. "Sarah, just tell us how bad the condition really is."

Sarah sighed, "If we don't do the amputation, there's no doubt the infection's gonna be worse." She paused, looking at Alex who was pressing her lips together. "You should do the right thing, before it too late."

"How much time do we have?" Alex asked.

"Well, no more than… " the nurse glanced at Elliot, "… he better sign the paper now."

Meanwhile, two brothers had just crawled out of their deepest hell.

"Ok, seems the wound is doing well." A young Asia guy smiled, taking off the gloves.

"When can I get rid of the fucking pain meds? … Make me feel like some dead snake." T Walker said, lying in the couch, carefully pulled his oversize pants back on.

Jason Walker gently fixed the cover for his brother, "Rest well, bite harder, Mr. 'snake'." But the word "bite" made him regret immediately.

The three men fell in silent two seconds.

"Well, I've gotta go. Where's my money?"

"You remind me some cheap hooker." Jason rolled his eyes, pulling out a bunch of money, throwing to him.

"But you love me, don't ya?" The doc smirked, "though, bet you don't want to see me again."

"Shut up and get out." T murmured, closing his eyes and frowned in pain.

"Dude," Jason called out in cold voice, "again, keep your mouth shut, or I'll pick up your baby girl from school."

"Sure," The skinny man nodded, "I'm professional, man, I know the rule… And," holding the door open, he locked his patient's eyes, "I know you're powerful, but, it's sort of my after service, you know…"

"Spit it out!"

"Revenge." The Asia man flinched, "If, if y-"

"GET OUT!" T yelled.

Jason closed the door after their doctor stumbled out. He came to the fridge, taking out two ice beer.

"Here," he opened one, handing another to him brother, "let's talk about the revenge."

Olivia squeezed eyes shut and attempted to turn her head, as feeling the bright morning light. But immediately, a sharp pain from the back of the head stopped her movement.

"Mmmm…" she moaned, but only made a soundless breath in her throat.

"Hey, morning."

Olivia reopened her eyes to the sweet female voice, seeing a figure stood beside, blocking the sunlight, which making this woman's face invisible.

Olivia blinked.

"Oh, that," the woman sounded like turned away. And soon, the light softened.

"Better?"

This time, Olivia saw the young nurse, brown hair, slender and pretty.

Didn't know how long this nurse had been taking care of her, but Olivia could tell, she was definitely not a newly patient here, not at all.

"Y-" The "yes" didn't come out, and Olivia realized something stuck in her throat.

Don't talk, Olivia, it's the oxygen tube." She held Olivia's hand. "Bet you hate it, don't you? So, let me take it out, ok? Your breath has been stabled since yesterday, so, don't worry."

Olivia blinked slowly.

"You understand me, Olivia? If you do, give a little squeeze on my hand." Sarah said hopefully.

She did it.

Sarah stunned, "Good, good Olivia! Wow… Ok, now, let's do it. It's not gonna hurt, I promise. You just breathe in, slowly, the slower the better, ok?"

And soon, the breath machine was removed.

Olivia breathed shallow, feeling her throat and chest hurt, but not that bad.

"You did fantastic, Olivia, but still, don't talk ok? I'll get your doctor here. Just a minute. Please keep awake for me, ok?"

Olivia squeezed her hand slightly, before Sarah made a bee line to Dr. Lee's office.

"Where's Dr. Lee, Brenda?" As Sarah rushed in, only saw another nurse there.

"No idea. He was just here a minute ago."

"Another surgery?"

"Nope, not until afternoon." The black nurse finally stopped typing, shooting over a concerned look. "Something emergency?"

"The good one. His patient woke up!"

"Which one?"

"That cop. Olivia."

"Olivia Benson?"

"Yes. And she's perfectly aware of what I said." Sarah widened eyes.

"Oh, my…" Brenda dropped her fat jaw, "wait here." With that, she rushed out as fast as she could.

Within a minute, as Sarah finished calling Elliot on the phone, she heard Brenda's voice came from the broadcast, looking for Dr. Lee.

Sarah let out a breath, gazing into the direction of Olivia's room, lost in thought.

When the injured cop first came, she was just a new patient. Honestly, all the nurses here didn't even expect she could survive. But now, after two weeks taking care of her, seeing her fighting… the name of "Olivia Benson" was not only a name anymore. It was a living life, a tough soul, and a beloved woman to her.

Sarah had learned not to be too close with the patients, emotionally and mentally, like all the old doctors and nurses did. But this time, she failed unawarely. Cuz in this patient, she kinda saw how strong a life could be.

A woman's life, a beautiful woman.

BANG!

Suddenly, sounded like something crashed down the hall.

"SOME BODY HELP!"

Rushing out, Sarah widened her eyes to see an old man holding the door of Olivia's room, yelling in panic.

_Shit!_


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

As Sarah getting back to Olivia's room, the old man's harping never stopped.

"I swear I saw him! It's a doctor, one of you guys! And he was touching his dick right in front of my eyes! I'm leaving this fucking hospital, and I'll sue your ass off!..."

Sarah barely heard what he was harping on, instead of checking up Olivia. And it eased her panic a little bit to see everything was just the same. Olivia only drifted in sleep.

"What's going on here?"

Sarah looked back, felt so released to see Dr. Lee came over. "I don't know, he was yelling, I rushed back, but seems Miss. Benson's fine. Oh, she was awake when I…"

"I know, I know, Brenda filled me in."

"Hey! I'm talking here, you little bastards!" the old man yelled again, with his hand banging on the door.

Lee turned to him, "Mr. Green, please, just a second."

After whispering some words to the nurse, he helped the old man out, came to the corner of the hall.

"Ok, sir, you said you saw everything?"

"Yes!" the skinny old man rolled eyes, "I was just walking by, taking a little peep through the window, and I saw a doctor doing, THAT." He lowered voice, slipping a trembling hand down between his thighs.

"Ok, ok," Lee pinched the bridge of his nose, frowned, "you sure it was a doctor?"

"I'm not that old! And he pushed me aside after I hit him with my coffee cup! Tell you what, I killed more than hundred people in Vietnam. Once a fighter, always a fighter, and he…"

"Uh, Mr. Green," Lee interrupted, "did you have a good look at him?"

"Of course I did! He's white, young, in his late thirtieth, uh… wearing white coat, taller than you, and…" he thought for a second, "… oh, brown hair!"

The doctor nodded, a little impressed. "Good, good. And, did he say anything?"

"No. I scared the shit out of him! He just ran away, like a shaky rat. And I have to say, this hospital sucks! Just what kind of craps working here? No offence."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. And I uh… have to thank you Mr. Green, you helped a lot. Thank you so much."

—

Instead of using the key, Elliot chose to knock.

And the door opened a little too soon.

"Hey, Kath."

In the dawn light of Christmas Eve, Elliot was suddenly there, face to face with his wife, pregnant wife. It felt both familiar and foreign.

"You're early." Kathy smiled, holding the door.

Everything inside the door, smelt like the old days. Elliot wondered whether he had the same smell on his own anymore. He robbed the slight uncomfortableness off his eyes, "Yeah, you too."

He walked in, put the gifts on the table. "How's the kids?"

"Still sleeping."

He nodded, heading to the coffee machine, poured each of them a cup.

Kathy followed up, cleared her throat. "Uh, how's Olivia?"

Elliot froze, before bring the cup to his mouth. "… better."

"That's good… great."

Elliot breathed a heavy sigh. "Thought you've paid a little visit to her."

"I have a bunch of kids to mind, and…"

"Ok, I know… it's Christmas, so," he cut her off, "Can we just pretend everything's fine and put on a sweet show, for the kids' sake."

"So, you come to be an actor rather than a father?" she raised voice.

Elliot scanned her eyes for a moment, before put down the mug. "What do you expect me to, Kathy? I've slept in the precinct for God knows how long, feeding myself coffee and… coffee, let alone Oliv-" he bit the rest words down, turning to the fridge.

"I… I don't want to fight, Elliot." The blond sighed.

"Me neither. And…" Elliot stunned, holding the fridge door open, eyes sticking on a cup cake, which had a couple of old little puppets sitting on it.

The moment he saw this, it felt like being kicked hard in the chest all of a sudden, making his heartbeat almost stop.

The two little carved wood toys, a boy, a girl, were holding hands and smiling.

"Damn, that's not supposed to show up so early. You still remember them, huh?"

Elliot didn't move an inch.

Yeah, there was no way he'd forget this toy. Cuz he made it, he made it with the old Swiss Army Knife his father gave him as the birthday present when he was eighteen. And he remembered what he said as he holding it in hand, proposing to her.

…

_-"So, Stabler, you just propose to me with two__ wooden babies?"_

_-"Yes, and no."_

_She raised an eyebrow._

_-"Open it." He grinned._

_-"Open? Where…"_

_He opened the small pedestal of the toy, taking out a silver ring. _

_-"Kath, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."_

…

"I really don't have any new idea about the present." Kathy got closer, dragging his mind back, "So I, uh, I'm not sure if it's appropriate, I just… think you maybe miss this thing, too, you know, as the time we saying goodbye."

Elliot forced himself to close the fridge, blocking the little thing out of his view.

He couldn't know any better about what she was doing. But damn, she did well. Cuz deep inside, his heart was melting.

As the moment he turning to meet his wife's eyes, Elliot felt a physical pain in the chest.

Just a turning, and the woman standing in front of him, was no longer a maid anymore.

Kathy escaped his gaze first. "Forget it. Let's, uh… why don't you take a shower before see the kids?"

"Yeah, ok." Elliot said, stayed still, watching Kathy turned to wipe counter, wash mugs…

Something hurt.

There was a second, he doubted if he was still in love with her, but the next second, he started to doubt LOVE itself. Exactly what love was? As half of his life passed, love for him, was no longer some dramatic romances, moving vows or tears after fighting… He imagined holding her hand, wondering if he'd feel anything at all.

The answer was NO. Touching her hand, definitely felt like touching his own.

Did this mean this love died?

Then why he felt the same pain immediately as picturing her hand got hurt?

—

Holding Elliot's cell phone, Kathy couldn't help but look back and forth between the bathroom and the caller ID.

It was the hospital.

Damn, she cursed. No matter good or bad it was, she knew their Christmas might be done.

"Hello?... Uh, I'm sorry, he's not here now. I'm his wife, so if you'd like to leave a message?... Oh… wow, that's fantastic! … yeah, yeah, I will… ok, bye."

Hung up the phone, Kathy hesitated a moment, but still, letting her thumb slid up and down the phone screen, deleted the call record, and turned off the phone.

—

Sinking in the chair, Alex Cabot had been gazing at the sleeping Olivia for nearly an hour. After got the call from Sarah, she dragged herself out of the bed, came to the ICU as soon as possible.

She was terrified, going through thousand of what-ifs in her mind. And this fear didn't get any better after seeing the alert officers guarding outside Olivia's room.

But also, Alex was thrilled. After replaying what the doctor said "once Olivia regains conscious, everything's heading upwards" over and over again in her mind, days and nights, things happened now felt like all her helpless prays finally got heard.

Olivia moaned slightly, kicking the blond out of her thought.

"Liv?"

The detective didn't respond, though she slept not so steadily. She frowned, breathing shortly and fast as if in pain.

"Olivia?"

This time she stirred.

"Morning, sleepy head."

The moment their eyes meeting, Olivia's expression eased, forcing a weary smile to the eyes reddened woman beside her.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm so glad to see your eyes again…" Alex's chin trembled, "you scared the hell out of me, you know that?"

Olivia slowly reached her hand out, "… uh, eemmm,.."

Alex caught her hand, leaning forward. "Easy, honey. You must be thirsty."

Olivia nodded slightly, licking her lips.

Alex grabbed a cup of water from the bedstand and put a straw in. "Just a little bit, ok? Or the doctor's gonna kill me."

As Alex setting the straw to her mouth, Olivia took a tiny sip and swallowed. "Wooom, emm…." Her lips moved, chest rising and falling with every shallow breath, as if struggled for speaking. But nothing came out except the moan-like sound.

"Slow down, honey. You want something?" Alex could feel the squeeze came from Olivia's cold hand. "are you in pain? Calm down, Liv…"

But Olivia seemed didn't hear her at all. Her eyes widened in panic, mouth opened and closed, making the nonsense syllables louder and louder.

Alex's throat got dry as her heart tightened. She had no idea what just happened, or what was she gonna do.

"Olivia, relax, relax, I'm getting the doc here. Hold a sec." Alex smoothed the back of Olivia's hand, yelling over her shoulder. "Doctor! Somebody get the doctor here!"

Within a minute, Dr. Lee rushed in.

"What's wrong?" he asked, pulling out the flashlight and coming to his patient.

"I don't know. Seems she wants to say something, but she just… can't make it out. I think." Alex answered out of breath, still holding Olivia's hand which obviously refused to let go.

"Ok, looks like… " Lee slid the flashlight back in his pocket after checking Olivia's pupils, "… she's suffering a panic attack or something… mental." He said, peeping across all the machines around.

"Detective Benson, look at me. Can you hear me?" Lee asked softly and slowly.

"UUUUhhh, mmm…" still grasping Alex's hand, Olivia nodded and blinked at the same time.

"Good! You're doing great. And do you know where you are?"

She nodded again, gasping painfully, while the tears sliding down both of her temples.

"Okay, okay. Just calm down, detective." Lee changed a worried look with the counselor, before turn back to his patient, "you need to breathe a little slowly, ok?... Great, just like this… And, listen up." he paused, looking deeply into Olivia's terrified eyes, "You just had a series major operations, even the craniotomy. So, you'd know, some sequelae are foregone conclusions, include… aphasia." He paused a second, letting his words sink, "Olivia, you have already created miracles. For all these years in my career, you're the strongest people I've ever met."

Here it came.

There was a long moment nobody made any sound.

Alex bit the inside of her quivery lip hard, forcing down the threatened tears, carefully observed every tiny change on Olivia's face.

Unexpectedly, the detective didn't freak out, not even broke down. Instead, she was just staring at the doctor, till he cast his eyes down. And a brief smile crossed the corner of her mouth, as if she laughed at some ridiculous conclusion.

Released Alex's hand, Olivia closed her eyes, frowned tightly, and her trembling lips moved.

"Olivia, don't push yourself too hard. It could be temporary and y-"

He bit of the rest words, shot a look to his hand on the bedside. Olivia's hand grasped his wrist, and her fingernails felt like digging into his flesh.

Looked up, Lee read a loud and clear "shut up" in Olivia's glaring.

The vein on her forehead stood out, her chest rose and fell, even her entire body shook slightly. Though, no actual word came out.

Olivia coughed, the stab pain making her hand jerk back to cover the wound on her chest.

"Ok, ok, breathe, breathe, Olivia. Don't do this ever again!" The doctor immediately dragged the oxygen mask over and covered it on her face, "The aphasia is causing by the trauma on the brain, for God's sake. It's not something you can solve by force. You hear me? So don't try to do my job here, ok? Let me fix you, and I'll do my best. I promise. Even if I'm not that good, there were still so many doctors out there, to help you. Everything's gonna be fine. Just keep your faith and never give up, will you?"

He wanted to add something, only didn't, for watching the silent tears finally streaming down Olivia's face while she turned to hide it .

Alex sniffled, and pulled the elbow of the doc, leading him out.

Closed the door behind, the counselor cleared her throat a little.

"So," she took off her glasses, forcing her voice back to normal, "what now?"

Dr. Lee was still peeping through the tiny window of the door, "Honestly, I'd say it was so much better than my expectation."

"Yeah? Maybe she should appreciate it?"

"No, no, I'm not, I…"

"Doc, I apology. I was… " Alex chocked in tears again, shaking her head in guilty.

"Miss. Cabot," Lee put a hand on her arm, giving her a gentle squeeze, "I know how hard it is. But, still, I have to tell you, it's just a beginning of a long road. You know?"

Alex took a deep breath, nodded.

"Not only this… soon, she's gonna suffer the huge pain as the anesthesia passed. And… I'm afraid I can't give her much pain killer."

Alex's jaw dropped, "What? Why?"

"Due to the brain trauma. She just came out of the coma, so her brain needs every necessary irritators, to increase the brain cell metabolism. On the other hand, in this circumstance, anesthesia is definitely risky for her."

"But can we just give her something not that strong? Like something affects local?"

"Strong or not, it won't help at all for this level of pain, only brings the drug addiction."

Alex scanned the doc's eyes, and let out the words echoing in her mind. "Why? What, level of pain?"

"Majorly, the pain will come from her limbless leg. It called the PLP, which appears in over 80% of amputees."

"Wait wait, what… 'PLP'?"

"'Phantom Limb Pain'. It's still a thorny medical problem in the world. Homan's body is complicated. After the amputation, our brain still considers the limb exists, and feels the pains. So, physically, it has something to do with the 'cortical reorganization' of the brain. And also, mentally, the amputees can't accept what happened on them, might be part of the causes. In addition, this kind of pain signal is emitted directly by the brain, after a series disturbances and reorganizations of the system. So, up till now, there isn't any effective therapy or medicine can be applied safely to clinical. I'm so sorry."

Alex waited a long moment to finally nod, pressing her lips tightly together before heard her voice cracked. "Just... it's temporary, isn't it?"

"Yes, it will pass. Some PLP only lasts only one year, some several years."

"Okay..." Alex breathed, leaning against the doorframe. "God, I totally have no idea how to help her." As the words coming out, the hot tears rushed down her face. And the blond covered her mouth immediately, didn't want her sobbing got heard by Olivia.

Alex cried quietly, so quietly, that she nearly suffocated herself. Though she knew the doc was saying something smooth, she saw the golden light of Christmas Eve pouring upon both of them... she just didn't felt any of it, except the tearing pain in her heart.

—

After splashing some cold water on her face, Alex pulled herself together.

"_It was Christmas Eve for God's sake, also the first day she out of the wood. And if someone had the right to be vulnerable, that definitely wouldn't be you." _The counselor said to herself in the mirror. And damn, she hated seeing the weak and broken all over her face, reminding her someone lost families, or lover...

Lover.

The words hit her hard.

Alex froze.

"Miss? Are you ok?"

The blond jumped with the sudden touch on her elbow. Looking over, she saw a brown hair cleaning lady, who was scanning her up and down.

Somehow, she reminded her Olivia.

"Uh, yeah, yeah." Alex took a step back, feeling embarrassed.

"You gonna turn off the tap or not?"

And now Alex found the water had nearly overflowed the sink.

"Wow!" she turned off the water, jumping backward, "Jesus... I'm so sorry, I was... uh, lost in thought..."

"Don't apologize to Jesus, I am the one the clean your mess, lady... Hey!" The cleaner complained, only seeing Alex ducking out of the restroom.

_God, how can __I leave her alone for so damn long! Fuck._

"Olivia." As soon as the Alex running back, she made a bee line to the brunette and covered her hand on hers.

Obviously, Olivia was in pain. Her face was pale, covered with cold sweat. And her mouth opened a little, breathing shallowly.

Hearing her name, Olivia opened eyes slowly and turned to meet these blue eyes.

"I know you're in pain, I know," Alex rubbed the back of her hand gently, "and I'll be here with you, till all the pain is gone, ok? I promise, you won't go through this alone, sweetheart, I promise."

Olivia moved her mouth, eyes gazing straightly at her.

"You wanna say something?"

She blinked slowed.

Alex thought for a second, before grabbed her purse, digging out a small note and a pen.

"Here you go." She put the pen in Olivia's hand, and set the note under. "Can you hold the pen on your own?"

Olivia nodded wearily, as Alex let go of her hand.

The pen almost dropped from her trembling hand.

"Easy, sweetheart," Alex reset it, pressing a tender kiss on the brunette's hand, "maybe one word is enough. I'll figure out what you want."

There.

Under the shaky pen-point, only two crooked letters appeared:

"EL."

E.

L.

Two innocent letters.

Still keeping smile on her face, Alex pretended the sting in the heart didn't exist.

—

(Thanks for every review! You guys encourage me so damn much. You're the reason I keep writing. 

So, please review, tell me what you feel. Thanks again. ~x:) 


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER ****10**

"Leave, dammit!"

Captain Cragen yelled to whomever knocking the door, kept hiding himself in the office.

He knew what they wanted, only there was no way he could give.

How could he do this to the best female detective he'd worked with for 11 years? He loved her, loved her like a daughter, like one of his family. Cuz for all these years, as the supervisor, he'd been seeing her brilliance, her toughness, and her dedications which even most of the guys could barely do... But as a friend, he knew how hard her life truly was.

However, Cragen found he was glancing at the phone, again.

God, how he wished she hadn't been back to conscious at all. So he didn't need to be such an ass, forcing her to relive everything all over again.

But on the over hand, he knew they needed the statement from her, so did her.

_Jesus…_

Cragen massaged the back of his neck, suddenly felt old.

He asked himself again, whether he'd act so unprofessional if the victim was not Olivia.

"Captain," Munch pushed the door open, cut Cragen's thought off.

The old captain was about to snap, but quickly felt something must be wrong from Munch's face.

"You really need to see this."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Kathy? It's me, Alex." Hearing Kathy's voice, Alex cursed silently. Good for you, Stabler, shut the cell phone and didn't answer your homephone.<p>

"_Oh, hi. H__ow are you, Alex?" _

"Is Elliot there?" It sounded rude, she knew.

"_He's... out, shopping." _

Alex rolled eyes, "Fine. When he'll be back?"

These were a short pause, before Kathy turning annoyed.

"_No idea__, counselor. May I ask what it is about? Anything urgent?"_

"Yes, it is." Taking a breath, Alex forced her clenching teeth to ease, "Olivia is conscious. But she's… a little aphemic, in pain... And she's been asking for him."

"_Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, Alex. But, seriously, I don't think there's anything he can do for help if he's there. He's not the doctor."_

"He's her partner, Kathy! How can you say that? If Olivia didn't take the bullet for you, it would be YOU lying in the hospital!"

"_Oh, really? Do you know how I involved in these shit, and almost got the baby and myself killed? It is HER!"_

Alex's rage exploded, "What? So you're accusing h-"

"Hey, Miss!" A doctor calling out from the nurse counter, index finger pointed at the "Quiet" sign on the wall.

Mouthed a "sorry" back, Alex blowing out a long breath, lowered her voice down, "Listen, Kathy, I don't call to churn up the crap with you. Just get Elliot come to the hospital quickly, ok?"

"_It's Christmas for God's sake! __Can't his office-wife live without him for at least one or two days?Elliot wants and he needs to be home with his wife and kids!"_

"Is it HIM or YOU the one to make decision?"Alex raised voice again before she knew it.

"_C'mon... The legs are on him! He told me as soon as he walking in the house this morning, that he wouldn't be anywhere but home today!"_

Alex got silent for a moment, "That's why he turned off the cell phone in Christmas?"

"_You tell me!"_

Fuck!

Alex hung up the phone roughly, fighting the urge of crashing it against the wall. And as turning back to the tiny window of the door, she met Olivia's eyes.

These brown eyes were unreadable, and her steady gaze did not waver.

_Shit__!_

_Oh, shit..._

Eventually, Alex was the one who escaped away first. She quickly took a step aside, hiding herself behind the wall, and thinking.

_Great… She knows. So__, maybe I don't need to crawled in and throw this crap to her face, do I?_

Alex closed her eyes, with her mind in a whirl.

"Ma'am?"

The guard officer approached quietly.

Alex pushed herself off the wall dumbly. "Yeah?"

"I know it's not the right time, but uh," he was rubbing his cellphone with thumb, "I just got the call from your captain. Something you should know."

Scanning his serious face, Alex's heart tightened.

"Over there." She led him walking away, "We gotta keep our voices down. She's awake."

"Ok." The young officer cleared his throat, seemed a little uncomfortable. "We got a video from internet just now."

"Video?" She held her breath.

"Video of detective Benson was... That son of a bitch recorded the process of, of,"

"Stop! I know." Alex's stomach turned. She breathed a deep breath in, attempting to calm the sudden sickness. But too late. Before breathing out, she already puked.

"Ma'am, are you alright?"

Alex couldn't answer him. With hand on the wall, she heaved and heaved, till nothing came out.

"Where's the doctor! We need help h-"

The blond dragged his coat to shut him up, "No," she shook her head, "I'm… fine… W-What they want?" the counselor's voice was low.

"No more 'they'. T Walker was dead."

She looked up.

"Yes. According to Captain Cragen, Jason hinted it in the video. That's why he put this video in public."

Alex paused a little while, "Has the police done something to stop the spread?"

"They're all over this, trust me. But, you know how things like this on internet…"

Holding her stomach, Alex felt sick again. "So, now it's about the revenge."

"I'm afraid so. Your captain said to keep it from Detective Benson, and… uh,"

She found his eyes, "And what?"

"The Feds took this case over. So," he broke eye contact, "they'll be here soon, to get the statement from her."

The blond closed her eyes for a long moment, breathed in and out.

"Okay… Thank you." She finally said, before turned around and walked away.

"Be careful, counselor." The young cop murmured to Alex's receding figure.

* * *

><p>Lunch time passed.<p>

Dusk was falling.

Nurse Sarah had come over twice, adding some drug in the IV to cool down Olivia's fever. And Lee showed up once, told Olivia they couldn't use pain killer on her. Even with that, the brunette hadn't flinched a little, acting like she didn't care at all.

She just faked asleep, leaving the pen and note lying by the side of her hand untouched.

However, Alex was clear that the brunette hadn't slept at all. She tried several times to talk to her, but nothing came back.

As night approaching, her pain seemed got worse. The brunette couldn't help but started to grasp the sheet from time to time, till her strength burned out.

"Liv," Alex caught Olivia's trembling wrist, "the narcotic is fading, isn't it?… Is there anything I can do? It's… Olivia, look at me, please, tell me where it hurts."

The brunette opened her eyes slowly, didn't move.

"I know," Alex whispered, "maybe… I'm not the one you wanna talk to, but, uh…"

The elder woman struggled to turn, finally meeting these blue eyes.

"I just... " Alex only held the eyes contact for a second, before turned away, "It's killing me to see you like this…"

There.

She felt Olivia's fingers moved, picking up the pen.

-"Dont Al. hurt". She wrote with the stumbled hand.

It made Alex suddenly feel stupid and selfish to care her own feeling in this circumstance. "Sweetheart, I know you're in terrible pain, but…"

She bit off the rest words as Olivia catching her attention, added more words on the paper:

-"Christms?"

"Yeah, sweetheart, it's Christmas Eve tonight." Alex smiled.

Olivia closed her eyes.

"You're calculating, aren't you? 9 days, you've been in coma for 9 days, honey, and scared everyone to death."

The detective shot her eyes open in shock. But soon, a slight sorrow crossed her face.

Alex kicked herself mentally. Why mentioned "everyone"?

"Oh, here. Merry Christmas, Liv." Alex grinned, digging something out from her pocket and holding it tightly in one of her hand. "Bet you'll be happy to see this."

As her palm opening, the old golden necklace showed.

"Fearlessness," Alex read the pendant, before leaned forward, putting it around Olivia's neck. "only you deserve this."

Olivia shook her head, tearing up.

"Yes, you are. Honey, you have no idea h-"

The brunette gave a little squeezed on Alex's hand, before found the pen, drew down:

-"I want see."

"See what?" Alex's throat got dry, as watching these brown eyes looking down her body under the covers.

"Liv, the pain's gonna pass, yo-"

Pen dropped, Olivia's hand grabbing the covers.

"Olivia!" Alex caught her wrist fast, "You're tearing the wound!"

The elder woman glared at her, with suspiciousness, angst and stubbornness filling in these widened eyes.

Alex felt like being burn through and through. Thousand questions flying across her mind.

Just how much she remembered? Alex wondered. And suddenly the guilty feeling overwhelmed every cell of her being. She knew she didn't have any right to stop her, to keep her from the truth of what happened on her body. It was only matter of time.

Eventually, Alex looked down and let go of her hand.

Immediately, the brunette threw the covers off with a painful moan.

The air flowed across Alex's cheek.

For a really long moment, the entire world felt like frozen. Nobody moved, breathed or blinked.

Until Olivia's cold, sweaty hand grasped the blond's wrist.

Alex's eyes looked at everywhere but Olivia. She was chocking, chocking in panic, guilty and sorrow, feeling Olivia's finger nails digging into her skin.

Soon, Olivia withdrew her hand, groped for the pen.

Alex stole a peep over, seeing the penpoint jobbing hard into the paper, writing something she could barely identify:

-"Why. Who?"

The blond swallowed dryly, catching the brunette's trembling hand, "Olivia... I don't know how much you remember, but... You leg was too damaged, and we had no choice," the moment she met Olivia's watering eyes, her own tears poured down too.

Olivia slapped her hand off, continued carving into the paper.

-"WHO?"

The elder woman gasped, slamming the note on the bed.

Alex pressed her quiver lips together, making every effort to bite down the sobs in her throat. She felt guilty, so damn guilty, that she just wished the ground could open up and swallow her.

"It's me. I... made the decision." She breathed, finally meeting these teary brown eyes.

Olivia's body was shaking, while her eyes reddened in rage and hate and disbelieve. But she didn't let out a cry, not even a single sob. She was just glaring at the woman standing beside in silent, shook her head slightly.

After a long while, the brunette thrust her note into Alex's hand.

It read:

-"OUT. Dont want see u."

"Liv, I'm so sorry..."

The brunette turned away, leaving Alex standing there in tears.

* * *

><p>Midnight coming, and it started to snow again.<p>

Except for the on duty nurses walked through the hall every once in a long while, this tiny hospital totally fell in peace. It was so peace, that Alex could clearly hear kids' snow-fight giggling, the Christmas songs from someone's TV, and the wind knocking on the windows from time to time.

But all of these, seemed had nothing to do with this isolated building. Alex felt like being trapped, trapped in some endless torture nightmare.

_God, does the morning light ever comes? _

Sitting on the ground, leaning against the doorframe of Olivia's room, Alex had been weltering in tears for hours, drown in the painful moans of coming from the other side of the door.

She'd busted in twice, tried to at least hold her, to wipe the sweat on her face, or simply be there with her... but every time ended up being kicked out with the brunette's glaring and rage.

But Alex had nowhere to go.

She couldn't leave, couldn't stay, couldn't even drag her heavy body one step away from this room. So, before she knew it, she had been sank to the ground, sit curled up beside the door, burying her face between her knees.

She had to be with Olivia, she must, in this freezing Christmas.

* * *

><p>Elliot Stabler woke up from a nightmare.<p>

In his dream, he found Olivia's lifeless body lying on the snowfield, only this time, she was not breathing.

Throwing off the blanket, Elliot sat cross-legged on the bed, calming his hollow breath. Yes, he knew it was just a dream, but still, his heart ached like hell.

Took a glance at the pregnant woman sleeping beside him, Elliot suddenly felt so much like an outsider under this roof. It was clear that his mind never left the woman lying in the hospital, no matter how desperately he forced himself to focus on his families.

"Jesus, Stabler…" Kathy murmured, turned over to face him.

Elliot sighed, "Sorry... I wake up pretty early recently."

"Bull! You've been tossed and turned for... Damn, really, Elliot? The first night you sleep at home and you're thinking about another woman all the time?"

"Kath, please... " He got out of the bed, reaching for his cloth. "I... I can't, I... I gotta go to the hospital and I'll be back before the kids up."

"You what?" Kathy sat up.

"I really have to check on her. It won't be long, ok?"

"You're out of your mind? It's, what," she turned on the lamp, "... 3 a.m. in the fucking Christmas morning and you're driving two hours away to see your fu-"

"Kathy!" Elliot almost yelled, shooing a warning glare over.

She shut up, nodding her head slightly, "Fine. But what if you come and she was sleeping?"

"Then, I'll just take a look through the window and come back." Elliot said, zipping up his pants, walking out.

"She is THAT important to you, isn't she?"

Elliot ignored her, grabbing his keys, got out.

* * *

><p>Killed the engine, shut the headlight, Elliot found out in surprise that the day was already dawning.<p>

He was still thinking about why the hell his cellphone turned off with its battery still full. He knew he didn't touch it. Then why?

Though, he refused to let his mind go some place.

Yes, his wife might be jealous and annoying, but no, he never believed Kathy, the mother of his children, could be this awful.

Maybe the kids toughed it, or accidentally it fell?

God, something must happen during this. He knew. Otherwise, Alex wouldn't leave 3 voice mails to ask him come ASAP. Three fucking voicemails, for God's sake. But why the hell she didn't try his homephone, if it was that urgent?

But what if something bad really happened? Happened long before he had the chance to...

Elliot unlocked the belt and got out of his car immediately, before driving himself crazy. Now, seeing Olivia right with his own eyes, was the only thing mattered.

As soon as identified that was Alex Cabot sitting on the ground, Elliot felt his heart tightened.

"Alex!" He quickened his steps over, "what are you doing here? How's Olivia?" he asked in shock, looking back and forth between the blond and the window above her. Inside the room, the blinds were pulled down, but due to the lamp, he could see Olivia lying there. That calmed him a little bit.

Alex looked up, with these blood red eyes, "You..." her anger raised up, but fading almost at the same time. "You just get in. She's been asking for you... and... never mind."

Elliot's mouth was still half opened, "wha- why you sit here and..."

"Just get your ass in, Stabler! I'll fill you in later."

Elliot scanned her confusedly, pushing the door open.

"Oh," the counselor caught his leg, "before you see her... she's... she can't speak. You know that, right?"

Elliot watched her face, "'can't speak'? What does it mean?"

Alex narrowed her eyes, "You don't know?"

"Know what?"

Alex leaned her head back, blew out a long breath. "Can't believe it... "

"Tell me, Alex! You scared me."

Alex got on her feet, quietly pulling the door closed. "I don't even know it was because you care about too little or you just married one hell of a wife!" her voice was low but harsh.

"Don't you accuse me not care about my partn-"

"Keep your fucking voice down and listen up," Alex clenched her teeth, "I called you thousand times, but your fucking cellphone went straight to the damn voicemail. So I called your house, told Kathy everything!... Oh, no, don't tell me she didn't tell you."

Elliot stunned.

"Great..." Alex ran her fingers through her hair.

The detective swallowed hard, "tell me now."

"She, gained conscious yesterday, but seems she's... aphonic. And, she knows about her leg..." Alex's already hoarse voice cracked, "She... I know, I know she hates me, Elliot,"

"No, no she doesn't..." Elliot put a hand on her arm, sort of got the reason why the counselor stayed outside.

"You don't know how horrible pain she's been suffered during the whole night. I've been hearing her moaning, coughing... God... she'd rather go through this all alone, than let me be there with her..." Alex covered her mouth and walked away.

"Give her time, Alex."

"Go… She needs you." Alex said with her back to him, wiping her tears away.

* * *

><p>As soon as Elliot getting in the room, he stunned there. Only two days, he couldn't believe she had been lost so much weight.<p>

His partner seemed so small under the covers.

She closed eyes tightly, while the sweat all over her face, damping the edge of the bandage on her forehead.

Sensing his approaching, Olivia cracked her eyes open.

The moment their eyes met, Elliot saw a series of emotions flashed across these brown eyes, surprising, glad, incredulous, resentful, pained...

Suddenly, tears burst down her cheeks.

He bended over and hugged her carefully, "Liv, I'm so sorry... So sorry..." Her entire body was shaking in silent, tearing his heart apart. "I didn't know, I... God, I'm such an ass..."

After a long while, she leaned back, hands searching for the pen on the sheet.

"What?" and he saw her hand.

-"Im ok. Hows K? baby?"

Elliot scanned her face, "Liv, how much do you remember?"

The brunette looked down, pushing her note closer to him, asked again by her eyes.

"They're great, you saved them, remember?"

She let out a breath, seemed tired and released.

"Thanks, partner, I have to say." Elliot whispered, taking her hand in his.

But she withdrew, refused to meet his face.

-"OUT."

The three letters showed slowly under her pen.

"Olivia... don't. I just wanna be here with you."

She turned her head away, forcing the lump in her throat down.

* * *

><p><em><strong>-One minute before-<strong>_

Alex came back from the restroom, catching Sarah was about to knock Olivia's door.

"Sarah, wait!" she called out, stopped her. "Sorry. But I think they might need a little time."

"Oh, that. Sure. I, uh..."

"Something emergent?"

"No, no, not at all. It's... well, actually, I think I'd better let you know first."

Her face was unreadable, making Alex nervous. "Ok. what is it?"

Sarah lowered her voice, "Olivia is pregnant."

Alex felt her whole body frozen up.

"No way… H-How could she get pregnant in these serious injuries? And why the hel-, wait. I remember you gave her the after pill, didn't you?"

"Yes, she did take the pill, let alone in this level of trauma, the possibility of pregnancy is no more than 5%. But, still, nothing is absolute, you know... I'm sorry."

Alex opened her mouth several times, only no word came out.

Subconsciously, she turned her head to the tiny window of the door, catching Olivia's tears rolled down her cheek as she looking away from her partner.

* * *

><p><em><strong>P<strong>__**lease please please review, dear readers. I'm longing for what you think. **_

_**And I'll update soon:)**_


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

**_-Continued from the ending of last Chapter-_**

...

-"OUT."

The three letters showed slowly under her pen.

"Olivia... don't. I just wanna be here with you."

But she only turned away, forcing the lump in her throat down.

"Please, Liv, I know I... let you down... " hesitantly, Elliot touched one of her fingers, "it's all my fault... All of these… If I could turn back the clock, I'd like to... "

_You'd like to do what? _

"I'd rather to die first, than see you hurt like this."

Olivia's heart shrank with a sting.

_Really, Elliot?_ _Really..?_

She was pissed, she knew it. But as the warmth coming from his squeezing hand, her chin quivered anyway.

"Recently, I've been thinking about retiring." He rubbed the back of her hand thoughtfully, "What kind of cop am I? I can't even protect my partner... I... keep thinking about so many moments between us, you know, in all these years, good time, bad time... " he took a breath, "you know what I found out? The day when lying in the crib, watching the dawn came, I suddenly realized... that you've been sort of fused into my life, my soul. I can't live without you, Liv, just like I can't be alive with my heart removed-"

_Stop_.

Olivia shot her watered eyes open.

…

His cellphone rang.

She withdrew her hand almost the same time, recognizing the special ring.

Elliot didn't move, still eyeing her, till Olivia turned her face away.

"Yeah," he finally answered with a sigh, ducking out the door.

Olivia flinched as the door shut, immediately feeling a horrible emptiness. Though his voice, his words... were still echoing back and forth among the walls.

Also, his warmth on her hand hadn't been faded.

Yes, his warmth... Only, the familiarization of him was barely there.

She doubted she ever knew this guy at all, or she just never knew herself instead? Or, both of them had changed.

_People change. _

Thinking about this, Olivia held her breath.

_You're not the same old you anymore, remember? _

"Liv," Elliot went back in, hand on the door knob. "I'm sorry... Kathy is... " He rubbed his eyes in guilty, showed the ring wearing on his finger. "She fell, and I'm afraid something might happen to the baby... Damn."

Olivia looked away from that stinging shining thing immediately, as if being burned.

_Go. _

"I'll come to see you soon, Liv, I promise."

Olivia closed her eyes, hearing him turned around and out.

Now, she let the tears fall.

* * *

><p>"Liv? … Olivia?"<p>

Hearing her own name, the brunette stirred, realized surprisingly that she actually slept.

"I'm so glad you finally had a little rest. That's what your body needs most."

Opening her sleepy eyes, Olivia managed a tired smile to her nurse. That was when she caught Alex's unsure eyes.

Alex stood uneasily beside Sarah. Her baby blue eyes were bloodshot, but still tender and concerned, flashed in guilt.

"Yes, her soulful puppy eyes really got me, too, Olivia." Sarah said playfully, taking a look at the blond standing beside.

Alex flushed, and turned pale right away as seeing Olivia's smile freezing and fading.

The brunette looked away.

"I, uh," Alex cleaned her throat nervously, "... Sarah said she gonna change your bandages, and it might be... tough. So I... think maybe you need someone to be here, with you."

Olivia just slowly closed her eyes.

"Okay... Let's just get it straight, Liv. I know you don't want to see me. Yes, you have every right to be angry, to..." she stopped, catching Olivia's hand tore the front paper off the note, grabbed her pen.

_-Out._

Alex nodded slightly, "Good. You know what? I hate myself too. But at that moment, I didn't have any other choice at all!"

Olivia slammed her palm on the bed angrily.

_-u couldve waited me to wk up! WHY!_

"You were dying, Olivia!" Sarah said before the blond, "Your injurers were bad, really bad... we almost..."

"Sarah," Alex cut her off, "Liv... You don't know how difficult it was, for me..."

"Yes," the nurse continued, "Detective Stabler and Alex talked about it thousand times. There were several times, he almost signed the paper, but changed his mind in the last minute. However, your leg was too damaged to keep. The frostbite had caused tissue necrosis, brought serious infections and the multiple organ failure... I don't know how much you remembered... Anyway, literally, you would die soon, without the amputation."

Olivia held her breath feeling her throat tightened.

Alex walked closer, gently wiped the tears off Olivia's face, while letting her own fall. "Olivia, I just wanted you to survive..."

The brunette simply lifted the note up. It read,

_-wht if I dont?_

Everyone stilled.

Alex brushed Olivia's hand away. "Dammit, Olivia! How could you say this? You really think you-"

Olivia grasped the blond's hand, cutting her off.

"No! You listen to me," Alex dragged Olivia's hand down, "since the day you were took, I, we, never had a peace moment. The entire team had spent every second on your case, till got you back. And Elliot. You noticed how much weight he'd lost? And... me... That day in your bedroom, found those bruises on your body, I... " she held her breath, forcing down the trembles in her voice, "... It worried me to death, let alone... Do you have any idea what the hell the days like during you were kidnapped? How many times I forced myself to be prepared of losing you? And as the moment I finally saw you breathing in front of me, I swore... I won't lose you ever again."

They scanned each other, both tearing and shaking. Only, Olivia's eyes were cold.

_-so its all up to u, right? _She wrote with all her strength, causing the penpoint jabbing into the paper.

"Hell, YES! Maybe I'm a selfish bitch, bu-"

Suddenly, Olivia yelled out.

It was obvious, that her hand was way too slow than her mind. She was roughly jobbing, sliding the paper with her shaking hand, but just couldn't write any faster.

All of a sudden, the brunette stabbed the pen downwards as hard as she could.

A sharp pain shot through Alex's hand.

"Olivia!" Sarah caught Olivia's wrist immediately. Though, it was too late. The pen had thrust through Alex's palm.

Alex pressed her lips tightly together, staring at her bloody hand, didn't make any sound.

"Auummm sssssooomm..."

Raising her head, the blond met Olivia's startled face.

"It's nothing, I'm, I'm fine," Alex kneed down, hiding her injured hand under the bed.

Olivia coughed, after attempting to lean up, and her voice cracked.

"SShhhh, silly, I know, I know... You didn't mean it, right? Neither did I, honey... Neither did I... I'd like to do anything, everything, if that can keep you from all these pains, tortures... God, it killed me, killed me... Olivia, though… I know you won't really forgive me, you can't, I know... How could you forgive someone did this to you..." Alex choked, feeling Olivia's shaking fingers wiping the tears off her face.

_You're not "someone", Alex. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... _

* * *

><p>When Alex walking back into the room followed by the nurse, Olivia noticed her hand had been bandaged up.<p>

"You didn't slip out and peep on me, did you?" The blond joked, coming to the bedside.

Olivia didn't smile at all, eyes never left that injured hand. And as Alex approaching, she carefully touched the edge of her palm.

"Doesn't hurt at all, believe it or not." The counselor squeezed Olivia's fingers softly, "Ok..., it did hurt a little, honestly. But now I'm fine. Your nurse is good."

Slowly, Olivia met these blue eyes.

"Honey, it's not your fault. Don't be so guilty." Alex brushed tenderly across the brunette's cheek with the back of her hand. "Actually, I feel grateful you let me be here with you. You know that?"

She scanned her eyes.

"Because, it means a lot to me. Because..." the blond looked away, paused for a while, "basically I never felt so helpless in my life. There are thousand things I wish I can do for you, only... none of these is I capable of. But," she cracked a smile, "I keep telling myself, that all the pains, sorrows are temporary, and you gonna beat it. You're not alone, honey. You have no idea how much I was longing, dying for being part of this fight. So," the blond breathed, "thank you... I mean, I really need to be here. It might be the only thing I can do."

Olivia smiled, while the tear drops rolling down as well.

"Counselor?" Sarah handed her gloves and a respirator, "put these on, if you wanna be here while I change her bandages."

"Sure."

* * *

><p>As the torture-like bandage change started, the two women had been holding their hands all the time.<p>

Leaning against Alex, Olivia hadn't made any sound nor opened her eyes.

But Alex could tell exactly how much pain the brunette was taking, from her teeth which had been bitten into her lower lip, the pea-size sweat which kept oozing from her forehead and streaming down her pale face, the deadly grasping of her hand, and the violently trembling muscles of her weary body.

At first, Alex whispered "it almost done... everything's gonna be fine...", but later, she shut up.

Holding the gasping woman in her arms tightly, tenderly, the counselor felt her own heart bleeding out bit by bit. It was more than obvious that nothing could smooth the huge miserableness Olivia was suffering.

Nothing.

The brunette's gasped was getting shallower and faster, and now she began to cough.

"Sarah, could you just..."

"I know, I know," The young nurse took a breath, sleeving the sweat off her face, "But I have to make the wound perfectly clean."

"Right... just, be quick, for Christ's sake!"

"I'm trying and I..." Sarah whispered behind the respirator.

At this moment, a male's voice suddenly caught the three women's eyes.

"Excuse me?" Without knocking, a man pushed in.

Suddenly, Olivia jerked to the opposite direction, almost threw herself out of the bed.

"Olivia!" Alex caught her before losing the balance. "Liv, Liv, what's wrong?"

"GET OUT!" Sarah yelled over her shoulder, "Who the hell let you in?"

"I saw his badge. The fucking feds!"

Seeing the man slipped out embarrassedly, Sarah rushed back to her patient.

"Hold her steady," She told Alex, "Olivia, it's ok, he's gone. Nobody's gonna hurt you, you hear me? Relax, calm down, or you'll tear the stitches."

Olivia's pale skin now had totally turned ashy, and she kept looking at the door with horrors all of her eyes.

"Honey, breath. He's out, no one's there, ok? Breathe, breathe!" Alex smoothed Olivia's back, "Sarah! Do something!"

The nurse grabbed the oxygen mask and covered it on Olivia's face.

After a while, the brunette finally calmed a little.

"It's ok, sweetheart... you're doing well... Yes, lean on me... good, just like this... I've got you, got you..." Alex could feel the gown Olivia wearing, had been soaked with cold sweat.

"Olivia," Sarah took off her gloves, putting on a new pair, "I know you're tired, but you have to hang out a little longer, ok? It's almost done. Just a few minutes, I promise."

Olivia blinked once as nodding, not sure how long she could still stay conscious.

About twenty minutes later, things were finally over.

Sarah grabbed her respirator off, letting out a long breath. "Okay, detective, could you move your toes? Right foot."

Alex swallowed hard, staring at Olivia's toes which still stained with dry blood around the nails.

No movement.

"You still with me, Olivia?" Sarah lifted her head up, eyeing the patient, then the counselor.

Alex looked down, "Liv? Look at me, please." The blue eyes met brown, "Yeah, I know you're exhausted, I'm sorry. But please just hang in here for another minute, ok?"

The brunette shut her eyes, struggling to sit up.

"No, no, stay still, honey. Just focus and move your toes, can you do that?" Alex whispered slowly, wiping the sweat off Olivia's eyebrows.

Olivia held her breath, eyes slipping along her own body, down to the end of the bed.

"Okay... " Sarah smiled, finding her patient's weary eyes. "Don't push yourself too much. It's only the first day after your surgery. And," she made a gently squeeze on Olivia's cold foot, "can you feel my hand? Anything?"

No responds.

Not sure it was the women in her arms turned ice-cold, or herself did, Alex froze up and stopped breathing. There was a short moment she could only see the movements of Sarah's mouth, but heard nothing.

Until Olivia coughed.

"Hey, sweetie," Alex smoothed the brunette's back several times.

"Everything's fine, detective, don't worry too much, ok? You just won such a big tough fight and kicked the death's ass. So, just give your body a little time, and be faithful. You'll be fine, I promise."

The nurse smiled sweetly, lying her patient down with Alex's help.

But just as Sarah drawing arm out of Olivia's back, her wrist got caught.

Olivia grasped the nurse breathlessly, struggling with words.

"Okay, take your time," Sarah leaned closer to her patient.

"What is she saying?" Alex couldn't help but ask.

Sarah blinked and leaned back, shaking her head.

"Let me," Alex bent down, gathering her long blond hair backward with her good hand and leaning her ear to the brunette's mouth.

Olivia's voice was almost inaudible.

"... pa-a-a–mm...a-aammm-r-rra-llummm..."

"No, sweetie, you're NOT gonna paralyzed." As the words coming out, Alex tasted the salted tears on her lips at the same time. "You'll..." She wanted to say "be fine", but seeing Olivia's tears pouring down in silent, she stopped.

"You're thinking too much." the counselor finally found her voice and forced a smile, "Just rest. You'll feel better and better every time you waking up. I promise."

The brunette coughed and coughed, still wanted to say something, only couldn't.

"Easy, easy, Olivia! Breathe!"

Suddenly, Sarah felt the hand on her wrist let go.

"Olivia! Liv!" Patting Olivia's face slightly, Alex felt her heart slammed violently. "What's wrong with her?"

Sarah didn't answer, checking the machines linking to the patient's body. "I think, she just past out. Her body couldn't take the pains or the emotions anymore."

"You sure? No need to call Dr. Lee? Cuz..."

"Alex, calm down." Sarah wiped her forehead, "Sure I'm gonna tell the doctor, but, really, she's all right, and actually, it may be better for her. At least she stopped crying."

Watching the wetness of those closed eyes, tears slowly blurred Alex Cabot's vision.

* * *

><p>"Who the fuck gave you the right to burst in the ICU room? You feds are simply stupid or just like being fuckers around?" As soon as meeting the two agents down the hall, Alex snapped out loud.<p>

"I'm sorry, Miss Cabot." the bigger guy seemed awkward.

"You should be."

"Counselor, I, we, apologize about this. But you know, the case is on fire. That's why we-"

"It's about the statement, isn't it?" Alex cut his off impatiently.

The older guy stepped forward, "Well, since you used to work in the SVU, Miss Cabot, you'd know how important it is to get the first hand statement before the victim mixes things up."

Alex swallowed, almost winced with the word of "victim". And she felt odd to think the things about Olivia both as a friend and an ADA trapping in the justice system.

"So, that's the homework you did?" She looked straightly into the older man's cloudy eyes, "You know nothing about the SVU, Agent..."

"Miller, and this is Agent Redd."

"Right, Agent Miller." Alex sighed, "Have you talked to doctor? Olivia is no-"

"Miss Cabot, we're clear about the condition of Detective Benson, ok? Just a few questions to ask."

"She's sleeping, I'm sorry. You... Is it really necessary to work THIS hard in Christmas day?" Alex forced herself not to yell.

The agents looked at each other for a second.

"Counselor, we're just doing our jobs here. And I'm sure you want to nail the bastard as badly as we do. We have to see Detective Benson today. We'll wait."

Before Alex shot back, Agent Redd added, "Just a couple of questions, I promise."

"She's," the blond rubbed her temple, fighting the sudden dizziness.

"Miss Cabot, are you ok?"

Watching the agent's mouth, Alex only heard her own heart pounding. And the next thing she saw, was blackness.

* * *

><p><strong>(Please review. Tell me what do you think, please please please, the more you review, the faster i update. )<strong>


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

Wheezed.

Wheezed.

Olivia was kicking, twisting, yanking and pulling... but no matter how hard she struggled, she just couldn't get herself free. And her chest, her head, her knee, her every inch of body hurt.

_God, help me..._

Only she was not able to die. Her lung itself was screaming for air, any bit of air, and brought the unbearable pain which had almost drowned her, suffocated her with every breath.

And he was there.

In the complete darkness, he was breathing right beside her neck, her temper, blowing the alcohol breath into her nose.

"Let me go... please." She heard herself begging out of breath.

"Go where, Liv?"

Immediately, Olivia's blood ran cold as the hair on the back of her neck standing up.

"E-Elliot?"

She blinked hard, heart slamming against her chest. "El, is that you? Where are you?"

Quiet. Only her rough gasps and heartbeats in the darkness.

But she knew this voice, knew it better than everything in the world.

"Help me, El! I can't take it anymore…"

"Help you what? You big teaser. Can't wait to be fucked?"

Suddenly, a sharp pain popped in between her legs.

"UUUhhh-!"

...

"Olivia! Olivia, wake up! C'mon." Sarah gently patted the sweaty cheek of her patient, avoiding the attack of those waving hands.

Shooting her eyes wide open, Olivia saw nothing but the blinding brightness.

"SSShhh, sshhh, it's just a dream. You're in the hospital, you're safe now…I'm your nurse, Sarah, remember?"

A woman was there, Olivia could tell. But the bright light blinded her.

"Breathe, breathe, yeah, in and out, slowly, not too deep… Ok, ok, stop, detective! I'm not touching you, not gonna to touch you, see?" The nurse withdrew her hands, turning the reading lump's light softer.

Scanning the surrounding, Olivia slowly got her mind clear.

"A-A-llle, le…s,"

"Alex? You want Alex?"

She coughed, nodding painfully.

"She, uh," Sarah almost lied, but found she didn't. "I'm afraid she can't be here now. Alex has been staying here for almost 3 days, without any eating or sleeping. She really needs her rest."

Olivia stunned, reaching for Sarah's wrist. "S-SSh-"

"Yeah, yeah, she's fine, she's sleeping now. Just a little low blood glucose and dehydrated. But, God, I'm such a big mouth. Just don't worry, ok? She's gonna come to see you very soon. Tomorrow maybe."

The detective shook her head, "S-SSSen... hherr, h-h-hh."

"Send her home?" Sarah held her hand, "Ok, I will, will try." She smiled. "She really cares a lot about you, detective. You know that?"

Olivia pressed lips together, feeling a sore in her heart.

Sarah sighed, taking a glance through the window. "Well, Olivia," Jesus, she hated to do this but just had to, "two man with the FBI came to see you, and one of them left when you were sleeping. Now, a cop added in, waiting out there."

Immediately, Olivia shot her eyes to the doorway.

"But you don't have to do it right now, ok? I'll keep them waiting if you're not feeling well enough for this."

Olivia didn't react, staring blankly at the window for a while.

"Detective?... Ok, let me handle them."

Just as Sarah about to turn, she felt a squeeze on her hand.

"I… cccaan."

"You sure? I mean, you can do it later with Alex's company."

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut, shaking head.

"Okay," Sarah paused a moment, "I can be here with you too, if you want."

"A-llloomm."

"Fine, alone." the nurse smiled warmly, "I'm staying just outside the door, in case you need me, ok?" with that, she raised her hand and waved toward the window.

Olivia swallowed hard.

Truth be told, she wasn't sure if she could do this. But she did know, this meeting was just matter of time.

And seriously, a cop and a FBI? Since when they did the interview together? Seemed things had gotten bigger and worse than she thought. Anyway, she just wanted to get over with it.

* * *

><p>"I got it." Before Kathy reaching the dirty dishes, Elliot took all of them. "Go take a nap, doctor said you need rest."<p>

Kathy smiled in surprise, "Wow. Is this for me or the baby?"

_Depends on you're playing with the hormone or not. _But he just opened his mouth, and closed it.

"Don't bother. Being silent is better than lie." Kathy smirked, "I know it's for your dear office-wife, isn't it? So you can see her ASAP."

Elliot put the dishes down to the sink a little roughly. "You didn't…"

"The only time of this year my husband washing dishes, is for his partner's sake! Some 'friendship', huh?" She said, making air quotes.

"Could you just-" Elliot turned, only seeing her walked away. "Fuck!"

…

After finished everything, Elliot felt his anger fading as the strength.

_What a Christmas..._

He blew out a long breath, pouring himself a glass of water, leaning backward against the sink.

Yeah, somehow Kathy was right, he had to say, that Olivia had never left his mind even for a single minute all the time. He couldn't help but keep wondering how she was, wondering she was alone or with someone, sleeping or awake, in pain or not... and, above these, he wondered if she ever missed him at all.

"Dad, are you ok?" Dickie felt like showed up from nowhere, making Elliot jump.

"Oh, yeah yeah, I was just..." he frowned, to see the weird look on his son, "You got something to tell me?"

The big boy took a deep breath, licking his lips, "Actually, I, uh..."

"Oh, great... What did you do this time?"

"It's not me, not really. Just... Ok, Dad, I-I'm not searching... THAT things, on the internet, you know me. But a friend of mine, well, not a friend anymore technically, I mean, we just played in the same team when I was…"

"Get to the point, son."

Dickie's light blue eyes watered up. "I saw a video. Dad, what happened to Olivia?"

BANG!

The glass dropped from Elliot's hand, smashing into pieces.

* * *

><p>"Detective Benson, long time to see you. How are you feeling?"<p>

Hearing the voice before actually saw that face, Olivia had known it was the IAB Lieutenant Ed Tucker.

Damn.

"This is Agent Redd, FBI. We've got some questions for you." Tucker said, making a bee-line to the bedside.

Olivia shifted uncomfortably in the bed.

Since the first look on them, she had turned into the cop mood instantly, watching all the details of their movements, appearances, expressions… everything. And her instinct said, maybe it was a mistake to do it alone and so soon.

"Here," Redd handed a pencil and a notebook to Olivia, "we know you have a little problem with speaking. So, just write. But you can stop whenever you need a break, ok?"

Hold the pencil, Olivia somehow felt an odd sting on the back of her hand. And her head was a mess, with Alex's bleeding hand recurred in, the throbbing pain coming from her entire lower-body, head and belly, and the exhaustion of figuring out why the hell the IAB and FBI laid their hands on this case now.

"Detective, are you ok for this?"

"Mmm." She forced herself to focus.

"Ok. First of all, can you tell me who the president is now?" Tucker asked.

Olivia rolled her eyes slightly. Really? Her entire body hurt like torturing her, but they wasted time on this.

_-Obama. __Today is Christmas. You r having divorce and he is a rookie. __Cmon, __Im injured but not stupid. __Wheres your point?_

She finished, thrust the note to Tucker.

"Ouch, impressive." The Lieutenant chuckled, rubbing the ring mark on his finger unconsciously.

"Ok," Redd cleared his throat, "good to know you remember a little more than we expected. So, has T Walker mentioned any address to you? Like any place he used to live before?"

Olivia shook her head.

"You don't remember or he did mention?"

_-he __didnt. _She wrote. And before withdrew her hand, she added: _the vics ok? the two girls. _

Tucker read, then stared at her. "You really got hurt on the head that hard, didn't you, detective?" a slight smirk flickered across the corner of his lips. "You're under investigation, you know that?" he suddenly raised voice.

Clenching teeth, Olivia winced with the tingles in her ears.

"In my career, I've seen all kinds of craps between partners. Fights, jealousness, affaires, even murders... Guess which the worst is?" his got serious. "Is the partners who take their dirty little problems in the line of duty and put the innocent civilians in danger!" he watched Olivia's pale face carefully, until she coughed and lowered her eyes. "And don't you ask any question here! What kind of cop you are? Just because you getting 92 percent case closure rate, so you start fuck around, risking people's lives?"

"NN-N-N00!" Olivia snapped in gasping, with some black clouds dancing in front of her eyes.

"Then tell me..."

To Olivia, his rest words sounded like flying far away, before she caught it again, "... fine. I'll figure that out later. Right now, you just tell me what'd you do to your baby?"

Olivia blinked her eyes clear, froze still in confusion and shock.

* * *

><p><strong>-Earlier-<strong>

Kathy got out of the car, slamming the door roughly behind.

She was pissed, for her unreachable husband, and the totally fucked Christmas. She couldn't believe that Elliot just left the house, left the whole family without even a note or something. She just woke up from her nap, and found he was gone.

According to Dickie, his dad just rushed out after received a call.

What else could it be about? Where else would he head to?

But, no, that didn't piss Kathy Stabler, not at all. She kind of expected things like this happened, besides, she'd been got used of it in all these years, anyway.

What made her really angry, was Elliot, her husband, who didn't even answer his phone after abandoning his wife and kids in the middle of Christmas day. Well, actually he did answer, but only for one word: "busy", before hung up on her.

Since then, his phone turned straightly to the voice mail.

Fuck him.

Now, standing in the smelly hospital elevator with a wheelchaired guy and two coughing old women, Kathy couldn't help but hold her breath, as her flesh crawling.

God knew what kind of sick air she was breathing, her unborn baby was breathing.

The blond pressed a palm against her belly, cursing inside. She swore, she really gonna kill Elliot as soon as found him.

* * *

><p>"Baa-a-a-bbby?"<p>

Olivia finally moved her lips, but almost no sound came out.

The young FBI Agent pushed himself off the wall, stepping to Tucker. "C'mon, Lieutenant. Is this necessary? "

But the IAB Lieutenant ignored him, holding Olivia's eyes.

"They didn't tell you? Oh, I'm sorry... But I think you must remember the rape, don't you?"

"Lieutenant!" Redd grabbed the older man's shoulder.

Before Tucker shot back, Olivia moaned painfully, using her shaky arms for support, sat up slowly.

She was totally out of breath, sweating and trembling, with these huge brown eyes staring at the man in front of her.

"H-HH-Heee, ddddi... no- o-oot, a-a-aap- p, mme..."

"You didn't remember?"

"HHe, di, di, nnnot!"

"Benson," Tucker leaned closer, "We saw the... video. He recorded everything."

The brunette went red in the face and choked with gasping.

There was a long moment she didn't move, just shaking and scanning Tucker's eyes.

Finally she gritted teeth and leaned forward, reaching her hand out, gripping the collar of the IAB guy.

"LLLLe, mme... s... sseee."

Redd rushed over to hold Olivia's trembling body, "you can't do this, Tucker!"

"FFU-, OFF!" Olivia glared at the young man.

Meanwhile, nobody noticed that Kathy Stabler stopped her steps outside, with hand sticking on the door of ICU room.

"You know she has the right to know." Tucker glanced at the quiver hand at his collar, "But before you see it, Olivia, there's something you should know first, which is... I know things are complicated, and just as every newly pregnant woman, you may feel helpless, unprepared... and I bet Stabler will give you his... whatever suggestions, even it gonna make your relationship more complicated..." he paused, hearing something. But turning back, just found the door opened in a crack and no one there. "... anyway," he continued, "we really hope you could keep the babe a little longer, at least long enough for us to get the amniotic fluid for DNA test. 20 weeks would be fine. Because, that son of a bitch bleached everything, leaving nothing for us to compare the DNA found in those dead victims. And unlucky, also nothing found in the rape kit of yours. The blood might rush everything out. So... your baby is the last hope we got."

Olivia opened her mouth, only didn't have any strength to make sounds. Instead, she gripped more harder on his collar, fighting the burning pain coming from all her body and the threatening black out.

"Lieutenant, just, DON'T DO THIS!"

Tucker pulled out his iphone, pressing several times before showed it to the detective.

Redd turned his head away immediately. He'd seen it once. And he couldn't watch it again, couldn't even take the sounds of it.

But soon, he felt a sudden cough blasted out from the woman in his arms.

The first thing he saw as he turned back, was the red blood gushing out of Olivia's mouth, spilling all over Tucker's face, and at the same time, the detective's body jerked backward to him, convulsed violently.

"S... TOOP! St-tto, to-p... NNNNo,... I d-... di...n't..."

"She's having flash back! Doc-"

"Shut up!" Tucker leaned forward, covering Redd's mouth. "Hold her. She's saying some..."

"... mee-ann, t-ttt... bi-i-ite yyo..." Olivia coughed and coughed, with blood now gushing out of her nose too.

"You didn't mean to bite him? You bit him, didn't you?"

Redd shook the hand on his mouth off. "You son of a bitch! She needs doctor now! HELP-! Where's the doctor!"

* * *

><p>Alex stirred in the middle of the night. She spent a short while to figure out where she was.<p>

_Oh..__._ _no._

She could barely believe that she slept so damn long in the hospital bed, and with some ridiculous dripping of fluid.

_D__o they need to treat everyone like sick people?_

Dragging the IV out of the back of her hand, she got to her fee, and winced with the sudden pain of her hand.

Now she saw her injured hand.

_God, __how's Olivia? _

Alex cursed under breath, running straight out of the door.

Coming to the ICU floor, she really got a bad feeling about this. Besides, she felt guilty, for not able to kick the damn FBI out, for didn't even simply be here with Olivia... Her gut told her, Olivia might not react well about this, or...

"Miss! Miss!" an old nurse rushed over, stopped the counselor. "Excuse me. Are you Miss Alex Cabot?"

"Yeah..."

"Then, I'm sorry but you can't see Olivia Benson now."

Alex narrowed eyes, "why?"

"Her condition kind of getting worse. The doctor forbids any visit."

Alex' heart was almost in her throat, "Worse? How? She, she was just fine a few hours ago."

"Don't know much. As my shift start, I was told that her lung began to bled again, followed by high fever and paroxysmal convulsions. So, she needs the absolutely quietness and good rest."

Alex held her breath, doing her best to understand all the information here.

"Is, uh, is it critical?" There was a tremble in her voice.

"Yes, seems that way." The Old nurse nodded expressionless. "Please go home, Miss. We'll call you as soon as she out of the wood."

"Can I see her through the window?"

"We put her back into the protectable coma. You'll just see her lying there."

"I just want to see her, and it won't be long, dammit!"

Finally, the nurse walked aside, watching Alex came to the window and covered her mouth, tearing down silently.

* * *

><p><strong>-Earlier-<strong>

After running out of the hospital building, Kathy Stabler duck into her car as fast as she could.

Tears had been all over her face, but she just didn't bother to wipe. Her mind was too busy of replaying Tucker's words over and over again:

_"... as every newly pregnant woman, ... and I bet Stabler will give you his... whatever suggestions, even it gonna make your relationship more complicated..."_

Yes, all the tings made sense now.

Why he kept refusing to transfer;

Why SHE hadn't even had a decent boyfriend for all these years;

Why he cares so much about HER, but didn't give a damn about her;

...

_Just because t__hey were fucking under your nose, Kathy... they fucked like some shameless animals, till their love child created, making you the biggest idiot and loser in the world. _

She gritted her teeth, feeling the pain of being betrayed burned every cell of her body.

For all her life, Kathy had never been more obsessed with the desire of revenge than right now.

(TBC)

* * *

><p><em><strong>Please review~~~ your reviews make my day:) love you guys! My twitter is "liviajsjs"， welcome to follow me. XOXO<strong>_


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

**-SEVERAL DAYS LATER-**

**-Outside the ward of Olivia's-**

"Hey."

Staring blankly through the window, Elliot simply ignored Doc. Huang's approaching.

Huang came over, standing side by side with the taller man, seeing Olivia sleeping silently in the hospital bed, eyes closed, as small as a kid. Down her body, a part of the blanket which should have shown the figure of her slender leg, now was lying straightly on the mattress.

The psychologist felt a sudden stung in his heart.

"I know why you're here. But not here, not now, please." Elliot whispered, as if afraid of waking the woman in the other side of the door.

"Elliot, I come to see Olivia and you, just as a friend. Nothing professional."

The detective didn't turn, "Thanks. But leave me alone."

"How's Kathy? And the baby?"

Elliot walked away, leaning to the sidewall. "Great."

Now, Huang noticed the small dinner bucket holding in Elliot's hand.

"You bring her something?"

Elliot closed his eyes, "Yeah, she was allowed to eat the liquid food yesterday. So I made some chicken-veg soup."

"That's great." Huang smiled, "Olivia's recovering rapidly."

"Yeah, in physical, may be."

"She's been through a lot, Elliot, give her time."

"No, it's not..." he pulled himself off the wall, stepping away. "She's... You have no idea what the hell that bastard did to her."

"I know."

"No, I'm talking about Tucker!"

Huang studied the half face Elliot turned to him.

"Nobody knew any of it until the rookie FBI finally confessed to Doc. Lee." he forced his voice to drop, gritting teeth, "The only thing I regret, is I didn't beat that son of a bitch more harder. And I swear I'm going to beat the shit out of him every time I see his sick face. I swear." Elliot turned to the psychologist, "You gonna shrink me? No bother, Doc. I'm done with the job, and I don't care he's gonna sue me or bite me… I have nothing to lose."

Huang narrowed his eyes, "We both know, that I gonna evaluate your condition sooner or later. But Elliot, seriously, you really think you have nothing to lose?"

Elliot held his eyes for a while, before blowing a long breath out and turning away.

The Doc waited a little while. But nothing came from Elliot, except silence. So he decided to change the topic. "It's ok to feel angry, and lost, but..."

Elliot lowered his head, cutting him off, "Don't you think Olivia is the one who needs your shrink?"

"I already told you in the first place that she's in shock, which means, it's only matter of time. So, if she let you see her, what'd you say to her, about the baby?"

The detective frowned in a sudden pain on the chest, "It's up to her. I support whatever decision she's making."

"You know your opinion means a lot to her."

"My opinion..." he rubbed his temple, "like you didn't see the message she left to me. George, she said it loud and clear that she doesn't want to see me, ok? … Fuck... like I'm a plague or something."

"Yeah, I saw the note. She said, 'don't let my partner in. Don't want to see him.'"

"Thanks for reminding."

"Why she didn't write your name? You know her condition. Writing 'Elliot' or 'El' is easier than 'my partner'."

The detective shot his eyes over. "What are you inferring?"

"You tell me," the Doc thought for a while, "don't you know she's avoiding you?"

Elliot glared at him, feeling stupid and useless to talk about something actually unchangeable. "Maybe because I failed her, I said yes to the butcher who wanted to cut her leg. Satisfied?"

"You know it's not true. As soon as she forgave Alex, she accepted the thing you have done."

"No, Alex is... Alex. You have no idea about... As the feds got the case, I started to search things from every possible way. I just, I have to do something, anything, you know? Though, with my hands tied, I barely got anything no matter how hard I tried. And, after every long frustrated day, I came here, to see her hooking with all the machines, unconscious… I've been praying, cursing, thinking about everything and nothing... till the day she finally woke up. You can't imagine how fucking grateful I felt that day. On the way of coming here, I was... I just wanted to hold her, tell her…" he paused, "... and to figure out what the hell Tucker and the rookie said to her that day... But funny, I got the fucking note she left to me." He swallowed, got his voice in control, "why she refuses to see me, George? I know I disappointed her, I fucked up everything... Jesus, how can I... I can't even just be a cop to nail who did these to her; or be a friend to beat the hell out of this bastard... or at least be a man, who cares deeply about her, to just simply pull her head to my shoulder and let her cry…" He stopped and brushed the tear-drops away as unnoticeably as he could. "I, I worry about her, worry to death... I mean, yes, she seems stable now, physically, at least, but, you saw her with your eyes too, Doc... She shuts everyone out, even Alex. She is... no words, no expression, no reaction to the outside... no nothing."

"Human body has some self-protection mechanisms, both mentally and physically."

"I know, but Olivia's not avoiding things. She's not that type."

"Elliot, just because you've been partnered this long, doesn't mean you can possibly imagine any of what she's been through. She's just human, no different from all the victims you met."

"Doc, it's not something mental. It's… what always happens after the... amputation, leaving her nowhere to hide. You know that?"

Huang thought for a second before something popped in his mind. "You mean, the pain of phantom limb?"

Elliot nodded slowly, "It may be the worst curse of the world, George... For all these years, I barely saw Olivia blinked her eyes, no matter how bad she got hurt... But recently...I heard her cry and… begging." He pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh, "the damn pain turns up over and over in every… 5 or 10 hours, and the only thing they do, is telling her to fucking hang on there."

"Yeah, you can't use high level pain killers on the brain damaged patient. And, basically most of the drags are useless to the phantom limb pain."

"So, there's no way she's hiding in her world. The killing pain keeps reminding her things every now and then." he whispered like self talking.

Huang peeped through the window, letting out a long breath. "What do you think? How much does she remember?"

"Most of it, I guess. And if something she missed, Tucker has helped her with that."

Suddenly, the video started to play in his mind all over again.

_..._

_In the view of the infrared camera, everything appeared __in pale green:_

_With every brutish __thrust, Olivia's blood spouted from the wound on her chest, soaking through the bandage… _

_..._

Yeah, due to the infrared camera, there was no way the blood would show its true color. However, as our imaginations working, things could get so much more horrible.

Shaking his head, Elliot moved back to the nearest wall and leaned on it heavily. "Fuck. How could he do this to a woman? He's one of us, for fuck's sake!"

"Elliot," Huang landed a gentle hand on his shoulder, "you need to be calm. At least Olivia's been doing well day after day."

The taller man closed his eyes, blowing out the air he'd been holding too long. "Damn... I really really need to see her... how about I just shoot that stupid guard, burst in and make her look at my eyes, telling me why she hates me?"

"So, you're no different than Tucker."

Elliot studied Huang's serious eyes. "Really?..." he glared him, before walking away.

As the detective turning his back toward Huang, he heard high-heel steps coming closer.

* * *

><p>"Stabler, you didn't upset her again, did you?"<p>

"So glad to see you, counselor." Elliot turned to met Alex's annoyed eyes.

"I'm not in that mood..."

"Relax, Alex," Huang cut in, before the blond clenching her teeth, "we're just talking, Olivia's sleeping. Everything's fine."

Taking a long look through the window, Alex ran her fingers through her messy hair. "Sorry, I was... I had a bad dream before... never mind. Uh," she caught Elliot's dinner bucket. "Ok, now I believe you haven't get in."

Elliot rolled eyes a little, "Would you do me a favor, Alex, before the chicken-veg soup get cold?"

"Since when do you cook?"

"Since always. I'm a daddy, remember? And Olivia likes everything I make."

Alex reacted by a simple "Oh", adding a quick smile with it.

"Alex, seriously, how's she? You're with her everyday." The psychologist frowned in concern, leading the three of them to the benches and sitting down.

"She... uh," the blond looked down, a trace of sorrow crossing the corner of her mouth, "I could tell, that the PLP must be getting worse. Each time seems costs her more energy to finally get it over... And other than that... Well, I'm not sure she's in deep thought or just pretends she's not even there."

"Has she asked for something? Anything?" Huang chased Alex's eyes.

She shook her head, "No, never. She barely talked, except for answering her doctor's question with one or two words. But, she let me read to her. Some prose-poems."

"What kind of poems?" Elliot asked quickly.

"Something light and joyful, of course. Afraid of making her emotional." Alex blinked tiredly, "She's so weak... as long as the pain fading, she usually fell in asleep quickly in front of me..."

"Miss Cabot!" Suddenly, the young cop who was guarding outside Olivia's room, yelled over. "I think Detective Benson's awake."

* * *

><p>After changing the gown for her favorite patient, Sarah nodded to the blond counselor, giving her the permission to go in.<p>

"Hey, sleepyhead. Look what I bring you." Alex smiled warmly as coming to the bedside, setting the dinner bucket on the small table.

Just as her thought, the brunette seemed like not knowing her appearance at all. But she knew she was awake, from the shaking hands which grasped the mattress tightly, and the uncomfortable shifting of her lanky figure covered under the blanket.

Alex's heart ached.

"Honey, want to sit up? It helped last time." she asked softly, pulling out a tissue from the tissue box, gently wiping sweaters off Olivia's face.

The brunette just frowned, breathing rapidly with her mouth half opened and eyes closed.

"... I'm gonna adjust the bed a little bit higher. Let me know if you want me to stop, ok?"

She waited, but Olivia gave her nothing.

"Ok, let's try it, anyway." With that, Alex pressed the button on the head of the bed, while watching Olivia's face carefully.

Soon, the muscles on Olivia's neck seemed eased, as her hands letting go the mattress.

Alex stopped, letting the upper bed stay in that angle."Feel better?"

Olivia closed her mouth, swallowing dryly.

"Hey, feel like drink something? I, uh," she remembered Elliot's words: _don't tell her it's from me._

"I bring you some really really yummy soup. Want to have a taste?... Liv, your body needs food. You can't live with the IV dripping forever, can you?"

No reaction.

Alex turned her head, wondering whether the soup was still warm.

"Honey, please, just have a little, will you? It's not that easy to make, you know. Besides, some poor chick scarified itself for you..." the counselor picked up Olivia's sweaty hand, holding in her own, "anyway, screw it, if the soup sucks."

Still, Olivia seemed like didn't hear her at all.

"Ok, sweetheart, just have a little bit, ok? do it for me, please?" Alex hesitated a while, but finally took the soup over.

As uncapping the dinner bucket, she could tell that the soup was still hot.

"Wow, it smells so good..." Alex carefully took half spoon of it, and felt glad to see Olivia didn't show any sign of rejection.

The blond touched the spoon with her lower lip to make sure the temperature was right, before sending it to Olivia's mouth.

"Honey, open your mouth for the fantastic soup, ok?"

Slowly, Olivia blinked her eyes open. Though, the brown eyes had no focus. She was just staring blankly at the spoon, opened her mouth a little.

"You miss the real food, don't you?"

There.

She swallowed the soup down.

Alex frozen. And quickly, her view was getting blurred.

"It's good, isn't it?" the blond chocked in happy tears, leaving so many words stuck in her throat.

But, just before Alex lifting the spoon to Olivia again, the brunette suddenly jerked away and threw up violently.

Finally, she stopped heaving.

Holding Olivia backward to lean on her shoulder, Alex stunned to see how deadly pale the brunette got.

"It's ok, it passed,... you're fine now, sweetheart... I'm sorry, so sorry... maybe it's not the time, or," she smiled, "my soup really sucks, isn't it?"

But Alex's smile faded as the woman in her arms grasping her wrist.

The brown eyes stared deep into the blue ones.

As the words coming out, Olivia's tears rolled down as well.

"I... w-wan-t... ab-bor-tion."

TBC

* * *

><p><strong>dear readers, I'll say thank you to all of you guys who left reviews to this story. Really, it's the biggest encouragement to me. Thanks a lot~!<strong>

**And back to the story. What do you think about the baby? You want Olivia to keep it or not? Which way you prefer the story line head to? **

**Let me know, please, let me know everything going through your mind. I'm aching for every word from you guys!**

**XOXO~~~~***


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

**Sorry to all my dear readers for keeping you wait so long. Cuz I've been going through a hard time of my life. Anyway, I still miss you guys, miss Olivia. **

**Ok, this chapter is a little long, but I think you'll like it:) .**

**Also, please review. I'm aching for every word you write to me.**

* * *

><p><span>-Several days later-<span>

Alex stood at the end of the hall way, frozen, watching Elliot pushed the door open, to see the woman who had been refusing to eat anything, to see anyone, only begging for the abortion surgery;

The woman…

God, why the name, Olivia Benson, turned to be some sour spot in her heart? Alex wondered.

She knew the brunette wanted and needed to see him.

She really did.

_They're partners for fuck's sake, Cabot. _

Leaning back to the wall, she laughed. _You__'__re__what,__some__selfish__and__stupid__high__school__girl__who__care__about__nothing__but__being__possessive__about__your__BFF?_

Eventually, she heard the door closed gently down the hall.

It brought the counselor back to the moment of last night, when Olivia finally opened her mouth, saying the first sentence after her recently self-isolated and fasted:

...

"_How fffuckin' lllong they'll ke-keep me waiting for?"_

_Alex stunned. _

_Since the big fight Olivia had with the doc, the brunette had barely said a single word no matter how hard people tried to talk to her. _

"_Honey..." she walked closer, "I know you're upset... But you're not well enough to do the abortion, you know that, right?"_

"_Make, them, dddo, i-it, NOW!" _

"_Olivia! They can't! It could cost your life... or, you could lose the opportunity to be a mother again."_

"_I dddon't care!"_

"_Yes you do!" Alex yelled. "Why Olivia, why? Just several weeks, and it will help the case, too. You know they need the amniotic fluid for DNA comp-"_

_Suddenly, Olivia brushed the glass on the nightstand to the floor._

_It crashed with a bang, making the whole world sank into silence._

_Olivia was gasping and shaking. "Fuck the D-DNA! ... Sche-scheggule it... or... I... rrrather... die!" she clenched teeth as the tears streamed down._

"_Oh, shut up..." Alex rushed over, pulling the brunette into her arms. "Fine, fine. You got it. You got it! Just... don't you say that word again. You hear me?" she was shaking, too._

_..._

_They shared tears. And then, Olivia whispered, "I wa... want sssee… El."_

_..._

"Alex?"

Sarah stepped closer, finally getting her attention.

"Oh, hey, Sarah. Sorry… I was, thinking."

"Are you ok? You look..."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine…"suddenly, someone caught the counselor's eyes.

It was a skinny young man, holding a bunch of flowers walking towards Olivia's room.

"Hey, buddy. I'm looking for Olivia Benson." he was stopped by the guard cop.

"And you are…?"

Before he answered, Alex had been rushed over there. "Who the hell are you?" she asked, looking this big boy up and down.

The young man licked his lips, "I… I just come to send this. Some guy paid me, told me to give it to Olivia Benson."

"Who? Where?" Alex felt her heartbeats quickened.

"I don't know him. Just a… normal guy, uh, 5 minutes ago I think? Outside the hospital."

"Is him?" Alex found out Jason's picture in her phone, and showed it to him.

"Seems… like him, I'm not sure. He was wearing sunglasses… and, uh, I don't know. We just talked a few sentences. He said he's allergic to the sense of hospital, and asked me to deliver."

"Give me." Alex grabbed the flowers from him, taking out an envelope with Olivia's name on it.

Holding the card, Alex's blood went cold.

"What's on it?"

"Tell Cragen, we really need to transfer her to the safe place."

* * *

><p>Kathy Stabler had tried 5 times to pick up the damn crushed egg from the kitchen floor, but she just couldn't. Her back hurt like hell, and her belly felt like being yanked by something inside, making it almost impossible to bend down.<p>

Finally, she gave up.

_Alright... Maybe you're a little too old to be pregnant. But even pick the eggshells up, so what? You still gotta clean the mess, wipe the floor... Face it, stupid woman, something just can't be picked up. Just like your marriage._

The damn marriage.

All of a sudden, she felt like an idiot, felt pathetic, for some voice inside her started to lecture.

_You still can't get it, can you? No matter how many kids you give him, how many sacrifices you do for him, you just can't get his heart back. You can't, and you won't... Yeah, the baby you're carrying, is worthless now. Don't pretend you don't know reason, Kathy. Say it, SAY IT OUT LOUD! C'MON!_

BANG!

She grabbed a plate from the counter, and threw it against the wall.

_Because you man knocked that whore up! FUCK!... FUCK!_

Kathy closed her eyes, shaking slightly in anger.

"Mom, is everything okay?"

She forced a deep breath, turning to give a convincible smile to Lizzie. "Yeah, sweetheart. Could you help me with these?"

Lizzie eyed the mess on the floor, "Sure. What are you making, Mom?"

"The mutton and tomato soup, your fave..." Kathy said, tucking her hair behind her ear. And suddenly, she froze. "Uh, sweetheart, what y-... you like Dad's cooking or mine?"

"Dad's good. But if I have choice, I prefer yours." The girl answered without a thought.

Instead of smiling, Kathy stared the soup thoughtfully. "So, you think Olivia's gonna like it, too?"

"Of course she will! Oh, speak Olivia, Mom, I... I really worried about her. Why Dad doesn't let us see her?"

"We're gonna see her, babe," Kathy turned around, leaning against the counter, "as soon as she gets better, transferred to New York maybe. And we can bring her some REAL food."

Lizzie grinned, "Can't wait!"

Kathy smiled back, whispering in her own mind:

_I can handle the man when I was Liz's age, and I can still handle him now. _

* * *

><p>Elliot almost felt the knob burning as his tense fingers sticking on it, hesitating about getting in or not.<p>

Anyway, here he was, with eyes looking at everywhere but his partner.

Finally, his eyes "accidentally" peeped at the woman shifting miserably in the bed from time to time.

Elliot stopped his breath.

Instead of head wrapped in the thick heavy bandage before, now her one inch newly grown hair with its natural nut-brown color had been shown mostly, which making her looked like some… skinny teenage boy. Yeah, he knew she'd been losing weight quickly, but never expected it'd hit him this hard when standing right in front of her, seeing with his own eyes.

There was a long while Elliot didn't move an inch. His heart ached like being cut into pieces.

_Is that really her? _

But the sense of strangeness spreading in the air, disappeared as their eyes connected.

There.

Those brown eyes still felt like Olivia Benson, the woman he'd spent so much more time with than anyone else in his past 11 years, also, the woman he always didn't dare to hold her eyes for too long.

Though, there were differences.

Well, to be specifically, it was distance.

"Tha-anks ffor the sssoup."

He didn't expect Olivia would be the first one who broke the silence. And the "soup" cost him a little while to ring a bell.

"Oh, that. I heard it got you threw up." He grinned shyly, "Guess is it why you lost your appetite these days?"

Olivia shook head slightly, "It wa-was... nice."

"Ok, then, it must be Alex. I asked her not to tell you I made it."

"Ssshe didn't. I, I, knew it ffffrom the fir-irst sip." Olivia answered a little too quickly, only realizing the denying seemed making them more awkward.

"So, how are yyou dddoing?" She changed the topic.

"I'm good," he lied. "Gee, that supposed to be my line." He raised an eyebrow.

"Bet ttthe IAB… are all o-over you."

"Liv…" Elliot walked closer. "They're nothing. We got Tucker's ass too."

Olivia lowered her eyes.

_Okay... she doesn't want to talk about this._

Elliot softened voice, "And, I'm fine, just suspended. Though..."

"What?"

This time, it was him, who escaped eyes away. Anyway, he wanted be honest to her, just like always.

"I'm gonna retire."

She looked shocking. Soon, the sadness, confusing and something he couldn't identify mixed in her eyes.

"Why?" It was barely a whisper.

His mouth half opened, but nothing came out.

_You know why, dammit. Because I can't keep doing this after the terrible mistake I made, which nearly caused your life; because…_

"... I can't do this without you..." it rushed out.

With those words echoing, Olivia heard her heart broke. She turned away, doing her best to hold the tears back.

Once upon a time, she thought about the day from time to time, the moment like this. What would it feel like; how would they react... But didn't know since when, this issue couldn't be touched anymore.

It was too damn painful to touch.

Until recently.

Recently, lying in the bed with bunch of boring time she had to kill, with the too damaged body torturing her, and the real world out of the hospital fading away day after day, Olivia started to be aware of one thing, that being a cop exactly meant how much to her. No, not only this, but being a cop partnered with him.

Damn him, for taking most of the space of her life in SVU, of her life.

And now, when she couldn't be Det. Benson anymore, couldn't live the old life, the only life she knew, anymore...

It hurt.

But, just as the first tear rolling down, some light of the reality shone into her heart.

_You can't do this without me... Really?... No, it's not about me. Don't you know that we've lost each other before I say goodbye to SVU?_

She let out a cold sad smile, "I'm NOT th-the rea-a-son of you being a cccop, El."

Elliot froze a while, before raised his voice a little, "Maybe. Maybe you're not the reason of the prelude, but too bad, seems you've becoming my entire... career,"

"Stop," she squeezed her eyes shut. Something inside her cracked, "ddon't... "taking a breath, Olivia managed to get her trembling voice in control, "I'm... gonna gggget rid of the pain, the ooold me, old life..." (a_nd__you...)_But she didn't say it. " ...I'm mmmoving on, El. You ne-need that, too."

Her voice sounded flat, even cold, which felt like a slap on Elliot's face.

"What's your point, Liv? Wh-" he paused, told himself not to yell. "Tell me, I know you wanna talk." he came to the bedside, holding her hand.

Olivia withdrew, shaking head slowly.

Elliot fisted his empty hand, wondering what did it mean, "can't believe you don't get it" or "don't touch me"?

When she reopened eyes, the tears were threatening to pour. "I..." she pressed lips together, as if searching for the right words or courage, "jus-... I... I, I wwwa-want..." she got emotional, stammering even worse.

"What you want, Olivia? Why you're doing... all the crazy things? You know you're in no shape for that kind of surgery now." Elliot reached hand out hesitantly, to wipe her tears.

"...jjjust ttell me, your opppi-opinion... 'bout the... abo-bortion."

He studied her face, only finding her tears ran down like some waterfall.

In a second, Elliot's entire heart melted into water.

He leaned forward, pulling her into his arms, whispered, "… I feel so, so sorry, Liv…"

This time, Olivia didn't resist. She cried hard, as hard as her lung could take, but quietly all the way. No matter how violently her body shaking with the sobs, making it how hard to breath, she kept sealing her sound deadly in the throat.

Meanwhile, her hand raised up, grasping his arm, and digging her desperate, hateful, sorrowful nails into his flesh deeply. She gripped, scratched and hit him time and time again…

Elliot granted teeth, not for the physical pain at all, but seeing the strongest woman he ever knew breaking down in his arms like this. At the same time, it also shocked him to sense the desperation, heartbreaking, even… hate coming from her fingers. He wondered if she felt too frustrated, guilty, shame or angry to fall apart in front of him.

"Ok… I know how hard it is… I know you're hurt…"

She pulled away a little, "No!" She slapped his chest, "El… tell mme, ddo you w-wwant me… ttto, to do it?"

"It doesn't matter what I think…"

"T-tell mme!" She cut him off with a glare.

Meeting her teary eyes, Elliot found them unreadable.

"Olivia, it's your baby, your responsibility. Don't you think I have no right to suggest anything at all? By the way I've known you'd ab-… do it long before you told me. We talked about this several times, remember? Okay, if you want my opinion… I'd say, no one knows better than me that how much shit an 'accidental' baby could bring to your life. I mean…" he added quickly, "…as a new mother, carrying a baby, in this… circumstances… it's going to mess up your life, make everything more complicated and… "

_MY responsibility? ... to mess up my life or YOUR life?..._

Looking back and forth between these blue eyes, thousand questions popped in her mind, but suddenly she lost every urge to ask anything.

"Too much things happened. You…" his eyes slid down to her legs. "… we got such a long road to go, Liv… But things are getting better. I, I heard you got the sensations on your legs back, right? You're in the right way, and you won't be alone. I promise. I'll always be here with you."

_That's what "partners" do, right? _

With a sad, stubborn smile crossing by the corner of her mouth, Olivia closed her eyes.

"I'm thinking... if you like... you can move in with me, in my own place, after you're discharged. You need someone to take care of, you know. I, I,"

She shook her head.

"Let me finish, please." He held her hand tight, "I just don't want you being alone, and you can't, live alone in maybe a period of long time."

"I can." She pulled her hand out, "I been al-lone for all mmmy damn li-life."

He scanned her eyes, "Is it really necessary to keep being so stubborn? Or, you got prob-... never mind." He looked away.

"Fuck...Why cccan't ya ju-just llleave me a-alone, Elliot? What yyyou want from me?" her voice cracked, "I'm NOT a cccop anymore! We're d-done. The o-old dddays we ha-have are DONE!" she yelled, gasping, with the unstoppable tears rushing down her face, "Go mmmmind your own fffam-li-lies, and sto-op botherin' me! I don-don't wwwant my life hhhhave an-anythin' to do with yyou!" she took a break, struggling for catching her breath, "We... the good t-time... we hhhave... in these e-e-ele-ven years... just," her eyes squeezed shut, and both her shaking hands grabbed on the sheet, "just... llleave it... iiiin the me-memory..."

Elliot dropped his jaw.

_Don't want your life have anything to do with me. Really? Is it what it is? _

Several times, he was about to cut her off, to say something, but only couldn't find his voice. He just took every slash coming from her words, feeling his heart bled out and cut to pieces.

"Ok," eventually, he lowered his head and whispered, seeing two tear-drops of his own dripping down to the ground, "whatever you want, you got it." He forced a smile, ignoring the bitter tears now tasted on his tongue, "I understand, you have every right to hate me. I do. What can I say? Things have gone this far... anyway, I still gonna say, I'm sorry, for everything I did and didn't do. I really am... and I know, I don't deserve your forgiveness. I, uh... " he hesitated for a while, but ended up turning around and heading out.

"But one thing I'm not sorry about," before pulling the door open, he stopped, "which is, giving my heart to you."

Holding breath, Elliot Stabler covered his mouth almost the same time as the door closing behind with a click.

He decided to leave, maybe as fast as he could, heading to the elevator straightly. Oh no, better the stairs. He didn't want to see any people any more.

And before realized it, he was running.

Running away from her.

* * *

><p>Alex felt her heart skipped a beat while walking out of the lady's room.<p>

Her eyes locked on the last man in the world she wanted to see, Lieutenant Ed Tucker, who was talking to Doc. Lee over the nurse station.

"What are you doing here, Lieutenant?" She made a beeline to the IAB guy.

"Counselor," Tucker didn't smile a little, "glad to see you here. Benson can't have the abortion so soon."

Alex looked at the Doc immediately.

"Don't look him," Tucker drew her attention back while the doctor lowered eyes, "he has to tell me about it."

"Because of what?"

"Because the babe she's carrying is the key evidence of this case. I've told her to wait 20 weeks so we can get the amniotic fluid for DNA test."

The ADA stepped forward, standing nearly toe to toe with him, "You told her, huh? Who the hell do you think you are? She is the victim here, so she has EVERY right to make the decision as long as the medical evaluation says yes! And don't play the law card with me, Tucker, you'll go down ugly."

"Oh, you wanna talk about the victim? Fine. Listen up, there're 7 dead girls lying in the morgue now! You ever considered the feeling of their parents? They want to know who the hell killed their baby girls!"

Alex's gut quivered. But almost the same time, Olivia's teary eyes popped in her mind.

"Tell you what?" Good. Her voice sounded cool, "You IAB rats are finding someone to take the responsibility of this fucked mission. And now you've got Stabler's ass, which means your job is done here." she took a breath, reminding herself not to yell, "You know better than me that no 'perfect crime' exists. There's always evidence out there. So just let the Feds do their job, the REAL police job for Christ's sake, instead of fucking with the victim time and time again!"

Tucker stared straightly into those blue eyes for a while, before leaning to her ear and whispering, "Why I got a feeling that you bitches are hiding something?"

"Screw you!"

Tucker chuckled and walked pass her, murmuring "It's not over."

* * *

><p>Elliot found himself had been standing in the snowfield for God knew how long, reviewing nothing but all the sentences he just heard.<p>

It echoed in his mind, time and time again.

_So what? You gonna avoid her for the rest of your life? Or, you two turn to be some polite strangers? … Good thing is you can't hear her reaction far from here. Isn't that great? _

God, he couldn't believe he actually say it out loud.

Fuck.

It couldn't be more ridiculous. All of these.

Life without her was ridiculous.

And the funny thing was, even the moment holding her lifeless body against his heart, he didn't feel so desperately... distant as he did now.

God, why he felt like losing her.

_No, no, it's NOT like this. _

He shook head in tears, rubbing his freezing numb face with both hands.

_She's sick, she's in pain, she's about to lose the baby... she's NOT thinking clearly. _

_Isn't she?_

His cellphone rang. The ID said Cragen.

"Hey, Captain?"

_-"Listen, we gotta get Olivia back to new york."_

"Wh- Is she ok?" his heartbeats quickened, "She was just fine when I..."

_-"Relax, she's fine... It's- That son of a bitch sent his 'get well card'."_

"What?"

* * *

><p><strong>Two days later<strong>

**The surgery room**

So, it was how it felt like, lying in the hard, cold operation-table, staring at the white ceiling, surrounded by a bunch of people who hid in their ice-color respirators and gowns.

And Jesus, this place was too fucking freezing, too white, too bright… Just like the woods. The snowfield...

She suddenly hated being conscious in this situation.

"Olivia? You ok?"

"Yeah." She nodded to the nurse, even managed a smile, "Ye-yes."

"Good. Now, I'm gonna give you something to make sure you won't feel pain. And considering the injury of your head, I can only do the local anesthesia, which means, a shot in your spine. Ok?"

"No." Olivia swallowed, "NO dddrugs."

Everyone looked at her.

The nurse squeezed her hand a little, "It's totally safe, not going to harm you."

"N-no."

"Miss," a male doctor in his thirtieth stepped over, "it's gonna be painful. Trust me, just take the shot."

"I c-can h-hhandle... don't wwant be... numb."

"Olivia..."

"You heard her," the doctor lowered his voice, "this one is 'special', remember? Don't push too hard, according to her doc."

Soon, Olivia felt someone touched her leg.

"Miss, relax, we need to set your legs up to the stand."

Ok, she knew what they were doing, and did appreciate the gentleness. But her entire body couldn't stop flinching.

"It's ok, don't move around, please."

The minute feeling her private place exposed, Olivia suddenly lose her hearing.

_What's going on here? Where am I? Why is it so damn quiet and cold? _

"_Hey, you just can't wait to be fucked, can you?"_

_No, no, I've already out of the woods... It's not true..._

_But she felt him, right beside her face. _

"_Get the fuck off me!"_

"_SHUT UP!" he shouted, "I already did you, remember? God, you're so tight, wet, and sluty." _

_He laughed, with his tongue licking her ear and his hands rubbing her burning clit roughly. _

"_No, no... Don't do it... don't…!"_

...

"Olivia! You still here?"

Suddenly, she heard the nurse.

"Doc, I think she's having the flashbacks!"

"Uh..." Olivia gasped and coughed, grabbing the nurse's hand immediately, "... mmmm... "

"Can you hear me? Breathe, yeah, in and out... Good... You're ok? Can we... Doctor, do you think we can go on?"

Olivia finally got her breath back. "I... I'm..." She sniffed, struggling for not let the tears down, though the tears had been all over her face. Honestly, her courage was cracking. Every inch of her body, especially the weak muscles of her legs, trembled like being electroshock, and her stomach was turning.

Yeah, being a SVU detective for over 11 years, nobody knew it better than her, what it was. The "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder". Let alone, she had dealt with it couple years ago literally. However, all the things she learned from experience, were gone now, leaving her trapped helplessly in these flooding reactions of her body.

Anyway, she knew she had to do this.

"Go... on... "

"You sure? Olivia," the nurse whispered to her ear, "if you wanna change your mind, it's not too late."

Olivia clenched her teeth.

_C'mon, you can beat this. _

"Ke-keep g-g-goin'… hurry..."

" Hurry, huh?" The other nurse groaned, "It depends on you, Lady. You stop moving around, so we could possibly be quick."

"Sorry."

"Before the dilatation and curettage of uterine, your vulvae need to be sterilized, ok? which means, you'll feel a little cold."

But Olivia was just too busy of pulling herself together, to really catch what they said. For her, everything happened without any warning, like a horrible shock coming from nowhere.

Literally, as the sudden pouring of the cold iodophor touching her skin, Olivia almost jumped up.

She twitched violently, waving her arms in the air.

"What the f-... is the epileptic fit?" the doctor cursed, grasping Olivia's thighs immediately, "Hold her still! NOW!"

Everyone rushed up, pinning their patient down.

"Get her sedated?"

"No," the doc shook head, "she has the craniocerebral trauma. Tranquillizers could be risky. Put some gauze in her mouth, protect her tongue from being bit, turning her head aside, and," He frowned, glancing at Olivia, "...let it pass."

* * *

><p>Out of the operation room, Alex sighed to see Elliot walking away, answering his fourth call in 20 minutes. From his face, she knew it must come from Kathy again.<p>

And this time, when he hung up and turned back, she saw the "I have to go" in his eyes.

"Eliot, don't tell me you're leaving."

He masked in guilty. "I'm afraid..."

"Wh-... Is Kathy alright?"

"She, uh, she's not good, stomachache all the time. Damn, I feel like an ass..." he leaned back to the wall.

"Ok, if Kathy really needs you... Go." she took off her glasses, squeezed her sour eyes shut, "though, you're the first people Olivia wants to see after finishing this."

He turned his back to her, facing the wall, hadn't said anything for a long moment.

"Do you still want to divorce Kathy?"

Elliot felt his heart skipped a beat. This question was totally out of his expectation.

"Never mind." Alex looked away. "Go home, Elliot. I'll call you as soon as she's out."

"Kathy is in bad shape." He said, with his forehead on the wall, "She's been staying in bed for days. The pregnancy in her age is really tough." He let out a deep breath, "She's my wife, still, the mother of my kids, carrying my blood and flesh, Alex. I-I... don't know if I'm getting old or something... I feel like losing the ball to break my old life and rebuilt a new one. Especially after… you don't know how terrified I got whenever thinking, dreaming about what happened in that club..."

"So, I take it's a 'no' for my previews question?"

He turned around, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't want to talk about this with you."

"You don't or you don't know?"

"Damn, Alex, could you give me a break?"

Alex rose to her feet.

At the same time, Elliot's cellphone rang.

"Hey, Liz... what?... Take it easy and say it slowly, sweetheart... oh, uh...shit... has she taken her pills?... what? Ok, I'm on my way, baby. You call 911 now, and help her lie back in the bed, ok? Dad will call you back in a minute."

"Go, just go, I know." Alex sat back down, massaging her throbbing temple.

Elliot was about to said something, but ended up a sigh, standing there with his hands on his hips.

"Go... now, I'll call you as soon as she's out."

"Please tell her, I'm sorry..."

**-5 minutes later-**

Alex took a glance at her watch.

_Damn, it's been only 30 minutes, but why feels like hours?_

After Elliot left, she seemed to be the only one sitting in the hall, suddenly realized how quite the winter world was. Here was quite enough for her to even hear the wind and the heartbeats of her own.

Staring out the window, her mind drifted away.

_So, what the tomorrow gonna be? Sure thing is, she'll recover, go home, retire... Right, retire. And she's gonna move on, continue to live her life... _

_Her life. _

The word of "life" felt pale and unknown.

Alex blinked, mind turning blank.

"Is anyone waiting for Olivia Benson here?"

Suddenly, a nurse holding the door of operation room, called out.

"Yeah?"

Alex stood up, feeling her throat lost all the wetness.

"We need to stop the surgery. Could you come in to see her?"

_Oh no…_

She felt weak at the knees. "W-What does it mean? Is she..."

"Oh, don't worry. We've gotten her stabled now. But, if we want to cancel the abortion, we need the permission from the patient. And she's crying for something nobody can understand. So,"

Alex swallowed hard, feeling her heart slowly dropped back in place. "Yes... yes I'll see her."

But just as the first moment seeing Olivia, the blond's heart jumped up to beat in her throat, again.

Olivia was crying, shaking and coughing, with her both wrists tied on the table.

Alex made a bee line to her, kneeing down, holding Olivia's death-pale face with her shaking hands. "God... What the hell happened?..."

Olivia was murmuring something wearily, with sweat and tears all over her death-pale face.

Alex felt her blood rushed straightly upward. "Why the fuck did you tied her? Is this necessary?"

"Miss, she was having an epileptic fit..."

"So you guys just treat like a psycho? You cold blood fuckers!" Alex shouted, blinking her tears out, so she could see clearly and get Olivia's hands out.

"Honey, look at me. Everything's over now, you hear me? It's over."

As soon as her hand got free, Olivia grasped on Alex's hand. "Mmm, uuuhhmmm…."

"Say slowly, breath, breath," the blond gently raised Olivia's head a little up.

"I-I... " her voice was nearly inaudible.

Alex leaned closer, "take all the time you need, honey."

"Sto-t-top... ss-s-sorry-…ccan't..."

"Things are done here, I swear."

"E-El..." she squeezed on Alex's hand, with her eyes closing tightly, "dd-d-d-ddon't... ww… ge-… yya… tr-troub…"

_She thinks I'm Elliot?_

"Liv, it's me, Alex. Look at me."

But she seemed didn't even hear her, "… cc-c-an't... El… sor-r-... dd-don'-... m-mm-mean t-to..."

"What did she say?" the doctor asked.

"She said," Alex studied the woman in her arms.

_Did she just say "El, don't want to get you in trouble… sorry, don't mean to…"? _

_What does this mean? _

"Miss?"

"She said, she changed mind, doc. We are done here."

-TBC-

* * *

><p><strong>Alright. Thanks for reading. It's really a long chapter, and I hope you like it.<strong>

**Please please please review~~~~(ps: be gentle~) love you:)**


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

**ok, so, this is an important chapter. Somthing big happened.**

* * *

><p><span>-another several days later-<span>

Leaning back in her wheelchair, Olivia let her dry smile fall as soon as waving goodbye to Fin, Month and her captain, watching the door closed with a click.

Finally...

She was losing it. One more minute, just one more minute and she would possibly throw something over, yelling them out.

_What the problem with you, Benson. They just come to congratulate you're going home today. _

It wasn't that she didn't miss the crew. She loved every one of them, she really did. But didn't know since when, the brunette started to hate seeing people.

She hated how well everyone acted like nothing ever changed, like she just got two black eyes due do some hero-like things making the world better. More than that, she hated how clearly finding herself started to believe them, then ended up being kicked back to he merciless reality as soon as they leaving her alone.

Thank God she was going home today. Finally, it was possible for her to hide into some private hole, locking the whole damn world out.

"Knock, knock." Alex grinned playfully, coming in. "Eliot's waiting down stairs. And, one last thing," she pulled out a fur shawl from the big bag hanging on her shoulder, raising an eyebrow, "girl, you never wore it, did you?"

Olivia recognized it was the Christmas gift from the counselor, two years ago.

She blushed, "Well..., I, uh..."

"You hurt my feeling, so," The blond squatted down beside the wheelchair, gently wrapping the huge shawl around Olivia's skinny shoulders, and fixing the blanket covering on her lap, "you gonna wear it now, to please me."

It felt so soft and warm.

Olivia looked down to the beautiful flaxen fur, "Alex, I-"

"Hey, I was just kidding. C'mon, let's go." She squeezed the brunette's hand before stood up.

But Olivia caught her wrist, "I do love it. I just hate to wea-wear it running in the d-ddirty alley, ch-chasing rats. I'm a c-c-cop... was." she corrected herself.

"It's ok, sweetheart," Alex bended down and hugged her from behind. "You deserve all kinds of gorgeous things anyway."

_Do I?_

"Can we... g-g-go now?" her voice was flat.

"Yeah, sure."

* * *

><p>They waited the elevator in silent, ignoring all the noise around as people gathering.<p>

Alex could tell, the brunette was getting uncomfortable. But was it physical or mental?

After the door opened, they got in, heading to the corner against the wall, followed by a bunch of people. Olivia felt her surrounding started to spin as soon as the elevator moving. Somehow, the crowded room got her cop mood kicked in. She couldn't help but watching all the people surrounded one by one.

_What if HE was one of them? _

There were too many people here. Sitting in the wheelchair, blocked by two big guys, she was not able to see any other people. Olivia widened eyes, didn't dare to blink.

Alex noticed the brunette was gripping the edge of the armrests so tightly that her knuckles turned white.

"Liv, you ok?"

At this moment, the elevator stopped and opened its door.

Olivia flinched. The coldness gave her a shiver as soon as the brunette hitting the chilly air. She took a deep breath, wrapping her shawl more tightly.

"Hey, are you alright?" Alex squatted down, taking off her own woolen cap and gently putting it on Olivia's head.

"I'm ff-fine." She squeezed a little smile, but still peeping on the people around.

Seeing Alex wheeling the brunette coming to him, under the stunning early spring sunlight, Elliot felt everything moved in the slow motion.

It was impossible that anything was more beautiful than this in the world. Yeah, maybe she was a little pale, small to be the Olivia he remembered, but, she was alive.

Alive, and living in the same world with him.

"You just didn't bother to move your ass, huh?"

Before he knew it, they had approaching.

Alex's voice sounded annoyed, but her face showing the opposite.

"Sorry, two gorgeous stars blinded my eyes." He flattered, peeking Alex rolled her eyes, while Olivia looking at somewhere behind him with her narrowed eyes.

He turned the direction. There was nothing unusual.

"Okay, let's get going, ladies." Elliot bent down to Olivia, "C'mon, you're chattering teeth." He carefully got her attention, reaching his arms out slowly, "May I?"

Holding the backseat door open, Alex helped the burly detective carry his former partner up, and get her into the car carefully.

All the way, the brunette kept her face away from him as far as possible.

Bending into the car, Elliot's hand stopped in the midway of pulling the safety-belt for her, "I think it's gonna press your wound," he turned over, only seeing Olivia frowned with her eyes shut.

His heart sank_._

_It is the pain, or, me? _

"Forget it." He whispered and let go of the belt.

* * *

><p>Later, Elliot pulled the car over in the parking lot of Olivia's apartment building. Killing the engine, he peeped into the mirror, finding in surprise that Olivia was still keeping her eyes wide open, staring out the window.<p>

"Wow, welcome home," Alex smiled. But the brunette acted like didn't hear her at all. "Liv?"

"Shhh." Olivia turned to the blond, shutting her up with serious face. "That To-Toyota, see?"

It got Alex's heart quickened. She looked out.

Yeah, a blue Toyota parked about 30 meters away behind.

"It's be-been following... us."

Elliot held his breath, thinking hard. While driving slowly, he'd paid extra attentions on their back. And that Toyota... he narrowed eyes.

"Stay with her, Alex."

With that, Elliot got out, as Alex bending over, locking the door of Olivia's side.

She caught the brunette's hand slipped to her hip. "Liv, relax. It more like a random car."

Olivia cursed under her breath, hand sticking on the emptiness of her hip. "No, it isn't." She murmured, eyes never left Elliot, who was heading back now.

He knocked the window on the blond's side.

"Everything's ok?"

"Just a grandma..."

"What?" Olivia kept turning back and forth between Elliot and the blue car. "I sw-wear-"

"Liv... look at me," he got her attention, "I've been watching all the way very carefully, no one follows us. And listen, no one knows you transferred to New York, to Mercy, not even the nurse and doctors back there, alright? Let alone here. You're totally safe, trust me, I'm not gonna let anything happen to you ever again, ok?"

Gazing into his eyes, a sudden frustration and anger mixed with calm, washing over the brunette. These were the same eyes he used to talking with the victims.

"Don't you l-look at me like th-this... uh!" she unlocked the door, trying to open it, but ended up crying out in pain.

"Watch your wound!" Elliot called out, feeling his heart cracked with guiltiness.

Fuck. She just wanted to storm out, slamming the door hard to his face.

But instead, the ice-cold reality slammed to her face right away.

_Even got the door open, then what? Hug the ground?_

Olivia chewed on her lower lip, chuckled, quietly waiting for the pain pass, while some part of her soul only hurt more.

* * *

><p>As soon as her head hit the pillow, the overwhelming exhaustion swallowed Olivia like a whale swallowed the shrimps. Though, she wanted so badly to enjoy her sweet home. Obviously someone had done a great job on tidying here.<p>

"Lex, I..."

"I know, I know, 'messy is comfort'," the blond smiled, pulling the covers up to Olivia's chin, "It didn't take me much time, really, I just want you to feel fresh and warm... "

"I do." It wasn't a lie. She only hated how pale her words were. "tha-thank you."

It made the counselor escaped her eyes. "My pleasure, sweetie" she raised to her feet, "you just rest. I'll wake you up in lunch time."

Seeing the brunette closing her eyes, Alex dropped her smile.

_It's easy to tidy her bedroom, her counter... but how about her mind?_

Back to the living room, Elliot handed over a glass of water.

"Alex," he sat on the couch, rubbing his freezing face with both hand, "bet you noticed, too. She'd been way too alert since we hit the road."

She had a sip of the water, "No, since the day she knew about being stalked."

"I have to... God, can't believe we're having this conversation again. She HAS the right to know, Alex, it is her life he's threatening."

"You talk like she's still the same Olivia you've been worked with… Never mind, just… Where's her backup weapon?"

"What?" he narrowed eyes.

"I saw her hand reached her hip while you were out to check up that car."

Elliot scanned her eyes, "It's just the cop instinct. Nothing special."

"Yeah, the instinct... But Elliot, you know how terrible things could be, when a victim has a gun in hand."

The detective stilled.

_Shit..._

"I-I... It's ridiculous," He squeezed his eyes shut, frowning, "I don't think... I don't think she has a personal weapon though."

"11 years and you have no idea about your partner's weapon."

"I-" he was about to snap something, heard the knock on the door.

"Hey, Alex."

It was Kathy, with a lunch box in her hand.

"Oh, Kathy, you don't need to-" Alex turned around, shooting Elliot an annoyed face, "Let your pregnant wife do the delivery. Really?"

"It had to be me, cuz the trout soup wasn't ready when he left." Kathy smiled her mommy smile, heading straightly to the counter. "Is she sleeping? How is she?"

"We just settled things down couple minutes ago. She's exhausted, but, yeah, better." Elliot took a glance at the half closed door of bedroom, before turning to his wife, "Uh, it's still warm, isn't it?"

"Of course. It's hot."

"You want her to have some now?" Alex asked, suddenly feeling a little hungry as soon as Kathy opened the lunch box. "God, it smells like heaven."

"But she's asleep..."

"She just lay down, and didn't eat anything for breakfast." Alex said, walking to the bedroom, "Let me ask her."

Elliot came to the counter, pouring a glass of water, and handing to Kathy. "She loves anything you make."

"Sure she does. I'm a talented chef who 'accidentally' is a nurse." She raised an eyebrow, making air quotes.

He gazed into these light blue eyes, a little shocked with how limpid they were.

"Thank you..." He was sincere, but feeling somehow odd right away, as if suddenly he and Olivia became a "we", while Kathy turned out an outsider. "I mean..."

"It's ok, Elliot, you know we are family," she kinda enjoyed his appreciate, guilty face, and added quickly, "the three of us."

Elliot paused. _The three of us?_

"A small bowl would be fine." Alex pulled the bedroom door close behind, coming to them. "And she said 'thank you' , Kathy."

"I'm so glad she like it. And her baby needs the energy, too." Kathy said, smirking a little to her husband.

"Yeah." He smiled to cover the confusing.

A moment later, Alex came out holding the empty bowl, seeing Elliot and Kathy were in the door way with their belongings.

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah, we uh..."

"I go warm the car first. See you, Alex." Kathy smiled her farewell and left.

Elliot let out a breath, feeling kind of released. "Ok, so..." His eyes found the counselor again, "call me, whenever you need, 24/7, you know." His eyes were worried.

"I will."

"Yeah. And," he stole a peep to the direction of Kathy's footsteps, before lowered whispered, "take care of her."

"Elliot, you know I care about her as much as you do."

"Sure... sure." He nodded slowly, but shook his head right away, "Jesus, I just can't stop worrying about... so many things..." _such__as__how__do__you__help__her__have__bath,__move__around...__and..._

"I know what you mean." Alex leaned on the frame of the door, sighed, "I can handle her weight, and, she's getting better anyway. So, just have some faith on me. Will ya?"

"Fine... But Alex, that son of a bitch is still out there. You really need to be careful. Lock the door and windows, stay alert, see anything unusual, anything, you give me a call immediately. Ok?" his face was serious and concern.

"Yeah, I know. And I'll be cool by the way, she's way too jumpy. You know. You guys just... catch the bastard quickly."

It made him pinch the bridge of his nose, sighed heavily. "Is-, uh, is she asleep?"

"I don't know, but probably. Wh-, you wanna-"

"No, no, I just... never mind." He half smiled, turned to leave. "I'll call you."

* * *

><p>After the couple left, Alex went to the small market down the building, brought some food back, and put everything got from the hospital in place.<p>

All the time, she was thinking about the gun.

But she knew better of the moody Olivia these days. It was definitely a bad idea to snoop behind her back...

_Or... get her permission at first? Oh, C'mon...You're gonna piss her off, Cabot... forget it. Plus, maybe the gun doesn't even exist. _

She let out a breath, running her hand through her hair.

At this moment, some noise came from the bedroom.

She froze.

_Shit. The nightmare. _

Alex rushed in, seeing the brunette was twitching slightly under the cover with sweat all over her face.

She quickened her breath in panic.

_Damn. Hope it won't trigger the epileptic. She needs to wake up._

But Alex stopped her hand in the midway of patting Olivia's face. Not only because she'd learned her lesson of not to touch her out of preparing, but she knew how precious the sleep was for the sick woman.

"... Ymmm... I-... " Olivia was murmuring something, eyes rolling quickly under her eyelids. "...get r-... me..."

Alex sat down on the edge of her bed, carefully reached the back Olivia's hand, "honey?"

To her surprise, the brunette gripped her fingers immediately. "can't! … w-w-we can't... Fuc-, El... I can't... sto-... hate y-..."

Alex narrowed her eyes. _What__the__hell__is__she__dreaming__about?__El?__Elliot?_

"E-lli... don't... don-, touch me..."

This time, she heard it clearly, which made her heart almost stop.

_What the fuck? Is she confusing things and together? _

Now, Olivia gripped even harder, fingernails sinking deeply into Alex's skin, and her breath got faster and shallower, "El... Sto-… Stop... no! NO..."

Ok. Things were getting creepy, making the hair on the back of Alex's back stand out. Now she couldn't wait anymore.

"Shit... Hey, Liv, wake up. Liv, honey," With the help with her other hand, Alex drew her aching fingers out. "C'mon, Olivia, open your eyes! It's just a dream. Wake up!" she raised her voice, patting on Olivia's cheek.

But it didn't work at all. The brunette even twitched more violently, couching, choking, and her face turned snow white soon.

"Damn. Olivia! Open your eyes! C'mon, it's not real! Just a d-"

Before the last word getting out, the brunette suddenly jerked her eyes wild open,

She froze, seemed like some terrified animal staring at Alex blankly. And all of a sudden, she swung her head to the bedside, throwing up.

Things happened too fast, Alex didn't even have a chance to drag the trash can over. "Oh, God... Wh- ok, ok... just let it out, sweetie..." she quickly wrapped her arm around Olivia's shaking shoulders, supporting her weight. "It's almost over, just... let it all out..."

All the fish soup got out, but the brunette was still heaving.

Finally, she collapsed breathlessly in Alex's arms.

"God... It's over now, honey, it's over... you're ok now."

Alex whispered over and over again, while knowing the woman in her embrace was far from ok. All the creepy words she moaned a minute ago, were still hovering around.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah..."

"Ok, then, you have some rest. Let me deal with this."

Alex helped the brunette to lie back down, before heading to the bathroom.

Soon, she cleaned the floor, washed her own hands, and brought both of them some water.

Back to the bedroom, she found Olivia started to sob.

"Shhhh, honey," set the glasses on the table, Alex sitting down on the edge of the bed. "What did you dream about? Want to talk?"

No surprise, Olivia shook her head.

"Liv, I heard you... " the blond hesitated. She didn't mean to push, but God, her gut said something might be really wrong. "Is it about... Elliot?"

"No." Olivia turned away immediately.

Alex knew the sudden movement caused pain. But seemed the brunette didn't even care.

"No? It's not the first time. I mean-" Alex chased these brown eyes, till they squeezed shut. "Liv, I apology for being harsh but I have to say, seems all the worst nightmares have something to do with him. Why-... you're mixing things together, or he really did-"

"Stop!" Olivia shot her teary glare over. "I w-ww-wanna be al-l-llone."

Blue eyes studied the brown carefully.

Soon, Alex felt her own tears waving, while watching Olivia bit on her quiver lip so hard attempting to hold the sob.

"Jesus, silly, tell me it is not what I'm thinking... please. You know you're gonna tell me sooner or later." Alex found her numb hands couldn't help but reach out, cupping Olivia's wet face.

"Go away!" The brunette shoved her off, "G-Get out!" she supported her upper body with an shaking elbow, couched.

Alex stepped backward to the door, almost stumbled.

But she just couldn't walk away.

"Ok, ok, I stand here. But you know I can't walk away like this. It's killing me..." leaning against the door, she clenched teeth, "You can't hide things forever, Liv. Long before this... undercover happened, I've already sensed something unusual here , back to the day I moved in, remember? But you refused to talk about, which I understand. And then you... you never got the chance to explain, which I still understand. But as a detective, bet you know when the puzzle pieces dancing on a same plane for too long, some of them would probably put together by chance and start to make sense." She paused, finding Olivia's eyes, "You mean a lot to me, Liv, how could you expect me to just ignore the truth and pretend blind? I can't!"

The brunette collapsed back down, looking everywhere but the blond.

"Tell me, what the hell happened between you and Elliot? Did he hurt you?"

"Please... I-I-I-, don't... know." Her voice was not more than a whisper.

Alex stilled, couldn't believe her ears. Yeah, she actually felt guilty for setting traps in the question as soon as she finishing, but God, her entire heart was waiting for her laughing and snapping.

Now, nothing.

The brunette didn't say no..., didn't deny it.

"What?"

"I'm no-not sure... We,..." Olivia paused a long while, long enough to kill the counselor. "...had se-sex."

"Hell no." Alex groaned, despite some part of her was not surprised about things turned out the way sexual. Anyway, the S-word coming out of the very mouth of the brunette, still stabbed her hard. "The hell it was 'sex', Olivia. Classic bruises are all over your body, and you call it 'sex'?"

"YES!" the elder woman yelled, "rough, w-wi-wild, sex!"

"BULL!" Alex felt her blood boiled like some lava and then froze to ice in the twinkling of an eye. She slammed her palms hard against the door, pushing herself off, "Just tell me, was it consensual? You happy with that?"

"I l-liked it!.. I h-hhhhad orgasm!... Satisfied?"

Silence.

The whole world sank into death silent, which made the only thing audible was the slight tick of their teardrops falling.

Alex froze there, biting on the inside of her lower lip unconsciously, as if trying to distract the throbbing pain on her heart.

Until some sudden thought burst in her mind.

In 1/1000 second, Alex felt like being electrocuted.

"Don't tell me it's the reason you want to keep the..." her voice quivered, "Oh God, oh, God..." She took a breath, forced a choking whisper, "...S-, Stabler is the father, isn't he?"

Olivia pressed her lips together.

The rage exploded inside the counselor immediately. "Oh, FUCK...! I'm so sick of your silence, Olivia, talk to me! Is it why you decided to keep the baby, right?"

"You s-sstay out of it!" she shot her glare over.

"Does he know it?" Alex stepped closer, raising her voice again, "Does that son of bitch have any idea that he raped his partner and knocked her up?"

Olivia struggled and sat up, "Y-Y-You…, d…don'- ..."

"Oh," Alex covered her sob with her hand, "Yeah, how the fuck a rapist doesn't know who he fucked... bet he's just playing dumb, isn't he? The hell of a SVU detective..."

"Sto-stop... plea-" with one shaky elbow supported her body, Olivia's another hand reached out, waving in the air, and her voice was almost inaudible.

"Liv!" Alex rushed over and caught the brunette in time, before she falling out of the bed. "... Lie back, yeah, breath..."

The brunette took a long moment to catch up her breath, "It w-wasn't r-rape, Alex... He... kn-knows the b-baby... (couch, couch)..." Alex was about to say something, but Olivia gripped her arm, "... we, tal-talk 'bout it, be-before the, ab-bbortion OP... (couch) ... have made, our de-decisions, so... plea-lease, Lex... I-I, just w-want to... move... on."

With these words sinking, Alex closed her eyes tightly, started to sob.

She felt sad, angry, and most of all, betrayed.

What kind of fucking cop, fucking man was capable of this ugly, shameless, animal thing to his partner? His 11, years, partner for God's sake. And she... she was still defending him like she always did in these 11 years.

_It hurt too much. _

Before this moment, she couldn't even imagine the so called "heartbroken" actually hurt like this. This cruel pain was not only mental, also physical.

"You sound like a victim, you know that?" Words just burst from Alex, calmly, "Been through so damn much, from the first day we met till now, it's the first time I see the victim in you, Liv. Not the day you told me about Sealview, nor the day I waited for you outside the surgery, but now. Why you still cover for him? Is it the... Stockholm syndrome or something? Cuz the Olivia Benson I've known for ten years is better than this, nothing like this!"

"S-Sh-Shut up!"

Olivia looked up. Just one single look, and she was offended by the disappointment and sympathy waving in these blue eyes.

"Who... the fuck you th-think you are?" she couched, doing her best to push Alex away, "Li-lllisten. I'm... NOT d-d-ddefending... anyone, and yyyou don-don't know a damn thing... 'bout me... and I-I, I'm NOT a vi-vi-vvictim!" The brunette yelled with her entire body trembled in anger. "You wan-wanna know? F-FFine! I tell you... Th-That day, he wwa-was dddrun-k, so we ma-made out. I fu-fucked him rou-roughly e-even bef-fffore we hit hi-his bb-bed! I cou-couldn't help, ok? No, we co-c-couldn't, cuz we're m-mmore than par-partners..."

"STOP! You LIER!" The blond shouted and stumbled back, "look at my eyes and tell me it wasn't rape, or I-"

"I'd li-like to kee-keep his baby!... You t-tttell me."

With that, the counselor nodded once in silent, turned around, and walked straightly out of the house, leaving the door slamming behind.

(TBC)

* * *

><p><strong>Will our Alex do something? <strong>

**and what do you feel about this chapter? tell me, please~**


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

**ok, something's gonna to happen. **

**enjoy:)**

**(thanks all my dear readers here!)**

* * *

><p>"<em>We talked about it... He knows... <em>

"…_Cuz we're more than partners..._

"_Who the hell you think you are?..."_

...

They were not words, but knives, hammers, fires... killing the counselor over and over again... till a sudden wind slammed her hard, kicking her back into the reality.

_Shit. _

What time was it now? Why the sun hid behind buildings, throwing its long cold shadows across the roads?

She stunned with how fast the day slipped away.

Looking around, Alex found she was standing on the street now, without her coat. And the tears on her face felt like turning to ice, freezing her eyes and skin.

_Damn, I've been gone this far? Where am I going?_

Right. She was heading to that son of a bitch, to punch him, kill him, then throw his body thousand miles away to feed wolfs or something, so that nobody would find. Really, she even thrilled with the thought and didn't give a damn about anything else anymore. It might be technically the first time she truly understood the criminals she put in the jail with her own hands.

_My hands. _

She looked down at her open palms, then her feet.

_But I stand here._

She started to feel the coldness sinking into every bone of her body, making her numb.

_No, Cabot, no... _

The ADA inside her, squeezed shut the screams coming from her dark urge, which also ripped her wound up.

"_I like it! _

"…_more than partners..._

"_Who the hell you think you are?..."_

_..._

_Yeah, who the hell you think you are, Cabot._

But even it was consensual, even... still, how dare he? So he just fucked her, had fun, encouraged the abortion, and now turned back to be some fucking friend acting like nothing happened?

"_We've made our decisions..._

"_I just wanna move on..."_

Like this, Alex's mind was trapped in some circle, turning and turning, thinking and thinking, which made her sweat up and cool down again and again.

Soon, her brain shut down.

Mind blanked, teeth chattered, the next thing she knew, was her legs were carrying her into a bar.

* * *

><p>One was for warming up, two was thirsty, and then came up with the third, fourth... before Alex knew it, the bar tender had hesitated her bottle. "Hey, gorgeous, you come alone?"<p>

It took Alex a while to focus.

The brown haired tender was pretty. She was in her early thirtieth, long hair, perfect skin, and a little pale.

Somehow, she reminded her of Olivia.

"Leave me alone." Anyway, she was not in that mood.

The tender smirked, pouring another one for the blond, "Take it easy, lady. I figure, something might be bothering you, but," she leaned forward to the side of Alex's cheek, whispered, "... is it about a woman?"

This time, Alex took a good look at the pretty girl, whose eyes seemed much mature than her age. "No," she chuckled slightly.

"Okay... I just thought you uh, having problems with your, girlfriend or something."

"Girlfriend?" she couldn't help but smiled, "You mean… Oh, why? I have that kinda... vibe?"

"Wow, I'm sorry, if I-"

Alex cut her off quickly, "No, I'm flattered, really, I just... curious."

"Ok, you uh... C'mon, I'm sure it's not the first time people think you're lesbian." The brunette rolled her eyes playfully.

Alex smiled, "You're... good. Though, last time was... never mind. But, how? Why?"

The younger woman seemed flushed a little, "...I just know."

Now, Alex eased her frown. "You are lesbian?"

Their eyes met, which accidentally making the blond kind of confused with who she was talking to.

God, she was really... something.

_Stop it, Cabot, you're drunk. Since when every brunette you met started to remind you of her?_

"Anyway, speaking of you, I know it's private, but... Really, you're not gonna drink shit things off, you know that. In addition, it's your first time here, and alone, so, why don't you save a little wine, and have a little talk with me? P.S. I'm Nancy."

Alex held these dark eyes for a moment, feeling her guard cracked.

Yeah, a random bar, a random girl, who would certainly turn to be a totally stranger tomorrow and disappear in the city forever...

"Call me Alex... Uh, Gosh, I'm such a..." putting down her glass, Alex took a long breath, "Hell. Yes, Nancy, it is about a woman."

The brunette groaned, "Hey! You told me-"

"No, no, I'm not gay. We're just friends. Well, the BFF."

"Ok, if you say so. And then?"

"Let me think..." she blinked hard. God, there couldn't be anything more ridiculous than having this kinda conversation with someone totally strange. "...Long story short. She just confessed to me this afternoon that she... slept with her p-... colleague and the baby she's carrying, is his," she took a sip of her wine, before continued, "...which it's not the worst part. I feel, I suspend, that he... he raped her."

"Oh God..."

"I," Thank God she was not so drunk to over talk about her job, "... He hurt her, physically... I saw the bruises. Though, she said they did it... roughly." she shook her head, cracked a bitter smile, "She lied to me. I know that."

"Wait a minute." Nancy paused, "I think... Look, I barely know you and your friend, but as a woman I'd say, sometimes, the 'bed things' are kinda... tricky. Especially with someone you have feelings..."

"You're wrong." Alex shook her head immediately. "They're just business partners, let alone that son of a bitch is a father of fo-, five kids and a husband with a pregnant wife!"

Nancy stunned with the sudden reaction of the older woman. Soon, a light smile crossed the corner of her mouth, "Is that jealous in your eyes?"

Alex froze.

"Go to hell." The counselor leaned to stand up.

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry about that ok? I apologize." Nancy grabbed the bottle over, "this one's on me. C'mon..." she lowered voice, "I'm not do this to every customer, ok? I can tell, you do care a lot about her. Seriously, Alex, I'm not messing around or making fun of you. I'm not."

Alex sighed heavily, sat back. "Whatever... The hell you can understand. You're just a-"

"It's not about me. Don't you get it? Really, you better take a really good look at yourself, your feelings. I mean-"

"'Feelings'..." Alex sniffed, lifting the glass up to her mouth again, "Feelings are luxuries for the people trudging through hell, sweetheart."

"Fine. But if you don't count on this," She pointed the glass in Alex's hand. "...to solve your problems, so don't count on me neither. Let's talk about YOU here, ok? Your broken heart, your upset... Look, so many things happened, and she kept you completely in dark, even lied to you... but have you ever asked yourself, what hurt you the most?" she paused a second, waiting for her words to sink, "Would she rather throw her heart to that guy, acquiescing him to tear it up for fun, than let you hold it and warm it with your entire soul. Is it what it is?"

Staring at these brown eyes, Alex felt like being shot in the chest through and through.

…_tear it up for fun, than let you hold it and warm it with your entire soul..._

_Hold it, and warm it… with your entire soul…_

_Entire, soul…_

Chewing the words slowly in her mind, the blond felt her eyes blurred with tears slowly.

_I must be drunk, so very much drunk... God how could I break down in front of some teenage girl? _

Not sure it was the alcohol, the dim light, or the heartbreaking background music, after trying her best to brush the tears away as unnoticeably as possible, Alex gave up on the intention eventually.

Good thing was, Nancy shut her mouth and slipped away.

For ADA Cabot, it really shocked her deeply to experiencing such a rushing, sudden cry. These tears were hot, salt, felt like blood coming from her heart.

It hurt so much.

For all her life, she'd never been a sensitive woman, never spent time on doing any emotions analyzing. Because she believed that life was too short and too precious to be wasted on the self-disturb. But now, her heart felt like... waking up?

_You're anatomized by a damn tender. _

But no matter how desperately she was trying to deny, a part of her just succumbed.

_Really, am I jealous? _

A cold wind coming from behind, hit the back of her neck.

Alex flinched, turning to see if the front door was opened or something.

At that moment, everything turned in slow motion as a familiar figure walked in.

Rising to her feet like a robot, the counselor felt all the alcohol in her blood burned out in a twinkling of an eye.

"Stabler?"

As soon as Elliot turned around, he barely recognized the woman, whose eyes were wet, red, and face was nothing but a mask of rage.

"Alex...?"

She bit her lower lip hard, clenching fists, did her best to fight back the burning urge of slamming him while thousand thoughts dancing in her mind.

"Come to drink again, huh? Good. I ask you something, Stabler. If you give me a single word of lie, I'll twist your head off right now!"

The blond scared him. He swallowed hard, ignoring peoples' eyes on his back, "What's going on? Why you- Is Liv ok-"

"Shut up and listen." She gritted teeth, "What the hell happened before the undercover?"

"WWhat?"

Seeing the confusing and panic flashing in his eyes, Alex felt her breath quickened. She took a step forward standing toe to toe with him, "Tell me how you son of a bitch got the bruises all over your partner's body, and how you screw her heartlessly like some rapist did!"

Her accusation dropped like a bomb, almost shocking Elliot to deaf.

He stood perfectly still for a moment, face lost its normal color. "What, what you're talking about-" before he finished, a slam crossed his face.

"The night you were drunk you son of a bitch! What did you do to Olivia?"

Now, Elliot felt like being thrown into an ice pool all of a sudden. Thousand pieces of memory exploded in his mind as his entire body turned to wood.

"Hey, blondie, need me to call the cops for you?" A guy yelled over.

"No bother! He IS a c-"

"Alex," Elliot gripped her arm, "let's..." he whispered like self-talking, leading the counselor to the door.

It started to rain outside, cold and wet, but Alex didn't felt it at all.

"What the hell are y-... That night? How, what happened to her? She, she didn't..." he kept licking on his lips, looked at everywhere and nowhere.

Alex watched his movements with cold eyes, "You're really good at this, aren't you? After all the years learning from your perps, detective..." she raised her voice suddenly, "The night she picked your drunk ass from a bar, maybe from here I suppose? The next day, I saw the typical bruises on her arms, neck, waist... and she acted weird."

Just one second of picturing his injured partner, made his heart ache. "Bruises... What, weird... how?"

"Weird like a damn vic but Olivia Benson!"

"But you talked to her, right? What did she say?"

"Fuck you Stabler!" Alex shouted, "I'm asking YOU! Just tell me what the hell you did to her that night! Tell me NOW or on the court!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" he yelled back, before lowered his head, whispering almost inaudibly, "I don't... know. I don't..."

Alex scanned him carefully, "Don't worry. I'll MAKE you know." With that, she walked.

"I remember, I kissed her on the backseat... she, she fell on top of me, and, and we kissed," he seemed didn't hear her at all, kept talking to himself.

Alex stopped.

"Then, I passed out, I think. And the next thing... I-I got home, she was with me, but... but she left? Yes, she left. I was alone the next morning, with, wi-" _with__pants__hanging__around__my__hip.._. Jaw dropped, he met her cool eyes, "No. No. It was a dream," Elliot shook his head violently, "I-I passed out on the floor, I did. And the reason I woke up with my pants... down, is because I-I-I must have a pee that night before I fell, or or I... masturba-"

"Floor... You woke up on the fucking floor, with your fucking p-" she turned to him, forcing the sudden nauseas down, "Don't tell me you fucked her on the ground like fucking some cheap whor-" chewing on her tremble lip, Alex refused to show tears in front of him.

"I, DIDN'T!" he stepped closer, "why you're so sure it's me who did it? I, WILL, NEVER, HURT HER!"

"So glad you admit there is an 'it' now. Great! Then you better confess the RAPE, and take responsibility of your BABY!"

His eyes widened.

The rain was getting heavier. But no of them bothered to care.

"Wh-what baby...?"

The counselor stared at him for a long while, before walked away.

Elliot jumped over and grabbed her arm. "What baby?"

"Get off me!" she jerked away as soon as his hand touching her, shooting her glaring back.

"WHAT, BABY?" he clenched teeth, almost yell.

"YOU fucked her, and YOU tell me what baby!"

"I DIDN'T-"

"YES YOU DID! She told me everything!" Alex yelled and shut him up. "She, she," the brunette's sharp words surfaced in her mind again, feeling like rubbing salt into her bleeding wound. Alex swallowed, struggling for holding her voice steady. "... she confirmed having sex with you. But ask yourself, your conscience, Stabler, is that really 'having sex'?"

This time, he didn't move at all, just watching her walked away, out of his sight in the rainy night.

* * *

><p><strong>what do you think of Elliot's reaction? and which way you prefer Elliot to go?<strong>

**Yes, Alex's coming back to Liv now. but what would you like to happen?**

**Also, I'm not sure this story is heading to EO or AO. It depends on your reaview.**

**I'm longing for your thoughts. Thanks again:)**


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

As soon as the cab stopped, Alex Cabot swung the door open, and threw herself out, yelling back "keep the changes" to the driver.

She had to run, run fast.

For all the way back, Alex had been kicking herself hard, feeling the 20 minutes way was long enough to kill her.

_How on earth could you left her alone for this long with the damn door unlocked? Awwww, what the fuck have I done..._

_What if Jason found her? What if the PLP came back?... _Too many things could happen to Olivia, and every one of them was nothing but a painful scratch on Alex's heart.

"Shit!" She cursed finding the elevator died again.

When finally ran up to third floor, the counselor was nearly out of breath. Her lung was burning, and her legs were shaky. But now she just didn't bother to care anything else besides digging the damn keys out with her frozen hands.

"Oh, damn!" Her keys dropped. Alex bent down quickly to pick them up.

Just as the moment she lowered her body, a loud BANG coming from the inside of the door.

After standing in the rain for God knew how long, Elliot was soaked now, from head to toe, and the coldness had already bitten him inside out. But weird thing was, in every minute of taking these torture, he only wanted them to hit him harder, as if he needed the self-punishing.

No, no "as if". He was exactly doing it, even enjoying it, for somehow it eased the pain coming from his brain, his mind.

His mind was nothing but a storm, a world-shaking storm, which crushed all the shelters of the weak, dirty, ugly corner in his heart, showing off how disgusting and unforgiveable he truly was.

Yes. So many things were making sense now, things about his own confusions, suspicions and Olivia's weirdness.

_God... It didn't take a detective to figure out that no way the pregnancy could possibly happen in such a seriously damaged body. Is it the... selective blindness or you prefer her being knocked up by her rapist to-_

The word of "rapist" punched his gut hard.

_You're no better than him, Elliot._

And quickly, his mind drifted to the moment of them talking about the abortion in the hospital.

...

"_Olivia, it's your baby, your responsibility... no one knows better than me that how much shit an 'accidental' baby could bring to your life… it's going to mess up your life, make everything more complicated…" _

_..._

He closed his eyes, as soon as Olivia's face floated up in his mind. Suddenly, he could perfectly feel exactly how much pain she was holding behind these brown eyes.

_What the-_

Stealing a peek to the door, Alex saw a small hole on in.

_Bullet? Oh no..._

Before she knew it, she had jumped away, ducking behind the side wall to get out of the line of fire.

"Olivia! Are you alright?"

She shouted, hand slipping into her pocket to reach the cell phone, but only ended up another cursing. It was the third time she found she didn't have the phone with her since this afternoon.

"Olivia! Can you hear me? Liv!"

* * *

><p>Elliot stood still beside the road, half watching the cars flashed past at speed through the grey rain curtain, while his mind only pictured one of them crashed him into pieces.<p>

Everything seemed unreal, except... the death. Yes, his thoughts couldn't help but slip to the itch edge from time to time. He felt so desperately lonely now, as if all the people, every single people in the world, was no longer had anything to do with him anymore.

Another chill ran through his body, even the weapon his hip felt like red-hot molten steel.

_Don't go there. _He told himself,_ because you don't deserve it, not after what you putting her through, and, not now._

Eyes closed, he figured that he must be crying, from the saltness on his tongue, which reminded him he was not a ghost, yet. But, he wasn't fully alive either. His brain was fossilizing, didn't know where to go or what to do, and he'd even lost the courage to imagine showing his sick face in front of her, to meet these... familiar eyes, let alone speaking to her.

_Speak to her… _

Human language was just way too pale to express one in a thousand of his regrets. And no, he didn't have the ball to talk to her again.

_So, every single word you said to her, was nothing but a stab. _

Suddenly, Olivia's crying resounded in his ears:

"_...We're done. The old days we have are DONE!... I don't want my life have anything to do with you!... the good time... we have... just leave them in memory..." _

"God, Liv, I'm so, so..." with the sharp pain thrusting in his heart, Elliot sank down to his knees, releasing tears in the pouring rain.

* * *

><p>"No, no! Don't come over! Call 911 please!" leaning back on the side wall, Alex yelled to an old Latin guy who seemed like a neighbor walking over.<p>

"What's going on?" he stopped his steps.

"Just call 911, NOW!"

"Is something happening on Benson? The cop?"

"Yes! So call 911 for me, ok? And an ambulance, please!"

Seeing the Latin guy turned back, Alex took a deep breath. She couldn't wait anymore.

_What if he hurt her? What if she's lying there bleeding..._

God, she cut off all the terrible thoughts, taking another long breath.

_You have to get in. Now or never!_

"Hey, I'm coming in. And I have no weapon, ok? Just myself. I'm, I'm gonna open the door. Don't shoot." she said, pushing the door open very slowly.

But still, no responds from inside.

The door cracked a gap, and it was no light coming out.

_Shit. _

"Olivia? Talk to me!" Everything was just in creepy silence.

Finally, the door opened. Alex decided to make whomever inside there calm first. "Don't shoot, please, I'm showing my bare hands. See?" Good, seemed the shooter didn't make any move, so Alex slowly got out of the side wall. "I'm coming in now, all right? I just want to check on Oliv-"

Suddenly, she froze as taking the first look inside.

* * *

><p>Face hitting the ground, Elliot finally realized that he had just been punched.<p>

Looked up, he saw two punks holding knives in front of him.

"Are you fucking deaf? Gimme your fucking money NOW, pussy!"

Elliot could tell they must be junkies from the first look, but about when and how he got himself in this dirty alley, he didn't even have a clue. And funny, the rage in their eyes only seemed like distraction to him.

"What if I say no?" he even let out a lazy smile.

"What the-" the taller one trampled on Elliot's neck hard, pressing the cold blade on his cheek. "What did you just say to me, huh? You wanna taste th-" before he finished, he had already lost the balance, felling backward. But one of his hands got caught quickly as the other waving in the air searching for support.

Everything happened so fast. The shorter guy froze there widened eyes, and the next thing he knew was his bro had been lifted up and slammed against the wall.

Gripping the skinny man's wrist, Elliot grabbed his knife closer, till the sharp blade sinking into the skin on his own neck.

"Kill me!" he ordered, gasping through his clenching teeth.

The younger man was totally in shock, eyes looking back and forth between the beating vein on Elliot's neck and these insane eyes. "What, what the fuck..."

"C'MON! HERE! Then you can take whatever you want!"

The other guy took a step ahead with his mouth half opened. "You fucking crazy..." but he jumped back as soon as seeing Elliot taking out his gun. "Wow, wow… stay cool, man, w-we are just…" he stunned, witnessing something more shocking.

Elliot shaved the gun into the shaking hand of the younger junkie. "Here, take this." He ignored the young man's stammering mumbles, forcing his cold hand to hold the gun. "Pull the trigger," closing his eyes, Elliot pressed his forehead on the gunpoint. "Do it! DO IT NOW! C'MON!"

* * *

><p>"Olivia, put, put your gun down."<p>

The brunette was side lying on the ground, holding a gun in both of her hands with her eyes wide open.

Ten thousand emotions washed over Alex Cabot as the moment finding the woman she'd been worrying sick was actually whole and intact right in front of her.

_At least she's safe and unharmed, isn't she?_

Alex swallowed dryly. There was a second she swore she felt the muscles on her legs jerking, trying to make her jump out of the fire line. But anyway, she ended up keeping still. Because some part of her was just beyond aware of how impossible it was to beat the bullet.

Olivia's index finger had been shakily on the trigger.

"Honey," Alex managed the first breath since she saw the brunette. "please, put the gun down."

The brunette mouthed something like "don't" or "no", which was totally inaudible.

"Liv, it's me, Alex, ok?" she hesitated a second, before taking a tiny step forward.

It made the brunette tensed up immediately.

Alex stopped right away, barely keeping herself balanced. "Easy, easy, I'm not getting any closer." Her heart pounded like crazy as the sweat streaming down her forehead. "Olivia, you're safe now. It's just me, Alex."

Suddenly, she realized something.

_Damn. How could she actually see me clear when the light coming behind my back?_

"Honey," she lifted her arm up very slowly, watching Olivia's face carefully, "let me turn on the light, ok? Just, the light."

Seeing the brunette's eyes didn't follow her movement, Alex felt her heartbeats got even faster. _Was that a good sign or bad? _God, she wasn't a cop, had zero experienced of any situations like this.

_What now? Think, think faster, now!_

Her hand started to shake in the air.

Click.

Not sure which finger accidentally touched the switch, the whole world lit up in front of her eyes.

Both of the women flinched at the same time, holding each other's eyes without a blink.

Just as Alex moving her eyes to the gunpoint, bang, she saw it dropped.

"Jesus...," her knees almost gave out as the sudden relief overwhelming her. And didn't waste a second, Alex threw herself over, kicking the gun away.

"Liv, honey," she kneed down, cradled the brunette's head in arms, "I'm so sorry… I shouldn't have..." Soon, she found something was not right. These brown eyes were rolling upward. "Liv? Olivia, look at me!" But no matter how hard she tried to get her attention, the brunette only slipped further to unconsciousness and started to twitch.

_Oh, no... she's having a epilepsy seizure. _

"Liv! Can you hear me? Li-" Alex couldn't help but steal a quick glance to the doorway, wondering where the hell the EMT was.

Looking back on Olivia's painful face, Alex knew she might have to deal with it on her own this time.

_At least to keep her from hurting herself before the epilepsy passed. _

"Ok, honey, I'm gonna turn your head and hold your jaw, to keep you from biting your tongue." As speaking, Alex did what the doctor taught her. And honestly, she was a little surprised at the sudden steadiness and calmness raising in her heart. "It's just the seizure, which will be pass very soon I promise. I'm here with you… I'm not going anywhere. Don't be afraid, Liv, it's almost done, almost…"

Finally, the brunette passed out in peace while Alex' mumbles still going on. It just not more than 2 minutes, but for Alex, it felt like ages. But she refused to let go of Olivia, kept brushing on the short brown hair with her gentlest hand.

_Oh, shit..._

Suddenly, something red on the ground jumped into her eyes.

It was blood.

* * *

><p>"Pull the trigger," closing his eyes, Elliot pressed his forehead on the gunpoint. "Do it! DO IT NOW! C'MON!"<p>

"What's your problem, man? I don't... I…Why?" the shorter guy struggled in Elliot's iron-hoop-like hands.

"Shut up, you coward! Are you just too weak to kill me?"

"Oh, you freak..." he groaned, turning his head as far as he could, "even my fucking grandma had the ball to suicide! Who is the pussy here?"

"SHUT, UP! Just pull..."Suddenly, Elliot got yanked hard from behind.

"RUN!"

As the detective stumbling backward, he caught the two junkies running away from the corner of his eyes. He ended up slipped, falling down to the dirty ground near the wall.

His ankle sprained.

Sitting in the rain, Elliot shouted, yelled, called them all the F words, using almost every dirty word of the world to curse.

Finally, as his voice getting hoarse, he leaned back to the cold wall. He felt so tired. The exhaustion swallowed him from head to toe.

He laughed, for all the harsh words he'd thrown out just now, somehow felt so appropriate to describe he himself suddenly. And the shorter guy was right, he thought.

"_...even my fucking grandma had the ball to suicide!"_

_How about I die here and now? … People dies…_

Eyes slipping to the gun lying on the ground, Elliot's mind turned blank. And the next thing he knew, was the ice cold gun had been picked up and held tightly in his hand, pressing hard against the trembling bottom of his chin.

_I'm sorry, Olivia. I really do..._

* * *

><p>By the moment seeing the blood, coldness tingled down the length of Alex's spine. She stilled, before turning to trace the bloodstrain. The bloodstrain started at the bedside floor in the bedroom, mixing with the pieces of the crashed lamp and broken glass, ended up here.<p>

_She must get hurt there. _

Licking on her dry lips, Alex ran her eyes through the brunette's body quickly. And less than two minutes, she found the source.

The cuts were all over Olivia's palms, wrists and arms.

Alex squeezed her eyes shut tightly.

_God knows how many efforts it took her to finally manage here... _

And she didn't even want to know, how scared she could possibly be to actually throw herself out of the bed, hitting the hard ground, getting the gun, with one of her legs had a steel band in the knee, and the other... the half other, still had stitches.

_So, was it the falling darkness or something else drove her so panic? _

Yeah, Alex knew how bad the brunette hated dark. She had witnessed too many fights about the light between Olivia and the nurses. But, what if she really heard something; what if someone tried to broke in...

"What happened, ma'am?"

Jerking her eyes up, Alex saw a young security guy standing at the door way, which immediately relaxed her a lot.

"Everything's fine now, I guess." She blew out a long breath, running her fingers through her hair, "only if... did you see any stranger, a man or..."

"No, ma'am. I watch people pretty carefully, since, it's my first day work here, you know. And I've been told to pay more attentions to the fourth floor. Is Miss Benson ok? She's in some trouble? I thought cops had caught the bastard in that video... "

"What video?" Alex narrowed her eyes, feeling her scalp tensed up.

"Uh, I mean, ... " the young man seemed embarrassed.

Alex looked away, anger and pain waving in her heart. "Whatever. Just... was there any man tried to break in, or knocked the door..."

"I can assure you, ma'am. After you left, no one ever approached this door."

Alex nodded slightly, scanning his eyes.

"Trust me. My eyes had never left the CCTV screen before I ran to here."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, for... been so paranoid." She sighed heavily.

"Do you need me call an ambulance?"

"Oh," just as Alex opened her mouth, she felt a slight movement from the brunette.

"Mmm..."

"Liv?"

Not a surprise, it took Olivia a little while to really gain consciousness.

"Ale... wha... why..." As these brown eyes slowly focusing, they got panicky. "...you o-ok? Someo-o-one was h-here, I-"

"Everything's fine, Liv," Alex's heart ached, for the first concern as she waking up, was not even the brunette herself. "...it was just me out there." Alex caught the shaking hand of Olivia's, and turned a little to the door way, "See him? He's the security, came to help us."

Squeezing Alex's hand, Olivia shook her head. "I-I-I, h-heard a man, man's st-teps... it was..."

"Honey, listen to me. No one approached the door in the latest hours since I left, ok? And..."

"No! Y-y-you listen!" Olivia snapped, elbowing her shaky body upper, "I, sm-melled... him! He wa-was… I-" Gazing deeply into these concern blue eyes, Olivia shut up and leaned back down in silence.

"Ma'am? I, uhm, do you still need the ambulance?"

Alex turned to him, and immediately felt the woman she was holding gripped her hand. "... no, no, thanks. I think she's better now." she said, wondering whether it was another mistake she made today.

"You sure? Maybe I can give you a hand to carry her to the bed if you need."

"Thank you, really," The counselor managed a polite smile, silently rubbing the back of Olivia's hand with her thumb, "but no. I can handle it." She was more than clear that being touched by a stranger, male, was nothing but a torture for Olivia now.

Finally, the front door closed with a click, leaving the two women alone.

Both of them let out a relief breath almost at the same time.

Alex cracked her mouth open, but just didn't know where to start. There were too many things she wanted, needed to talk about. But now, it wasn't the time.

"Liv, how are you feeling? Are you in pain?" God, she felt stupid right away. _Isn't that obvious enough? She was pale, sweaty, trembling... even a 5 years knows she must be in pain. _

"... ti-tired..."

Alright, she didn't even say "fine", then she was miserable.

* * *

><p>Just as Elliot's finger touching the trigger, his phone went off.<p>

"Dad, where are you?"

Hearing Lizzie's voice, Elliot immediately jerked a hand up and covered on his mouth. He had to seal the sobs in place before his daughter heard her father's breaking down.

"You know what? I make you some Stewed Mutton! Like it?"

God, her voice was heaven, which gave a really warm squeeze on Elliot's heart, making it start to beat again. But in the other hand, it shattered every bit of his death wish into ashes.

"Hello? Dad, you're there?"

Quickly, he hung up on her. It might be the first time Elliot hung up on his daughter. He just didn't trust his voice, didn't have enough strength to hear the sweetest sound of the world, which reminded him nothing but how heavy and light to be a Dad.

* * *

><p>Olivia jerked her head to the side, and finally got her eyes open.<p>

She spent a little while to process why she was lying in the couch, covered with Alex's coat.

_What the..._

Soon, she sighed in release, though her heart was still slamming wildly.

_Great. Another fucking dream! _

She felt so tired, as if never slept at all. And she had been soaked wet in her sweat.

Pulling the blanket down, Olivia noticed the bandages of her hands immediately, which brought everything back within a second.

"Still sore?" Alex walked over from the counter, with a cup in hand.

"Nah," Olivia answered quickly, managed a little smile.

Alex sat down on the edge of the couch, frowned. "Are you running a fever? You're so sweaty." she put the cup on the table, hand reaching to Olivia's forehead.

The brunette jerked away immediately, stumbling something Alex only made out a syllable of "f-".

"Oh," The blond withdrew. "I'm, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No, I'm s-sorry," Olivia cut her off, shifting uncomfortably. She hated to see the hurt in these blue eye, "it's me, I can't hel-help..."

"I know, it's ok." The frustration in her apology broke Alex's heart. "I just need to know how you're feeling."

"I'm fine." Her whisper was almost inaudible.

Alex nodded slowly, ignoring the lie. "I bring you some tea."

The brunette slipped her eyes to the cup, and suddenly she felt the gnawing pain of her burning throat.

Within a few seconds, Olivia drank the whole cup off. And the way she finishing it, reminded Alex some people dying in the desert.

As her face getting out of the cup, she met Alex's teary eyes.

_God... is it the way I suppose to take care of her?_ "Liv..."

Olivia knew what it was about. She just couldn't take it. Not now. "Alex," she found the blond's hand, holding it gently, "Would you, uh... can I, h-have a sh-shower? I… smelt like s-someone... rotting i-in the hos-hospital."

Seeing the silent-"I'm so sorry to bother you" rippling in those brown eyes, Alex's heart stung. "God, Liv, you're not-" she paused, knowing it was more than useless, "... whatever you want, you got it. You're home now."

"Thank y-you." And this time, she smiled a real smile.

"Finally see your smile..." words stuck in Alex's throat, as her eyes locking with hers.

The light smile on faded and Olivia broke the eye-contact.

Both of them fell in silence.

"So, let's do it." Alex tried to cheer up, "Good thing is, I've done this before. Many years ago, I helped my roomie shower herself when one of her arms was broken, and-"

"I," Olivia met her eyes, "wanna d-do it on my o-own."

Honestly, Alex wasn't really surprised, though a part of her still expected the brunette would at least acquiescence her company.

"Please..." Olivia added quietly, and dropped her eyes.

"Okay, okay," it just made the blond guiltier to hear her begging. And she got another idea quickly. "Liv, I know you hate the wheelchair but here is the thing. If you want to do it alone, then you'll sit in it. Deal?"

Watching Olivia's face carefully, the counselor prepared for her snapping, which surprisingly never came.

With eyes sticking on some spot of her hand, Olivia just nodded silently.

Alex stilled for a little while in disbelief, before went into the bedroom, and wheeled the chair over.

But as she bent down, asking for the brunette's cooperation to get her into the chair, she didn't move.

Alex looked up.

"Uh... you d-don't, need to c-carry me." Her voice sounded shy.

"What do you mean?"

"I can... have a tr-try." Olivia pressed her lip together, paused, "Cuz you can't... ca-carry m-me around, for the rest of, of my life." And now she met Alex's gaze.

"Olivia..." the sad firmness flashing in these brown eyes, somehow buried most of the debate inside Alex. "The inconveniences are only temporary. The persons with-" She bit down the "disability" on its way, which felt like thorns in her throat. "Anyway, I mean, yes. Let's try this if you want."

The brunette simply nodded, reaching her hand out and throwing the blanket back. Slowly, she sat up and moved her left leg out of the couth, stepping on the floor.

Alex stayed beside, half squatting half kneeling. She had no idea about what to do, after getting pushed away as her first movement of helping her. But when Olivia gripping on the edge of the chair, tested her weak body, and struggled to put more and more weight on that shaking leg, Alex jumped up and held her tightly.

"Careful! I got you..." Alex immediately felt the brunette let go of her leg.

With her teeth gritted, Olivia wheezed for a while after finally got into the chair. Her entire body ached, and the dizziness returned.

"I didn't hurt you, did I? How's your knee..."

Olivia grabbed Alex's sleeve before the blond bent down to check her leg, "Alex," she called out, but lowered her voice right away, "I'm f-fine... re-really."

The blond froze. "Liv... I start to regr-"

"Just, g-g-get me in t-the damn bathr-room!" She almost yelled through her clenched teeth.

Alex frowned in her sudden headache. Obviously, the brunette was about to lose it._ Is the pain, the desperation of getting privacy, or... is she still mad with me?_

However, the counselor hadn't said a word anymore, wheeling Olivia to the bathroom.

After helping the elder woman use the toilet, Alex turned to the shower.

"Let me adjust the water first." She took the sprinkler off the wall, and tested the temperature a couple times. "Gosh, hope it's not a bad idea to let you do this alone..."

"I will n-not overdo." Olivia breathed heavily, like she was so sick of this debate.

"Alright. Just-" Alex chew on her lower lip before continued, "at least let me help you with the clothes."

"No," Olivia shook her head quickly, "I-I-I can do that." And her eyes looked like some defensive animal.

"Liv, it's ok. I already... saw... you, when the nurse changed your bandages." Her last word was barely a whisper in painful regrets.

Olivia's hands gripped on the armrests of the chair so tightly that their knuckles turned white. "I, s-...said, I-I can!"

The slight tremble in her voice broke Alex's heart. She didn't have to see to know how hard the brunette was trying not to cry, or snap. Suddenly, the counselor had no idea what to say.

Her hand reached to the knob. "I'll be near, if you need anything..." _you only need to be alone, to get away from me. I know... _

Finally, Olivia was alone. As soon as hearing the click coming from the closing door, she shut her eyes, squeezing the tears down.

* * *

><p>Wiping the wetness off his eyes, Elliot texted a "be back soon" to his daughter.<p>

_What if I pulled the trigger just now? _

Leaning his head back on the wall, Elliot started to review all the things happened recently. Everything was just like the domino, one after one, link by link... Looking back, back to the very first piece to be blamed on, it would be he himself.

Yes, it was him, who was the black tornado, sucking people in, taking them far from the ground and ruining them one by one.

And now he couldn't even stop turning.

_Lord, why to live is thousand times harder than to die?... What should I do? Please, help me... _

* * *

><p>The rain stopped. Some thick clouds were blew away slowly by the night wind, letting the crescent sprinkle its pale light down. In the air, you could feel the freshness of the coming spring, which making this city sweet and alive.<p>

Mother Nature always worked in the same way, emotionlessly, rigidly. And what she didn't know or give a damn, was under the silver moon, there were three people weeping the same bitter tears at the same time.

* * *

><p>Ok, another long chapter. Sorry to keep my dear readers waiting~ I'll be quick in the next chapter:)<p>

So, do you want the EO meeting? Will Olivia be mad at Alex's talking her things to Elliot? And most important, do you want the baby heathy or something happen?

Let me know, please~~~ Every word you said to me, made my days!

thank you! ~*


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

Olivia blinked in frown.

Her eyes squinted against a strand of sunlight coming through the curtains gap.

_God, what the hell is so bright..._

Sleepily, she grabbed a hand of the covers, attempting to take shelter, but only found it stuck.

Olivia opened eyes slowly. And the first thing came in her view, was a slender, naked arm outside the covers, wrapping around her shoulder. Looking along the length, she found the soundly sleeping Alex Cabot.

The younger woman breathed in peace. Her long blond hair is spreading down her neck like a golden waterfall. Under the edge of the sunlight, the blond's face was almost crystal and her lips seemed like some pink cherry petals.

Olivia stunned, as if any rough breath would blow away all the beauties.

_I'm not dreaming, am I?_

Recently, she had started to believe that maybe she'd never wake up feeling rested, comfortable and safe, let alone with... an angel lying by her side.

Yes, what she was gazing at, was truly an angel.

As staring at the blond, scenes happened last night refreshed in Olivia's mind. She remembered how desperately she wanted to tear her pajamas off, letting the water pour through her body; how tightly she covered both hands on her mouth, screaming her whole lungs out while forbidding any sound get out; how helplessly she ended up huddling up on the hard ground, reliving the bitterly cold and pain she suffered in the woods; … and the last, she remembered how hot the blond's tears were when she rebandaging her wounds one by one…

_Oh..._

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut as the sense of guilty flooding over.

_You're doing nothing but making her life as miserable as yours, aren't you?_

Alex shifted, blinking her eyes open. "Damn, I woke you up, didn't I?"

"No," Olivia replied quickly, "The sun... did."

Alex smiled, "slept well? I thought y-" She winced in pain as moving her arm.

"God, how l-long have y-yyou been ho-holding me... like this?" Olivia's heart ached, as helping the blond.

"It's nothing. Just, a little numb."

"The h-hell." Olivia frowned. She picked up Alex's hand, and gently moved her arm back under the covers. "You're f-freezing cold."

"I'm ok, I-" She stilled, as Olivia slowly turning, using her own body to warm her up. Alex's heart quickened immediately, "Careful. Liv, your injuries-"

"I'm not made of gl-glass."

"I… uhm, you don't have to do this." Her forehead touched hers now. She could feel the brunette's warm breath on her face.

"I want to." Olivia whispered.

Alex felt like melting with the softness and warmth wrapping around her. Here. She could almost hear the heartbeats of the beautiful woman lying cheek to cheek with her.

Besides that, the whole world was as peace as heaven.

Slowly, Alex's mind went blank as an old poem coming from nowhere jumped in.

_"Every bit of air you breathed out, I sucked it so, so deeply into my lungs._

_I can actually live on carbon dioxide, as long as having your love…"_

The little poem turned around and around in Alex's ears like some melody. Secretly, she wished she could just stop the time, stay in the bitter sweet moment, which making her heart thrill.

"You, uhm..." the brunette cleared her throat, breaking the silence. "Saw him, y-yest-terday...Right?"

The blond's face was on fire as a blush coming to her cheeks. She felt like some idiot all of a sudden. "Mmm..." she pushed apart and sat up. "I-"

"No," with a squeeze on Alex's hand, Olivia cut her off, "I d-d-don't wan-want t-to know." Her tongue stumbled. "Ju-just... Y-you d-didn't d-d-do-"

"Liv," the blond rubbed the back of Olivia's hand with her thumb, "I didn't do anything, to him." _She cares that much about him... _"Though I really wanted to kill him with my bare hands the minute I rushed out... Anyway," Alex took a deep breath, easing her clenched teeth, "I didn't even accuse him anything when I actually saw him... Damn, that bastard acted like-" she felt Olivia's eyes on her, "Liv, you can tell me the truth if he did-"

"Fu-..." the brunette rolled her eyes in annoyed. "You j-just can't st-tay away from p-peop-p-ple's life, c-can you!"

_People's life, huh?_

The two women scanned each other's eyes for a good moment, before Alex looked away and swung her legs over the edge of the bed.

"Sorry." / "Sor-rry."

Their apologies came out at the same time.

"I just..."/ "Just..."

Once again.

Both of them burst a little laugh. Alex leaned backward, falling into the bed. "Okay... you go first."

Olivia took a breath. "Alex... Someth-thing I, re-really need... to think th-through. And bef-fore that, I... We, can not jump i-into con-conclu-lusion... It's his career, his... l-life."

Alex turned away. _Jump into... conclusion? _

"Prom-mise me, Alex," her voice was calm and serious, "you'll no-not, talk about thi-this, with anyone."

"Liv..."Alex sat up, her back burnt with the glaring of those brown eyes. "I won't lie to you..."

"Ju-just prom-m-mise me."

"I-..." The blond gripped on the sheets so hard that her knuckles turned white. She just couldn't lie, lie to this woman. Deep inside, she even started picturing her standing in Cragen's office and spitting all the things out.

"You're the o-only one I-I tr-trust... Ple-please…"

"Don't Liv, just…" her begging broke Alex's heart into pieces. "Ok, I promise."

A single tear slipped down the corner of Olivia's eye, "Thank y-you..." She coughed a little, "I'm so t-tired... so, tired... some things, I, j-just..." her whisper turned emotionless, "…don't c-care anymo-more..."

"Yes, you do, Olivia, you should." Alex sat straightly up, turning to her.

The brunette didn't move, nor talk. And her face was unreadable.

Alex scared. This Olivia Benson lying beside her felt completely foreign now. It made her angry. Several times, the blond opened her mouth, but eventually nothing came out.

_Don't push, Cabot, she's not herself, for now._

"Spe-peak of wh-what I should do..." the brunette shifted a little, "I think, maybe i-it's ti-time to hire a nur-nurse."

"Excuse me?" Alex shot her eyes over.

Olivia seemed uncomfortable immediately, "I-I can, af-fford it... Besides," her voice was apologetic, "You ne-need to go t-to work."

_Ok, here we go... _

Alex felt her rage biting. "We have talked about this, Olivia, I got six months to-" she paused, getting off the bed. "It's not about the job thing, it's about me, right?"

"Alex, it's n-n-not you..."

"Yes, it is. I never should have left you alone like that. I was just..." _...Jealous? Hurt? _"Liv," she took a deep breath, "I really care a lot about you."

Olivia lifted her eyes, "So do I. But the fact is, I-I was s-s-so close to… cause your d-death."

Now, blue eyes locked with the brown.

"Honey, you know it was an accident."

"Maybe. But it won't be the la-last t-time. As long as h-he's out there, he's not gonna s-stop hunting me."

"There's no one, Liv. No one ever came near that door, I swear, I checked the security video and-"

"Yes! H-HHe was h-here!" Olivia raised her voice, "and sto-stop l-looking at me li-like this!"

"I didn't..." Alex sighed, telling herself not to start another fight. Not now. "You're just no different than the Olivia I've known all my life." She raised her eyes, finding the brunette turned away.

"L-Lier!" Olivia's voice quivered, "I f-f-feel like..." like a victim…"I'm ruined... Alex, I-I can't even st-stand the f-fuck up, let al-l-lone to protect you!"

Alex closed her eyes, couldn't bear to watch the brunette fighting back her threatening tears. "You're not r-" she swallowed the rest words down. It hurt too much, just too much. "...You need time to heal, to adjust, Liv. There're millions of people like you in this country. They can still be independent, happy, living on their own. So please, if someone should be protective and alert here, that would be me-"

"A-Alex!" the brunette snapped, "You... h-have no, no idea…" she shook her head in irritated, "It is YOU, I-I'm talking about!"

The blond stunned.

"I a-am… nothing... But you, you ha-have so, so much to l-lose. I c-can't risk your li-life!"

"You're... nothing?" the counselor narrowed her eyes, ignoring the gathering tears bedimmed her view. "You're EVERYTHING to me!" With that, tears rushing out of her eyes. And the second Alex catching the hint of confusion crossing these brown eyes, she looked away. Her heart stung like being stabbed. "Besides, you're going to be a mother." She covered her feeling with a more reasonable statement.

_A…mother..._ Olivia's stomach turned. She was startled by how strange it sounded.

"Liv..." Alex walked to the other side of the bed, sitting down on the edge, "Everything's gonna be just fine, okay? You're safe here. They will get the bastard soon. And if you like, I can call protection from the feds, or you can move to my place."

Olivia turned away. "No, you just-" she shook head, forcing her voice to calm, "Wh-what if he f-find me-"

"Damn, Olivia..."

"Listen!" The brunette slapped on the mattress, "What if I-I-I... hurt you, ag-again?"

"You will not-..." Alex rubbed her forehead, "So hiring a nurse is the perfect solution, huh?"

"It'd b-better be anyone el-else than y-you!" she glared over.

"Gee... can't believe your talking like people's lives are different."

"Yeah? Cuz I am di-different!"

Alex chewed on her lower lip. The waving sorrow of Olivia's eyes punched her heart. "Liv, c'mon... You really want some stranger just nursing you but knowing nothing about your feelings? Last night... you were... I, I just couldn't calm your shaking, until... holding you in my arms." She stole a look at the now silent woman, "I kept my eyes open all the night, in case you had nightmares or pain... And I was so happy to see the dawn, and you still sleeping soundly by my side...Tell me you don't like it, don't need it..."

Olivia's tears stream down. She couldn't, she just couldn't say that. And she felt Alex climbed into the bed, reaching her arm over and holding her gently from behind.

"We'll get through it, Liv. All these..."

* * *

><p>Agent Redd was about to fall asleep when his iPhone vibrating.<p>

"Jesus-" The young agent frowned at the unknown number.

"Hello? Agent Redd?" It was a young woman.

"Yes? Who is it?"

"Uhm, I'm sorry to ruin your sleep, but, I really think it may be important...Oh, I'm Sarah Haydn, the nurse from Edward Hill Hospital."

Redd was wide awake now. He remembered asking her to call him immediately if seeing someone looking for Olivia Benson.

"Sarah, what's wrong?"

"I was on my night shift tonight, and a man just came to ask about Detective Benson."

The agent sat straightly up. "What does he look like? What did you tell him?"

"He's tall, bald, skinny... pale, looks like a patient... He asked me where Olivia was, and I just told him she died. Is that what I suppose to say, right?"

"Yes, yes, you did well. Uh, did, did he buy it?"

"I, I'm not sure... I mean, he didn't say anything, he was just... he looked at me for a while, in surprise, and left."

Redd let out a breath. Yeah, he couldn't expect too much from a nurse. "Just one more thing. How old is the he?"

"Forty something, I think?"

No, it can't be him... "Okay, let me guess. Did he seem normal? I mean, maybe he moved like he was in pain, or someone still recovering from surgery?"

"Uhm... Oh, yes! He walked slowly, and could barely stand straightly, like... uh, I remembered his one hand always covered on his lower belly, just like some Appendicitis patients."

"Right. You know what? This guy was not covering his Appendicitis..."

After hung up the phone, the agent dialed the number of his supervisor.

"Boss, it's me. Sorry about the time, but uhm, think you need to know this...T Walker could be alive."

* * *

><p>Once again, Olivia peeped through the corner of her eyes, to see the night clock.<p>

_Great. 3 am. _

In the dim light of the lamp, she wondered how damn long a night could be.

Biting on her lower lip, she was trying her every effort to keep herself from moving and moaning.

Since the minute Olivia's head hit the pillow, she hadn't slept a second due to the waking burning on her amputated leg. She knew Phantom Limb Pain was on the way. Yes, pain had been becoming the most familiar sense to Olivia Benson. It was a ghost hunting her, a shadow following her, even a part of her body. However, whenever thinking about the PLP, her chest still got tight. Just like tonight, long before the real blow hit, she had started her secretly pray and curse.

But, weird thing was, as the pain really showed its brutality, the brunette somehow got strength to fight it on her own. The strength came from guilt.

Olivia couldn't imagine someday she would owe anyone as much as she owed Alex Cabot. These days, the best ADA she knew, her best friend, had flew around like some maidservant, just for taking care of a burden.

She did feel like a burden. A burden wasn't even able to sit still while using the toilet, couldn't stop her body trembling without the blond lying by her side and holding her tight, and even had to let the slender woman carry her to the bathroom from time to time.

Olivia used to live with her alcoholic mother, knowing how hard it could be to handle a sick people. Literally, it got to be tough for anyone, everyone, let alone the beautiful, God-spoiled woman born in comfort. Every time seeing the dark circles under these blue eyes, only reminded Olivia how useless she was.

Olivia clenched her teeth more tightly.

_You can do it, Benson, you can beat it and get through the damn night. It's not real, just like the doctor told you, the pain's not... real._

10 minutes passed, another 10 minutes... 30 minutes...

Olivia couldn't help but peep at the clock more and more frequently, doubting whether the time stopped in her world.

Now, she had a weird feeling that her amputated toes, foot, ankle... even the entire lower leg was still there, and every inch of it was being burnt, sawed, cut, stabbed... It felt so real, so fucking vivid. Olivia grabbed the sheet as tightly as she could, just for fighting the urge of throwing the covers away and seeing if her leg was truly there.

Another while later, Olivia's started to tremble. And no matter how hard she gritted her teeth, she just couldn't fake sleep anymore.

_You got to get out of the bed, fuck! you're waking her!_

The brunette shifted carefully, attempting to move Alex's arm without stirring her.

But Alex woke up in the first touch.

"Mmmm... Liv, wh-" The blond immediately noticed something went wrong. "What's going on?"

Frustrations flooded over. Under Alex's panic eyes, the brunette turned her head away immediately. Her self-control collapsed in a twinkling of an eye. She gasped loudly. "... I, I'm... soo…r…"

Alex didn't really know what the sorry for, and she didn't care it anyway. Swinging the covers off, Alex's eyes located on the brunette's hand which gripped on her shaking thigh. "Oh, no... Hang on, honey, I'm getting the pain-killer."

"N... No!"

The blond froze as Olivia's sweaty hand catching her wrist.

"I, I... No, dddr-drug…"

"Wh-Why?"

"I-I-I… m-yy... ba-baby…"

Her teeth clenched, making the whisper almost inaudible. The blond's heart sank, for it was the very first time Olivia Benson seemed so different and strange in front of her eyes.

She saw a mother sacrificing for the baby she was carrying.

"Silly..." Within a second, Alex's eyes watered. "Do you have any idea what you're doing? It's gonna keep torturing you for hours!"

Olivia shook her head slowly, biting on her lower lip hard.

"Liv... half dose will be fine… At least-" she felt Olivia gripped her wrist harder.

"W-Wa... t-t-"

"What? What you need," Alex bent down, leaning her ear to Olivia's mouth. "Water? You want water?"

The brunette nodded slightly, "c…c-col…d…t... t-tow…el… "

"Cold towel? Okay, okay…" Alex ran to the bathroom as fast as she could, grabbing a towel after got it soaked and twisted. Though she doubted whether it would work.

"Here we go." She rushed back, scared with how pale and sweaty Olivia was now. "Liv, if this doesn't work, you'll tell me, ok?" With that, Alex wrapped the wet towel around Olivia's amputated limp, carefully keeping it away from the healing wound.

"AHHHHH!" Suddenly, Olivia cried out loud with her body twisted violently.

A thunder ran through the blond's body as she grabbing the towel off. "What's wrong?"

"Hu-urts..."

"Ok, ok, it's gone now. I'm sorry baby, I didn't know... God..." the blond covered her mouth with one hand. She was so disappointed about herself. Witnessing Olivia moaning and struggling right in front of her, and she just had no idea what to do.

"… ss...sit..."

"Sit up? Ok, I got you, baby," Alex forced herself to take a deep breath. She just had no time to cry, just not now.

Helping the brunette to sit up and pulling her weak body backward to her embrace, Alex could clearly feel the cold sweat seeping out of Olivia's clothes. "Feel better?" The question made her feel stupid.

Olivia gripped hard on Alex's arms wrapping around her shoulders, feeling her entire lower body was on fire, the fire from hell. "G-God... i…it k-kill..."

Alex held her harder, "Yeah, I know, I know it hurts too much, sweetie... Just hang on, you gotta hang on... Let's count. We count to 30, and it goes away further. Okay? One, two, three..." she ignored the now pouring tears, whispered gently to Olivia's ear, feeling her own heart broke into pieces...

Soon, both of them took a deep breath as the last number went out. "See, you do feel better, right?" Alex smiled in tears seeing the brunette nodded slightly in her arms. Two Liars... "Another round, baby. This time you'll get so much better..."

"I'm-" Olivia squeezed the blond's arm, "...S-s... sc-scared..."

"Don't be. I'm here, sweetie, I'm here with you. You're safe..."

But she shook her head, "Wh-What if... m-my... body... n-not, ab-able… to... ca-r-rry... baby-" she choked, tears down, "I can't... l-l-loose..."

"Shhhh, silly, you're going to have a healthy, beautiful baby. And I know you'll be a great, great mommy."

"I-" The brunette coughed.

"Don't talk anymore," Alex leaned forward, rubbing on Olivia's back, "breath slowly, in and out, yes... yeah..." she carefully pulled the gasping woman back into her arms as the cough passing, "How about I sing a song for both of you? A little song my mom used to sing to me before the good night kisses." The blond cleared her throat, "The eensy weens-" she paused, smiling shyly, "I know... Melody's a shit, but, well, hope our little Benson will like it."

_"The eensy weensy spider_

_Crawled up the water spout_

_Down came the rain_

_And washed the spider out_

_Out came the sun and dried up all the rain_

_And the eensy weensy spider_

_Crawled up the spout again._

…

…_"_

* * *

><p>Like people said, happy time ran fast, while the rough time was just another thing.<p>

The past week might be the hardest week Alex Cabot had ever experienced. Obviously, she didn't prepare well before this, or she never could. Seven days, she hadn't had any real rest at all. If she stopped ignoring the complaints coming from her body, she'd feel her bones were falling apart in exhaustion.

Spring came closer and closer, but to Alex, all of these beauties and lives just had nothing to do with her.

Now, with a mug in hand, she didn't even realize she'd been standing by the window and staring out for too long, that her coffee had turned ice cold and her legs were numb. Precious moment like this, peaceful, alone, was literally a blessing. Though, Cragen was on his way here, and from his voice in the previous call, she knew it must be something serious.

Knock, knock.

Okay, here it is.

"Hey, Captain."

"Counselor," the moment standing face to face with Alex, Cragen's jaw dropped. Yes, he knew she would not look good, but still, it startled him to see her like this. Even, the blond seemed showered, put on some make up, but the bags under her eyes and the exhaustion all over her face, gave her away. "...You look like hell."

Alex sighed, holding the door to let him in. "Yeah... You cops never lie, do you?"

The old cop walked in, taking a quick glance around, and secretly surprised at the tidiness. "Is she sleeping? How is she?"

"Yeah, she's asleep, finally... And She's..." she was about to say "better" but somehow she said "she'll be fine."

"And you? How are you holding up?"

Alex blinked. Honesty, it could be the first time she thought of herself in a long time. "I'm ok." she carefully closed the bedroom door steady. "We have to be quiet, Cap. If she wakes up knowing you're here... Oh, don't get me wrong I-"

"No, no, I know she doesn't want to see anyone. We talked about this."

"Ok... Uhm, I made some coffee. Do you want some?" Alex turned to the counter.

"No, thanks. Alex, I worry about both of you."

The blond froze with her back to him. "Okay... I'd say, she's not good... actually, she's miserable."

Standing behind, Cragen silently encouraged her with the patient waiting.

"She barely eats, sleeps... and her legs are killing her." She turned to the captain slowly, leaning against the sink and avoiding their eye contact. "Damn..." Suddenly, her version blurred as her tears waving.

"Have you talked to her doctor?"

Alex shook her head, "I mean, of course I have. But seemed it's just normal, and he only suggested the pain meds." She cracked a bitter chuckle, "like I didn't know that..."

"So the pain killer didn't work?" Cragen frowned.

"Don, she totally refused pills, because of the baby."

Cragen stunned.

"She's just..." The blond sniffed, looked away, "I'm worried, Don. What if something... after she did so much for the baby. You don't... you can't imagine how much pain she was in. It was... You know Olivia, for all these years, whenever she got hurt, she won't even blink an eye especially in front of people. But now I see her crying, moaning, struggling..." she swallowed hard, "Figure she's not that positive about the baby's safety."

"Alex, she just loves the baby too much. It must remind her a lot about herself." He stepped closer, "Don't think too much. Things are gonna be fine."

Alex sniffed, nodding slightly. _Yeah, what else could he say?_

"She needs time, a hell of a long time. And it won't be easy for the people going through this with her." He paused, noticing the counselor's tears gathering up again. "Take care of yourself too, Alex, you've been losing weight... I know how the rape victims like." He sighed slightly, taking a step closer, "If you want to talk... I'm here."

The blond lifted her eyes slowly. "Mmm..." Just one look on the old man's concern eyes, she burst into tear.

Cragen wrapped his arms around the sobbing counselor, letting her cry on his shoulder. He knew she needed this, she might be longing for this.

After a while, the blond pushed off him gently. "I never feel so... tired... helpless..."

"Yeah, I can tell."

"She's depressing, short-tempered... And God I just hate her stubbornness sometimes." Alex let out a heavy breath, "...I have to make her drink. Otherwise she barely touches the glass, just for using the toilet as less as she can." Before Cragen opening his mouth, Alex added, "And, she... she's scared of everything now. The noise, coldness, dark, loneliness... everything, Don, I think it's time to get her a shrink. Doctor Huang, maybe?"

"He'll be back in New York the next week. I'll call him."

"No, I'll call. I mean, I have to make sure she wants it at first. Umm..." Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, Alex froze. For some reason, Elliot's face popped in her mind from nowhere.

"Something I think you should know."

It got his attention.

She looked back and forth between his eyes.

_Promise me… Alex..._

"What is it?" The captain got concerned.

"...I uh..." Her heart twisted, "... as long as the bastard's still out there, she'll never feel secure again."

"Yeah… I know." Cragen sighed, "Oh, speak of this…"

They came to the couch and sat down.

Alex let out a heavy breath. Lucky for her, she didn't betray the brunette's trust. But it felt bad also.

"Tucker's gonna be here soon."

Alex turned to him after a brief moment. "What?"

"I'm afraid, that I can't hold him any longer. He just wants a scapegoat to take the rap."

"And the son of a bitch is doing his best to drag Olivia down, isn't he?"

"Alex, listen. It's really important." Cragen met her eyes, "He's gonna push, set traps, threaten her... But no matter what, you gotta tell Olivia, just insist that every single thing she did in that mission, was nothing but my orders."

As the words sinking, Alex shook her head in disbelief. "No, no, Don-"

"It's for the best, Alex." He sounded like a captain again. "I'm retiring, anyway. And not like Olivia, I have nothing to worry about. Even... he takes my pension, which I bet he's not that good to do that, I still have savings, you know. But Olivia... she needs the money more than anyone."

The resolution flashing in his eyes, punched Alex's heart. "God..." She stood up, running her hand through her hair. "Why the scumbag just couldn't..." she stopped, feeling the blank curses stupid. "You know it could be a useless sacrifice, Don. What if he kills the two, even three birds with one stone? "

"That' why we need damage control, Alex. Stabler has a big family to take care. He can't lose this job. Let alone Olivia... think about it, Alex." he rose to his feet, "We don't have much choice, counselor, we gotta fight."


	19. Chapter 19

**In this alternate universe where this story happens，Olivia only saved Kathy in that car accident. Kathy was not pregnent at that time. **

**Enjoy:) **

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 19<strong>

Alex walked away from the door of Olivia's bedroom, again, after her legs automatically carrying her there, awaring in surprise that it might be the fourth time she did this since Tucker walked in.

She came to the kitchen. _C'mon, a nice dinner would be great after this God damn afternoon. _Though, holding the knife in hand, her mind slipped away once again.

God, she really wanted to know what the hell they were talking inside the room. Last time the IAB lieutenant showed up, he acted like some jerk just coming out of Guantanamo. Though, at the same time Alex felt a part of her didn't really have the courage to actually stand there and press her ear on the door.

She doubted whether she could take it, could bear the ripping pain of picturing what the brunette had been through. Because deep inside, she knew a fact that probably she, a so called capable ADA, was not as strong as the sick woman who had barely a teenage girl's weight now.

The phone rang, causing the blond jump.

"Shit!" she cursed in a sting on her hand, finding the blade cut her finger. "Hello?" Alex frowned. Her heart quickened as a bad feeling rising.

"Alex?" It was Kathy.

"Yeah, hi, Kathy."

"Is Elliot there?"

Alex sensed the urgency. "No, he's... He hasn't come here for days. Why?"

"Days? When's the last time you saw him?"

Immediately her mind jumped to their conversation outside the bar that night. "Wh-... You're looking for him?"

"I... Has he ever called? Called Olivia?"

"No. Olivia isn't allowed to use the cellphone due to her health condition, and he knew it I believe. Can you tell me-"

"God dammit!... Then where the hell has he been..."

Alex held her breath. "Slow down, Kathy, what's going?"

There was a brief pause followed by a heavy sigh before Kathy answered. "I haven't seen him for three days, and he turned off his phone."

"What?" Thousand thoughts ran through her mind.

"Never mind. It could be nothing though. This happened before. I... I gotta go, Alex. Thanks."

And the line went dead before Alex could say more.

The blond stilled there for a long moment, feeling her palms sweated.

"Counselor?"

Alex jerked, finding that Ed Tucker had been standing beside. "Uh, you finished? How's she?"

"Yeah, she's... pretty cooperated this time, and, don't worry. She's fine."

Alex narrowed her eyes, "Cooperated? What have you been talking about?"

"Sorry, counselor, I can't tell you."

Before he walked way, Alex caught his arm. "You know I gonna know it later. Tell me."

He turned back. "Fine," smirked. "In a word, she confessed."

"'Confess? '," Alex's heart skipped a beat. "Of what?"

"Because of her unprofessional action, the undercover mission went out of control, causing so many damages. She takes the full response."

Alex swallowed hard.

Honestly, she wasn't surprise about this. Last night, after hearing the idea of her captain, the only response coming from the brunette was literally no respond.

But still, burning rage rushed upward to Alex's chest. "She's the victim here, you son of-" The counselor stepped forward, fighting an urge of punching him. "She dedicated everything single thing of her life to this damn job. Tucker, and now, while the perpetrator who ruined her life is still out there, you're just doing nothing but robbing her reputation! She's still one of you, for conscience's sake!"

Watching the blond's entire body trembled in anger. Tucker didn't even raise his voice. "I work for the IAB, and I'm just doing my job here, counselor. This," he pointed a finger at Olivia's room, "is the most fucked mission I've ever seen in my life. Someone gotta be responsible. That's all. If you want T Walker's ass, go press the Feds."

"Why her? It is Stabler's wife who screwed up..."

"Oh really? Then why she showed up so coincidentally?" and before Alex shot back, he cut her off, "Don't tell me it was an 'accident', counselor. Listen up. If a woman, always single, always alone, and one day in the most dangerous circumstance, she suddenly ran into a housewife, whose husband is exactly the man she's been coveting for over ten years... What would you think?" He studied Alex's face, letting his words sink. "It doesn't take a counselor to know-"

"What the hell are you inferring here?"

Tucker smirked. "C'mon, Alex, it's easy for a cop to get rid of a stumbling block, with someone else's hand."

Alex felt her temples throbbed in exploding anger. "How... dare you?"

"Relax... Kathy Stabler's appearance could also be a coincidence if Benson helps us to catch T Walker." A slight pleasure ran through Tucker's body as he watching Alex's face fell. "Besides, she has made the deal with IAB."

The two of them stood perfectly still, before Alex cracking her mouth.

"What deal? Who the hell gave you the right to do this without her lawyer's presence? Did you threaten her or..." she could barely recognize her own voice now, feeling something biting her bones which she couldn't tell it was concern, fear or rage.

"She volunteered, to bait him." His eyes smiled as his face didn't. "Catching the bad guy, while keeping her... 'Reputation', as much as she wants. Fair enough, isn't it? Don't forget..." he stepped to the front door, twisting the knob, "she fucked up, so she gotta clean up the mess."

With that, Tucker shut the door behind after stealing a peep on the blond counselor who stood there like some statue.

That was when he smirked.

* * *

><p>Seeing Kathy Stabler turning around, moving her pregnant body out, Cragen pinched his lips, frowned tightly. He simply couldn't get Kathy's teary eyes out of his mind.<p>

"Kathy, wait!" He called out. "Let me give you a ride."

"You don't have to."

"I want."

"Don't bother!" Kathy yelled suddenly. "I'll be appreciated if you spend the time on finding my husband before things get official!"

Cragen felt people's eyes on him.

"I-I'm sorry, Captain, I-"

Cragen shot a glare to his squad, catching everybody turned away before. "Kathy," he lowered his voice. "I'm on the huge pressure here, too. But you have to understand, that Elliot is under investigation now. If I report his missing, the IABs are gonna be all over this immediately, which will put him in ten times worse circumstance."

Kathy folded her arms, face twisted in pain.

"C'mon, let me take you home."

After a long silent ride, Cragen pulled the car over. "Here we go."

"Oh." The blond blinked, hand reaching to the door, but froze there in the end.

He knew she was crying, again.

"Kathy, just let it out. Don't bring it home."

With that, the blond burst into tears. "I know... I just... can't take this anymore... Since the first day I married a cop, I knew what kind of life was waiting. So I..." she paused a little while, trying hard to pull herself together, "so, no matter how many times I gave birth to our baby without his company; how many lonely nights I lay in the empty bed staring at the ceiling, wondering if the next phone call could be the news of his death... I've never regretted of marrying him..." she chocked with sobs, "never... even after I-" _I found out his affair with his partner…_ "… after I scarified all my youth and passion to build this family, which was more like a shelter full of kids and their single mom now."

"Kathy, he cares a lot 'bout you. He... always tells us how guilty he feels. You know he loves you." Finishing the words, Cragen just felt it useless. What he heard was nothing but the normal fucked life of a cop's wife. He even wondered whether his own marriage would end up this if Marge didn't die.

"It doesn't matter. I just want him back. Captain, I can't… I need to see him whole and alive, standing right in front of me, complaining and yelling like a damn jerk… God..."

Cragen put a hand on her knee, didn't know what to say.

* * *

><p>With a glass of milk in her hand, Alex knocked the bedroom door gently, before getting in.<p>

The brunette looked tired but alert.

"Figure you must be thirsty, so," sitting on the edge of the bed. Alex felt the small talk sucked.

"Lex… don't ask."

Olivia whispered just as the blond was about to say something. "I...Just…"

"Liv, I'm afraid that we have to talk this through, because…" Alex looked away, forcing down the ache in her heart before moved her eyes back. "Wha-, why on earth did you say yes to that bastard's plan? He got no evidence at all. He's bluffing, blackmailing you, Liv, he's-"

"I ha-have to." Olivia held these blue eyes. "Cuz i-it was m-my fault."

Alex rolled eyes with a sigh, "don't you dare-"

"I could h-h-have done s-so much wiser," guilt waved in her voice as she escaping her eyes. "You d-don't get it."

"Right. I was not there that night, but what Stabler did... what happened between you and Stabler, gotta affect the entire things. He is responsible, too. No, actually, he is the one who has primary responsibility for everything! Why can't you just let him take the consequences of what he did? Don't you think that you have been carrying way too much by yourself for too long?"

"It's n-not that s-simple. He h-h-has wife and k-kids to, to-"

"So what?" the blond raised her voice. "Just because he has family to care, doesn't mean he's free to do everything without taking the consequences! He's NOT your… your son, Olivia, why you do this for him?"

"Bec-cause it's one of the f-few things I-I'm still c-ca-capable of now!"

A sudden bump raised in Alex's throat as she witnessed the brunette's chin trembled. "Liv, you don't have to prove anything to anybody. You have done so many things for the people around. You saved Kathy, saved the victims..."

"No!" Olivia shifted uncomfortably, "just st-top… I can't... I-I was nothing l-like th-that." Holding her head in both hands, she closed eyes, "you h-have no idea... recently, I've th-thought everything o-o-over and over ag-gain, only found how stu-stupid I am." And before Alex cut her off, she continued, "I sh-should have cl-cleared those th-things up in the fi-first place... a-and I panicked when… I-I could have han-handled Kathy's ap-pearance better; c-could have... g-gotten out of th-there… I-I mi-missed so, so many ch-chances..."

"Shut up," the blond held Olivia's both hands with hers. "Listen. You even took the bullet which was meant to shoot Kathy with your own body, and risked your life to save two innocent girls! It's… beyond bravery. It's even sacrifice!"

Olivia only shook her head. "It wa-was just cop in-instinct..." The word of "cop" stabbed her hard as she frowning tightly, "but, as a c-c-cop… I'm, w-was…" she chocked in guilt and sorrow, feeling tears rolling down her face.

"You silly…." Alex chocked up, too. It felt like she just fell into the same pain-mire where Olivia had had being prisoned, where filled with nothing but loneliness, cold and desperate uselessness. "Tucker's using you."

The brunette took a deep breath, forcing down a threatened cough. "I d-do what I ha… have to do. Wh-what I-I'm still… ab-able. " She coughed, feeling Alex rubbing her back gently. "...I really ho-hope you can unders-s-stand me."

"I do, Liv. I know how much you hate not being helpful. But it's too damn risky. God knows how the hell he'll make this work. What if... Wh-" I can't. I can't even imagine you're in danger, can't lose you again.

"I'll be f-fine, don't worry. I kn-know, what I'm do-doing."

"You do?" Running her fingers through her hair, Alex frowned. "Liv, you gotta know, that it's NOT your duty anymore to catch the guy. You're still on the road to recovery for God's sake. So just let the Feds do their job. They want to catch the bastard, too."

"No." Olivia shook head immediately. "No o-one wants hi-him as bad a-a-as I do! I'm a-a cop, Alex. A-And he r-ruined my li-life!" Her face went red. "What Y-you want me to, to do?"

"You wanna know?" Alex felt her heart hardened. "I want you to face the fact that you're NOT a cop anymore, Olivia!"

Whole world got frozen up as these cold words exploding.

The deadly silence was long and suffocated. Finally, Alex stood up and took a few steps away. "Li-"

"You th-think I-I-I got p-problem w-with that?" Olivia's entire body trembled as she stammered uncontrollably. "Jus-just bec-cause you nu-nurse me, does-doesn't mean y-y-you know me, o-or got the ri-right to a-acc-cuse me! An-and I d-do not…" Suddenly, she stopped. The pain floating between those blue eyes diluted her urge to snap back. _God, I'm such a..._

Alex folded her arms, doing her best to not show any sign of emotions at all. Deep inside, she slashed herself hard for being cruel just now. However, the procurator in her was aware, that she just touched the bleeding wound of the elder woman's heart. "You don't want him to win, do you?" She softened voice, "Liv, I apologize for… being… so judgmental. I… I think I'm afraid, afraid of-…" She shook head and continued quickly, "I just can't live without you."

Both of them stunned.

"Wh-"/ "I mean," Their mouths opened and closed at the same time, staring at each other.

Alex couldn't help but let her feelings take control, cuz her sanity truly had no idea about what she had just said or what was behind this. "You're the best detective I've ever worked with, Liv. Since the day I left SVU, I felt… alone."

Familiar tenderness seeped from Olivia's heart. "Then wh-why… you le-leave?" Yeah, she always got the soft spot for the blond, always had and always would. Those light blue eyes felt magic, which could be the brightest torches of justice, and be the most powerful magnet getting her soul trapped and lost. All her life, Olivia never got an urge for getting close to a female friend as bad as she did since knew the blond counselor. As they getting closer, she shared more and more personal things with her, even Harris case. But also, on the other side, it scared her to death. Because it violated the basic tenet of her life, never depended, never let down the guard. Though, Olivia always got cheered up whenever seeing the special sparkles shining in Alex's eyes as the blond smiling to her. _Maybe she considered me special too? Or, maybe that was how the soul mate's eyes looked like?_ However, before she actually figured it out, things changed.

Their world shattered due to Alex's departure. Yes, Olivia knew the car accident which she saved Kathy Stabler, somehow affected the blond. And they talked about this once, but only ended up yelling. Since then, it became a kinda scar in both of their lives.

"The same reason you requested a new partner 4 years ago."

_-"Alex, I have to do this, because I can't keep being his partner while caring about him and our relationship more than the victims and justice." _

That piece of memory jumped out almost immediately, startled the brunette.

"It hurt me so much, to see you dedicate everything to make Stabler's life more perfect. And there was nothing I could do… That's why I have to leave, Liv, before I killed myself or killed you. I don't want to lose our precious friendship. You have no idea how much it means to me. Anyway. Back to now, I'm not asking you to... to be someone else. I just hope you can treat yourself much better, Liv. It's time. I believe the reason God plans this, is not to punish you or torture you. He's telling you. It's time to live your own life."

It made Olivia speechless. And before she knew it, tears had streamed down her cheeks. "B-But how? Lex, I d-don't know h-how…"

"We'll figure it out. Trust me. We will." She kneed down beside the brunette, pulling her into her arms.

"No we. Y-You have your li-life… I c-can't…"

"Oh, I'll walk away, sweetie," the blond said with a sad smile, while her tears dropping in silence, "when you're recovered, get your life back someday, playing with him or her in the sunshine," she said, putting her palm on Olivia's belly, "I promise I'll walk away."

Olivia caught her hand and held it tight. "I'll get y-you in t-trouble."

"Look at me," their tearing eyes met. "I respect the decision you made, no matter how bad I want to wipe it off your mind. The same here, I hope you can respect mine, too. I know what I'm doing, how dangerous it's gonna be. But still, this is my choice. I wanna do this with you."

The brunette hugged Alex tight, with nothing to say.

* * *

><p>After the dinner, Alex brought a blanket to Olivia, who sat on the couch with the TV remote in hand.<p>

"In case you're cold." Alex smiled.

"Thank y-you." Olivia smiled back. Yeah, physically, she did feel cold at this rainy night, but never in her heart. Actually, it was the first time she managed enough food down which could be literally called dinner.

"I know you wanna lie down. But please sit for a little longer, ok? The doctor said the sitting position can prevent the after meal sick."

"I'm f-fine."

"Good. Then, we can catch my favorite movie now."

Olivia couldn't help but grin seeing the blond's shining, childish smile. She missed it, missed it so much.

As the movie playing, the two women kept shifting slightly from time to time, looking for more comfortableness in the couch. And not more than 20 minutes later, Alex heard the brunette's light snore.

She smiled, feeling a long lost happiness overwhelmed her world.

Only God knew how long Alex had been watching the sleeping brunette in her arms. The tiny movement of her nosewings, the faint blush floating on her cheeks, and the light smell coming from her previous shower mixed with the remaining hospital scent... All of these was doing nothing but dissolve Alex's heart into water.

She felt like she could stay still like this forever, just for watching and enjoying. Because the brunette kinda reminded her some lazily napping cat, so warm, soft, skinny… and alive.

Alive and close to her heart.

It brought a sweet smile to the blond's face.

_Sleep babe, just sleep…_

Very carefully and slowly, she took the remote from Olivia's hand, turning down the television volume.

* * *

><p>However, their brief peace didn't last long.<p>

Just as Alex closing her eyes, both of them flinched at the sudden knocking at the door.

"Ssshh, it's ok, honey," Alex gave Olivia's cheek a gentle stroke, peeping on the wall clock. _Damn! Who the hell is capable of visiting the sick at 10 pm in the night without calling first. _She swore, if that IAB dumbass came back again…

"Oh, sorry, I… how l-long..." Olivia swallowed drily, struggling to push herself up and calm her pounding heart.

"Easy, easy. It must be Tucker again. Don't worry, let me handle him." Alex helped the brunette sit up, frowning in how numb her legs were.

Olivia nodded. Now she didn't need a mirror to know how awful she must be. There was no possibility she could manage to play the tough cop for another round. She just couldn't.

But as the visitor making sound, Olivia's heart stopped beating.

"I need to see her."

Alex's jaw dropped. It literally cost her a little while to identify the dirty, messy man who covered with bruises man standing in front of her.

"E-Elliot…?"

**(TBC)**

* * *

><p><strong>what would you like Elliot to do the next? And Alex?<strong>

**Tell me what you think, please.**

**I'm longing for every single word you guys write to me! Your reviews made my day :) **

**Love you~~:)**


	20. Chapter 20

**CHAPTER 20**

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for all your reviews, my dear readers:) You have no idea how exciting I got whenever seeing a new massage coming from you guys!<strong>

**This is my first fanfic, and it actually based on some real experiences of myself. **

**So, sometimes, it feels like going through my life all over again, which is good. Because I finally got time to think over things, and, you know, feeling the meanings of life. **

**And in this chapter, Elliot came to see Olivia, after been missing for days. So, what would he do? And how would Benson react? **

**Check it out! **

* * *

><p><em><strong>(-Continued From Previous Chapter-)<strong>_

"E-Elliot?"

He stood riveted, as if he wasn't breathing at all, eyes flying directly over Alex's shoulder.

Following behind, the blond turned around quickly and found Olivia had lost all the color in the face.

"El…? What, ha-happened to y-you…?" The brunette's voice sounded foreign and terrified.

He held those brown eyes for a long. "What exactly did happen at that night?"

With that, Olivia's ears tingled.

The two partners stayed perfectly still, gazing deeply into each other's eyes, as if there was no one else existed in the world.

From the brunette's face, Alex witnessed clearly how the emotions flying through her heart one by one. Surprise, concern, anger, doubt… and in the end… something unreadable.

"Doesn't ma-matter." Finally, Olivia breathed, breaking the silence.

"Damn, it DOES!" Elliot rushed over to the sofa, falling to his knees.

"Elliot!" Alex tried to grab him but failed.

"Please, Alex… could you give us a moment? I really need to get this clear, before…" slowly, he turned back to Olivia, who refused to meet his eyes. "Liv, I know it may not be the good time to talk about… what I'm going to talk, but,"

Olivia groaned before he finished. "Don't..."

"Just tell me, did I… d-di… did I… I r-"

"S-Stop!" Olivia shot a glare at him, lips trembled slightly. "Don't you th-think it is… p-pointless?"

"Pointless? No, please, listen to me. I'm not asking for your forgiveness here. I come to… confess... and to find the truth." The scent of tear drifted into his voice. "Only God knows how deep my regret is, when I found out what I might have done to you that night, I... These days I've been walking in the street like some... homeless or… I-I almost…" Hot tears poured down his cheeks. "But none of these could possibly ease any bit of the pain whenever I picturing all the unforgivable brutalities I did to y-"

"Y-You alm-most did... wh-what?"

A bitter smile slipped out. "Right here," he poked his chest hard with a finger. "I've killed myself thousand times. But I can't... I can't, because deep down I know I don't even deserve that relief at all! I need, I have to fix whatever I have broken as long as I'm still a man!"

Her voice waved in ironies and anger. "F-Fix…? Fix wh-what? An-And how?"

"Everything, Olivia, tell me, let me know what happened that night, please… I, I just… believe or not, I really don't remember many things, can't… can't put the pieces in my head together... I was too damn drunk. Oh… God, I'm sorry, Olivia, you're the last person in the world I want to hurt! I swear, if I can turn back time, I'd take back every single harm I gave you no matter what it'd cost… Liv, Liv, please just tell me-"

"Wh-What the f-fuck y-you want to, to know?" Her head was throbbing as she yelling.

He raised his voice, too. "I want to know if I..."

"It D-DOSE'T ma-matter anym-more!"

"It DOES MATTER, Olivia! Because I want to spend the rest of my life making amends for my fault!"

"Y-You, d-ddon't, h-have to-"

"Yes, I do, and I want! Because, I... love you!"

All of them widened eyes, as the whole world fell into deadly quiet.

Alex watched back and forth between the two partners carefully, hearing nothing but that L word echoing loudly in her ears time and time again. Her mind blacked out, which spread numbness all over her body in the twinkling of an eye and made everything feel so unreal.

Everything.

Except for the sourness inside her chest, as if someone injected sulfuric acid into her heart causing the burning pain beyond unbearable. Though, this time, she identified it.

Jealous.

_Jealous?_

_...Or angry?_

_Fuck you, Stabler!_

Though, instead of punching him in the face, somehow Alex squeezed eyes shut and walked away. Because an urge coming from nowhere made her feel like an outsider all of a sudden, while some part of her was still longing for brunette's reaction at the same time.

Before she knew it, she had grabbed her cellphone, and stormed out of the apartment.

Every cell of her being was dying for some air, some distraction. Yeah, to call Cragen might be a decent thing to do, now. God knew how many people were looking for him.

But she never expected as soon as the door closing, a ringing slap rent the freezing air in the other side.

The blond jumped, hand sticking on the doorframe, mouth half opened, and her mind went blank all of a sudden.

Alex Cabot hated to be such a dumbass who didn't even know what to feel as things came. But at this moment, she knew she definitely was. Because besides picturing the scene happened behind her back seconds ago, her mind hadn't worked a shit at all.

Was she happy for the very reaction she kinda longed for from Olivia? Or, she did taste some secretly satisfaction of vengeance?

_Vengeance..._

Yeah, she wanted to do that, too, and it was what he deserved. But, this word still felt so ironic that making herself laugh mentally. Though, weird thing was, how the hell it brought her tears down?

These tears tasted bitter and sour.

* * *

><p>Kathy Stabler closed the door of the twins after saying goodnight, and let her smile drop off as soon as knowing her out of the kids' sight.<p>

She was just too exhausted to be herself anymore.

And her stomach started to ache, reminding her how long she had not touched any real food.

_Shit. What kind of mom I am?_

She knew she had to eat, eat for the baby at least.

Finally making it to the kitchen, she found her hand reached out automatically to the fridge.

That was when she stirred.

God, everything about the food, smell, color…literally turned her stomach.

She slammed the fridge close immediately and covered her mouth.

How came things ended up like this?

Once upon a time, whenever opened the fridge her heart would feel nothing but exciting, for every plate and bowl always represented some of their hope and happiness. Beef, to make him stronger; milk, good for her skin; chocolate ice cream, their favorite at the Friday night… And now...

The phone rang.

Kathy wiped her eyes, forcing a deep breath.

"... yeah, Captain... " And she widened eyes, "his GPS what?... Oh, thank God. Where is he?... Wh- Why?… Fine... Thanks, Cap."

"Mom? What happened? Is Dad alright?" Lizzie stood far from her, like some frightened deer.

Hanging off the phone, Kathy rushed to her daughter and hugged her body. "Dad's fine, sweetie, nothing happened. He's coming home."

"Really? Where's he now?" she pushed them apart.

"He's, um, at Olivia's." She managed a smile.

Lizzie moved her lips, but didn't say anything. Though, finally she asked under her breath. "Dad found out it was me, didn't he? Maybe, that's why he left us."

"What? What were you?"

"The video… Dickie showed to Dad, actually… It was me, who found it first… But mom, I swear I didn't watch it… I shut it off as soon as I saw…"

Kathy's heart ached. "Oh, no, no, sweetheart, it has nothing to do with you. And Dad was not angry... not to you or Dickie." She stroked Lizzie's soft hair, "he was just upset, you know. Sometimes, even Dad needs time to… to be alone, to think."

"Mom, Olivia is getting better, isn't she?"

"Yes, she's doing well. Alex takes good care of her."

"Then why Dad came to see her first, instead of us?"

Kathy pinched her lips as if being stabbed in the chest. "She is still very sick, because. You know how much your dad cares about his partner."

"Yeah… but," the girl quickly tore up. "Sometimes I feel like… envy Olivia."

Kathy held her breath. Literally, the mom here had no idea what to say besides holding her daughter against her chest.

_So do I…Damn you, Stabler._

* * *

><p>Olivia gasped. The sudden movement made her lightheaded. "D-Don... y-you dare..." she gripped on the edge of the sofa, keeping herself from collapsing.<p>

"Liv!" Ignoring the pain in his cheek, Elliot caught her shoulders.

She shook his hand off. "Fu... o-off!" Tears rolled down her face as her voice trembled. "God-... why... El? W-Why can't y-you ju-just stop p-playing with me?"

"I'm not... I don't play with you, Liv. I know what I'm doing. And I've made up my mind, to divorce Kathy and then, then..."

"Oh..." Olivia closed eyes and turned away. She felt what he was about to say was something she couldn't take, something used to be the most painful, fuzzy, sweet and bitter fantasy of her life. No, not used to be. Honestly, it still was there, though she had buried them into the deepest place of her soul with the dust of all these years' time. And it turned to a scar, a scar hurt too much to be touched. "Y-You don't... p-play. Th-then what w-was that? Do w-women mean any-anything to you? Or... it's jus-just pity?"

Elliot held her eyes without a blink. "I never pitied you, Liv, never have, never will. I just... for all my life, I want to be honest to my feeling this time. Tell me, and don't lie to yourself, Olivia, do you want a home? A home with us growing old together; and a new me, not being a cop anymore, so I can wake up beside you in every morning, cook dinner for us, and take you to go fishing in the weekend..."

"Sto-top it! I-I'm..." Chewing on the inside of her bottom lip, Olivia choked. His words peeled shells of her heart coat by coat... She doubted how long she could resist, and it frustrated her, almost got her self-disgust. "I-I'm not th-that s-strong. I c-can't... Fuck, El... Y-You want truth?" She scanned those blue eyes which gazing directly back at her. And she looked away before continue. "Elev-ven years, I've b-been holding toge-gether with you in li-life and death... You're the l-longest re-relationsh-ship I've e-ever had with a-a man. A-And yes, I... got f-feelings for you." As she blinking, hot tears poured down. "I-I even th-thought ab-about..." She stopped, shaking head slowly. "Never m-mind... Every t-t-time I stepped f-forward, y-you stepped b-back... utill th-this time K-Kathy preg." As soon as that name getting out, the way Elliot moaning it when he on top of her flooded over. "Sh-she is the one you tr-truly l-love, y-you son of a..." A sudden nausea rushed up, turning her stomach violently.

She barely got the time leaning her head out of the couch, before the heave started.

Luckly, Elliot got the trashcan in time, and wrapped her shoulders to support her weight. "Let it out, let it..." Soon, beside the shock, it hurt his feeling to sense her attempt of struggle at the same time he touched her.

Yeah, the brunette tried once to get rid of him, but as weak as her body got, now catching her breath literally cost the most of her energy, no mention managing any fight.

Finally, she was done, after all her dinner came out.

It killed Elliot to see the brunette suffering. His hand trembled and sweated while cradling Olivia's weightless body in his arms, caring her cheeks. And he spent like forever to murmur "breathe... it's ok..." over and over again in her ears, until eventually saw the coughing and gasping calmed.

Olivia was sobbing now, wept buckets.

Feeling Elliot wiped the sweet and tear off her face and hearing his familiar voice, breath... the only thing she actually did was just lying there and breaking down in the way she'd always hated the most of a woman being vulnerable in front of a man, no matter how bad her mind and sensibility were fighting. Yeah, it happened again, overwhelmingly frustration coming from physical pain of her injured body. And it shattered her self-respect and willpower which used to make her who she'd always proudly been, shattered the old Olivia Benson.

"Liv, I know I don't even deserve you, I really don't. But please, give me a chance, a chance to create a future belongs to you and me. I can assure you. My marriage is done... After she gives birth to Eli, I'll make the divorce work."

"E-Eli...?" _So, the baby named Eli?_

He blushed. "We... I-... The baby is named after me..."

_"We"..._ She pictured how the couple named their baby with sweet smiles on their faces, and her hand unconsciously slipped down to her belly.

Her heart skipped a beat, but she smiled anyway as another round of pouring tears ran down. "Oh... th-that's... beaut-beautiful..."

"Liv..." His thumb moved to wipe the corner of her eye.

"El," she caught his wrist, shaking head slowly. "You can n-not do this, to E-Eli, and Kathy. It's... wrong."

"I have to... Liv, if someone I unavoidably will hurt, I don't want it'd be you. I can't."

"It's no-nothing t-to do with that, El. F-Face it... you st-still... love her."

"Uh," he groaned, "How can I make you believe... I don't even want to walk into that house now!"

Anger crawled on the corner of Olivia's mouth. "Then y-you're either a l-l-liar or jerk!"

He narrowed eyes in annoyed. "I just lost my feelings for her, can't I? We were both kids when we got married... Yeah, I did love her in the first beginning, I really did, but after all the years... now this marriage ended up nothing but a jail to me! I want to set both me and her free, instead of keep hurting each other in the name of so called 'love', because I don't love her anymore. Liv, life's short. I really want to be honest with my life for at least once."

"Yeah, l-life is sh-short... That's w-why we can't af-fford taking the wr-wrong way, again!"

"It's not a wrong way, Liv, how-"

"F-Fuck! It's j-just can't be m-m-more wrong to l-leave s-someone you l-love!"

"Dammit! How many times do you need me to say-"

"Y-You were ev-even moaning her n-n-name when you o-on top of m..." She suddenly choked, taking a breath to force down the familiar nauseas.

There.

This time, Elliot's stomach turned as well.

_What...?_

Watching the anger mixed with disgust and heartbreak filled in those brown eyes, he suddenly felt himself dirty.

Silently, he laid her down on the couch and walked away.

"Jesus Christ..." he stood with his back towards her, "Oh... what the hell have I done... Oh, oh..." punching a fist against the front door, he dropped his head.

Elliot closed his eyes, feeling his blood boiled bit by bit.

_So, you son of a bitch fucked her, fucked her right on the living room floor while calling your wife's name._

"God... Liv, I'm so-" Words died on his lips. Language could no longer express any bit of his guilt and self-accusation. "Damn, I'm such a scumbag... I'm... God, I know, how useless an apology can be, and I don't ask for your forgiveness either, but... Liv," biting on his bottom lip, he turned to the brunette, dropping to his knees. "I'm so... so, sorry..."

The moment making eye contact with him, Olivia felt her heart shattered into pieces.

"Tell me, Olivia, what you want me to do. I can give myself up, which is what I deserve the most, or... give me a chance, let me take care of you and the baby... I know, I know I'm the father, I can feel that..." his tears streamed down, "or, whatever you want me to do, anything, even... you want me to die,"

"No! N-No... no..." she shook her head hard, sobbing and coughing, "g-g-get... u-up, I d-don'-... ne-need anything f-from y-you..."

"C'mon, Liv, I'm begging you..." the big man's tears are unstoppable now. "...To be honest, I know that only to die in your hand could possibly wash my sins away... which is what I'm longing for. I don't afraid of death, Liv, I don't. What I'm truly afraid... is whenever awaring you'll have to raise the baby all by yourself..."

"Sto-top..." And holding her head with one hand and her chest with the other, she started to see stars flying in front of her eyes. "Wh-what's d-done... i-is... done, El. W-We had s-sex, a mi-mistake. That's i-it. The o-only thing I w-want, is... mo-moving on. A-And this b-baby... is... m-m-mine, only, m-mine, as w-well as m-my l-life. I believe af-after... what I-I've been th-through, and I'm st-still... here, is b-because of, of the ba-baby. S-She, or he... w-wants to live, no matter h-how tough a li-life's waiting o-on the w-way. So, I h-have to, and I-I will f-fight for the ba-baby... My mom m-made it, I w-will too."

"God, how come the baby is only yours? I am the father, I want and I have to take responsibility! No way I'll let you do this."

"S-So you l-let HER do th-this?" Her face went red as the vein on her forehead standing out. "She i-is carrying y-your fle-lesh and blood!"

"Like you're not?"

"I'm... I... don't kn-know..." Her yell ended up a whisper under her breath.

"Liv, this baby's mine. The doctor said unless a miracle happened, or no way could your body get pregnant in that circumstance."

"Mi-miracle... does ha-happen... y-you can't b-be 100% sure..." she murmured.

"Fine. What if I don't care whether it's mine or not? I just wanna be the father of your child."

"No!" she shook her head violently. "It's not a-about the b-baby. S-She needs you, m-more than I-I do... You j-just... I'm, not... b-breakin' your fa-family."

"God dammit! It is NOT you. It's me!"

"Y-You c-can't!"

"Yes, I can! Because... I'm, I'm not gonna lie to myself anymore, Liv. I'm... in love with you. Isn't this enough?"

"Y-You d-d-don't!...an-and w-why NOW?" she cried out, "... ele-leven f-fucking years, y-you never... e-even...Why... n-now, El? J-Just b-because y-you fu-fucked me o-once, or I h-ha-have to sp-pend the r-rest of m-my life in wheelch-chair? "

Stunned. Elliot went literally speechless.

Y_eah... why, now? Why haven't you done any fucking thing in these fucking 11 years?_

"Liv... I'm sorry... for being a jackass all these years... I know I should have... I just... After almost losing you-"

"You d-don't..." The words died in her throat as her body suddenly twisted and twitched.

Elliot felt his heart stopped. "OLIVIA!"

**(To Be Continued)**

* * *

><p><strong>What do you think of this chapter? Should Olivia forgive him? And how about Alex? <strong>

**You know, I really feel heartache for Alex in this story. What she supposed to do? **

**EOA... **

**Tell me your feelings, please:)**


	21. Chapter 21

**CHAPTER 21**

**_**(-Continued From Previous Chapter-)**_**

**Luckily, the seizure didn't last long this time. Several second later, the brunette collapsed in her partner's arms.**

**He swallowed drily. "Ok, ok, it passed. Liv, can you hear me?" **

**It seemed like every bit of energy had drifted out of her body. "Mmm... why... happened?" She tried to open her eyes, but felt the eyelids too heavy to lift. **

**"You had a seizure. But it's over...You're ok now... You can have a little rest now." He cupped her face in both hands feeling his heart still pounding like hell. And the way he soothing her, was more like soothing himself. **

**But just as his long held breathing coming out, Elliot realized that something must be wrong. **

**The brunette started to gasp, curling her body up with one hand griping on her belly tightly. **

**"What's wrong, Liv?... Olivia?..." His heart stopped beating as witnessing Olivia's lips turned deathly pale.**

**"H... H-Hur...ts..." Drops of sweat rolled down her forehead. **

**"Where hurts? Your belly? Li-" **

**Suddenly, her body weight sank as she passing out. **

_**What's going on? **_

**Elliot stunned, breaking out in a cold sweat. And the next second, his eyes stuck on the crotch of her pants. **

**There was blood. **

_**Oh, shit!**_

**He dug out his phone with trembling hand. "Alex, I'm, I'm taking her to the hospital now... She's... I'm running out of time! Meet me there."**

* * *

><p><strong>Actually, Alex was just sitting on the front stairs of the apartment building when she got Elliot's call. It made her jump up and run back to the elevator before Elliot hung up on her. <strong>

**She met him carrying her lifeless body as soon as the elevator door opened. **

**And, since the first look on the bright blood dyeing those baby-blue pajama trousers she gave her, Alex hadn't actually taken in any word coming from Elliot any more.**

**She didn't even know how they got the brunette into the car, or how they got the hospital. **

**Now, waiting outside the ER room, the two of them acted like strangers.**

**"Who's waiting for Olivia Benson?" **

**"Here!" Alex jerked her head up. "is she ok? And the baby?"**

**"Sorry, Miss. But you are...?" The middle-aged female doctor looked back and forth between Alex and Elliot.**

**"I'm... her partner."/ "We're partners." They answered together. **

**In the brief awkward, Alex felt the two men's eyes on her. "This is Detective Stabler. He and Olivia are NYPD detectives." She blurted before he could speak. "They're working partners. And me," she looked directly at the doctor, "I' Alex Cabot, her life partner." With that, she saw Elliot's shocking and confusing stare from the corner of her eyes.**

**"Ok, so," Doc cleared her throat a little, before continued. "She's lucky, for being taken here in time. It's hard to say what triggered the bleeding, but one thing we know it for sure: Another ten minutes later, she'll be in big trouble. Anyway, she's fine now, and the baby too. I keep her spend the night in hospital for observation, so we can run more tests on her."**

**"Thank God..." Elliot closed eyes in relief, ignoring the blond's glare. "May I see her?" when he reopened his eyes, Alex had looked away. **

**"Sorry. She's exhausted and weak. Honestly, for all my career, it's rare to see a pregnant patient as weak and skinny as she is. You'd better give her at least 10 hours to sleep without being disturbed." **

**_Only if she can actually sleep. _Alex sighed. "She uh... can you give her something to help her sleep? She's... She has problems with sleep."**

**"I'm afraid not. We have to be very careful with drugs, due to her condition. You know, now the baby is almost... touch and go."**

**"Ok... just," the blond nodded slowly. "tell her nurse to keep the bed-lamp on, for the darkness kinda... freaking her out."**

**"Sure." The Doc excused herself. **

**"What was that?" As they were alone, Elliot stepped closer. **

**Alex turned to him. "What was what?" **

**"You tell me. You said you'd take care of her, but look what you've done!"**

**"Me?" Alex felt her blood rushing upward immediately. "10 minutes I left her with you and she ended up in the goddamn ER. Tell me what you have done!"**

**He moved his eyes away briefly, before meeting her glare again. "It's killing me to see her looks even worse than the last time I saw her, Alex."**

**The heartache in his voice kind of softened Alex's anger. "It kills me, too..."**

**The two of them sat down in the cold hard chairs beside the wall.**

**"She's been having nightmare, flashback, no mention the physical pain and pregnancy reactions... which making her can barely eat or sleep. I tried everything, everything literally... It would be a long damn way to get her back on the right way, you know that, Elliot. So please, just give her a break, leave her alone for at least... a month or so. She's not made of iron, Stabler. Every time you showed up, you only brought chaos to her already painful life, don't you think?" She forced herself not to raise voice. "Seriously, Stabler, where have you been these days? Why,- What did you say to her?"**

**He kept quiet for a long while. "That night, after talking to you outside the bar, I felt like," his eyes lost focus. "I walked in a church and spent... I don't know how long, there. It's the most... painful time of my life. Yeah, it is. And the reason I finally dragged my pathetic ass out of the death wish, is... her."**

**It turned her stomach. "I asked what you said to her."**

**"No offence, Alex, but it's only between us." He rose to his feet.**

_**Us. **_

**Anger suddenly overwhelmed Alex. "I don't know where comes the 'us'." She was standing face to face with Elliot now. "You son of a bitch raped your partner and now it suddenly turned out some private issue?"**

**"I didn't rape her! She confirmed that." **

**It stung. **

**Though Alex didn't let it show. "She did? And you bastard buy immediately it without any bit of doubt in your few remaining conscience?" **

**"Screw you, Cabot! Tell you one last time: I, didn't, do that, and I will never, ever, hurt her! Cuz I fucking love her!" **

**"So do I!"**

**Those words dropped like a bomb. **

**Alex felt like she had just been struck by lightning.**

_**What did I just say?**_

**"Excuse me?" Elliot scanned the counselor, whose face was nothing but an unreadable statue. **

**Suddenly, his phone rang. **

**"I'm still in the hospital... She's fine now. I think..."**

**Alex walked away, knowing it must be his wife calling. **

**After the phone call, he left. With her eyes looking at everywhere but him, Alex didn't even know what the last sentence he said to her before left. **

**Now, she was alone, standing in the noisy ER hall filled with people coming and going, and suddenly felt like an alien, to this world, and to herself.**

* * *

><p><strong>When Olivia waking up, the first thing she caught in her sight was an IV bag. <strong>

_**Hospital? So quiet?**_

**She blinked. But no, it didn't clear her blurred eyes, nor her confusing mind at all. **

_**How long have I been... Oh, no, wait.**_

**She remembered everything soon. And almost immediately, all the environmental noises, smells and the physical pains, exhaustions... flooded over and overwhelmed her. **

_**Oh, God, my baby. **_

**It made her wide awake all of a sudden. She leaned up, using all her strength, trying to yank the needle out of her hand back. **

**"Hey! Don't do that!" **

**A strong power gripped her hand and pressed her body back down to the bed. **

**"I... c-can't... my b-bbaby..." **

**"Your baby is fine, relax. And this is just glucose. Stop fighting me!" **

**Now, Olivia finally got her focus back, seeing the annoyed nurse who was checking the IV needle for her. **

_**Glucose?**_

**She stopped moving, starting to look around. It seemed like a big room. Though the plastic curtains, she could hear people walking, talking, moaning and the beeps of machines. **

**"How are you feeling? Any pain or dizzy? Need anything?" The nurse yawned, doing her routine.**

**Somewhere inside her skull hurt like hell. But she was just too exhausted to say. The only thing she wanted is going home, back to her own bed, with...**

**Thinking about Alex, she took a quick look around once again. "What... t-time n-now?" **

**"What? You got problem with speaking?" Nurse didn't hear clear, leaning closer. **

_**Never mind. **_

**Olivia closed her eyes, shaking head slightly. Her body was screaming for rest now, and it felt like midnight anyway. **

**"Fine. Listen up. You're still with me?"**

**Olivia frowned, forcing her eyes crack open. **

**"This is the emergency pushbutton," the nurse thrust something in her palm. "If you need something or feel any uncomfortable, especially headache, press it. It is really important. Cuz the CT scan showed the intracranial hematoma is growing. You hear me?" **

_**What?**_

**(TBC)**


	22. Chapter 22

**I'm sorry for the shortness of the last chapter. But in this chapter, I promise to bring you something deserves your support. Thanks for every single review from you guys!**

**I know, this story's a little too painful comparing to some sweet EO/AO fics, but trust me, hurting Olivia is not my point. I'm not that evil~~ :) LOL**

**Since this is my first fiction, and based on some real experiences of my life, I really have something to share. So, it you're willing to be supportive and patient, I'll sooooo appreciate! **

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 22<strong>

Lightning swept across the night sky as the first storm of this spring coming closer.

But to Alex Cabot, the storm inside her heart terrified her more badly.

The doctor was long gone after their conversation ended up her cursing. Now, with her hand sticking on the knob, palm getting sweaty, she had been standing there long enough to feel her feet hurt.

The counselor wondered how came human could end up as cold-blood as doctors acted like. Every time, every heartbreaking choice they thrust to her, always came out so easily of their professionally cruel lips.

_"Go talk to her. Keep the baby or deal with the hematomas, she can only choose one, before it's too late. I'm sorry."_

That was the only thing Alex heard before the ER doctor walked away. Yeah, maybe she did throw some harsh words to his receding figure, which she vaguely remembered, but so what?

_Fuck..._

Alex felt like she'd rather kill herself first to throw this shit to Olivia. And worse than that, she was terrified of the results.

"Lex?"

The gentle calling from behind almost made Alex jump. "Yeah, I'm here, sweetie." She forced a deep breath and put on an innocent smile, getting into the room.

Under the dim lamplight, she saw Olivia smiled back.

"Hey, sleepyhead, did the thunders wake you up? How are you feeling?"

Olivia shook her head slowly. "Fine."

The blond came to the bedside, gently putting a hand on the sick woman's cheek. "You scared the hell out of me. You know that?"

"Sor-rry." She leaned toward the tender hand stroking her temple.

"No. It's not your fault, silly..." Thinking about Stabler, only brought her headache. "Good thing is nothing happened to the baby."

"Yeah..." Olivia closed her eyes. "I w-wanna sit u-up. Back… hurts."

"Sure, but just for a while, okay?" With that, Alex helped her up, adjusting the pillow in a comfortable place.

Then, the room went silent. Alex couldn't help but felt nervous rising, secretly wondering whether it was an appropriate moment to talk about… that.

Hell, only if there was such a moment called "appropriate moment" ever existed.

"I... uhm... h-heard," suddenly, the brunette lifted her eyelids, "things you t-talked... o-out there."

Their eyes meeting, Alex's throat tightened. "Honey, I'm so sorry..." Actually, she smelled a "what do you think?" followed by, but she bit them down.

The counselor got cold feet, doubting whether her heart could take any of the answers was about to come.

"I want..."

"Liv," Alex cut her off quickly. "You still got time, don't make decisions in a hurry. It's something you need to carefully think through."

Her eyes never left hers. "I'm... gonna k-keep the b-baby."

Another flash of lightning lit the room, sending a chill through the blond. She moved her lips, but nothing came out.

"I know. Wh-what I'm... doing."

"Hope you do." Alex snapped, sensing anger floating in her voice. "It's your life you're-" You're giving up... "It hasn't to be this way. Don't you think? Life is where hopes rely on!"

The brunette turned her head to the other side. "What i-"

Before she finished, the lamp went out with a deafening thunder. No, not only the lamp, but the entire world went black at the same time.

"A-Alex?"

"Easy, easy, honey."

In the sudden dark, Alex heard her heart pounding like hell. Bur she knew the brunette must be thousand times terrified than she was.

"Here, I'm here, honey." She reached hands, bending down, and almost immediately she felt Olivia threw her arms out and wrapped them tightly around her neck.

"It's ok. It's ok! Just power failure. The emergency lighting's coming on. I promise…" She gently stroked Olivia's short hair, trying to ease the crazy trembling of her body.

"I h-h-hate… da-dark…"Even her teeth started to chatter as she gasped.

Alex could tell that the brunette was desperately forcing her exploding panic down, while her body was acting the opposite. Her heart slammed against hers, and her fingernails began to dig into her flesh.

"Sweetie, take it easy... You're hurting me…" Alex carefully shifted, fearing the sudden move would only make things worse.

But Olivia held even more tightly. "S-SSomeone's h-h-here. I-I need… Wh-Where… Wh-" Suddenly, she let go, started to search for something on in the dark.

She knew she was looking for a weapon.

"Liv, Olivia!" The blond finally caught Olivia's wildly waving hands. "Calm down. No one is here, just you and me. Hey, listen, feel this." She grabbed those shaking hands and pressed them on her face. "See, it's me, Alex. Focus on my voice, Liv, stay focus!" The brunette finally stopped struggling. "You're in the hospital, honey, with hundreds of doctors, nursed and securities around here. It's completely safe, ok? Just a thunder caused the electrical short. You hear me?"

"Emmm... Ye-yes…" Olivia was both nodding and shaking her head.

Tentatively and carefully, the blond cupped Olivia's face with her hands. She knew the brunette was doing her best to seal the flashbacks out of her head. "Honey, listen up, imagine what this room looks like, can you? C'mon, Liv, picture it in your mind. With or without the light, this room is all the same, right? Just four bored white walls, a stupid TV and a blond ADA whose hair has been painfully messing up by your fingers…"

Finally, their eyes got used to the darkness. And Olivia blinked. "A...Alex?"

"Yes, yes, it's me..." She smiled in relief. "I'm here with you, and I'm not going anywh-"

Her sentence didn't finish, for a sudden BANG burst from the doorway.

The door slammed open. Before they figured out what happened, two blindingly flashlights shoot over, making both of them turned aside and shut their eyes.

Click. Click.

Something cold, metallic pressed on their temples.

"Don't move, don't scream. Or you're dead."

* * *

><p>Wrapping a towel around his hip and standing in front of the mirror which was fogged by steam, Elliot Stabler sort of felt like a human again. That was when he felt the throbbing headache and sore muscles. He knew he must be running a fever or something. But he kinda enjoyed it, enjoyed finally being alone and not facing people's eyes, because for all his life, he never felt so desperately longed to get away from the entire world.<p>

Deep inside, he was aware that the decision had been made. But the painful thing was, as the figure of future getting more and more clear, the sense of guilt also chewed harder and harder on every bone of his body.

He just couldn't say it to her, could he? No matter when she was carrying the baby in her belly or holding the baby in arms.

Sighing heavily, he lifted a hand up, wiping the mirror.

Shit.

Once his bruised, untrimmed bearded, old face showed up, Elliot dropped his eyes instantly as if being sun burnt.

It scared him, frustrated him, and even... disgusted him.

"Elliot?" Kathy knocked on the door. "Can I come in?"

"Give me a second. I'm just... I need to shave." A shiver running through his body reminded him how long he had stayed naked in this heat faded room.

"Okay…" She sounded suspicious and concerned. "Seriously, are you alright? You make me worried."

_I'm killing myself._

Taking a deep breath, Elliot opened the door.

"Jesus… let me see your face." The minute she saw her husband, her hand reached to his cheek.

"Ah," he turned away. "I'm ok. It's not that bad as it looks like."

She ignored him, opening the medicine cabinet. "Maybe I'm not gonna push you to tell what the hell exactly happened in these days," she turned to him with a tube of hirudoid cream. "But Elliot, you're a father of five, for God's sake. You're not running away from home and come back with injuries all over your face claiming you fell!"

He eyed the door.

"Never mind. At least..." She sighed, gently applying the cream on these injuries of his face. "... at least you're home."

Elliot closed his eyes, feeling her familiar breath. She smelled like she'd been cooking, cleaning... like a wife.

"Oh, wait." She paused, quickly moving her hand to his forehead. "God, you're burning up! C'mon, put on your pajamas now and I go get you an ice-bag."

He stood still, feeling as if not in the same universe with her.

"You just can't take care of yourself, can you?"

She kept lecturing something which totally made no sense to him. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he heard himself said. "let's divorce, Kath."

* * *

><p>"Don't move and shut up. Or you're dead!"<p>

This voice shot through Olivia's heart like a bullet.

_Right...Helicopter... Jason Walker. _The voice popped out of her memory. _Stop play fucking dead, you fucking dirty bitch!..._ It was the last thing she heard before she felt being kicked and falling...

"Who are you? What do you want?"

Alex's shaky voice was barely a whisper, but hitting Olivia hard.

_Oh, God no..._

Olivia flinched, for her worst nightmare seemed coming true. She never, ever, wanted Alex got any kind of hurt because of her shitty life.

With that, cold sweat poured down the brunette from head to toe under the effect of epinephrine, making her brain wide awake.

_Okay. So, the other guy must be him?_

"Just shut your mouth if you don't wanna watch her die." A smirk flickered at the corner of T Walker's mouth as he sensing Olivia's obvious tenseness. "Which surely will ruin all the fun I gonna have with her... and you." He pulled out something from his pocket, and thrust it to Alex's hand. "Give me your phone and blindfold yourself."

At the same time, Jason threw a roll of medical bandage to Olivia, too. "Do what he said."

"T, let h-her g-go." Olivia squeezed Alex's cold hand, half for calming her half for finding strength. "S-She's... noth-thing to do… wi-with it."

BANG. Alex's head jerked to the other side with a gun-butt blow.

"Lex!"

Jason leaned to Olivia's ear, chuckled. "See? Here's a rule for both of you. You don't behave, she gets punished."

"I'm…"The blond gripped Olivia's arm, managing regain her balance, "alright."

And as she turning, Olivia saw the blood seeping out of Alex's brow-bone.

"Okay...Okay, we'll do it, just, don't hurt us." Alex's breath was shallow when she shakily blindfolding herself. "My phone's here. And hers is at home."

_Great... they're moving us to somewhere._ Olivia blindforld herself, too, forcing a deep breath. "Where t-to go?"

T ignored her. "You don't have a phone?" Unlocking Alex's iphone, he dialed and waited.

Olivia knew he must be dialing her number.

"Powered off, huh?"

"Calm down, T. We only need to make sure she doesn't bring one with her."

Olivia's heart skipped a beat. And before she knew it, Jason had roughly thrown her blanket away.

She didn't move, but feeling their fiery eyes on her legs.

"Holy… Bro, you really... did a hell of a number on her."

Jason' smirk sickened Olivia. And the next second, she felt hands running up and down her body. "Get the f-fuck..."

"Stay still!" T backhanded Alex, throwing her down on the bed. "Next time I'll punch her teeth out, if you talk again."

Olivia stopped moving immediately, though, the several second body searching felt like hours to her. When it finished, she almost puked out.

"She's clear. We can go now."

"Good." With that, T gritted teeth, throwing Alex's phone to the ground, crushing it to pieces. "You don't need this shit anymore."

The loud noise made the two women jump.

Jason laughed and quickly carried Olivia up in his strong arms. "God, this one legged dog already turned me on."

"Don't touch her, you sick bastard!"

"Hey!" T pressed the barrel hard against Alex's neck. "One more fucking word, I swear! Now get the fuck up and come with me."

Sitting in the wheelchair getting out of the room, Olivia couldn't help but trying her best to hear everything around, which only making the hair on her back stand up.

This hall feels too creepy quiet.

_No one gonna see us? Where are the people?_

However, in the panic, Olivia just couldn't focus on anything but her own heartbeats, their steps and the damn squeaky wheels.

_Wait._

Suddenly, her ears caught something.

Someone's yelling? It sounded like chaos below the floor.

_Fire?_ Olivia held her breath._ Oh, yes… somewhere down this floor is on fire._

Everything makes sense now.

_They set fire. That's why there's no one here_.

As soon as they turning into some sealed room with a door slammed behind, Olivia felt Jason picked her up from the wheelchair. "Sshhh, don't move, Wonder Woman." Jason breathed into her ear, making the brunette's face jerked away immediately.

"Wh-"

"Keep your mouths shut, women." T cut Olivia off. "Before we take your blindfolds down, you're not allowed to speak. And you, blondie, turn around."

It almost got Alex lose her balance as T Walker grabbing her roughly. "Also, don't try anything. Think about your cripple BFF." Alex nearly cried out as her wrists got banded tightly behind.

The former detective identified that sound as soon as hearing those slight clips. Plastic cuffs.

_He banded her, damn._

Millions of thoughts and memories rushed into Olivia's mind at the moment. Everything happened now reminded her so much of the last time running in some dark hall with T Walker...

_C'mon… think! You can't make mistakes again. Not here, not with… her._

* * *

><p>"let's divorce, Kath."<p>

"Wh-" She froze and turned around slowly. "What did you say?"

Elliot was still in shock about actually saying that out of the blue. "I... said," he hardened his heart, meeting her eyes. "Let's get a divorce."

Embers of her previous smile, faded now. "Funny. After vanished for 3 fucking days and the first real word you said to your pregnant woman, is this shit."

"Kath, please. I really hope we can talk about this like adults."

"Adults," she chuckled. "Fine! Then tell me first, why you want to get rid of me, Elliot?"

"I think this time it's still you, who brought up the divorce in the first place. So why don't we get over with it instead of…"

"No, no, don't mess with me." She cut him off, roughly throwing the cream into the sink. "You've heard clearly. I asked why, you, want to get rid of me?" And before he making sound, she added. "So you can ride into the sunset with Olivia and the baby you have with her. Right?"

It felt like a slap crossing Elliot's face. Immediately, the detective's whole body ran ice-cold while he flushed to his ears.

He searched millions of memory pieces in his brain wondering how on earth she knew about this.

The blond smirked. "Curious, huh, detective? The day has eyes. The night has ears."

"Are you guys having a fight, again?"

The couple turned their head at the same time, seeing Lizzie standing beside the door looking back and forth between her dad and mom.

"No, we're not." Kathy smiled to her daughter. "Dad was looking for his... cure. He's a sick. And I examined him, telling him what was wrong." Then she turned her head, taking a meaningful glance at Elliot.

"Dad, are you ok? What's wrong with you?"

Elliot kept his eyes sticking on his woman for a second before drily smiled. "Yeah, I'm good, just have a cold. Don't worry, sweetie."

"C'mon, let's get dad an ice-bag. He really needs to cool down."

With that, Kathy took her daughter out. "Dad, did you find it? The Aspirin?" Lizzie yelled from the kitchen.

He didn't even move.

"Dad?"

"Almost!" _Fine_. He started to dig in the medicine closet, but only couldn't find it.

"That old blue bottle! Remember?"

"Yeah!" He lied._ Damn. Where the hell is-_ Finally, he found it. "I got it!" But at the same time, something drew his attention.

There were two tiny bags of pills sticking on the ceiling of the closet with adhesive tapes.

His cop instinct kicked in, making him drag them off immediately and started to examine.

All white pills were sealed in the normal see-through plastic bags, no label, no instruction, no nothing. It reminded him some drug dealer's goods. Oh, wait. Is there words carved on pills?

* * *

><p>They started to run down the stairs, endless stairs... as if heading to the hell.<p>

At first, Olivia forced herself to count, count how many turns they made, and how long they'd been running. But soon she lost her logic as the man's sweat and male smell getting more and more annoying and unbearable, making her dizzy and nauseated.

Finally, after a heavy rusty door opened and closed in groans, and the rotten wet air flooded over, Olivia was dropped.

And the sudden hitting on the hard ground, knocked all the air out of her lungs. The brunette could no longer hold it, and vomited.

"Shit!" Jason jumped away. "Bitch's nearly puking on my shoes!"

"Olivia, are you-"

T grabbed a hand of Alex's hair and shut her up. "You bitches just keep forgetting the rule, don't you?" His other hand ripped her blindfold off. "She's gonna be punished, because of YOU!"

Before the blond getting clear vision, a ringing slap tore the air.

"No…Please don't hurt her. She's pregnant for God's sake!"

"Pregnant…?"

"Oh, man... you're not giving me a nephew, are you?" Light smirk was in his voice, but the only thing he got from the big brother, was a long deadly silence.

Suddenly, the younger man stepped away as T was about to speak. "Ok, you really don't need to say anything, man. Just enjoy the show."

The blond felt sweat rolling down the back of her neck._ What he gonna do?_

And his next movement, sounded like squatting down and taking Olivia's blindfold off.

"Olivia Benson. Hum," He chuckled through his nose, "What a butchy name." His voice was low and calm, as he turning on the flashlight and placing it on the ground.

As the light shooting over, everybody shut their eyes except for Olivia, who started to hungrily blink the haziness away, welcoming her brightness.

Now for the first time she looked around the surroundings, which seemed like a small old... surgery room, oh wait! Her heart was in her throat when her eyes catching a wall of rusty cabinets.

They were the same thing she'd seen a thousand times in the morgue.

The brunette forced a deep breath._ Concentrate... any mistake you made could cause serious consequences._

"If y-you… want re-revenge," Slowly, she lifted her eyes up to meet his. "I-I'm here. D-Don't… hurt, her."

"Revenge? Stupid bitch." He moved the flashlight backward, making sure everyone seeing each other clearly. "Anyway. You should feel honored. I never spent so much time on a woman before." He got to his feet. "Sorry for kicking you out of the helicopter that day, and I regretted it after that, cuz what my brother told me really gave an itch inside my chest, making me want so much to see you, know you, and..." He smirked. "I've been doing homework, about you, Detective. You really got a funny life, you know that? A bastard child of a rapist, with an alcoholic mother, an abortive first-love when you were 15 years old which ended up being caught in bed with a girl?"

Alex widened her eyes.

"What's that girl looks like?" Jason bent down, whispered. "Guess she looks just like her? Also a blondie?"

"S-Stop!" Olivia squeezed her eyes shut. "What, you, w-want?"

"I want to know, sorry for the prying, wha-, why you decided to be a sex crime cop?" He sat down on the ground, as if enjoying a conversation with a friend. "Maybe, catching rapists could somehow help you to know your father, even, find him? Uh… Damn! You did find him, didn't you? Fuck. How can I forget that? So, guess it's a wrong answer, cuz you're still a rapist hunter after that, right? Well, then... It must have something to do with your partner, Detective Stabler. The rumors of you two have been becoming people's dinner chat. Am I right?" He laughed. "Ok, ok, just give one last chance please? This time, I try harder, I promise. So," he leaned forward, "The real reason, is your first girl -friend's being ra-"

"SHUT UP!" Olivia elbowed herself up. "Stop b-being a s-smartass! Do y-you... have any i-idea what y-you're doing h-here? Kid-kidnapping... an ADA, a… cop, and m-multiple mur-murder… y-you'll… rot in jail!"

"She's threatening us, bro, threatening us!" The younger man stood up and laughed badly. "Jesus, scared the shit out of me."

T Walker only raised a cover of his mouth. "She's still seeing herself as a fucking cop, isn't she?"

Jason caught his breath, walking back to Olivia. "You heard that? You little bitch just can stop being overbearing and bossy!" Suddenly, he lifted his foot quickly and stepped on the brunette's throat, pinning her on the ground.

"NO! Get off her, you mother fucker!"

"Don't move! I can break her neck anytime."

Alex froze. "Okay, fine, you win. Please… you can take me, just… don't hurt her."

"What did you say?" Jason shot his eyes over, taking his foot away.

Olivia coughed out of her breath. "No... N-…"

"No? Ok. You got me cinfused now. So, how about I let you chose. Your baby or the blondie? You gotta lose one."

* * *

><p>Holding the weird pills in hand, curiousness made Elliot move closer to the mirror front lamp.<p>

_Mifepristone;... Misoprostol?_

_What the hell are these for?_

"Here. Water and ice-bag." In the meantime, Kathy walked in.

In a thousandth of a second, Elliot was about to ask her, but before he knew it, he had folded his arms hiding the drug bags into one of his palms. "Thanks. Just..."

"Leave you alone?"

"Where's Liz?"

"Back to her bed now. So? Where were we?" She gently closed the bathroom door and locked it.

"Just tell me, you want the divorce or not?" He dragged his robe over and put it on, sliding the pill-bags into the pockets.

"I take it as a 'yes', then? You do have a bastard baby with that bitch, don't you? When, no, how long have you been fucking her?"

His fists gritted inside the robe pockets, though, he forced a deep breath. "You call her that again. I swear..."

"Fine. I apologize." She leaned on the sidewall, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Which part you like her the most?" A weird smirk crawled on the corner of her mouth. "Guess she's much tighter than I am. You know, women who have never given birth to a child always…"

"Oh, SHUT UP!" He did his very best not to shout. "Dammit, Kathy. Besides being ridiculous what are you still capable?"

Her cold gazing never left his face. "You didn't answer me, Stabler. Did y-"

"Fuck, YES!" He snapped. "I got drunk. She picked me up from the bar and things just happened! I crossed the line, screwed everything and that's what I did!"

He held those shocked eyes, until they watered up and darkened.

"So, you've been lying to me?" She blinked tears down.

"I'm not-... It is the first time and only time, Kathy. I was too damn drunk that night, didn't even know what I do in the next day. I-"

"Uh..." She groaned, pushed off the wall, walking past him. "I'm so sick of your bullshit. Just tell me the truth for these fucking 24 years' sake! Are you the father of your partner's baby? Yes or No?"

He opened his mouth but closed eyes. "Yes, no, y-… God, I'm not sure. I-… She…"

Before he finished, his cellphone rang.

"Want to get rid of me and this family? Over my dead body!" With that, Kathy stormed out slamming the door hard.

"It is YOU who want a divorce in the first place!" He yelled, as the phone kept ringing. "Fuck!" Finally he checked the ID, seeing it was Cragen. "Yeah, Captain. What's up?... What?... Oh, no..."

(TBC)

* * *

><p><strong>Ok. Here's the thing. If you were Liv, you'd rather...?<strong>

**And surely, Liv and Alex will be found, but what do you think of the bad guys? You want them die or keep running?**

**Elliot found something now, what will it turn out to be?**

**Still, AO or EO you prefer? Tell me, please~~~**

**Longing for your every word:) **


	23. Chapter 23

My dear readers, I'm so sorry takes so long to finally update. Please don't abandon me and this story:)

Here is what's going on after the bad guys kidnapped our Liv and Alex !

Enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 23<strong>

(-Continued From Previous Chapter-)

Literally, when the smoky, tangly, firefighters running around hospital building jumping into his view, Elliot Stabler felt his knees weakened. Though the next minute he was assured that the fire had been put out, and no one actually got hurt and the CSU was already working on everything… but the tinny relief didn't exist awhile, as the security cameras checking ended up nothing useful and the police-dog showed up.

He knew what that meant.

"Why you motherfuckers rather try the fucking dogs than let me, her 11 years partner see the scene?!" Finally, Elliot got a chance punching his way to the FBI Agent Redd, and grabbed him by the collar. "You are already fucked up here, and I know her better than those dumb CSI kids, so if she left any message I'll be the first one to find it!"

Before Redd moving his lips, Cragen had dragged his detective away.

"You make me like a fool, Stabler." They came to the end of the hall.

"Cap, my heart's beating like hell." Elliot blinked, attempting to squeeze the bad feelings away. "It's my fault."

It made the old man groan. "Oh, don't start this. You know it's not your f..."

"You have no idea." He kicked hard on the side door, ducking into the stairwell.

"You can't watch her 7/24!"

"I promised her never let anything happen... but I... God, if I didn't upset her..." He rubbed his face miserably. "That's why she back to the hospital again. Shit, if..."

"Upset, her?"

Elliot dropped his eyes.

Cragen's heart sank. "What the... Damn, if there's any shit really happening between you two, you better tell me now."

"Captain, I... We..." but his tongue stuck all of a sudden as he narrowing his eyes. "Is that blood on the ground?"

* * *

><p>"How about I let you chose. Your baby or the blondie? You gotta lose one."<p>

Everyone stilled in quiet, before Jason bursting out a loud laugh.

"Look at your faces... I was kidding!"

Olivia's gut twisted as her anger mixed fears permeating. "J... It's b-between... us. Let's, d-deal with it!"

"Deal with this?" Jason threw himself back to the brunette, eyes darkened. "We are fucking doing it right now bitch." Suddenly, he barked like a crazy animal. "You hurt, even almost killed my brother! You bitch!... No one, " his head shook slowly in disbelief, "No one in this world dare do such a thing to MY, BROTHER! He just wanted to get ME out, and you bit him like a crazy dog?! Why?! WHY?!" His face was no more than 1 inch from Olivia's.

The brunette held her breath, attempting to block the warmth of his angry gasping and calm down her wild heartbeats. "He... h-he... deserv-"

He shut her up with a slap.

"Women are born to be fucked. That's the rule of nature. You think you're different? Because you're a cop or you're a fag?" Jason leaned backward, taking a breath. "And, yes, it is between you and me, bitch, only not in the way you prefer. Actually, the reason we are here, is to bet." He exchanged a look with his brother.

Olivia shivered. _ To... bet?_

"Indeed." T nodded. "We've been very curious about the relationship between you two. You know that?"

The two women eyed each other in confusing before Olivia met Jason's staring.

"You don't get it? Okay... Look at him." Jason roughly cupped Olivia's chin his one hand, turning her face to the other man. "That, is, my brother, my father-like brother. We were orphans. You have any idea what does that mean?" He shook head. "I know you'll never get it, cuz at least you had your fucking alcoholic mommy, but we got nothing. I mean, nothing. He is the only people, only love I have in the world." His eyes reddened, which Olivia was not sure it due to the tear or anger. "I really wanted to kill you before. I really did. But as I start to know you day after day, I change my mind. Because comparing to what you put me through, death is not an equal pay back to you." His voice turned cold. "I want you to feel the same pain I feel! And you, " he turned to Alex, "blondie, you should worry about yourself more, cuz we've already lost our interests on her. She'll only be the audience while you put on the show."

Olivia's blood ran cold. She got it now, about what kind of sick game they were playing._ Keep calm, Benson, you need to buy as much time as you can._ "You g-g-got the wr-rong person, J." She closed eyes as her own heart pounding, but the experienced cop inside her refused to stand down. "S-She's on-only... f-friend."

"Oh, how could you you hurt her!" T smirked, pulling Alex closer and licking her cheek. "Don't cry, baby. Honestly, my bet is on Detective Stabler, but J-boy bets she loves you more. So..."

"Y... You, sick!" Olivia bit down her nauseas and yelled. "Let h-her go! (Cough) … Get m-me..."

"Sorry, I'm already done with you." sending a glance to Jason, the older man forced Alex down to her knees. And the blond didn't even struggle a bit as she seeing Jason's gun pointed back to Olivia. "Look at her." He breathed to Alex's ear. "She's such a ragged doll now. Ugly, dirty, broken... but I know you have no idea how slutty she used to be when I did her. Oh, that was..."

"Shut your mouth!" With her chin held in his hand, Alex could only close her eyes to escape.

"Hey, don't spoil the fun. Being in love with her for so many years and you don't even want to know how good she's in bed, huh?"

"What the fuck do you want from us, you son of a-"

"Ah, I get it!" Suddenly, Jason whistled. "She still doesn't know it, does she?"

"Genius, J boy." T Walker smiled in satisfaction. "You really don't know any of that?" He cupped Alex's face. "Are you curious?"

Fire danced in Alex's eyes. "I'm curious about when the Hell will burn your dirty asses to ashes!"

But T chuckled. "You blushed... Don't be shy, sweetheart. I know you fucking want it. How about I let you hear it from… her?"

"Tell her." Jason ordered the pale brunette. "Tell her all the fun you had since he got you to the cellar. Or... let's see if she can do any better than you. You know what I mean?"

"Liv… No..." Alex mouthed, shaking her head in tears.

"Dammit! TELL HER!" Suddenly, T roughly ripped Alex's neckline open.

"T!" Olivia rolled to her side and pushed herself sitting up. "F-Fine..." Her eyes were burnt, as the humiliating, angry and helpless tears gathering. "I... I-I, w...woke up and,... a-and..."

Alex's heart twisted, realizing it was literally the first time Olivia talking about this, and she could tell that the brunette was fighting tooth and nail against the physiological and psychological response due to the flooding flashbacks.

"I... f-found I, w-was... b-bound..."

"And?" Jason smirked.

"Leave her alone, you sick bastard!" Alex trembled in rage. "I don't want to hear! I don't want to fucking kn-" But her yell died in her throat seeing the younger man kicking Olivia on her elbow.

Immediately, Olivia heavily fell down to the ground.

"NO!" Alex screamed, as a slap landing on her face.

"Say you want to know! Say it!"

Tears dropped down as the blond closing her eyes tightly. "I..." She knew she had no choice. "I...want to… know."

"Louder! I can't hear you!" Jason threateningly placed his one foot on the brunette's belly.

"YES! Yes! I want to hear! Fuck, you satisfied?!"

Jason smiled at Olivia, withdrawing his leg. "See? She's asking you. Tell her. You found you were bound, then what?"

Alex slowly reopened her blurry eyes, finding the brunette lying there gasping, face turned aside. And it made Alex's heart stopped beating knowing both of them have nowhere to go but relive all these nightmares.

"I... I-I, d-don't... re...-remember." Her last word was nearly inaudible.

"You what? Ok. How's this, reminding you anything?" With cracks of clothes tearing, suddenly Alex was kneeing there only in her white bra.

Sweat oozed from Olivia's hairline as she struggling to sit up again. "Stop!… (cough, cough)... I... I... p-passed out, I-I was..." She was shaking her head, struggling for breath… but no matter how hard she tried, painful body memories and flashbacks only felt like swallowing her. "Oh, f-fuck! I don't r-r-really... know..."

"Please!" Alex clenched her teeth, lifting her eyes to the older man. "Please don't make her do this anymore. You can take me, whatever you want, just leave her alone!"

"Be patient, bitch. I know you want me to fuck you in the same way I fucked your butch lover." T brushed her tears away and laughed. "You want the same fun I had with her, don't you? She used to be such a good bitch, lying completely naked in front of my eyes and enjoyed my touch. My tongue licked every inch of her skin as I rubbing her nipples, sucking her wound. Whoa…" he closed eyes, "her blood tasted so much like honey-cream. God, I love cop-blood! It turned me on almost immediately... So, before I knew it, I had spread her legs and fucked her. You know what? It's the best fuck I've ever had in my life! With every punch, I could hear her whimper, cough and the cracks of that old matter-"

"Shut u-…" Alex only spit half sentence in the brief interval between her retches, feeling tears all over her face. She couldn't take this anymore, she just couldn't. It felt like watching him raping her all over again in front of her eyes. So her eyes had been looking at everywhere but Olivia, as if that can make her hide away from this unbearable torture, as if it would get the brunette out of here. Till now, she heard Olivia chocked, like her neck got strangled or she was about to have an asthma attack, which making the blond's panic explode. "Liv, are you ok? Look at me, Olivia, can you hear..."

"Get up bitch." T gripped Alex's hair and dragged her up. "Get closer. Make sure she can see you clear and vivid when I fuck you." He paused, pushing the blond to the ground.

Olivia flinched with the sudden wind slapping on her face as it bringing her back to reality. Though, the surrounding was still spinning, she managed to focus her eyes slowly. And what she saw, completely wakened her mind instantaneously.

The hands still tied Alex semi-lay on the ground with her long blond hair messily falling around her naked neck and shoulders, and her legs were kicking in the air to prevent T getting closer.

"Alex!" Didn't know where the sudden strength came from, the brunette crawled towards the blond.

"Hold on," Jason smirked, tramping on Olivia's wrist, "Why care about a 'colleague' so much?"

The pain, guilt, and anxiousness suddenly fanned up the brunette's anger-flame. "Wh-what the f-fuck you d-d-did to her?! Don't d-d-do this, T... you know a-all the cops are looking f-f-for us now."

"You mean your partner Detective Stabler?" Jason squatted down, pressing more strength on his feet. "He failed you last time, didn't he?"

Olivia nearly cried out in pain but resisted as he continuing. "I doubt besides screwing you, there's anything else he is capable of. Or maybe you just miss his dick again?"

Olivia's heart skipped a beat. How does he know this? But she got no time to think. Watching the blond ended up being pressed down under the big guy's body, tears blurred Olivia's view. "T! D-Don't t...touch h-her... I sw-swear…" She tried her best to sound like the same Benson... But the exhaustion was telling her that no matter how hard she struggled, she might not be able to free her hand out of the sole of Jason's shoe, let alone fighting back and helping Alex.

Frustration of helplessly being trapped in a place which only two feet far from Alex and watching her was about to be raped, hit Olivia really hard. It didn't even cost a cop, but no normal people would be as useless as she was acting now.

"Oh, wait a minute, T." Suddenly, the young man cleared his throat, "You're not forgetting our game, are you?"

T grabbed Alex's hands still, and met his eyes. "Fuck. Almost. Ok, c'mon, then let's switch."

As him about to get up, Alex found a to run, though, she was still a little bit too late. The big guy's fist hit her temple violently before she really struggled up.

"NO! N-No…" Olivia screamed.

"Hello, detective." T Walker blocked Olivia's way as his brother coming to the unconscious blond. "Don't worry. She'll be fine if you play our game well."

"FUCK YOU! Let h-her g-go! NOW!" grasping the edge of his coat with both hands, the brunette feeling her eyes could jet out flames.

"SHUT UP AND LISTEN!" Jason barked. "I can do EVERYTHING to her right here, right now, so, if anything happens to her, it will be your fucking fault, bitch."

T smiled to see Olivia startled in quiet.

At the same time, senses came back to Alex as she feeling someone patting her face._ What happened? ..._ She bit down the threatened groaned in her lungs, hearing Jason's lower voice fading-in. "... you two listen up. There's only one rule here. Whenever you want things to stop, you just say 'stop', which also sending your permission to us, to work on your... 'friend'." The younger man couldn't help but cleared his throat with a grin. "And I said 'work on', means, to fuck your lonely pussy," he smirked, caressing Alex's cheek with the back of his hand, before eyeing Olivia, "and to have some fun with her bastard baby."

"No, no, please don't do this, Jason, T, " Alex heard her voice shaking, "c'mon, it's just a baby!"

"Why not? Don't you wanna find out which she cares more?" He shrugged.

"Fuck, NO! You can't do this, T! It... It also could be YOUR baby, don't you…"

"The hell it is mine!" Suddenly, he burst out laughing, "Oh my…" he laughed so bad that got him out of breath, "...Since when swallowing semen can make a baby?"

The two men kept their belly laugh while Alex stunned in numb. And she didn't dare to move her eyes to Olivia, though, from the corner of her sight she can see the brunette cuddled up bit by bit and covered her mouth deadly tight with both hands.

That was when they blinked down silent tears together.

* * *

><p>Flashlights dancing, heavy breaths gasping… the confined stairwell now was full of FBI and SWAT team led by police dogs rushing as fast as they could to the source of the blood found by Elliot.<p>

Though, Elliot Stabler barely heard anything besides his own heartbeats pounding and a voice inside him whispered, "_it's her blood you're following_" from time to time.

Ironical thing was, one minute ago, he was fighting so hard for rushing to the very front of the whole team, dying for seeing everything in the first place, but now, just one floor to get the bottom of this building, he felt his movement slowed down.

Some bad scenes started to play in front of his eyes in different versions, and none of them was he could possibly take.

Suddenly, out of the blue, he saw those brunette eyes several years ago after the Gitano case.

_"What about me?..."_

Her whisper was so clear and real, that almost made him turn to see if she was standing by. It shot him like electricity and tore up the gate of his memory.

_…_

_Like you said, you're the longest relationship I've ever had with a man._

_Look, you and this job are about the only things that I've got anymore. I don't want to wreck that. I couldn't take it._

_…_

Wreck... that...

Reaching for the wall to support, Elliot forced a deep breath in a wave of heartache.

_What if I failed her again?..._

Suddenly, the dog barked crazily as someone yelled, "found them!"

Feeling like running in a dream, Elliot lurched his stick-like legs to the dark hall, finding Agent Redd was trying to negotiate with people inside.

"Answer me, T Walker, Jason? I know you're there... C'mon, everything's over. There's nowhere to go. Let us know the hostages' condition… Open the door! You hear me?"

Still, no answer.

Elliot's gut sank. _Something was not right._

"Open the door!" Redd exchanged a look with the SWAT guys, "C'mon! Before-" At this moment, everyone flinched and jumped away from the door as gunshot coming inside.

Seven.

There were, fucking, seven, times gunfire, Elliot counted without a blink. And then the entire world went into slow motion.

His legs were running, he could tell, because the surrounding looked so blurry and sliding quickly backwards from the corner of his vision until finally everything jumped out and freeze-framed right in front of his eyes.

Sound disappeared.

The whole world disappeared.

Olivia was semi-sitting there with her one elbow supported on the ground while her other hand holding a gun to T Walker's dead body, and keeping pulling the trigger repeatedly although there was no bullet left. On her left side, about one yard, Jason lay lifelessly on the ground, belly down, face to the doorway, eyes half opened, and under all the flashlights, Elliot saw a bright red bullet hole on his forehead.

"Liv…"

Followed the whimper, he saw Alex Cabot, who obviously got beat, crawling towards the brunette extremely slowly with her left hand holding her shirt to cover her breasts, and her right hand reached out carefully trying to get the weapon in Olivia's hand.

Nobody spoke, except the slight clicks coming from the pulling trigger making the room more freaking silent.

"Detective Benson, put the gun down." Someone took a step.

Redd lowered his weapon and ordered. "She's in shock, can't hear you. Go get the gun. It's safe now."

"Fuck off! Don't you dare to touch her!" Alex shouted raucously. Her bloodshot eyes looked so foreign that nearly like some desperate animal's.

In the end, when she finally managed to take the gun from Olivia's ice-cold hand, the brunette slowly blinked her eyes once, turned to Alex. "Y-You... ok?"

"Yeah, yes, I'm fine, we're safe now, everything's over, Liv… You hear me?" She looked back and forth between those two brown eyes and waited.

Just as Olivia's lips about to move, she collapsed.

"Liv!" before she hit the ground, Elliot caught her lifeless body.

**(TBC)**

* * *

><p><strong>Ok. I know, I know, some of you will curse me now. But please have some faith on me, really, I will never let Olivia end up miserable. <strong>

**And speaking of this chapter, what do you think? **

**You want the baby to survive or not? **

**And what do you think happened before the rescue came? **

**Still, let mt know, AO or EO:) (till now, AO and EO are even, I think)**

**Let me know. Every time I read your reviews, makes my day! **

**Love you guys! ~***


	24. Chapter 24

**this chapter will be a little short. **

**Still, thanks for every single review you gave me! You made my days! **

**Love you, my dearest readers!**

* * *

><p>CHAPTER 24<p>

_**-One month later-**_

Walking out of Olivia's room, Alex Cabot blew out a long breath.

"You're right. She's aware of her surroundings, but refuses to communicate. How long has she been like this?" Doctor George Huang frowned tightly and stopped his steps.

"Well, since..." Alex rubbed her eyes and paused, hoping it could buy her some time to force down the growing lump in her throat, which also drew the FBI shrink's attention immediately. "... I really need to talk to you, George, if you got a minute." She glanced at her wristwatch. "By the way, the doctor's coming to do the last check before sign her release."

Their eyes met, sending a sting in George Huang's heart. He hated to see the counselor pinching her lips tightly to fight against being vulnerable. "Of course. Come this way."

They came to the nearest bench and sat down, after Alex taking another little peep at Olivia's room.

"How are you holding up?" He started.

But the simple question took Alex a little long while. "I don't really know what to feel actually. But yeah, I think in some aspect I suppose to feel glad, for we finally get rid of the IAB fuckers at least."

He widened eyes meeting her wry smile. "Really? Tucker let go?"

"Yeah. Long story short, we made a deal. A month ago he blackmailed Liv to be the bait, but you know, the so called 'trap' was totally screwed, even cost..." She dropped her eyes, playing with her own fingers. "So, he confirmed that Elliot and Olivia's undercover job was clean, no one taking responsibility, besides, Liv can get the retirement pay." Instead of release, sore grew up in her voice.

Huang located his eyes on her twisting fingers. "What do you feel about this?"

"Feel?" A bitter smile crossed the corner of her mouth. "I feel I could have done so much more, done better, but I failed and let that sonofabitch win." She shook her head slowly. "Tucker was an ass. There was no decent plan in the first place, no security, no nothing... His just waited for the second shoe to drop, and lucky him, he got the bad guys in the end, so it is a 'trap', otherwise, he will definitely use his kingly higher-up and play the kicking ball game with the FBI, so he could make everything end up being fizzled up." Her fingers twisted more tightly, which whitened her knuckles. "No one knows what did that feel like... to watch her losing..." Her voice trembled.

He knew what she was talking about. "You have done your best, Alex. There's no other choice."

She attempted to say something, but nothing came out eventually as she leaning back and closed her eyes.

"How's Olivia doing?" He changed the topic.

The blond reopened her eyes slowly, tucking a bunch of hair behind her ear. "You saw it, too. She's been like this for a month, since... That day, she didn't even drop a single tear. Can you believe that? I was like... I prepared for every reaction she would shoot back, but... when that moment truly came, what I saw, really scared me." She moved her eyes to him. "She was so calm and cold, hearing everything, but didn't even blink once, as if... as if she died as well at that time or something... And since then, she barely said a word to anyone, anymore."

"Beside this, anything else seems abnormal?"

Alex sighed. "I feel... George, something inside her, is cracked. You know her. She used to be the toughest woman we've known, but now. " Alex paused a while, getting her voice back to calm. "She has two surgeries after the baby gone, to fix her knee and get her brain hematoma in control."

"Those surgeries were succeeded. I suppose?"

"Yes, they were. So, physically, she's doing very well, but on the other hand... Look, as the pregnancy gone, there's technically no apprehension to use painkillers anymore. So they gave her morphia to ease the pain after surgery." She paused, looking at him.

Their eyes locked for several second, till Huang's jaw dropped.

"You mean..."

"Yeah... I suspected the same thing." Alex closed her eyes. "She's kind of addicted with painkillers. I guess." It was barely a whisper, but she shook her head subsequently. "No, I'm not sure. I mean... I just found she always held the painkiller pushbutton and never let go."

"Did you tell her doctor?"

"Of course. We all wanted to talk to her, but no matter how hard we tried, she didn't even make eye contact with anyone. So they reduced the dose the next day. But, gosh... That night, she went upset, crazy, grabbing everything she could reach and throwing them around... And, and I didn't even know that was the pain or... Anyway, good thing is, they have stopped using it now."

"And?"

"And she goes really depressed. It got me start to worry about whether it's gonna affect her physical therapy. You know, long time bed-rest made her limp muscles atrophy. But she... I feel like her willpower is gone, even... I don't know. She just seems like doesn't give a damn about the whole world anymore."

Doctor Huang frowned. "Alex, I think it's time to get her some psychotherapist."

"I agree. But... before that, I want to take her away from the city for a couple of days. My parents have an old country cottage, but they only go there once a year, so, hope the fresh air and peace could do her something good."

"Is she in the shape of taking a journey? How far is that?"

"3 hours driving. But yeah, I'm a little worried, too. She's still weak though... I know she wants that. Actually, I think it may be the first time I really got some response coming from her, as I telling her about this."

"What did she say?"

"No, she didn't say anything. It was her eyes." The blond held Huang's staring. "She turned to look at me, with... sparkles lightening in those dark eyes. Small sparkles... and that reminded me some prisoners who just heard the news of their release. I never..." Her nose reddened slightly, and she turned away. "Damn, it killed me."

The Asian guy lowered his head, and gave a break to both of them. "So, has everything been arranged well? Is there anything I can do?"

"No, thanks, everything's ready. I have a friend living near there, he cleaned the place for me, changed the front stairs into a slope, added more handles on the bathtub... something like this, to make the house more fit... her."

"Can't believe you did so much. How're you doing, actually?" His tone was careful. "What happened down the basement?"

The blond held her breath in a sudden irritation, but she was satisfied with not showing it in her voice. "I'm great. Thanks for asking. But I believe you have read everything in my statement."

Though, the slight frown still got caught by his eyes. "How're your injuries? Still sore?"

She took a deep breath. "It's nothing. Just a little concussion and some bruises. I only stayed in hospital for two nights before they set me free. I'm fine now."

"That's good." But he decided to push a little. "Why... you refused to do the routine rape check?"

"Oh, F-" That made the blond rise to her feet immediately. "Can't believe even you..." When she turned to meet his eyes again, her face covered in anger. "I've said this thousand times and I say it one more time: because I didn't get assaulted in, that, way, okay? And you know what? If someone wants you to see whether I still hold back something, go tell them, just because the statement is totally one side story from my mouth, doesn't mean I'm a liar!"

"Alex, please calm down, you know me better than that." It didn't actually surprise him to get this reaction from Cabot.

She ripped her glare off him.

Several seconds passed before Alex sat back down and softened her tone. "I'm sorry. George, I've been a little... paranoid recently. I know you're just worried... I will talk to you, after... Uhm, when I'm ready, okay?" Her voice sounded exhausted suddenly. "Now I just don't have enough time for... No, it's more like that I'm not in that mood to care about anything else besides Olivia's condition, or, even... it feels almost guilty to anatomize my own feelings when she's... like this."

Huang put a gentle hand on her elbow. "I understand."

She leaned back, arms akimbo.

And he pretended didn't see her slight flinch as he touched her.

"Thank you." She actually squeezed out a Cabot smile to him.

"Let me know, if I can do anything for you. And, last thing, keep an eye on her, keeping all the sharp things away from her touch."

That got her alert. "No, you're not thinking..."

"Maybe I think too much, but uhm... You'd better be careful, just in case."

The seriousness in his tone, made Alex stay perfectly still in place for a long while, until she swallowing unconsciously, feeling her throat got dried off by the fears rising inside her.

* * *

><p><em><strong>-The same day, afternoon-<strong>_

_**-In the parking lot of the hospital-**_

Elliot closed the trunk of Alex's car as gently as he could, hopefully not to startle the deadly quiet Olivia sitting in the backseat. Deep inside, he hated to treat her, Olivia Benson, like she was made of glass or a 5 years old, but somehow, he was doing it all the time whenever being with her recently. It even made him hate himself more.

From time to time, he pictured that someday when they walking on the street, talking about this period of time, she would laugh in his face or get angry at his being such a damn babysitter...

Yes, the day will come.

He'd been feeding himself this positive hopes as frequent and vivid as possible, while some voice just couldn't stop whispering the opposite shit in his mind. Fuck this. And fuck his screwed life, cuz it had taught him that nothing in the world could literally go back, neither "start over again". No. There weren't any possibilities like "fixing a mirror" existed, never, ever. And he knew it beyond clearly.

Just like she would never "walk" with him anymore.

Though, he still never turned these into words to think them through, instead, he created a new game which was playing Olivia's role inside his heart so he could have conversations with her whenever he needed, wanted.

He felt like going crazy.

But hell, who cared?

"Hey, you heard me?"

Jerking his head up, he saw his dumb face in the sunglasses of Alex. "Yeah, I was thinking, that, if you need me-"

"24/7, I know and I will, Elliot, you've said that 10 times since I saw you today."

"... I-" he narrowed his eyes under the bright sunlight. "I still don't get it. Why you have to do this? It's her first day out, Alex, and I also worried about your condition even."

She pushed her sunglasses up to the top of her head, looking directly into his gazing. "Stabler, you've being her partner 11 years, then please at least act like that for one damn time, could you? Look at her. She's drowning here!" Her eyes were sticking on his face when he turned towards Olivia, who sat in the backseat looking out of the other side of the window. "She needs time to be alone, to lick her own wounds. Can't you read that from her eyes?"

He moved his staring back slowly. "Is it Her or You need this?"

At the moment, Elliot's phone rang while both of them ignored that.

The blond scanned his eyes, before getting into her car with a curse spit out.

But he held the door. "You're more like escaping your own traumas than helping her!"

"Oh, yeah?! And I doubt you're more like dominating your own partner than really giving a fuck about her!" With that, the counselor released the handbrake and stepped on the gas.

"Dammit! A-... drive safely!" Watching her leaving with a slamming door, Elliot suddenly felt like a balloon just got stabbed. Yeah, the old he himself would have been so terribly pissed off with that, but now, he just stood there and sucked up all the flooding indescribable feelings in silent.

God, he hated the bitch, he really did.

Fuck the reason. He just hated her, with every breath in his fucking life.

Eventually, his phone rang again. This time, it was a text message from Dr. Melinda Warner.

Reading it, Elliot literally felt a coldness running down his spine.

"The pills you gave me, are for abortion! Call me back ASAP"

(TBC)

* * *

><p><strong>Something you guys are longing for will come in the next chapter! <strong>

**Tell me what you want to see, in the AO moment.**

**And EOer, please let me know what you want E to react about Kathy's secret pills. **

**Thank you again! ~~:***


	25. Chapter 25

sorry for keep you waiting~

Enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 25<strong>

The sun was setting in front of Alex's eyes when she turned on the radio.

She hated dusk since she was little, hated how the incoming end of a day taking away all the unconsummated wishes she made in the morning.

Alex took her sunglasses off after moving her eyes away from the rearview mirror. It surprised her that how fast the gathering twilight had faded Olivia's figure in the dark.

As the headlights turned on, the narrow country road lightened up in front of her eyes as well as its endlessness, which suddenly made the blond lost in some foreign disquieting. _Gosh, it gotta be near here, damn... I didn't miss the right path, did I? _

Right Path.

Those words hit her hard somehow, even bringing her foot move to the brake pedal unconsciously while some old memory popped out unexpectedly.

_-"Be careful the way you chose, Alex. People who miss the right path can never go back." _

_-"Why? Roads never move. You can turn back to the intersection and start over! "_

_-"Yeah, you can. But even walking on the old way, you're not the same person anymore. "_

_..._

She was 9 years old when she having this conversation with her dad, but now everything still felt as vivid as something happened in yesterday or so. Her car slowed down as her vision slowly blurred.

The blond took a deep breath attempting to push back the ridiculous rising sadness, but somehow she failed as soon as an old song coincidently jumping out of the radio.

_I walked across an empty land. I knew the pathway like the back of my hand._

_I felt the earth beneath my feet. Sat by the river and it made me complete._

_Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old I need something to rely on._

_So, tell me when, you gonna let me in?_

_I'm getting tired I need somewhere to begin._

_…_

_I came across a fallen tree._

_I felt the branches of it looking at me._

_Is this the place we used to love?_

_Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?_

_I'm getting old I need something to rely on._

_So, tell me when, you gonna let me in?_

_I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin._

_And if you have a meaning why don't we go?_

_Talk about somewhere only we know._

_This can be the end of everything._

_So why don't we go somewhere only we know?_

_Somewhere only we know_

_…_

* * *

><p>Kathy Stabler dropped her jaw as her eyes locking with her husband's. She could barely recognize those eyes which used to be limpid blue but now darkened, even spreading out some unreadable... coldness.<p>

"Elliot... What's going on?"

"Get out. We have to talk." His voice sounded odd, too.

"Why don't you come in and-"

"Now." He didn't give her time to finish, before turning around and leaving.

Kathy walked out in silent and closed the door behind. Something must be very wrong.

Her chest tightened as following Elliot to get into their car. "What happened?" Her voice sounded a little bit unreal in the sealed room.

"You got something to tell me about this?"

Colors drained from her face as soon as the small pill-bag showed up in Elliot's hand.

"You stole my things?"

Elliot watched her face, until got a feeling that she actually had nothing left to say. "That's all, huh? Is that how you explained the hidden abortion medicine after I found out and threw it in your face?"

"Save your cop attitude here, Stabler. I'm NOT a suspect in your interrogation room!" He gripped her arm and pulled her closer. "I'm not gonna ask twice, Kath. Do you have something to do with Olivia's miscarriage? And Do, Not, lie to me," he clenched his teeth, "because I'll find out everything sooner or later, you know that."

She jerked his hand off. "Your office bitch lost your bastard baby and you blamed it on your wife?! Go fuck yourself!"

"You have no idea what you're getting into, right? It is a murder we are talking about here! If you poisoned her, you'd better tell me now!"

"Tell you what?! You're not gonna trust me, anyway. Or, should I ask 'have you ever trusted me ever'? ... Save it. You don't need my explanation, cuz the presumption of guilt has killed me hundred times in your mind."

"Oh, dammit! Screw the presumption! I just wanna hear the truth from you instead of DA's office! Did you poison Olivia with this fucking pills?! Just yes or no! Don't give me the bullshit!"

"I, DIDN'T! Okay? But does it matter? The hell you'll believe me!"

The couple sank into a dead silent as their gasps blowing on each other.

"You didn't, huh? Then why the hell you hid this in the medicine cabinet? And where did you get this from?"

"It's... none of your business." She turned away.

"Look at me." Elliot ordered, fighting the urge of dragging her shoulder. "Look at my fucking eyes!"

As she did, he saw those eyes watered up, which poured thousands of questions into his mind. Is that guilt, sadness or…? "You, you're not thinking about, to... to..."

"Stop it..." She turned to the other side before the first tear rolling down.

"C'mon! Just tell me the truth, Kathy, it is an innocent baby's life-"

"Innocent!" She snapped suddenly. "We are innocent, too! Have you ever considered this?" She put a hand on her belly. "And speak of the truth, after being your wife for 24 fucking years and I'm still not innocent enough to deserve a truth of whether you're cheating on me and even have a secret baby behind my back!"

"I have told you, that I made a mistak-"

"Oh, shut your mouth before you make me puke!" She yelled with a frown. "You think I'm a just a nurse, a housewife, so I'm stupid? Since the first time I saw the way you two looking at each, I knew something would be going on! And now, after 11 fucking years past and you even made a damn baby with her, don't you think it is time to stop vindicating her and be man enough to admit your feelings of her?! I'm okay with that, you know that? I really am. Let's just get it straight. Do you remember the unfinished conversation we had a month ago? Tell me now. Without baby, do you still want to divorce me?"

He scanned her eyes in disbelief as a whisper slip out. "Can I take it as a motive?"

* * *

><p>"Hey, look who is coming!"<p>

Alex grinned widely to see her old friend Cherry Gordon and her husband Adam Gordon walking over followed by a big golden retriever.

They hugged each other as soon as Alex getting out of the car.

"Damn, Alex, I thought I'd stop missing you when I hold you like this but obviously, it makes me miss you even more!" The dark-haired woman pulled Alex into her arms, which looked like some big bear cuddling a giraffe.

"Oh, God… Cherry, Adam, I'm so grateful to see you guys here…I really owe you." Alex almost flinched as her friend's hospital-smell ducking into her nose, however, her body turned out welcoming the warm hugs more. _Relax, it's just what a veterinarian-assistant smells like._

"Girl, you really can't be more skinnier, you know that? I feel like hugging a bunch of bones! Are you alright?" Cheery sensed something and pulled apart, searching for Alex's eyes in the dim light.

"Yeah, nice to see you, too... " Alex rolled her eyes playfully and stole a glanced at the car before forced a smile. "… I'll talk to you later, ok? God knows how badly I want talk with you, but... tonight is just-... I think Olivia needs her sleep now."

"Yeah, yeah, of course. How's she, seriously?" And her husband offered his help too. "Just tell us what to do."

"Ok, so… She, uhm... Damn, funny thing is I don't really know how to… Okay, here is the thing: She's… been through some bad things recently, which makes her a little bit… sensitive of sudden noise and physical touch, especially with man, I think… So, we'd better be gentle and quiet, don't try any sudden move or..." she shook her head slightly with a sigh. "Anyway, just, try not to startle her."

"Okay…," The big woman sounded a little nervous. "I got it… Oh, and what's her name, again? Sorry, I-"

"Olivia, Olivia Benson. She's,"...she used to be the best detective… "She just needs time."

"Yep." Cherry wanted to say something, but closed her mouth as catching the sadness crossing the blond's face.

"Liv, honey?" Alex opened the car door, smiling at how soundly the brunette slept in the backseats. Though, she didn't really know what to feel about this, happy or hurt. Since the day Olivia stopped saying a word, she started to get into this weird mood. The nightmares were gone, as well as most of the PTSD symptom, which making her a completely new person and quickened her healing. But it also worried Alex more in another aspect. "Wake up, sleepyhead. We arrived."

Olivia opened her eyes slowly, and blinked several times before met Alex's tender eyes.

Alex was not surprised to receive quietness. "Yeah, I know you're tired, and me too. So why don't we get inside and have some real sleep?" Carefully placing a hand on Olivia's shoulder, the blond kind of expected a flinch or something, but nothing. "This is Cherry and Adam. We've been best friends since we were 9 years old. They cleaned the house for us and now come to help. So, just let them help you, ok?"

Still, Olivia didn't even blink at the couple's greeting.

"It's fine." Cherry Gordon mouthed to her embarrassed friend in smile.

* * *

><p>Elliot scanned Kathy's eyes in disbelief. "Can I take it as a motive?"<p>

She held his gazing. "Yes, I did it… but only one time, and it was a mistake."

It felt like a slap in his face as he flushed immediately. "You BITCH!" Before he figured out what happened, red marks had faded-in on Kathy's cheek while the back of his hand getting numb and sting.

Both of them froze perfectly still.

It was the first time he hit her in their lifetime marriage, and he hit her hard. But seemed it didn't do any reducing to his anger instead of making him hate this woman more.

"I'm NOT in the mood of playing games with you. A baby died, and it almost cost Olivia's life as well, but you just didn't give a fuck about that. I can't believe this is what a mom of five children capable of! Don't you forget that she saved your life!"

"Now you feel what I felt? Welcome to my world. But seriously, I'm not playing games here, Elliot." She resisted blinking, but the tears dropped down against her will. "I did put something in the soup I made for her."

An odd smile covered his face, while his head kept nodding unconsciously.

Kathy escaped from his gazing. " But, believe or not, Elliot, these pills need long term regularly dose to make effort, so-"

"So, you're smart. I got it." He cut her off quickly. "What a genius plan. Well done! And being a goddamn detective for 18 years I didn't even have a clue about this…" He chuckled, "I must be the biggest idiot of the world…"

"Elliot-"

"Don't," he squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the trembling coming from both his body and voice. "Why… who the hell are you?"

Holding his narrowed eyes, she smirked slightly. "Your wife, Elliot. Remember?"

Her desperate and cold eyes poured some bitter anger as well as sadness into his heart.

"What do you want from me, Kathy?... I know, that I've been treating you like shit for many years, and I own you a lot. But… Okay, let's get it straight. You want me to leave without taking anything. I'll do, ok? You get everything, the kids, the house, my money, even my fucking life! You could have just asked, instead of doing so many brutal things, even took away the last thing she lives for in this world! She got NOTHING to lose after the disaster you brought to her, and that still didn't satisfy you?!"

"I brought the disaster?!" She widened eyes. "It is YOU who cheated on me in the first place! I was just looking for a truth!"

"The truth is that you were dying for getting a smoking gun which could beat me in the divorce fight, so you played it at all damn costs without even a blink, isn't it?!" He gasped and swallowed rapidly refusing to let his tears fall. "Kath, if you didn't get pregnant this time, our marriage would have died long before these shits happened. I kept telling myself, that for God's sake, be a decent husband and father at least for a period of time before-" He searched for the appropriate word. "This baby, I've learned to take it as God's will, to guide us giving one last chance to our relationship. I, I don't know what do you think, but for me, I was..." Memory-babbles popped out in his mind:

_"Y-You were ev-even moaning her n-name when you o-on top of me..."_

He shook his head hard, though, Olivia's bloodshot eyes and choky whisper still felt like drilling his heart. For some reason, the pain also got him angry as soon as dragging his tears down.

"'Last chance'...! That's why you immediately jumped into your office wife's bed and made her dirty dream come true? Is that how you cherish the 'God's will', huh?... Jesus, you're such an asshole, Stabler... Tell you what? Form Maureen to the twins I never relayed on anybody but myself. So, maybe you're not that important as you think, for me, at least."

"Good for you. Cuz we're done, Kath. I don- I can't love you anymore... Why don't you just end up everything and let me go?!"

"Because you son-of-a-bitch don't deserve!... Listen up." She leaned closer, clenching her teeth. "Something if I can't own, then no one can! No one! You wanna divorce? Bite harder!"

Staring at these foreign eyes, Elliot stunned in a cold sweat. He never thought he would have a conversation with her in this way, which only supposed to happen between him and the perps. Though, part of him also surprisingly felt the throbbing on his heart somehow easing. "Yeah, I will. Watch me."

Kathy slid her eyes to the pill-bag holding tight in his hand as the slight clicks sounding. "You're gonna blackmail me?"

"I can play it hard, too."

She cocked her head. "Great. Then. Welcoming our new dynamic, Elliot Stabler." With that, she swung the door open and ducked out. "I-"

Her voice got cut with a BANG followed by a loud scream of the brakes.

Suddenly, everything felt like stopped.

"KATHY-!"

* * *

><p>"Is that really okay to leave her there?" Taking the hot cocoa Cherry passing over, Alex sat down on the front stairs outside the house.<p>

"I know you're not a dog person but, trust me, she's not a dog, she's an angel, and she loves being companion with people especially... " The big woman sat down beside Alex, groaning joyfully with her first sip of her cocoa. "Last year I had a pneumonia, spent half a month in bed, and she stayed just beside my bed every single night during that time. Whenever I woke up in the midnight, to go to pee or drink, she was always alert, always with me. You know, even Adam… God, you never know guys can be how helplessly lazy until you get married."

That brought a smile to Alex's face.

"Oh, speak of this," Cherry playfully elbowed the woman beside her, "How's your life? Mr. 'Right' or 'Right-now'?"

Alex rolled eyes, running her fingers through her hair. "Okay… My dad sent you to spy on me, I got it."

"C'mon, you know your dad hates me since caught us smoking together."

"Oh yes, that was… when we were 15…16, and you were barely my weight, remember? Wow, time flies." The blond looked up, staring at the beautiful starry sky of the countryside. "Where to start… Uhm, when was the last time I saw you? 3… years ago? Anyway. Since that time we met in your wedding day, I haven't been with anyone. You know, after Trevor."

"Trevor … Langan? That lawyer? Okay. So for these 3 long years, you've always been single?"

"Yeah, good thing is my job keeping me busy. So…" Alex shrugged with a smile.

"Damn, I can never be single for that long… I just need to be someone, anyone, I think."

They both got silent for a brief moment.

"Tell me about her. I never saw you so…" She scanned Alex's face, "You look bad, you know that? I don't know how close you are, but... I think it supposed to be her family or someone doing all these things for her, instead of you. You got your own life to live, let alone your job."

Alex held both of her hands on the hot mug, watching it steaming. "She has no one. Her mother passed away, and her father... her father died when she was little." She hated to lie, but part of her knowing clearly that how much Olivia would hate her if she told other people about her past. "And I'm her best friend. So…"

"You sure you can manage that?" "Yeah, right... Actually, I've been thinking to get someone…"

"No one's good enough. You should find a sanatorium for her."

"Oh, no." Alex shook her head immediately. "No way. She'll stay with me."

"But for how long? Most people will never be the same. What if she's gonna be like this for years? Even… 10 years? I bet no man can survive a sick woman living with his girl friend."

"I…" The blond gripped hard on her cup as the question chewing her gut. Now this beloved friend was getting annoying and familiar, which reminded her so much old time they spent together with endless debates and fights. "I don't need a man, okay? And she's NOT 'most of people'! She just needs time to deal with all these damn…" She paused, taking a breath to calm herself. "You don't know what she's been through, otherwise, you'll understand that she has every right…"

"Jesus Christ... You gotta be kidding me." Cherry Gordon stood up, walking down the stairs to stand in front of Alex. "Do you have any idea what are you doing?

"I know." Alex got on her feet, too. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing, Cherry, and I know how hard it gonna be, to help someone who…whose life has just been turned upside down."

"Honey, but what about your life? You've always wanted to be a judge or-"

"Things changed." She locked her eyes with hers. "Something this job really taught me well, is that I can't win everything, nor help everyone. But her… " She turned her head a little bit towards where Olivia's room was. "I don't know, I just know, that she's the one I won't, and can't walk away from."

That made Cherry stunned. "I-I don't, I can't understand… With all my respect, but… no matter how close you are, but she's still a friend, isn't she? Look at me, Alex." As the blond did, she gazing deeply into these eyes. "Will you do the same thing for me, if I get sick like her?"

That got Alex's heart skip a beat.

Suddenly, fear coming from nowhere ran down her spine. "Don't be ridiculous." She found herself turned away.

"See? It's a 'no', but I want you know that I don't feel hurt or angry about that, instead, I appreciate every sane reaction of people. You hear me?" She walked over, chasing the blond's eyes. "I'm not convincing you not to help her, I just hope you to understand that you're not God, Alex, so, when it's time, just let go of people's destiny-"

"I can't!" She finally met her eyes. "Because I feel like her destiny is mine, too! Because… I-" Words died on her tongue. Cherry searched and encouraged the rest of Alex's words, but only watched her pressed lips together and breaking their eye contact.

The silent moment somehow ended up too long and got too cold to be saved by any answer.

Alex wrapped her coat tight, as a chill wind ducking into her collar.

"Ok, forget it." Cherry let out a long sigh. "Let's just get inside and get some sleep. You're-" before she finished, her wrist got grabbed by the blond as she shutting her up with a "shh".

"You hear that?"

"What?"

Alex turned around, eyes located on the window of the bedroom. "Is that… weeping or…? Olivia!" Cherry almost dropped both cups while Alex suddenly thrust her mug into her hand and started to run back.

Hand on the doorframe, the blond stopped her steps in place.

All she saw, was the brunette slowly lifted her head up from cradling the dog's head in her arms. And her face was full of nothing but tears and pain.

"Alex, my baby died, right?"

Within a second, the blond had flown over and held Olivia into her arms. Happiness, sorrow and relief washed over Alex at the same time while she realized that it was the first time Olivia truly talked, let alone the stammers were all gone. Though, her heart still hurting like being slit with a knife.

"…I'm sorry, Liv, I'm so, so, sorry…" Now, the counselor didn't know what or how to say, except repeating her sorry over and over again.

* * *

><p>(TBC)<p>

* * *

><p>So, Olivia came back to the reality. What do you wanna to see?<p>

And about Kathy, what do you want Elliot to do?

Stay with me, cuz the next Chapter will be sweet and twisty!

Give me some review, please~:) You'll make my day:)


	26. Chapter 26

**This chapter will be a little bit short but, i think you'll like it, cuz some bitter-sweet scene in on the way.**

**And, in the rescue chapter, i left something unwritten for this moment. So, you're gonna to know just what happened before the police getting into the basement and seeing Olivia holding gun to the Walker brothers dead bodies.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>CHAPTER 26<p>

Beneath the lazy orange sky, Olivia closed her eyes towards the warmth sun.

Breath in.

Breath out.

Lying in a wooden boat, drifting on a silky ocean, the brunette focused on nothing but the slight tiny heartbeats in her belly, which literally became the most incredibly beautiful melody she ever had in her life. And she felt she'd been enjoying this long-lost happiness forever, but no, not long enough yet for her.

She wished she could just stop time and live in this moment as long as the universe would be.

Olive. Olive Benson.

That was how she named her daughter. Yeah, it must be a girl. She knew it. She could feel it.

_You're such a quiet girl, you know that? Or you love your mommy too much to kick her? Sweetheart, don't worry, your mom is a super mom. Nothing in the world could stop her from protecting you. You're safe in mommy's belly, Olive, cuz I love you so much…_

Just like this, she talked with the baby like no one else existed in the world. And she loved this. Ignoring storms, thunders, noises… outside this orange sky, she could just hide here.

However, this time, this moment, things were different.

The Sun, which never moved at all here, started to set. One minute ago, it was still beautiful afternoon, but now changed into scary misty night.

_What happened?!_

She sat straightly up, only finding the ocean became marsh as well. And within a second, she was in completely darkness and freaking quiet.

_God, no… Run, I gotta go._

But she just didn't have any idea how to get out, or where to go. The boat was sinking, as well as her entire body. She could feel the water, even mud getting into her mouth, throat, suffocating her, though she just couldn't do anything.

_I can't die. No, no, I can't!_

Olivia struggled as hard as she could, which only speeded up her sinking.

Limps got weaker and weaker.

Mind faded…

_Sorry, baby, mommy's sooooo sorry… I know how much you wanna see the world, but I just can't bring you there…_

But just as her heartbreaking farewell came out, she felt her body hit the bottom of the water. And in a twinkling of an eye, her surrounding changed completely.

She felt like just waking up from a dream, seeing herself was actually lying in a room. And the first thing she heard, was a scream.

_"Olivia, help me!"_

Alex…?!

"Hold on, detective."

T Walker's low voice sent a shiver down her spine.

"Surprise, huh?" Suddenly, his bloody face jumped out of the dark, getting in front of her eyes.

Olivia stopped breath. "No…y-you're…"

"You thought you killed me?" As he laughed, the bullet hole between his eyebrows opened up and bled more badly. "You stupid little bitch. No one can kill me. No one. And I'm gonna hunt you, live with your soul, your every single heartbeat, until the day you die."

"No-, don't do this! Somebody, help me-!"

Alex's crying somehow dragged her out of the fear. "What the hell you're doing to her? Where's she?"

"You wanna know? C'mon, follow me. Save her or enjoy the show, up to you."

He walked away, disappearing the darkness soon. And as he leaving, Alex's scream only sounded more clearly and closer, while the brunette just couldn't tell which direction it came from.

"Alex! Alex, where are you?!"

And every time she tried to get on her feet, she fell. That was when she widened eyes seeing that inside her right trouser-leg was actually empty.

_Where… What happened to my … leg?_

"Ahh-! Help me, Olivia! Please…"

Jerking her head around, she still couldn't find the blond. "Alex! Hang on, I'm coming to get you!" But no matter how hard she tried to crawl, to move, her weak body just too shaky to get any far.

That was killing her, because she could hear clearly how painfully the blond screamed, and picture how bad they must be hurting her… only she couldn't do anything about that.

"No-! Let her go, you motherfuckers… I'll kill you, I swear I will…"

"You want her? Give me your baby. Give it to me!"

T Walker's shout startled her. And with that, she found there was a knife holding in her hand.

"Take it out! Take the fucking baby out!"

"No, no," her hand was shaking like hell.

"Then watch how I gonna fuck her! WATCH ME!"

"NO_OO! Olivia, stop him! Liv!"_

"Alex! No~… No… I don't, I can't..."

"Cut! CUT!"

_"Olivia! He's… he's… touching me, please, stop him!"_

"Alex!... T! You leave her alone-!"

And as soon as the cold blade stabbing into her stomach, she shot her eyes open.

"Olivia! Liv, look at me, look at me. You just had a nightmare, and it's over now. You're safe. I got you… I got you…"

* * *

><p>It took Alex a long while to finally get the brunette stoppd struggling and screaming. And the minute their eyes really locked each other, her own tears dropped with hers.<p>

"Oh, God, Alex… I saw… I saw them, they… I-I watched you died… you died on me…"

"Shhh," Alex wrapped her stiff arms around Olivia's shaky body carefully. Yes, truth be told, she kind of expected things like this to happen, after a couple hours ago seeing the brunette cried herself to sleep. But now, her heart still couldn't help but ache in mixed feelings. "No, no, honey, it's not true, just a dream. I'm here. We… we're here…"

But Olivia didn't hug her back, instead, she pushed apart, staring back at her with those eyes filling with doubt and fear.

"We made it, girl. They died. You killed the bastards, …remember?" Alex swallowed her waving emotions down, suddenly not sure what she was actually expecting.

"I… really … did?"

"Yes, Liv, yes. I saw their dead-bodies in the morgue." She held Olivia's face in both hands, thumbing her tears off gently. "Everything's over, honey. Everything." And she paused until seeing her words sank in those dark brown eyes. "It's time, to move on, sweetheart."

"Time?... Wha- Where am I?" Her whisper trembled in confusing and lost.

"We're in an old country house of my parents, and you've been released from the hospital, remember?... Liv, it's been an entire month you haven't said a word. I'm worried to death. Where have you been?"

That drew the brunette's attentions back. "Wha-… Me….? I, I was… I don't know. I uh, I guess... had a dream. A good one, then…"

"It's okay..." Alex interrupted. Screw the nightmares. She was aching for feeling her alive and comprehending. "I'm so… incredibly happy that I got you back. You just... Have you noticed that you can speak perfect normally now? That's… Welcome, honey, welcome back." Alex cracked a teary grin, pulling the brunette into a hug.

This time, Olivia did the same. "Me… too, Alex. God… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

It surprised the blond. "Sorry? For what? Listen,"

"I put you in danger, I almost got you… What if-"

"Oh, Olivia." Alex leaned back, looking straightly into those sad eyes. "You saved my life." Suddenly, she stopped. About that thing, she knew it might be the worst time to bring it up. "Honey, it's still the midnight. You want to go back to sleep or, maybe take a bath?"

Though, the brunette still frowned in thoughts. "No… no. I," her eyes were anxious, "Alex, I feel… so hollow."

Now, overwhelmingly guilt and pain stabbed Alex's heart. "I know… You're not alone. You got me, Liv. We'll go through this, together."

"I haven't… even… held her for one time. I wanted so much, to know how it feels like, you know, holding the whole world in my arms…" Olivia buried her face into Alex's chest.

Unstoppable.

Her tears were unstoppable, though she didn't care, for suddenly the feeling of not having cried for thousand years crushed her. Now the only thing Olivia Benson wanted, was the warmth coming from the blond woman's chest raises and falls.

"Let it out, Liv. Let it out…"

Feeling tears wet her shirt; Alex found herself could hardly make a sound but chocked up by the mixed bitter-sweet emotions. Part of her was actually happy to see the finally releasing of Olivia's self-destroyed misery, but the other part of her only getting killed bit by bit witnessing the brunette breaking down in her own arms while she didn't have a clue what to do besides dropping useless tears here.

"Alex, I feel so sorry for Olive… She got the worst mom of the world, who couldn't even protect her…"

"'Olive'…?"

"Yeah, that's how I named her… Can't believe it's the only thing I gave to her, Alex… "

"Please stop… Liv. I'm so sorry…" She couldn't take it anymore. Every word coming out of Olivia's lips, rubbed salts into the bleeding wound on her heart. "It's my fault. I should have done what they wanted! Then, you and the baby would never…"

Olivia shook her head and pushed apart. "No, Alex… Don't…"

"You gotta let me finish, cuz it kills me to see your die a little bit day by day. Olivia, I feel responsible for not buying more time before the rescue came. And so many times I dreamt managed… help you, help the baby, because I could, I should! I'm not 10 years old virgin-."

"Stop, Alex! That was MY choice, and I'll never let anyone do that to you!"

The sudden push on Alex's shoulders, started her.

"That bastard was hurting you in that time. What else I could do? I had to get his guard down so i could get the gun. You want me just watch him touching you, even killing you right in front of my eyes? I can't… I just can't, Alex."

"Neither can I!" The blond gripped hard on Olivia's both hands, clenching her teeth. "You know how I feel? To see you… see you pl-pleasing him like that…"

"It's nothing." She lightened her tone, shaking head slightly. "I didn't feel anything. I-I didn't really remember-"

"Bullshit!" Alex yelled in anger, blinking to clear her vision, and finding the brunette stared back at her with her body trembled. "If it has to be some scarifies, nothing is less than the other!"

"You just don't get it, do you?" It was barely a whisper. "It better be me than you, cuz I already… already…"

"Oh, Olivia, stop it, stop it please…." The blond placed fingers on Olivia's lips before the rest words ripping her heart into pieces. "I'm sorry… so sorry… God, it just hurts too much to see you losing the baby just for protecting me."

"She's gone, Alex…" she gently brushed the hand on her mouth away, "but you're here, safe, and just... be you. That's the meaning of everything, right…?"

Those watering eyes didn't blink, though, tears burst out, anyway.

Just before the first tear-drop slipping down the brunette's cheek, Alex found herself leaned forward and kissed it away.

Salty.

Hot.

And bitter. That was what her tongue tasted. But she didn't let go, until feeling both her hands cupped Olivia's cold face in.

With her eyes closed, Olivia pinched her trembling lips together, cried in silence. And in the dim light of the lamp, her face was so pale, so clear, that even the blue veins under her skin showed the color…

Don't open your eyes, Liv. Don't…

Alex prayed, cuz she knew as she did, her entire soul would literally fall in these eyes and never find the way out.

Never. Ever.

(TBC)

* * *

><p><strong>Please review!<strong>

**(I know, some AOers will be happy while EOers will curse me. Sorry... I'm not teasing you guys, but, you know, love and life are always complicated. So, EO or AO is not up to me, even not up to the characters in someway. Because back to the real life, is there anyone's life just goes on exactly in the way you want it to? Or maybe sometimes we even don't really know what the hell we truly want.)**

**Yeah, so, the real Elliot is not gonna just learn to be a normal friend of the woman he's known for so many years. After all, to really let go of some long time complicated relationship, is never a easy thing for anybody to do.**

**And for Alex, she also has a long way to go. To find her real feeling, and to deal with the pains followed by.**

**Trust me, as a lesbian, I've learned too many times that some thorns will just always be in your heart, never go away.**

**For our dearest olivia... If you were her, please share with me what do you think or feel.**

**Love you guys~~(I didn't write back every review but truly, I read more than 5 times of every one of your comments.) So, please, write to me:)**


	27. Chapter 27

**Sorry for making all my readers waiting for so long. i've been busy and lazy recently, sorry again~ ~ ~**

**Well, this Chapter is a little long, and you'll know about some really important informations in it. **

**Enjoy!**

CHAPTER 27

* * *

><p>Next Day<p>

In the end of the their long lunch, Alex started to feel bad for pushing Olivia too hard. All she wanted was the brunette could eat more, for her standing out collarbones' sake. Though, it was more than obvious, that Olivia really did her best to manage more food down while she was actually more like pretending than eating.

Setting down her fork, "I'm done." Alex said it first. "And I'd like to save some for dinner, by the way. How about you?"

Remission crossed Olivia's cheeks as she pushing her plate away. "Yeah, why not?" She smiled convincingly.

"So, what now?" The blond leaned forward and smiled back. "Feel like going out and enjoy the sunshine? Along the stream, there's a really nice Irish cafe with their best ice-creams."

Olivia couldn't help but feeling herself dying for the long-lost sweet, cool taste touching her tongue. "God, ice-cream..."

Lights dancing in those brown eyes brought a wide grin on Alex's face. "And we gonna fresh up, put on some make-up and some colorful clothes to match the pretty afternoon. How's that?"

"Oh, it's... it's good." Habitually, the brunette raised a hand to pinch the hair behind her ear but dropped her eyes quickly as the fingers feeling her man-short hair. Though, her hand got caught in the middle way of lying down.

"Hey, what's wrong?" She asked as gentle as talking to a shy deer.

"Nothing." Olivia managed a small smile.

"Look at me, Liv." She waited until the brown eyes met her own. "Just me. We're having a Girls'-Day. There won't be too many people. I promise. If you get tired or don't like there, we'll go back, ok? I really hope you feel comfortable and," she paused, watching carefully at those dark eyes staring her back, "...you can't stay indoors forever."

Olivia breathed in. I'm not afraid of people or outside. Though, somehow she just nodded with a smile. "So, can I borrow your makeup?"

"Anything, anytime, my Queen!" The happy fairy made a beeline to the bathroom, leaving the other woman wiping her sweaty palms on her thighs.

Olivia didn't really know her mixed feelings now. Fear, anxiousness or excitement...? She pictured some ugly weakling slumped at the exit of its lair, looking out of the shadow and staying out of the world.

"Here we go." The blond flew back and squatted down beside Olivia's lap, holding a small bag holding in hands. "You wanna do it?"

These baby-blue eyes flashed encouragement and hidden expectation.

"Can't wait." Olivia lied, taking the pressed-powder in hand. It was a white fine compact, barely her palm's size. "Wow, it's so much better than mine." She raised an eyebrow playfully, while only feeling her fear growing inside. She never really saw her face since... since she barely remembered.

"Or..." the blond covered her hand on Olivia's, "Shall I?"

...

Just like that, Alex Cabot for the first time of her life did makeups for another woman, with all her heart and attentions, which didn't seem like any moment in her life she ever experienced before.

Her heart hurt and melted with every time the brush stroking across Olivia's face, as if the brush itself became part of her fingers which helped she actually felt the warmth, smoothness of that familiar and foreign face.

So she asked her to close eyes.

Because Alex felt she really needed the privacy to spoil her sudden urge of staring at that face. Maybe just for once, just for now, whatever, she just decided to naked her soul and stay in this moment, to be with the brunette.

"You're..." words slid out of Alex's lips.

That was when the silent woman opened her eyes and saw her own reflections in these lake-like eyes.

"What?" She breathed.

"Take a look."

Olivia's hands were hesitated, while opening the foundation box.

Both of them held breathes at the same time Olivia seeing her face in that small mirror.

"See? How beaut-" Alex went silent as the sudden tears rolling down Olivia's face.

Click.

The brunette slammed the mirror shut and turned away.

"What's wrong, honey? Did I do something wrong? You don't like I-"

"No, no, you made me… beautiful, too beautiful." Her voice quivered, "I… been thinking, about what it would be, you know, the moment like this. But I-" She shook her head, "I can't… I-" These watering eyes looked up. "…can I just stay… away from people?" She swallowed, struggling for keeping her voice audible. "I can't be the one you want me to. Sorry."

"Olivia," Alex called out before the brunette rolling her wheelchair away. "Don't apologize. You didn't fail me. Never have, never will. Like I said, if you don't feel like going there, we'll turn straightly back. But," she stepped forward, gently putting a palm on Olivia's shoulder, "give it a try, please. For the gorgeous day's sake, for me… I'm not gonna tell you how beautiful you are, cuz you already saw it in my eyes, and you'll see it when people staring back at you. You should be proud of yourself, you know that? It is a battle and you are the winner. You saved people, saved Kathy, beat the death, and got the justice you deserve."

"I thought," her head was shaking slowly, "for all my life, I thought once a victim nailed the bad guy, she'll find justice and find the life back. But obviously, I was wrong. I'm just not the same people, Alex, no matter how familiar my face look like in the mirror. It is not me. Not me. I… I don't know how, what to think of myself, Alex. I don't know me anymore."

"You don't need to be the same, Liv." The blond came to the side of Olivia, feeling a little surprise of her not crying. "We are what our lives made us to be. And I love the entire you, bad and good, bright and dark. And you should do that, too. I know it is easer to say than do, but you still need to give it a chance." She held her hand to get her attention. "Someday you'll get back on your feet and find the new beauties in the rest of your life, honey."

With a blink, the tears dropped down her expressionless face. Is it matters? But she bit the words back down. "Yeah… I know what the right thing is. I uh, could you pass me the meds? The headache's back."

It got the blond frown. "How bad is it?" Her hand reached out to touch her forehead.

"Not bad, just…" Olivia shut her eyes, turning away. "Where's it?"

"You can't take anymore today. You already had it three times today."

"So what?" Her eyes were everywhere looking for the small yellow bottle.

"Honey, I really think the fresh air helps. Why don't we go out-"

"Just give the damn pills to me!"

Staring at her glare, the blond held her breath and gritted teeth. "Olivia, you really know what the right thing is?"

It was the brunette who looked away first and headed to the front door. "You make me feel like some fucking prisoner here."

Alex felt the wetness seep in her eyes, but she managed it down, before made it to the doorway and got the knob for her.

"Olivia, wait!" The door was literally slammed shut. "Slow down, Benson!"

When her wheelchair was grabbed from behind, Olivia heard her own gasping. Only several meters rolling the wheels, already made her lightheaded and out of breath.

"You know the right thing, huh? Then prove me. Show me!"

The brunette startled, as she turning and meeting the crutches. She swallowed the sudden sickness unnoticeably, clenched her teeth, while moving eyes up along the sticks. "Get, it, out of my face!"

"Can't do that. Unless you take it."

"Who the hell you think you are?" She simply turned and attempted to roll the wheels.

But the blond only put more strength on holding her still.

Olivia tried several times, each time more harder, until the sweat seeping from her hairline and her arms had no strength left. "Fuck you…"

"Show me," Alex took a breath to force her voice cold and stable, "that you treasure your future."

"Fine!"

Suddenly, Olivia roughly grabbed the crutches over and held the handgrips, getting the tops of the crutches under her armpits.

"Take it easy! Don't-"

But it was too late. The brunette already fell before Alex catching her.

"Liv! Liv, are you ok?"

"Fuck off!" Elbowing herself up, Olivia pushed the blond away. "You…you satisfied? What the fuck you want from me?!"

Alex withdrew her hands immediately, feeling her heart stopped in a twisting pain. "I want you to take the first step of recreating the rest of your life, and I know you can do that!" As the words coming out, her own tears dropped, too.

"I CAN'T! Look! Look at my fucking legs! Are you blind or something? I'm ruined. Alex, go find another woman to patronize!" She coughed, holding her chest painfully.

"Shit," the blond caught her before her shaking body collapsed down. "Liv, honey, breathe, look at me, look at me," she put a palm on the brunette's face, wiping the tears, sweats with her thumb.

Finally, the cough stopped, which made Olivia's entire body hurt like hell.

"You the what is really ruined? The make-up I gave to you."

It got the brunette eased her frown. "That's… why you, you hate me?"

"I hate you hate yourself, Benson."

Olivia lifted her eyes slowly, seeing the sorrows clouded those blue pair. That was when her heart softened. "I don't. I just... I'm afraid, Alex."

"Of what?"

"Of… everything."

Closing her eyes, Alex pulled the woman in her arms closer, until pressing Olivia's face against the place of her heartbeats. "It's okay, honey, it's okay to be afraid… for now. But I promise you, since we're in the bottom of the darkness, so no matter how tiny a step we make, we are heading up, heading to the light. You hear me?"

"Are we?" The brunette breathed in Alex's chest.

"I promise. You'll see it. We'll see it." She gave a gentle kiss on Olivia's head. "How's the pain now? Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine."

"Let me see."

She stopped her. "Please... I'm fine."

Alex paused, and bought it. "Ok... So, fine enough to take the first step?"

She leaned back. "Damn, Alex. Told you I can't…"

"You can, Olivia. Listen to me," She held her annoyed eyes. "According to your doctor, you should have taken the first try of the physical therapy a week before they released you, which means, physically, you're good enough for this. Understand?"

Her eyes shone doubts. "No... But-"

"C'mon, just now wasn't a real try. Let's do it again. Do it by the book, with my help."

Olivia took a deep breath, before eyeing down her legs.

"Remember, all these shits are temporary. The wheelchair, the crutches... Do you know Oscar Pistorius, who has double below-knee amputations?"

The brunette closed her eyes.

"He won the Paralympics gold medals in the 100, 200 and 400 meters sprints in 2008. People call him 'Blade Runner'."

Now, her eyes met hers.

"He had her first step, too, years ago. Maybe in some spring sunny day, like today. So," her heart lightened to see the ice melting in those dark eyes, "let's make today rememberable."

Olivia took another breath, and nodded her head slowly.

After sat back into the wheelchair, Alex took over the crutches.

"Ok. You take a break and I'll show you how to use this." She squatted down, cracking a small smile seeing the calmness went back on Olivia's tired face. "First of all, I'm gonna help you to stand on your left leg, and support your entire weight. It may cause some pain. So don't make any sudden move or over do it. If you have to give up or need to rest, let me know at first, okay? Don't just simply let go of my hands. It could hurt you." She paused, until the brunette nodded. "After you find the balance, I'll pass you the crutches. Make them about one foot ahead you, before you lean forward and shift your weight on them."

"Okay. Let's do it." Her face was serious.

"One more thing. Since it's the first day, so, our goal would be to just stand up. No step, no walking. Okay?"

"Yes, doc."

"Great." She gave her an encouraging smile, before put the brunette's arms around her neck. "Hold tight, and get up very very slowly, ok?"

With that, Olivia leaned forward and let the blond help her rise up.

"Ah!"

Alex froze in place immediately and held Olivia more tightly. "Ok, ok, I'm not moving."

"No, no, I just need a sec... Ok, keep going."

"You sure?"

She nodded with her lips pressed to pale.

As the brunette finally managed on her one foot, sweat had streamed down the back of her neck.

"God, it really h-hurt... like a bitch!" Her voice was as shaky as her leg.

"Do you need a break?" Alex heard her own breathes got heavy as well. "We can try this later if you-"

"No... No, I'm, good. Just, just give me the fucking cur-crutches."

Alex started to wonder if she was doing a stupid thing as seeing the color draining from Olivia's face. "Okay. Great. Keep holding my neck tight, hold on." Eyes never leaving the pale woman, Alex grabbed the crutches with one hand quickly. "Here you go, honey. Do Not over do it, you hear me? Test your arms first, before shift weight off me. And do it super carefully, slowly... Good, yeah, just like this... You're doing great. Great... Easy, easy..."

The shitty thing was, even her arms were shaking, too. Though, didn't know how, Olivia felt the old stubbornness kicked back in. She just didn't want to give up. She wanted to stand up, now.

Wanted it more than anything.

Finally, Alex carefully let go. "You made it, Olivia... You see it? I told you, I told-" She swallowed, before the rising lump in the throat choked her.

Though, the brunette was too tired and nervous to speak. Focus. Focus.

Just two seconds and the blond wrapped her arms back around Olivia's shoulder. "Okay, enough. We're done today. Don't over do it."

"I... can... try, walk..."

"No, no way. Not today."

"Hold me, let me... try!"

"Olivia!"

"Alex!"

The glare she was shooting her, flashed almost begging.

"I... need, this."

Alex chewed on her lower lip. God, she hated that look sometimes. "One more moment, then. And I swear, if you dare pass out on me-"

Before she finished, the brunette had started to shift her weight to her leg, and moved the crutches forward.

"Ah!"

Her scream shot through Alex's ears like an electricity, stopped her heart.

"What-" before she reacted, the crutches had dropped to the ground as her collar gripped by Olivia's shaking hands. "I got you. I got you! Sit down, sit down now..., here you go..." Holding Olivia's body in arms, Alex quickly pulled the wheelchair closer by foot.

It almost got Alex collapse in the chair at the same time and land on the brunette.

"Ok, ok, you can rest now. How bad? Let me see." Alex gasped, throwing herself down to her knees.

But Olivia reached out a hand, shaking head.

"Stop fighting me, God dammit!" She raised voice. "I know what you wanna say to me. But I'm stubborn, too. Bite me." With that, she gently rolled up the brunette's gown.

"The swelling's back." She sigh, looking up. "Silly, don't overdo it again... I'm sorry... I never should've-"

"No, no, I'm sorry..." Olivia lowered eyes. "I... Thank you, Alex, for all the inspiriting."

That brought a small smile back on the blond's face. "How's the pain? Let's go back and get some ice on it."

"I'm fi..." She smiled too. "Okay, mom. And I uh, I still want to the ice-cream. Can I?"

"Of course!" This time, Alex grinned. "After dealing with this, we gonna get cleaned up and go to the cute café. It's your reward."

With that, both of them giggled.

* * *

><p>"Elliot Stabler?"<p>

"Right here!" Elliot Stabler cocked his head as soon as hearing his own name got called. "How's she?" He rushed to the doctor.

"Mr. Stabler, your wife is safe now, but the baby, is premature."

His jaw dropped. "Is...Is..."

"You have a baby girl. But she's still in the incubators... Mr. Stabler, I have to tell you, the baby is too weak and small, so... I can not assure you that she can pull through."

It felt like being shot in the heart by a bullet. Elliot swallowed drily. "Can I see the baby?"

"Only outside the window, I'm afraid. This way."

Following the doctor, Elliot numbly moved his wooden legs behind.

_You have a baby girl._

_You have a baby girl._

_A baby girl..._

It was the only thing still comprehensible to him. Though, the word of "baby" for the first time felt creeping strange.

_My baby girl._

_My little girl._

_My..._

He murmured like some praying monk, while nothing really making sense. Until suddenly, he froze in place.

Finally standing face to face with the incubators and a cat-like tiny baby, Elliot Stabler felt suffocated in the overwhelmingly waking pain.

* * *

><p>When the two women second time getting out of the house, they looked fresh and happy. Olivia was wearing a long light-gray dress, and a wool oversize dark-blue sweater. Around her neck, wrapped a silk gray scarf, which perfectly covered the scar. To match her partner, the blond counselor picked jeans, black boots and a white hoodie.<p>

Leaves cracking slightly beneath Alex's feet as she pushing the wheelchair, walking on the path along the little stream.

"I'm still picturing you wearing the pink sweater."

"C'mon, counselor. You know I never wear that color." Olivia rolled her eyes. "Even when I was 7."

"Oh really? You never told me that. Tell me something about your childhood." Alex regretted bringing up the topic immediately.

"My childhood... It felt like a hide-and-seek kinda game. You know. Hid away from the classmates, from people, especially my mom... Now as a cop if I meet the 7 years old me, I would say, this kid could turn out a serial killer someday."

Alex couldn't see her face, but she heard the smile in her voice. Though, she still wanted to drop this topic, anyway. "Did you have any BFF back then?"

"I...uh, yes, I think I did..."

Alex couldn't help but get curious. "You think?"

"Her name was Mia, Mia Jones."

Alex slowed down her steps. "Was?"

"She died a long time ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry..."

She shook her head. "Her mother died after giving birth to her, and she moved to our community when she was 13, becoming the new neighbor, new classmate. She was such a quiet girl, and never wore bright color."

"Just like you."

"Yeah, we had pretty much in common... except she was blond. Just like you."

Flashbacks jumped out in Alex's mind.

_"... an abortive first-love when you were 15 years old which ended up being caught in bed with a girl?... What that girl looked like?...Bet she looked just like her? Also a blondie?"_

They stopped moving.

The brunette turned her head a little, "Yes. Jason was right. Mia and I… We kinda had sex once, when we were 15."

Both of them went silent.

"Liv, if you don't feel like talk about this..."

"It's okay. I never said any of this to anyone... only, if it's not bothering you." Hesitation and sadness waved in her voice.

"Of course not." But do you really want to hear, Cabot? She stole deep breath inaudibly.

"We barely talked before the day I had a fight with the boys in school. You know teenagers. They said something really bad about my mom, so we ended up fighting. They were 3 of them, so I got beat up pretty bad. At that moment, Mia came to me. She lifted a chair, knocked one boy's head. When I looked up, she was holding a knife in hand, and the boys were gone." She paused, as if still going through that moment. "After that, we became good friends. We shared everything, every bit of happiness, sadness... that was the first time I learned that being alone could also be lonely and painful. She opened a new world for me."

Alex forced a smiled, ignoring the sour jealousy chewing on her heart. "How did everything change? Who started?"

"I don't know… maybe …it started at the night of her 14 years birthday. It was summer. We were sitting in the backyard of her house, smoking, drinking... She asked me to sleep over, which was odd, because she knew how my mom would react about my not going home for the night. But she still asked, almost begged. That was when she told me about being touched by her father."

"God…"

"So I stayed at that night, hearing her heartbreaking story. I felt so angry, so frustrated. Even, I thought about killing her father and running away. But she just cried, as if disappointed at how childish I actually was… I cried with her. We cried, hugged… kissed."

"And then you two…"

"No, not that time. We were just two frightened girls, searching for warmth from each other… I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about Tommy, right?"

Alex flushed. But she was glad to see the brunette talking about all these so calmly. "Well, you got me."

"He was a neighbor, two years older than me. We grew up together. His father helped us a lot during all my childhood. And as we growing, he started to have a crush on me."

"What did you feel about him?"

"Back that time, I was like a porcupine, always in the mood of pushing away every boy getting close to me." She shrugged. "You have no idea what kind of shit my mom filled in my head everyday. She hated men... So, I felt pretty confused about being hit on. Though, he never pushed me. He just kept being a brother, being nice and sweet..."

"So, who did you choose?"

"Choose? I was so young, confuse and frightened. The only thing I knew, was to run, pretending nothing had ever happened at all. I couldn't allow myself to be gay, cuz it was obviously the only place I would be if I kept going deep with Mia."

The blond's heart skipped a beat. "Why?" It bursted out of her mouth a little bit too fast, too hard tone.

"I just... Deep inside, maybe I've always been longing for the normal life since I was old enough to know what a normal family meant."

Silently, Alex gripped on the wheelchair-handles hard. "Then why did you sleep with her?"

"It was..."

"A mistake? You regretted?" She was nearly accusing her, which the blond just didn't care now.

"No, never! Actually, it might be the sweetest thing to do, giving our virginities to each other. It was almost a year later. For a long time, the three of us had been keeping a safe distance, until, her 15th birthday night. We spent the night at my place, and, the old feelings just magically went back. For the first time, I felt like... like I fell in the breath-taking beauty of an angel. It's beyond words... I never got the feeling of dying for becoming a part of her life, of her... being. So I couldn't help but kissed her... which, started everything."

Alex swallowed. She didn't know her feelings anymore. The itch, jealousy, sadness and anger mixed with some physical reaction of her body, overwhelmed her.

"I just didn't care anymore. Gay or not... The girl in front of my eyes was the only thing matter. Though... unfortunately, Tommy came to find me at that time. Seeing my mom passed out, so he just came straightly to my room and... saw it... You know, usually after going through things like that, people will finally show the real color."

"He did something bad, didn't he?"

"He told Mia's father about everything at the same night..." The paused was too long, long enough to keep Alex in silence. She knew something painful was on the way.

"I called her after his dad grabbed her home. She sounded so calm, so damn peaceful, told me she was fine... the second day, she was found dead in the tub, wrist cut... That was why my mom and I moved to New York, and never saw Tommy again."

Chilly wind blew gently.

Alex shivered at the same time her heart freezing and sinking. Yes, she had a bad feeling of where the story might end up, though, it still broke her heart anyway. More than that, she startled by how calmly the brunette went through everything. She watched her carefully from behind all the way, and she bet, that the brunette hadn't shared a tear.

The scary, confusing, calmness.

"It's part of the reason you became a SVU detective?"

Though, the elder woman didn't answer that. "Spring's really coming..." She lifted her face up, meeting the bright sun shining upon.

"Yeah, even the air is different. You feel that?"

"Uhmm…" Sucking in the freshness of the spring field, Olivia closed her eyes. "…smells like grass, soil."

"And alive." With that, Alex gave a gentle squeeze on the brunette's shoulder.

"... alive..."

* * *

><p><strong>(TBC)<strong>

**Do you like this chapter? **

**Do you want Kathy's baby to die? (smirk) **

**And what Olivia will react if the baby dies? Will it bring EO closer?**

**Trust me, i read every single review with all my heart, and feeling nothing but fluttered. **

**So, please write something, anything to me, it will make my day! **

**Thanks for reading!**


	28. Chapter 28

**Sorry for my dearest readers, for updating so late. Recently i've been incredible busy. But i hate to mess with my fiction, so, slow but nice, i promise:)**

**Please let me know if you life this chapter.**

**It is a very important one.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 28 <strong>

* * *

><p>Pushing the door open, Elliot was surprised to meet his oldest daughter Maureen's glare.<p>

"Mom called me." She sounded tired, leading her dad to come to the corner of the room. "She's finally asleep."

"I thought you were on business travel with your new boss?" He heard guilt hiding in his voice.

"I gotta come. Dad, you really need to tell me what, exactly, happened."

The concern and anger in the young girl's eyes, hit some tender part of her father's heart.

"It was an accident. Your mom got out of the car too fast without checking-"

"Yeah, it's no one's fault. I got it."

"Maureen..."

"You two were fighting, weren't you? Dad, I'm not pointing fingers here, but look at her. Mom's not young anymore and she's, was, pregnant for God's sake! How could you let this happen? How could you...?!" Her teeth gritted. "...You have no idea how bad I want to stay out of your crap... What all these for? All the fights, suffers, hurts... It nearly cost two lives! Why couldn't you just get divorced?"

Elliot looked everywhere but her eyes. _Where to start?_ "I know you're totally ok with this. But it's not so easy as you think."

"Of course not. So you'd rather torture each."

"Maureen! It's... " His mind ran fast, wondering whether to have this conversation with his daughter, in this place.

"Just tell me, this time you want it or not, dad."

Somehow, her tone made him feel more like talking to a friend instead of his little girl. "I do. But your mom doesn't."

"... Mom still loves you."

_Love..._

Frustration hit him.

_How could you expect a girl in her age to understand what a dying marriage was capable of people? _

"It's... not about love. Look,"

"Then it's about what?"

God, that stubborn look felt like looking himself in the mirror. "It's complicated, Maureen. It's…not..."

"How complicated?"

"You won't understand."

"Why?!"

"Because you're too damn young to get it!"

"Try me!"

"It's a God damn war, ok?!" Out of nowhere, it came out almost by yelling.

"Fine. War… which mom's meant to lose. Because you got your 'spare tire' to carry on. I get it." Her eyes reddened, flashed heartbreak.

The air quotes she made, stabbed Elliot's heart. "It had nothing to do with Olivia. Don't you-"

"Glad to hear you admit it." Kathy's hoarse whisper dropped like a bomb.

"Mom." Maureen rushed over, holding her hand in her own.

Though, the eye contact of the couple never broke.

"War? No, it isn't." She squeezed her daughter's hand. "It called punishment... 'Till death do our apart'. Obviously you forgot about it, didn't you? But Jesus is always watching up there. Elliot, since the day Olivia walked into your life, our life... I knew everything might be changed. I still remember that day you told me about your new partner, Olivia Benson. God, the way you spoke her name looked like chewing candy. But unfortunately, I was right about the prologue, while so deadly wrong about the ending. You, Elliot, father of 5 children, eventually turned out to be her fuck buddy."

"Kathy, shut up!"

He was too late to stop her, and the next thing he felt was the burning gazing coming from the two women.

"Dad...? You really…?"

"Mrs. Stabler?" A doctor rushed in suddenly, whose face immediately sent a bad feeling to Elliot. "I'm sorry but I have to let you know, the baby is in danger."

That was all Kathy Stabler heard. And the next thing she knew, was her feet on the cold floor and ran.

* * *

><p>The small cafe was in their sights, and Alex couldn't help but feeling both of them got excited.<p>

"So, what's your favorite flavor?"

"Chocolate and banana. You?" Olivia turned, narrowing her eyes under the sun.

"Vanilla." Alex raised a hand, making a shed for the brunette.

Olivia grinned, "I'd like to taste yours."

_That's called indirectly-kiss._

The thought sent an electricity across Alex's heart. "Only if I can taste yours, too." God, she loved seeing the Benson-smile.

"Uhm...No, you can't." With that, the brunette giggled. "I love to see you in shock, counselor."

"Okay, Benson, now I'm gonna eat yours up."

It almost sounded like "eat-you-up", reddening the blond's cheeks.

Alex faced away, unnoticeably hiding her blush, though awaring that Olivia was totally on the different side of the universe, sort of became a salvation.

_So, that's it. Everything's going to be fine. Yes. Starts from the beautiful day._

Now, they approached the tiny cabin.

Two-thirds of the seats were full, making the small room look almost like some morning Starbucks in Manhattan.

Alex pushed the door open.

Jingling.

The mini bell on the knob drew people's eyes over.

Immediately, Alex felt the brunette shifted uncomfortably.

"Wow, this place's getting popular." She lightened her tone, placing a gentle hand on Olivia's shoulder.

"Yeah." Olivia forced a breath.

"How about...we sit out there and enjoy the sunshine?" _Shit. What the hell are they staring at?_

"Yes, yeah,...why not?" Even before the words finished, the brunette already started to roll her wheels.

Getting out of the house, Alex headed straightly to the seats by the wall. "Here we go. Do you like here?"

"...I, huh...What… did you say?"

Alex met those dark eyes, which still flashed upset. "Honey, are you ok?"

"Yes, yes I'm fine." She answered quickly.

It didn't take a counselor to know, that the brunette was silently screaming "please pretend nothing is unmoral".

"All right." Alex smiled. "So, I go get the ice-cream. Just one minuet, okay?"

"Can't wait." Olivia put on a convincible grin.

"Anything else? Dessert?"

"Surprise me."

"Great." _  
><em>

"I won't talk to the strangers, mom."

"That's my girl."

The blond winked and left. But she felt clearly that Olivia's smile dropped almost immediately as she turned around.

_Is the normal life really gonna come back?_

She asked herself.

And so did she.

* * *

><p>The things happening right before his eyes, literally cut Elliot's heart. There was nothing more painful than watching the doctors, nurses and tubes flew around, while the life in his baby girl's body just faded bit by bit.<p>

But he managed to hold the tears all the time, until the green line on the monitor flatted.

"God, no!"

The scream bursted out of Kathy's chest, tore the universe.

"Let me in. Get off me..."

"Ma'am, you can't get in!"

"Please! She needs her mom!"

"Ma'am, I'm sorry. You can't-"

Elliot hadn't even felt his body moved before he grabbed the nurse up and roughly shoved her away. "Get the fuck out of her way!"

"Damn… I'm gonna call security!"

"Let him!" A male doctor rushed over and stopped his nurse. But his silent headshake seemed like a finding of death to Elliot.

He held his breath.

_No…_

And when he turned to his wife and the dying baby, his heart stopped.

Nobody dared to move or make a sound, except watching the grief-stricken mother holding her baby's tiny lifeless body with her shaking arms and whispering "breathe, breathe, c'mon, breathe for Mommy…" over and over again.

What a déjà vu..

Though Elliot hadn't really witnessed what Olivia had been through when she lost the baby.

But it still doubled the pain anyway. As if the time-space overlapped the two important women of his life, two mothers, mothers of his own children, at the same time.

In the end, when everyone turned around and wiped tears, the Stablers had kissed their heartbreaking goodbye to the baby.

...

"Elliot," Kathy met her husband's reddened eyes, and sighed. "let's get divorced."

* * *

><p>After the panic and anger past, Olivia suddenly got tired. Other than that, she was disappointed at herself.<p>

_C'mon, Benson, don't act like you never stared at wheelchair people before. Besides, you're not made of glass!_

She laughed herself, taking another deep breath.

Just at this moment, a voice startled her.

"Hey, ma'am. Can I borrow this chair?"

It was Jason's voice.

Horror ran through her entire body as she jerked away.

"Whoa! Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

Blinked hard, she saw a young man in his early twenties stepped back with a shocking face.

"I-I'm sorry." Her throat dried. "I'm…"

"So, can I?" He eyed the chair.

"Yeah, yes."

With a "thanks", the big boy took the chair and sat down with his friend.

Olivia unconsciously moved a little far away from them.

_He's dead. They're all dead. C'mon, why are you so frightened?_

Her brain replayed the moment she shot them. The gun, the bullet hole, the blood…

"Hey, do you feel that chick familiar?"

Her eyes widened as she heard the whisper coming from the two boys at the next table.

Then, the other one's eyes carefully peeped her, followed by a snicker.

"Shit, shit, shit… Can't believe it! Is that really... her? Man, she's… way more thinner than that video but…You know what? I hardened." "Oh, you little bastard. But my dick said the same." "Man…" he stole a glace over before leaned closer to his friend. "Last night Mandy and I tried the way that guy fucked her on the video." "So you tied her, too?" "God, I swear, that was the best fuck I ever had, dude." "Fuck. You slut…"

That was the last thing the young man said before an ice cold knife pressed hard on his neck.

"OLIVIA!"

Alex didn't even realize the plates dropping from her hands as she faced the things happened before her.

She couldn't believe her own eyes. The brunette was standing with her one shaky leg and holding a knife to an obviously frightened man.

"Olivia, don't! Liv, don't do it. What are you doing?" Slowly and carefully, the blond got closer and reached hand out. Now she got even more panic, seeing Olivia's face twisted in a strange expression and her eyes totally shut everything out.

"Go to hell! You, you bastard!" Words crawled out of her gritted teeth.

"Olivia, look at me, it's Alex." Sweat seeped from her hairline. "Olivia, Benson. Look at me."

This time, she finally made eyes contact.

"Liv, you need to put the knife down. You hear me?" Out of the corner of her eyes, she found the brunette's tremble was getting worse. _She's gonna fall in any second._

A wave of comprehension crossed her eyes. But it was just a second. "I'll kill you…" She turned back to her hostage. "Kill you, then kill myself..."

"Olivia, NO!"

There was no time left. Alex reached for the knife with her both hands.

But just before she managed, a huge power pulled her from behind and dragged her body down.

She hit on the hard ground on her back, though, it didn't hurt at all, because her sensations were all on Olivia, who was now on the ground, too, and got pinned by two policemen.

"No! Get off her! Get off her, please! She's unarmed now!..."

"Sir, are you alright?"

"What the fuck is her problem?! I'm gonna sue this crazy bitch!"

Olivia swore she gotta win the fight this time. She swore she would never let anyone dominate her, never, ever. So she kicked, punched, screamed, cursed, and bit.

But they were way too strong and powerful, and they cuffed her wrists in the end.

"Fuck off…" Olivia felt a tear dropped when all her strength ran out and the world went black.

* * *

><p>When they got out of the police station, it was nearly midnight already.<p>

Alex proposed to go to the hospital check out, but the brunette refused.

That was nothing new. But what really worried Alex, was Olivia's mental condition.

She looked wiped out, depressed.

And isolated.

Damn. It supposed to be a nice day…

After a silent drive, they came back to the house.

"Thank you, Alex… for everything." The brunette headed to the bathroom and stopped in the midway, whispered. "And... I'm sorry."

"You, want to talk about it? Like…what happened?" Alex asked gently.

"I… can I have a bath at first? I'm sorry, I-"

"Honey, don't be. I understand. Let's just... I help you with the shower."

"No. No, I want to... do in on my own, please..."

Alex frowned. Since the first shower she took, which ended up bad, the brunette never asked for showering alone again. Even with her company, she had always kept her eyes close during every bath.

_What do you want, Liv?_

She knew she hated to be alone, cold,

and she was not ready to see her body.

_So, could it be now?_

"Are you sure?" Alex asked, while her brain was so busy with going through all the sharp things in the bathroom._ Fuck. The razor._

"Yes. I just need a moment. I can?" She said. Her voice was calm.

"Of course." The blond kicked herself mentally. But somewhere of her heart, she couldn't say no.

* * *

><p>After the bathroom door closed, Olivia Benson sank heavily back into the wheelchair.<p>

_Am I losing my mind?_

The guilt, disappointment and exhaustion suffocated her.

She didn't dare to look at Alex's face just now, cuz she knew exactly what she did to the blond.

_Destroyed your own screwed life isn't enough, right? You're ruining hers?_

_You're going crazy, Benson. You really wanted to kill the boy. didn't you?_

After all the years of fighting against crimes, wondering what the hell the murderers were thinking when they took away lives, she suddenly not only understood them, but became one of them.

And even, she started to feel the pleasure from violence. Yes, she felt some odd, strange itch chewing her bones, instigating her to want to harm and kill.

For the bloody redness somehow took her rage and pain away.

…

In addition, she found herself secretly doubting that to live might be harder than to die.

_There were so many chances you could have died…What made you cheat on death over and over again, even…_

Her right hand reached out while her mind picturing her reflection on the mirror. But she froze just before her fingertips touching the glass.

It would be the first time she really saw her naked body after everything. She knew. And still, the thought sent chills down her spine like always.

_It is what it is. Why don't you take a look at the truth?_

Her fingers wiped slowly across the glass.

_Things can't be worse, for you're in the bottom of hell._

But the next second, she knew she was wrong.

The woman appeared in the mirror literally shocked her. That sickly, gaunt face with brow-bones and cheeks almost standing out, immediately reminded her some terminal cancer patient or even famine refugee… and then, her mother's face popped out.

It was the first time Olivia felt herself looked so much like her mom, from inside out, head to toe.

**_"Like mother like daughter."_**

The old curse which she had heard for countless times since her childhood, echoed. And it lit her angry.

More than that, in this weird moment she just wanted to see more and be cruel.

_Now or never._

Before she knew it, her hands had undressed herself and wiped her entire reflection out by the huddled gown.

Suddenly, everything got quiet.

The brunette sat perfectly still, eyes moving slowly down on that strange body, and wherever her eyes scanned on, the skin felt like being burnt by iron:

From the cigarette mark on her neck, the one-inch gunshot scar under her left breast, the healing surgical scar on her stomach… to her damaged legs. There was a long horrible scare on her left knee covered with centipede-like stitch marks, and down that, her wilting calf caused by long time bed-rest even made her shinbone seem a baseball bat…

Then, here came the right leg.

Specifically, it was nothing but an atrophied stump with a creepy suture line on the section, which reminded her some ragged doll fixed by needlework.

_-"As far as we could do, we kept 3 inches of the limb below the patella, for fitting the prosthesis better."_

The doctor's voice popped up out of nowhere followed by the word of "prosthesis" replaying in her mind again and again, louder and louder.

Olivia's hand didn't really make it back to her mouth, before she puked.

Supporting a hand on the mirror, she felt like she was about to vomit her guts out or something, but luckily, she managed to keep the noise as quiet as possible and finally dragged herself back from the edge of passing out.

_You'll be fine. C'mon, pull together. You'll be okay…Breathe… Breathe…_

_…Then what?_

Shutting her eyes, Olivia clenched her fist, wanted so much to smash the mirror.

* * *

><p>Alex Cabot let out a release breath after identified the sound of Olivia getting into the tube.<p>

She had a feeling that it could very likely be the time Olivia learned her new self.

Not "could be". She knew that she just did that.

And it hurt.

Though, what hurt the most was she couldn't help but focus so damn well on every tiny movement and sound coming from the other side of the door.

Just heard, but didn't try anything.

The ache even turned physical as figuring why the brunette struggled so hard for keeping herself quiet:

_She knows I'm listening._

_And she knows that I know she knows._

_…Why, Liv?_

_Why._

It felt like a slap in the face.

_Hell, don't think too much. She just needs space._

Again, Alex remembered Huang's words. "_Let her feel like you're treating her the way you always do._"

But, she got some bad feeling, as if she was waiting for the last straw.

_Don't go there. Don't. … She's strong. She's way too strong…_

She stood up, shaking the messy thoughts out of her head.

"Olivia?" She didn't even know why she called her. "Honey, uh...don't fall asleep, ok?"

No respond.

"Liv?" She knocked. "Olivia?!"

Her heartbeats quickened.

"I'm coming in!"

_God, no..._

This time, it really scared Alex when she stood face to face with Olivia, who was sitting in the water and holding the razor blade in hand.

"Sorry, Alex, I gotta do this." Her eyes were hollow, face was blank.

"You dare!" The epinephrine punched Alex and made her yell. "Drop it! DROP NOW!"

Their hands twisted together after the blond tried to grab the razor but failed.

"Alex, listen to me. Listen," Olivia gasped, almost begging. "It won't hurt. Just 3 minutes."

"Shut up and give it to me!" Alex blinked her tears down to clear her vision. "Let go! Let go! For God's sake!"

"You let go! C'mon, Alex," she was crying now, "Look at me. It's the only way I can manage this. So, PLEASE!"

Now, the blade had cut them both but no one gave up on the wrestle.

"Alex, don't you understand? I'm dead inside! I'm done! To me, world's had nothing left to live anymore!"

"You-"

BANG!

She slapped her hard.

The brunette froze, feeling the burning pain on her face.

"How could you say that, Olivia? The world's had nothing left…?" The counselor whispered with trembling lips. "What... about... me?"

**TBC**

* * *

><p><strong>God, i have to stop now for my eyes are watering up.<strong>

**Yeah, yeah i know maybe i was just being a drama queen in my childish story but, really, i swear i've been writing it with my entire heart. **

**Ok, what do you think of this chapter?**

**Let me know. **

**Thanks again for every review you guys gave to me. I literally read each of them more than once. i love your suggestions and the feeling you shared with me. **

**I really appreciate!**


	29. Chapter 29

**Ok, i have to say, things are heading to AO now. (bite me, EOers!) But calm down everyone, twists are on the way.**

**Don't get me wrong. i'm not just enjoy teasing EO & AO fans and toying story lines here, but i really want things to be more real. You know, in real life, gay relationships are never easy, especially when Liv's in this condition. **

**Anyway, let's get start. This chapter, you'll see some AO sweetness and their first kiss! :) Enjoy! **

**EO fans, don't like don't read, for this chap. Sorry~~~~**

* * *

><p>CHAPTER 29<p>

_Coffee_?

The smell brought her to the morning. Sleepily, Olivia opened her eyes.

She turned to the night clock, and took a while to see things clearly.

_11:30… p.m.?_

_…Of course it's daytime._

The antidepressant knocked her into such a dreamless dead sleep last night, and still made her tired and thirsty now.

"Morning, dear."

Rubbed her fuzzy eyes, she met the smiling counselor. "Hey." That was when she saw the cut wounds on Alex's hand.

"Lady Cappuccino's here." She said, quickly setting the cup down and hiding her hands down.

The brunette shifted her weight to her right elbow, carefully rolling to sit up. "Doctor said no caffeine."

"Since when you listen to the doctor?" Alex sat down on the bedside. "It's decaf, and I only poured half of the normal cup. Besides," she took a peep on the brunette's injured palm caused by last night's episode, "you look dying for this."

Eyes sticking on that cup, Olivia felt her tongue even tasted it already. "…God, yes."

Alex smiled to see the brunette took a small sip, then her lips never left the cup edge. "Slow down, honey."

Olivia finished in gasps. "God…I miss this…" She met those blue eyes. "Thank you... Alex."

Alex smiled. "I'm glad, that you like it."_ If the tasteless coffee could bring so much life back in her eyes..._

The two women stared at each other for a sensitive moment.

Until the brown eyes slid across the bandage on Alex's hand. "I'm sorry, Alex... for everything." She whispered, bowing her head.

"It's nothing." Her hand suddenly needed somewhere to hide. "I'm just worried about you."

"I'm…" She played with the empty cup in her hands slowly.

_She didn't even say "fine"._

"Honey, I really hope you can talk to me." _About what happened in that café and…_ Alex hesitated, "I mean, if you're ready…"

"Alex..." The brunette reached to her wheelchair by the bed, "After everything you've done for me, I know that I owe you an explanation…"

"You don't owe me anything." Her tone hardened as she holding the wheelchair handles steady. "Honey, just because I help you in some ways, doesn't mean that I'm gonna make you to pay for that."

"No, it's not what I mean. I just… I feel…" _guilty_.

Alex sighed. She hated to add more pressure and frustration here. "Okay, I know … C'mon, let's go to bathroom first."

"I got it. Thanks."

Feeling the gentle pushing, Alex withdrew her hands fast. She held her breath, watching Olivia slowly managed into the wheelchair and rolled away without a word.

Just before the bathroom door closed, "Liv," she cleared her throat, "breakfast- or lunch, is almost ready, so…"

Turned. Olivia's chest tightened to meet those anxious eyes. "I know. Don't worry."

Alex nodded silently behind her, with arms akimbo. But still, she couldn't help but feel her brain running crazily reviewing last night.

…

_"Olivia, I need you to promise me that you'll NEVER, EVER, do it again."_

_"I…" She cried and shook her head._

_"Dammit, Olivia, look at me! Promise me!"_

…

That was how she got her words. And it couldn't be more pointless.

* * *

><p>Bacon chewed almost like sawdust in her mouth, as Alex Cabot was still soaked in the relief of seeing the brunette getting out of the God damn bathroom and coming to her side.<p>

Though, that was 5 minutes ago.

Now, sitting here face to face with Olivia, she found her eyes couldn't help but look up to see the quiet woman from time to time. She never imagined Olivia Benson could some day be so thin, vulnerable and pale… As if her skin got more paler, then the sunlight would even just run through her body.

She just couldn't get use to it.

It was way too unbelievable, because the woman in front of her had always been a protector, a lioness and a symbol of independence, although she was still the same beautiful…

_…as long as she sits here, breathing… with me._

_I could've lost her last night._

"When will you be back to work?"

It took Alex two seconds to comprehend. "Um, next week. But I'm gonna call Liz,"

"Alex, you can go." Immediately she knew her words hurt. "I mean, I'm getting much better now, and you can be with me for how long? You got your own life."

The blond sighed, set down her fork. "You're right. There's no way I'll be doing this 24/7. But Liv, do you really believe that you're ok now?"

Her eyes met hers, but just for a second. "What happened last night won't happen, again. I promised. So, please stop worrying about me."

"Honey, how come I could stop worrying?" With the soft whisper, the blond leaned forward and held Olivia's hand with her own, on the table. "You're suffering. I know. I saw it. And it tore my heart to see you like that. Can you imagine how painful it is for me?" She squeezed back as feeling the brunette's squeeze on her hand.

"I'm sorry for what I did yesterday…" She dropped her gazing.

Alex frowned. "Honey, I'm not asking for your apology here."

"I know, but please, I have to apologize to you. Despite the last thing on earth I wanna do is to hurt you… I still did, over and over again."

"Olivia, look at me." She paused, until meeting those guilty eyes. "I want you to stop blaming yourself. None of these is your fault. What I really need now, is your opening up to me. Please, honey, talk to me."

"I don't know where to start."

"How about... What exactly happened in that café yesterday?" She felt on thin ice as sensing the hope rising.

The brunette thought for a second. "I don't really... I mean, I thought I knew it at that time, but then…" her voice was barely audible. "I'm losing it, Alex. I, I might be going crazy."

"What? no, no."

She shook her head, too. "You don't know. Yesterday, the kids… I think, I thought they recognized me."

_What_?

"The video. They watched it… And the way they talked about me… they talked like I was some porn star."

_That's why she got so angry and why she didn't say a word in the police station._ "God, Liv, I'm sorry… But it wasn't your fault. No one could stay in calm in that circumstance. If I were you…"

She cut her off. "I, I almost killed that kid, Alex. So close... this close."

"But you didn't."

"I could have!" she drew her hand back suddenly, looked away. "I felt, the urge… the pleasure of kill."

It stunned Alex.

"In that moment, the only thing in my head, was to kill. I, I-"

"Liv, it's part of the PTSD. It happens. You overreacted."

"No. Alex, you just don't know…" the brunette swallowed, forcing her tears back. "I saw illusions. That kid… the first look I took on him, I saw Jason's face."

Alex's heart sank. "You were having flashbacks, Liv."

"Doesn't matter... I just got angry, so angry. I've never been like that before, you know me, right?" Her eyes danced back and forth between the blue ones.

Alex opened her mouth to say something, but it was too late.

"Yeah..." The brunette let out a sad smile. "Me neither... A cop turned out a killer. Quite a change, huh?"

"You're angry."

"Yes, I am." She answered hastily. "About everything. Such like realizing that I never really know my true color at all, and you guys might have been lying to me 'bout the criminal genes, 'cause obviously I got pretty much of those shit in my blood. That's why even being a cop for all my life still couldn't wash the harm urge out of my fucking veins!" Her body trembled as much as her voice. "Such like knowing that the two motherfuckers who ruined my body, my life, my everything, are still alive, living with me, inside me, even after I blew their damn heads off! Fuck... What else can I do? I prayed, I cursed, I even tried once to hear God's guidance when, but nothing came back. Everything's always the same." She ignored tears rushing down her face, angrily pushed herself off the table. "What else God still wants from me?! Why I feel there's no closure at all?"

Alex was already by her side and crouched down. Quietly, she wrapped both arms around the brunette for supporting.

It was the unbosoming she'd been longing for. Though, it still felt way more painful than her expectation.

"Here," she passed the tissue box over, as the brunette finally pushed away.

"Sorry for ruining your shirt." Olivia sounded tired.

"Thanks for opening up to me." Alex brushed the brunette's chin with the back of her hand, before getting to her feet. "Wanna some air? We can go to the backyard if you like."

"Ok." Olivia took another deep breath, feeling herself might need some wind to dry her sore eyes.

As they getting out of the door and the cold air suddenly hitting, Alex shivered slightly, which immediately making her bend and tightened the shawl around Olivia's shoulders. "It's getting colder today. Let me get a blanket."

"No," she turned, grabbed Alex's hand. "I'm ok, really."

"Okay." She clasped their hands, and squeezed.

After that, silence sank between them as they kept holding hands but lost in their own thoughts.

"I thought I might understand half of your feelings," finally, the counselor talked, "but now I feel like I barely know any of that. Actually, no one does, which stunned me that how strong you really are and how hard life could possibly be. You know what? Last night, I was so hurt, even pissed, about what you attempted to do. But now I just felt...selfish for feeling that way. You were right. I just don't get it. Guess that's why we really need to talk more. Because I will always be in the dark, always be such a fool if you keep carrying everything on your own shoulder. It's too much weight, honey. I know you've been independent and strong for all your life, but you're still a human. Things like these could crash you."

"I'm sorry. It's just felt...pointless. I mean, talk or not, I still have to walk on the road."

"But you don't have to be alone. That's what...friends do." Somehow, the word "friends" stung. So she continued quickly. "I really wanna be with you every step of the road, Liv, 'cause you're...important to me."

"Alex..."

She came to her front and crouched down. "Liv, listen. Life changes. So, when it is time, it's the time." She waited until meeting her eyes. "Maybe, being a cop is not the only way to gain the meaning of your life. You can find another way." She paused, letting her words to sink in, but continued before Olivia breaking eye contact. "And to do that, you have to get recovered first, both physically and mentally, which means, you may need some professional help as the first step."

But tears reappeared in those brown eyes. "I did think about these, but..." she shook head, looking away. "I don't have that much money, Alex. The therapy, medicine, food and rent... And please, I don't want anybody's money. I mean, I appreciate, but-"

"I know, I know." She didn't need her to explain. She knew her too well to even start the humiliation. Though, her heart ached to see the awkwardness and frustration choking the proud woman. "So, how about...you move to my place? It's more close to the hospital and the elevator never breaks down. More than that, I have an uncle working in a publish company. He always has some French, Spanish books need to be translated. So, maybe you can do some part-time jobs for him. Yeah, I know the paycheck's not so good..."

"Alex, wait," she held her hand and cut her off, "you have your own life to live. I can't do this to you."

"Honey, you are part of my life." Her eyes looked deeply into hers. "And it's just temporary. I assure you. After some days, you'll find your new life and get restart. For now, just let me be your crutch, your shelter or whatever I could be to help you through this hardest time."

Olivia bowed her head. She couldn't take it anymore. The sincereness, concern, and even selfless sacrifice, were chewing the softest part of her heart. "God, Alex..." Her vision blurred. "What did I do to deserve someone like you?"

"Nothing. You just showed me how strong and beautiful a woman could be."

"Oh, no," she closed eyes as a hot tear ran down. "What you're talking ab-" but her words died as she surprisingly felt Alex's tender lips on hers.

Their eyes locked as they leaned back.

Things happened so fast that the warmth, softness and tear taste was still on Olivia's lips. In shock, she searched the blond's eyes while the whole world froze. _What...? Is that what it...feels like?_ She waited for her laughing it off or maybe joking...

Though, nothing like that came.

"I-" the blond swallowed down a cough, for her throat was too dry...so dry... "I'm sorry if I scared you, but I'm not sorry for kissing you. Olivia, I may fall in love with you." _You really said that out loud? God, what the hell you want her to say..._ "Y-You don't need to say anything. Don't say... I just...cuz I'm not asking anything back from you. I just-" Her heart felt like it'd stop beating at any second. And suddenly she felt stupid, so hopelessly stupid and naive. Even 13 years old wouldn't have picked time like this. _You think her stress's not high enough, huh?_ "...Gosh. Let's just pretend nothing happened." She stood up to escape, but her wrist got caught before she walked.

"Alex..."

The blond didn't dare to turn or move, feeling Olivia's fingers to burn through her skin.

"It's..."

She could tell that how carefully the brunette was choosing her words to avoid harm. Though, the seconds' waiting felt like years.

"It's kinda sudden. I, I just need...time..."

"Are you, um, s-still gonna move in with me?" She heard her voice hoarse like a frightened kid.

"Yes, I will."

That was it.

The rest of her words, Alex didn't comprehend any of them. She just felt her heart restarted to beat again, as a sweetness crossing her chest.

(TBC)

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><p><strong>Please review!<strong>

**Every word from you guys had always been inspiriting me!**

**Please... **


	30. Chapter 30

**Thanks for my dearest readers, and thank you for every review you gave me. **

**Recently i've been ridiculous busy but still, i'm trying my best to find time to write. God, i just love the show, love Olivia too much~~**

**Well, this Chapter will be a little bit long, but ****with good drama :) Hope you like it !**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 30<strong>

**_-On the way of driving back to NYC-_**

"Cold?" With one hand on the wheel, Alex turned on the heat before reached the brunette's hand. "God, you're freezing."

"I'm fine." Olivia gathered the blanket around her shoulders. "Feels like gonna rain."

"Actually, could be snow, according to the forecast."

"Snow...?" She murmured with a shiver.

By the corner of her eye, Alex caught the brunette wrapping herself tighter. She didn't dare to think exactly what the brunette had been through in that snow field. "You like Oscar?" She changed the topic.

"Oscar?"

"The dog."

"Oh, Yes! Yeah...He's such a sweet dog. I love him…You make me miss him, Alex."

Sensing the sadness in her voice, Alex's heart shrank. Her mind jumped back to several days ago, when Olivia's teary brown eyes stared straightly back on her, whispering, _"...my baby died, right?" …_

"So, how about we have a dog? You like that?" The blond turned, cheered up by the dancing sparkles in Olivia's eyes.

Though, those sparkles were just for a second.

"C'mon..." Olivia looked away. "You barely got time for me."

"Maybe a tiny dog, like, um, Chihuahua? You know, small dogs are much easier. You can just let it pee in the bathroom."

"Alex, I already got you enough trouble to deal with. In addition, I'm not really a fan of dogs."

"You don't like dogs?".

Olivia shook her head. "No... Have I told you before? Elliot gave me a cactus, said it might be the only thing could possibly survive in my hand. Though it turned out died one month later."

"Cause of death?"

"Well, dehydration. I think?"

"Um, interesting..." Alex couldn't help but smile. "Seriously, Liv, I really don't want you to be alone when I'm working."

_Alone... I've been alone all my life._ "I'll keep myself busy. Don't worry."

_Busy of what?_ "I can...get someone, if you feel like seeing people. You know, the boys are missing you." She carefully glanced over, finding the brunette turned away.

"Is there anyone you, um, wanna see?" Alex gave it another try.

There were times Olivia cracked her hesitated lips but nothing came out. But finally, "How's...Elliot? Have you heard from him?"

Alex saw her hands gripping tighter the wheel. Yes, she kinda expected and hoped her asking about him, because that was what the normal Olivia always did and "normal Liv" was what she wanted the most. Even though, it still brought sour into her heart. "He called many times. He's fine. You wanna see him? If-"

"No, no I don't..." She cut her off, unconsciously tucking her now inexistent long hair behind her ear. "I just wanna be alone, or with you... Can I take a nap?"

"Yeah, of course, honey. Just...rest."

Seemed it got the two women some secret relief. Alex was even unsure of what to feel. To Olivia, mentioning the father of her dead baby obviously was definitely a permanent pain in her heart, let alone all the complications had messed up the relationship between she and Elliot. However, the blond was still hoping that someday Olivia could smooth these roughnesses of her life. Because there was no doubt that how big and important part Elliot Stabler had always been playing in the brunette's world.

_This guy was special to her. So painfully special._

_Shit_.

As their journey went completely quiet, Alex's mind also quietly slipped back to that confession she'd made to Olivia the day before.

She remembered how cravenly panic herself got while the long seconds waiting for her whatever reaction. To be honest, it still caused her heart pounding at the moment reliving everything.

The blond wasn't afraid of being turned down, but...

She took another look at the sleeping brunette on her side.

_Cabot, do you literally dare to love her as much as you feel you can?_

_What if you're not that tough to keep giving? You think you don't need any return from her, what if you actually do?_

_You know that after so much she's been through she got every right to remain distant, isolated, depressed...But you'll never know for how long? One year, 3 years, 10?_

_Or, someday when she finally gives heart to you, you will be just too tired, too old to take?_

_Just...Don't you dare to hurt her!_

_Never, ever, hurt her..._

_..._

_( "Take me! T-Take me...please...I'll do whatever y-you ask me to, just, leave her alone!" )_

The counselor blinked with a stab pain in her heart. She could always hear that begging echoing in her mind.

_She did it...for me..._

...

As her tears gathering back, a chilly thought knocked in:

_Is it exactly love or guilt-pity?_

"C-Cold..."

Suddenly, a soft moaning drew Alex's attentions back.

"can't feel..."

That was when she noticed the snow falling. "Liv? Olivia?..." The brunette was obviously having a nightmare again. Alex carefully and gently reached that shaking hand. "Wake up, honey. Open your eyes." Bad feelings grew fast while seeing Olivia's struggle and tremble getting worse.

"Okay, okay, Olivia." Pulling over, she took a good look at the brunette. Sweat streamed down the her cold forehead while her eyeballs rolling quickly back and forth behind eyelids and her hands gripped death tightly on that blanket. "Liv, it's me, Alex. You're just dreaming. It's over now, you're safe. Open your eyes, honey."

"No! No...Please...Don't..."

"Liv, you're dreaming!" Her mind flew fast thinking about where the hell she put the inhaler. "Olivia, open your eyes, c'mon, breath slowly!"

"El...Elliot...Sorry...El..."

Alex froze.

_What? Apologize to him?_

When the brunette finally awake, she threw herself into Alex's arms right away.

"Ssssh, it's over now, sweetie. Just a dream. You're back now. Breath deeply and slowly. In and out, breath... try not to cough." Ignoring Olivia's fingernails digging into her flesh, Alex rubbed the brunette's back gently. "You're safe, baby. We're on our way home, remember?"

"I-I'm cold, so cold..."

Alex took off her own coat and wrapped it around the shaky brunette, pulling her deeper into her embrace. "I know. I know. I'm holding you, honey. Wanna talk? What was the dream about?"

As the warmth bit by bit sinking in, Olivia slowly pulled herself together. But no, no, she won't tell her. She couldn't. As long as things had something to do with Elliot, she wanted keeping away from the blond. "Just... some old stuff... I don't really remember."

_Really_? "Okay," Alex let out a sigh. "Want some water?"

She shook head. "No, I just... wanna go home. I hate snow."

"Yeah, so do I. Let's go." Alex leaned back, cupped Olivia's pale face in her hands, wiping the tear-stains off her cheeks. "But sweetheart, you really need to see a therapist. Your mental condition is... getting worse."

"I'm not. It's just-" Olivia looked down, suddenly irritated. "I can sleep well on the medicine."

"You..." she read her eyes.

"I know we've had this conversation but," she licked on her lips. "I really need it. Can I-"

Disappoint and hurt hit the blond. "Liv, you already had it just after breakfast. There's no way you're gonna take it before your every sleep!"

"Why not?" Olivia shot her glare over, though, deep inside she was yelling at herself not to yell. "It helps. At least for now, I need this shit, Alex." She bent forward, gripping her leg.

"What's wrong? Hurt again?"

Another deep breath. "No, it's just...the weather I think, making me sore. Fine. Can we just...get out of here?"

Alex wanted to say something, but didn't. It was more than obvious that the brunette had been dragging herself away from her, more than obvious that things between them had been turning sensitive and embarrassing...since that stupid confession she rushed.

Exhaustion soaked her.

The counselor got perplexed, helpless about it, as if all of a sudden she was a 13-year-old naive girl, as if the only thing she could do was to just watch things slipping out of her control.

Her cellphone beeped a new text.

Alex frowned, reading Elliot's message:

_-Storm's coming. I be waiting f u at liv's. Call me when u arrv.-_

"Liz or El?"

"..." Setting down her phone, Alex rolled her eyes. "That obvious, huh? Stabler said...the snow's gonna be worse."

Olivia didn't need to see Alex's face to know she wasn't telling the whole thing. "He's picking us up, right?"

"...Fine, he's waiting in your apartment. Liv, I'm sorry for telling him our schedule. He was just kept calling, asking about everything..."

"I know, I know what he's like." She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, feeling her blood pressure raising. _I can't. I can't...cuz I don't feel like seeing him. Not now. Don't want him see me...like this...or anymore, even...cuz I just don't know how to talk, what to say, or..._ "Did you... Have you told him about...that..."She grabbed on her right hand with the other, while seeing both of them were trembling slightly.

"No, Liv, no." She knew she was talking about things happened that afternoon and the night.

"Thanks, Alex, please don't...I'm not...I don't-"

"Liv, I won't do that. You don't really need to ask." With that, she felt Olivia's cold hand holding her wrist, gratefully. "I just accepted his helping hand. If it weren't such a bad weather today...You know. But now I think it's better for both of us to take a little rest at your place first. At least to get you warmed up." She glanced over, carefully let her words out. "I mean, if you're ok with seeing him."

The brunette didn't make eye contact.

"Okay, then, I'll ask him to go."

"No, no," Olivia covered her hand on Alex's phone before she touched it, "I-I'll be fine with this, I guess." She shot a smile to the blond. "You know, what if that elevator's out, again? Maybe I can make it up there... I'll try...but, still, it's gonna exhaust you. So..."

Alex held her breath. _She's still thinking about me._

"With or without his help, or the elevator, I can get you home, Olivia, let alone I've been getting better and better at helping you, anyway." She suddenly felt a little annoyed for some reason. "At least once, could you please put your own feelings first, Liv? Because I really don't want anything, anyone, to make you uncomfortable." _But what if I'm the one she's getting tired of?_ She recalled the way Olivia moaning his name an hour ago. "I'll give you some privacy if you need time with...your partner."

"No, I don't." Olivia shook her head almost immediately, staring at the blond. _She's mad...Yeah, she deserves a break, without me._ "I...I guess, part of me...want to see him." It wasn't a complete lie. She felt it as soon as she said it out. Though, her voice was barely a whisper.

"See? I knew it." She felt her smile was sour.

"But you won't be far, will ya?"

She ignored her staring on her side cheek. "No," _Wish I could_. "...I won't."

* * *

><p>When their long miserable journey finally hit the end, Alex found herself was sincerely grateful to see a familiar figure fading in through the blinding snow.<p>

"You lost your way or damn mind, Alex? It's been almost an hour and you told me '10 minutes' before your fucking phone died on me!" Knocking open the car window, Elliot Stabler didn't waste a second to snap.

"It's the signal and traffic jam. Don't yell at her, Elliot."

With that, he made eye contact with Olivia, who looked obviously not good. "God, Liv, what- Are you ok?"

Olivia simply nodded, as if too tired to make another yell in the shouting wind, getting herself heard. But the next second she met Elliot's concern face as he opened the door on her side.

"What's wrong? Are you in pain?!"

She leaned away when he attempting to touch her forehead. "I'm fine, just..." Her voice faded away in the strong wind.

"Elliot!"

He looked over the brunette's shoulder, seeing Alex mouthed, "_don't_".

Hand awkwardly freezing in the air, "C'mon, lets get you home!"

As herself was gathered in his arms, Olivia felt her heart pounding. Her instinct was to push away, but she managed staying still, telling herself not to add them any trouble.

Alex stood still in the wind, watching him lifting Olivia up. She felt the uncomfortableness instantly, though she knew they'd better get the sick woman out of the snow ASAP.

Finally, they were in the apartment as well as all the baggages.

"I'm pretty sure she's running a fever." Elliot set the kettle on stove, letting out a heavy breath. "What the hell happened? I thought she'd be getting better instead of...like this."

Alex took a glance at Olivia who was lying in her own bed now, lowered her voice. "She's so traumatized. And the damn weather kinda reminded her the horrible experiences in the snowfield. You know."

"It's just the weather? Nothing else? She's been losing her damn weight, for God's sake. Felt I was carrying a 10-year-old. Alex, I trusted you, thought you'd take good care of her. But now I'm wondering what the hell you feed her everyday."

Alex held that typical Stabler-accusing eyes. "Don't you dare to think you're the only one cares about her here. It also broke my heart to see her suffering!"

"You care? Then you really got a funny way to show it by taking her hundred miles away from the city and then choosing a shit day back!"

"That was MY idea!"

The two of them shooting their eyes to the bedroom, seeing the gasping Olivia elbowed herself sitting up.

"Liv,"

He rushed over, while the blond stopped her steps behind. "Don't get up."

Holding a thermometer in hand, Alex saw the brunette leaned back with her partner standing beside and tucking her in.

"Could you… stop being such an ass to her?" Olivia frowned.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to." He rubbed his face. "...still hurts? Any better?"

The brunette turned away from him.

"Liv, I'm sorry. Lately I've been having a hard time. Just… anything I can do? Painkillers?"

"Nah. Won't...work." She opened her eyes, taking a good look at him, and the first thing she noticed was he hadn't shaved in a while. "El...What happened? The kids are fine? You ok?"

He rose to his feet, and turned his back to her. "Well," he could just shrug a lie, but no, under her gazing he got nowhere to hide. "I-" out of nowhere, the big man choked with a sudden lump in his throat. He finally got his voice stabled. "Kathy miscarried, and the baby's...gone."

Silent bomb dropped.

Covering her mouth with her hand, Alex froze, watched the two partners hugged each other for a long, long time.

* * *

><p>After taking some Aspirin, Olivia soaked in sweat pretty soon while felt much better as well. Yes, the previews cold, pain, emotion…had wiped her out while she still feeling tears drying on her face. By now, she was so running out of energy that even felt tired to breathe.<p>

What a perfect moment to die.

Though, she treasured the moment.

The moment of peace.

The peace in his arms.

It felt both strange and familiar at the same time, to completely sink her weight into those strong arms, to lean her cheek against his chest, into his scents, to hear the rhythm of his heartbeats…and it even surprised her more to do all these without any uncomfortableness or embarrassment, as if time had been turned back to when they were simply being each other's company while she got hurt on the line of duty.

Though, "as if" was just "as if".

Somewhere inside the brunette was always stubbornly awake. Like now, she was actually clear about what they truly were.

They were two broken people who both lost part of their souls, so they got together, licking each other's wounds.

That was it.

However, it didn't taste bitter, but relieved.

She felt the thorn, which had been prickling their relationship painfully hard, now got softened, well, it might also be stabbing deeper actually, in a sense.

"Liv?"

"Mmm?"

"You feel like lie down?"

She opened eyes, realizing they had been staying in this position long enough to get him tired. "Oh, sorry...I-"

"No, no, I'm just wondering if you're comfortable."

"I'm great. El." She met his bloodshot eyes. "You tired?"

The way she whispered his name, "El", melted his heart. "I'd like to hold you as long as you like."

She raised an eyebrow, now showing a hint of the pinch on her heart. "Well, let's see who needs to pee first." She looked down, escaping from the tender gazing.

"I miss you." He held her closer, muttered under breath.

_I miss you, too._ Though, the moment passed in silence. Her mind was asking if he missed her or the feelings of being with a partner. And she wondered the same thing too.

"Things are never the same without you. I walk in the precinct, sit in my spot with your empty chair staring back at me…feel so…lost."

She pictured the scene in sorrow. "You've gotta get use to it, El, the work, life…without…me."

"I just don't know how…"

It sounded more like a silent sob than a seeking reply, breaking her heart.

"You still hate me, Liv?" With that, he found Olivia tensed her body, which immediately made him feel like an ass for saying this. "I mean that you have every right to."

_I hate…when you're not being you, Elliot._

Slowly, she looked up at him.

He read her face for a second. "I'm talking about-"

"Please, El…" Her body shifted slightly. "I just want this moment to be quiet." She let her sore eyes closed. "How's the weather now?"

Elliot swallowed. "Must be better. I can hear kids are snow-fighting outside."

"When you'll head back?"

The tiny tremble in her voice, cracked his heart. "Later…"

"Go. You need to be with Kathy." She gently pushed away.

_Yeah_…"You…feel better?"

"I'm fine now. Just tired." She smiled, bowing her head.

"Look at me, Liv. I wanna take a good look at you."

She flushed instantly as their eyes locked briefly. "Don't. I…look like hell."

"I still saw the stubborn, badass Benson, my partner."

That made her eyes watered.

"Be honest with me, Olivia, how're you doing recently? We used to talk about everything, remember?"

With that, old memory pieces start to fly everywhere in her mind, which almost brought down her tears.

"You're not ok, aren't you?"

She wiped off the first teardrop quickly, biting hard on her trembling lower lip.

That was when he noticed those fresh cut wounds on her hand.

"How did you get these cuts?"

In panic, she felt her hand get nowhere to hide. "It's, nothing…I fell. I- I've been practicing standing, walking. So," Bull. Even a rookie knows the typical blade cut.

His heart stopped, as he recording seeing the same wounds on Alex's hand.

"Let me see."

"No, it's just-" and her wrist was already in his grip.

"Liv? Oh…" Looking back and forth between her streaming tears and her wounded hand, Elliot widened eyes. "God, Liv…"

Then she was back in his tight embrace, crying. When his tremble kisses landing her head, neither of them said anything.

* * *

><p>It was ambivalent for Alex Cabot.<p>

She understood that the baby thing did bring Olivia and Elliot a resonate pain and rebounded their collapsing relationship with some new, unique connection. A connection that no one in the world could ever have, included she herself. She also knew that there was some pain, some sorrow in Olivia's heart, which not only she couldn't, but nobody could help her to take away, except him.

Though, truth be told, it still hurt.

Yes, this time Alex could clearly recognize that the sour chewing her heart was nothing but jealousy. It grew fast while she watched them, sort of against her will, but she just couldn't help but force her eyes to catch every tiny skin contact of those two people...

That was why she decided to leave the house.

Because the more things going on well between those two partners, the more Alex Cabot felt herself like an outsider.

She recorded when they were in the car previews. How the brunette calling his name in her dream.

_"El..."_

She couldn't stay here anymore.

Leaving a note on the coffee table, Alex decided to get out and buy some food for their dinner.

And when she came back with a bag of food holding in arms, the door opened for her before she digging out the keys.

Elliot's unhappy face appeared in front of her.

She narrowed her eyes. "You wanna let me in?"

Not so gently, Elliot took the bag over and walked to the counter.

Closing the door, Alex came straightly to the bedroom door and took a peek inside. _Okay, he didn't forget to leave a dim light with her._

"How's she?" She turned to him.

"No fever, no pain, asleep. And I'll ask you the same thing: how, is, she? And don't give me the shit."

Holding her raising blood-pressure, Alex quietly pulled the bedroom door close. "Voice down. If you want to talk."

Elliot turned and stepped away. "Yeah."

"What you two talked about?" The blond asked simply, taking everything out of the paper bag and starting to work on the meal.

"Is it the first time she did this?"

"What?"

No answer came back, so she looked over, finding his eyes staring at her hand.

_Great_. Alarm rang in her brain. "What did she tell you?" She tested him.

"Alex," Elliot gritted his teeth. "I know it must be her request for not to tell. I can understand and don't blame you. But right now, I just want you to tell me her real condition, both in physical and mental, cuz I'm worried to fucking death! Look at me, dammit!"

She did. And it softened her heart to see those eyes bloodshot but crystal, waving anxiety and sincerity. "She's..." Alex dropped eyes quickly, "...depressing. Though, she's been willing to work out, to eat and rest, but just, not on the right way yet."

"What do you mean?"

"Vicious circle. No appetite, no strength, tired and sleeps bad, and then, no appetite, depressing..." She bit her tongue, unsure if telling him about the drug.

Elliot frowned, rubbing his several days unshaved chin. "When is her next reexamine? She's gotta get some professional help."

"Yeah, but problem is how." She sighed.

"No," he shook his head. "she likes or not, she's gotta go, before something horrible happens again. Damn, she's still so stubborn."

"Elliot, she didn't really reject, this time. It's her financial issue she's worried the most."

He stilled, feeling so stupid for not thinking about this after being her partner over 11 years. He knew exactly how much a cop could make, and after running a quick calculation of all the hospital bills, therapy, medication, rent, food... All of these, he found, were definitely drying her account, even subtracting the insurance..._So, what's now?_ He can imagine her face if people just give money to her...

The two of them went silent, which making the boiling beef-soup sound loud.

"Actually, the guys of 16 precinct were raising a fund for her." Feeling Alex's surprise staring on his face, Elliot took a quick glance at the bedroom way, lowered his voice. "The problem is how to persuade her to accept. You know..."

Alex blinked, suddenly felt her eyes wet. "Wow, that's...really great. You guys are amazing... but how come you keep this from me? I'm definitely in."

"Okay, I'll send you the account number, or you can call Cragen. He's in charge."

"Good...Thanks. Though, I don't know how she's gonna react about this." She bowed her head, continuing on cut toast.

"Yeah... How about I give it a shot?"

"You wanna talk to her?"

"You'll back to work, right? So, I want to take care of her."

"What? Kathy's still in hospital. You crazy?"

"She'll be released in a couple of days, and got Maureen with her."

"Elliot," the blond stared at him in disbelief, "you're telling me that you'll leave your wife alone right after she lost her baby?"

"I'm talking about the next step of my life. I'm gonna make the divorce done and to be with Olivia." He forced himself to hold the counselor's glaring. "In the rest of my life, I'll be spitting on my soul every single night, if I just walk away from Liv. I love her."

"Ah-" Her finger stung when the blade slid across, which oddly felt more like her heart got stabbed. "Bet you said the same thing when you knocked up the 18-year-old Kathy." She said through clenching teeth.

"Hey! I screwed my marriage. I take the curse! But it doesn't mean I'm a liar!"

"Right. You don't lie. You're just TOO damn unstable, Stabler."

"Alex, I've been with her almost everyday for over 11 fucking years, which I think it's long enough to-"

"Just like it takes you 20 something years to realize that you actually want to divorce Kathy?!"

"Shut up! Alex!" He fisted, trying the best not to yell. "I love her. I want to spend the rest of my life taking care of her. Is this a crime? What's your problem?!"

"You wanna know my problem? My problem is that I LOVE HER, TOO!"

With that, the entire apartment froze in dead silent.

Elliot observed the blond's face and eyes inch by inch, comprehending slowly as the room still echoing.

"Yes, you heard it right." Alex took a breath and calmed herself a little, unsure whether Olivia was awake by now. "It is exactly what you're thinking."

Elliot swallowed drily. "Oh...This is..." a small chuckle went out, "...well, now, so many things are making sense..." his head was still shaking in disbelief and shock, though, from her eyes, he could tell that she was serious. "So, does she know about this? How-... God, she's not gay, you know that. I'm sorry, shit... And really? Alex...?"

"Maybe you don't know her so well as you think." A light joy raised in her heart as watching that smirk died on his lips.

Though he laughed his awkward off. "So you know her, you love her, you're gonna live with her and protect her like a man supposed to do. Oh, except when some scumbag harasses her, you could just spit and cry some of his conscience out?! Last time in the damn hospital basement and this time in that cafe, if it was me instead of you who were there for her, then none of these could possibly happen at all!"

Gasping through her now teary eyes, the blond went totally speechless. It hurt like hell but she couldn't retort.

"She's struggling in hell now, Alex, how could you just bringing more stress and drama to her? Gay relationship...You kidding me? I've seen too much of this in my life. Do you know how hard it really is? Yes, maybe the world is always like a giant playground for you to enjoy, where you got fancy parents, pretty face, perfect childhood, adduction... Generally you're able to get whatever you want, but that woman, she's not so lucky! How much can you give her? How disturbed is this gonna get her? Have any of these ever crossed your mind?!"

Hearing Olivia's light cough coming out of her room, Alex finally felt her face wetted with streaming tears.

"You go. I'm leaving." Elliot sighed and opened the front door. "Take care of her, Alex."

She didn't say a word, watching him walked out.

"_Alex_?" The brunette called.

"Coming." She quickly wiped her face, forced a smile.

* * *

><p><strong>(TBC)<strong>

**Please, write something to me, anything, i mean, I'm really dying for your thoughts and feelings! **

**Thanks everyone! **


	31. Chapter 31

**First of all, thanks all my loyal readers and your every review. I really am addicting to your feedbacks!**

**Thank you, again! :)**

**In this chapter, something important will happen. And i might have to say sorry to all the EOers, cuz i really think that this story is heading to AO way. You know, when you write a long story, the characters actually have their own thoughts and lives, and sometimes go against the author's plan. (It's true!)**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 31<strong>

_**Several days later**_

_**Alex's place**_

"Let me see your hands." Helping the sweaty Olivia to sit down on the couch, Elliot softened his tone, doing the best not to grab her hands, which he bet definitely had some new blisters due to her torture-like long time crutch exercising.

She was still catching her breath, acting like nowhere hurt. "Can I have some water?"

Elliot passed her the bottle. "I understand how bad you wanna get everything back, but why this hard? It's really unnecessary, Liv."

She had a long swallow, before put the bottle down with a sigh. "Just let me, El. I need this."

"You should slow down, Liv, especially without good sleep and eating."

"That's exactly why I have to work out. And I like the positive energy it gives me, by the way."

"You can't use this to hide away from all the problems." He said carefully. "Have you called Doctor Collins to make an appointment?"

Olivia groaned and leaned back. "Damn, El, you really can be such a pain in my ass... I told you I'll call her after I get that... thing."

She still couldn't say the word "artificial limb", which gave a pinch to Elliot's gut. "Liv, it's been two weeks since Huang..."

"I know. I know. He gave me a shrink for free and I'm ignoring him. Yes, I owe him, owe everyone. No need to remind me." She kicked off her shoe, lying down on the couch. And before he shot back, she closed eyes. "What time is it?"

"Almost 2. You want to shower?"

Her head shaking was barely noticeable. "Just a sec... How's your new job? Tell me something, anything. God... I feel... like in prison."

Elliot sighed deeply. He could feel her pain as if it was his own. "You're not in prison. Liv... I'm here, with you." He found her fingers.

The feeling of a man's palm felt so different from Alex's. "You must be tired. The graveyard and baby me in the day time."

He knew she was about to pass out as her last word faded. "Well, a little bit. But I feel worse when you're out of my view." He was actually grateful that she was too sleepy to see his flushing. Yeah, recently he had said many things he used to feel embarrassing, sassy, and even affected. His eyes moved along her body, stopped at the half empty pants-leg.

"El, could you stay until I fall asleep?" She whispered.

"Yeah, of course..." He almost called her _baby_. "I'm not going anywhere." For all these years, life felt kinda wasted before recently every moment he spent with this woman even not saying anything, doing anything.

Someone suddenly knocked on the door.

Elliot sighed as the brunette flinched.

"It's ok. Could be the plumber coming to check the sink." Olivia shifted slightly, knowing her sleep wouldn't come. "I, uh, go take a shower."

"Yeah, lemme handle this." It wasn't new. He knew how bad the brunette hated to see anyone beside him and Alex.

After came back from the bathroom, Elliot walked to the front door. "Coming!"

* * *

><p>"What took you so long?"<p>

The moment he opened the door, his heart stopped.

"What you're doing here?" Elliot felt his skin crept instantly.

The blond blinked hard. "Whoa, surprise! I thought it supposed to be Cabot to answer the door. What're you doing here? Working on a case with Cabot? "

"Kathy," he slammed a hand on the edge of the door, blocking her way. "I don't know what are you up to, but it's not the way things work out. Go home."

"Bad time?" She stole a peep inside. "I just come to thank my heroine. She saved my life." She eyed the flowers in her arms, before looking directly into his glaring.

"Dammit... She's not ready to see anyone. You hear me?! Now get the hell out of here."

"Anyone but you?"

"Listen, Kath, I know exactly what you want. But, for fuck's sake, it has nothing to do with anybody but you and me."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I just want to see Olivia. I care about her, too. Olivia! Olivia?! You are there?" She called out loud.

In the shower-room, Olivia froze.

_Is that... Kathy?_

Then, there came Elliot's harsh voice.

_Great_...

Put her clothes back on as quickly as she could, Olivia took a panic look at the mirror.

_Crap._

She never felt so scared and nervous about social contact.

Her eyes on that half empty pants-leg. Instantly, she just wanted to leave it hanging, as if it'd make her complete.

_It's just Kathy..._

Taking a deep breath, she grabbed over the crutches and opened the door, slowly moving her rusty body into living room.

Another deep breath. "Hey, Kathy."

The couple shut up and turned.

"Hi, Oliv-..."

Olivia held her breath with her hands unconsciously gripped tighter on those crutch-handles. The way Kathy Stabler dropped jaw, running shocking staring up and down her body, as if having problems with identifying, punched her heart.

"... You can walk now. That's... great. Someone must take good care of you." The blond shot her husband a small smile before continued. "Olivia, please forgive me. I really should've come to see you a long time ago, but you know... Anyway, I really want to say thanks to you, for saving my life. It could be me who stand here with crutches or even... worse... I'm so sorry for causing all these damages. If I weren't there that day..."

"Oh, no, don't say that, Kathy. I just did what my instinct told me to. Trust me, in that circumstance, every cop would do the same. And please, taking the joint liability is not fair to you. This," she bowed her head, taking a look at her lower body, "is not your, or anyone's fault but the bastard's. He was the one who caused the damage, not you, Kathy."

Elliot's heart shrank. _Oh, Olivia..._

"Yes, it is my fault, Olivia." The blond shook her head, taking a step forward. "It is me who hired the P.I. to dig Elliot's affair, which drove me so jealous and freak-out that I followed you to that club and ended up screwed up everything."

"Kathy, shut up." Elliot yanked her shoulder. "What the-" and he turned to the brunette, whose eyes widened, looking back and forth between him and the expressionless woman.

When Olivia cracked her lips, her voice was hoarse. "You were... investigating him... Why?"

"I'm sorry, Olivia, I have to, cuz my heart is just not big enough to take the truth that my husband's been sleeping with-"

"Kathy! Enough!"

Now, Elliot stood toe to toe with Kathy, yelling something, but Olivia just couldn't comprehend, for her entire mind was so busy with processing all these flooding informations and emotion.

_So... he knew, he must know that there is a certain reason of why his wife showed up in the mid of an undercover mission, bringing so many consequences... and he kept silent. He didn't say a word so he could protect her from obstruction of justice._

Ed Tucker's words echoed in her head again:

_-"You attracted his wife to that place and attempted to get her killed by the dirty gun. Brilliant move, detective, but I'm sorry you failed, and the last case of your career turned out the biggest stain in your life. Shame on you."_

Tears gathered. And Olivia's face burnt as if just being spat and slapped.

Somehow, she slowly gained her hearing and heard Elliot:

"... that's your purpose here, right? Why you so cruel, Kathy,"

"El..." Olivia found her own voice.

Elliot turned to her. "You stay out of this. It has nothing to do with you."

She ignored him, looking directly over his shoulders at Kathy's reddened eyes. "Thank you, Kathy, for uncovering the mystery which has puzzled me so long. Yeah, you came to a wrong place at a wrong time. But what happened, happened. We can't turn back time, can we? You were just being a woman, fighting for keeping her family. And I feel sorry, for whatever pain you've been suffering in your marriage life. Though, something I have to tell you, is that Elliot, your husband, loves you so, very much. For all his life, he's been doing all he could, to protect you from every harm... never stop, never get tired... which, I could only admire."

"Ewww," the blond rolled her eyes in disgust, "you never waste a second to defense him, don't ya? Tell you what, I don't give a damn anymore. Let me ask you something and if you lie, my last respect for you goes out the window, Olivia. You dare to be honest?"

"What the fuck," his index finger pointed to her. "I know what you're gonna ask. I already told you-"

She snapped. "I don't believe you! So shut the fuck up and get out of my face!"

"Elliot, please..." Olivia gently brushed him aside. Deep inside, she felt like she also knew what the question would be. "Go ahead, Kathy."

"Was he the father of your dead baby?"

Her cold words swung like a whip, slashing Olivia's heart open.

Elliot looked away. The way of Olivia's entire body shaking like a leaf in the wind, was beyond unbearable. "Kath-"

"Yes..." it was barely a whisper, "but-"

"Oh, save it...don't know how you call it but to me, that's '**cheat**' and '**shut**'." Her teeth gritted. "Though I appreciate the confession, Olivia. Last question and I'll leave you two alone." She stepped closer. "You love him?"

With her whole body ran cold and numb, Olivia felt herself nearly suffocated in humiliated and an unspeakably anger.

_"Love"... Oh, love?_

_..._

_-Because I love you, Liv._

-I'm in love with you, Olivia...

...

Out of nowhere, all the "love you"-talkings she got in her life floated out at the same time with all kinds of different voices each belonged, which turned into a creepy, disturbing noise, made her light-headed.

"To be honest... I don't know." She squeezed her eyes shut at the moment Elliot turned to her.

"Go, Kathy... What do you want? We're over. The marriage's done! What's the point here? You want me to sign the paper? Fine! I'll do it as soon as I get back home and you can get whatever you want! Satisfy?!"

"You think that I really care about the fucking house, custody and your pennies?" Her chin started to tremble, staring at him through the waving tears.

"Than what the fuck you want here?!"

"I want you to leave this woman and back home, our home!"

"My fucking God...I-I... You can't do this..." he went speechless, shaking his head, "how many times we've been doing this I wonder. YOU start everything, YOU play dirty, and for fuck's sake, YOU said that you consented the divorce just couple days ago right in front of my face! So how dare you throw this shit to me here?! Are you crazy or just being an unreasonable bitch?!"

"Everything I did was just for getting you away from HER! Tell me what I did wrong to make you chose her over me. Tell me! Look at her, Elliot, if I were you, I'd think more that twice before jump into her bed. You have NO idea how the hell a life of living with a disabled woman gonna be. What if some part of your body get hungry, and you can't count on her to satisf-"

Words died on her tongue as Elliot's hand flew over and backhanded her hard.

It sent her body to the floor.

"Kathy!" Olivia reached both arms to the falling woman, which only got her losing balance.

The blond elbowed herself up, sniffing slightly as she seeing Olivia was held in his embrace.

"Dammit! Go check on her!" Olivia shook him off quickly. "Kathy, you ok?"

The blond got on feet on her own, crying quietly. "... great..." She wiped the corner of her mouth, and groaned when seeing the blood. "Guess we're even now, Olivia. You saved my life, and robbed my husband."

"Kathy, stop." Elliot closed his eyes, "I'm so disappoint, Kathy. I thought you were nobler than this..."

"And I thought you were way more loyaller than you really are."

"Kathy," Olivia took a long, deep breath, trying her best not to allow her tears fall. "Could you please calm down and listen to me?"

Blue eyes met the brown.

"I'm sorry for the collapse of your marriage. I really am. But, believe me or not, I'm not that kind of woman who you're accusing me to be. From day one I worked with Elliot, a married man, I've drawn a bottom line for myself, which I swear I've always been afraid to get close, let alone cross it. Yes, I know what's in your mind now. That time, that night..."

The three of them were all stopped breathing.

"We were having a hard due to a rough case, so he got drunk in a bar. I went to pick him up, and somehow, things just... happened... It was my fault, too, I...I surrendered once... to indulgence, which, I really am ashamed of. And he, he actually confused me with you that time. He was calling your name, Kathy. He thought I was you, so...though, it dosen't matter, because, to answer your previews question, no, I don't love him. We're, were, colleagues. He's a good partner, good friend... well, maybe a little more than just friend, I have to say, after all, we'd been worked together for that long, but... That's all. Things are not like what you think." Standing still in dumb, Olivia could feel so clearly that his eyes were burning a hole through her skull, while she just bit teeth tightly and forbade any of her muscles to move.

Although, the silent communication, which she thought she had lost it long time ago, was going on between the two partners.

_-Really? Olivia, really?_

_-Leave. Go. Just as far as you can..._

_..._

When the front door finally closed with a bang, Olivia burst in pouring tears.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry, EO fans, i kind of broke up the two partners and made Kathy OOC. <strong>

**Please don't be mad, cuz the sweetest dream of us, is seeing Liv getting happiness. Right?**

**Please review me. I need to hear what you think! **


	32. Chapter 32

Hey, my dear readers. You guys still with me? :) Please, you're my only inspiration, so just keep reading and reviewing. Thanks!

Ok, in this chapter, some problems are gonna jump out, also includes some nice scenes of AO.

Enjoy :)

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 32<strong>

_**-The Rehabilitation center-**_

_**-Morning-**_

"Honey?" Very gently, Alex put her hand on Olivia's knee.

The brunette blinked, turned to face her. "I'm sorry. What did you say? The DNA samples contaminated, and then? "

She sighed. Since last night, Olivia had been acting quiet and absent-minded, though she had reassured every concern asking the blond gave her. "Forget the story. Liv, what's boring you? Please, talk to me."

"Nothing. I'm just...Don't like hospital." She bowed her head, continuing to peel those itching calluses on her palm.

"Stop dodging me." She knew how hard it was. She had heard more than once that fitting the prosthesis was really a big deal for disabled people. It was both a physical and psychological battle, especially the first time, because only when you completely accept your new being and life, the prosthesis would become a blessed help, otherwise, it could just be a bitchy reminder of how incomplete, strange, even pathetic you were. "You're nervous or feeling uncomfortable?" She tried. "Honey, if you're not ready for this, we can just go back home."

"Alex," Olivia found the slender fingers of Alex's hand, and squeezed tenderly. "I can do this. It just feels...weird, to be in a place like this, surrounded by people...like this."

Alex's heart ached. _So she made the appointment as early as possible in the morning, just for avoiding people._ "Sweetheart, just think about how bad you want to get rid of the wheelchair and crutches. And after today, you'll able to walk. Real walk. Hey, look at that girl with a dog." She pointed the way by her chin, waiting in patience until Olivia's eyes looked up. "She's doing great, right? If she wears long pants, you'll never take extra look on her leg. "

Sitting by her side, Alex watched closely how those dark pupils narrowing and getting limpid.

"Yes, " Olivia leaned back, rubbing her face with both hands. "...And that dog's silly smile is for having an unbreakable bone to chew."

Alex grinned, elbowing the elder woman playfully. "Hey, it's a good dog! "

Olivia's voice turned serious. "I'm afraid, Alex. Don't know why...I imagined moment like now over and over again, you know, I thought it'd be a... a reborn, to set me free. But now I- I kinda feel relieved and strange at the same time. I mean, yes, it is great that people don't see me any different here, but...how ironic that it is me who couldn't help but feel them foreign. Damn, part of me want to escape." She signed in frustration.

"Escape from what? "

"From...everything."

"Like what? "

Olivia shifted, lazily leaning her head on Alex's shoulder, closing eyes. "Like that girl. I know she's strong, stronger than me, but...I just can't put my eyes her leg, you know? I can't imagine things like that on me. It's..." She took a breath as if calming her stomach. "Tell me, Alex, how do you see me wearing that metal stick? Dosen't it make you sick? I'm totally okay with that."

"Silly, so that's what bothers you? Tell you what. Flesh and blood, metal, rock...whatever in this planet, is made from carbon atom, or elementary particles literally. So, technically, things of the physical world are all the same. What makes us special, is our souls. I see you just like you, Olivia Benson. For all these years we've been friends, is not because of your leg, but you, yourself."

As these words sinking in, Olivia held her breath. Somewhere in her heart cracked and melted, making her wordless.

"It's just a tool, helping you to do all the unfinished tasks and to feel love in the rest of your life, Liv." With that, the blond wrapped an arm around Olivia's shoulder, caressing that short hair tenderly. And she smiled, feeling the brunette leaning towards her touch.

"Olivia Benson? "

Olivia jerker her head up, "Here," seeing a young male nurse walked over with a wheelchair pushing in front of him.

"Sorry to keep you waiting. Are you ready? Doctor Ryan's waiting."

Alex felt the brunette's panic. "Yes, we're ready. Aren't we?"

Olivia swallowed drily, changing a look with the woman beside her. "Good, let's do it."

* * *

><p>"Good morning, Olivia."<p>

"Morning, Doctor Ryan." Olivia smiled politely to the young doctor, though she doesn't like him, due to their previous meeting.

"How're you doing recently? Feel stronger?" He asked, going through Olivia's medical record quickly.

"I work out, eat, sleep, see my shrink twice a week just like your suggestion. Yeah, I feel great now, except the walking issue. So..."

"Good. So," the doctor lifted his eyes up from the papers, meeting Olivia's hopeful staring. "Let's do some examine first."

Olivia bit back her irritated groan. "Again?... Seems I can't just put on that thing and go back home."

"Sorry...Though I want that, too. Just a quick examine. I promise. Please lie down." The doctor pushed his glasses up a little, smiling a small smile. "And I'm afraid you have to wait outside, ma'am, sorry." He said to Alex, and reaching the blue curtain.

"Um, Doctor... "

Ryan froze. "Yeah? "

However, Alex felt her fingers got caught before them slipping out of Olivia's hand.

"Alex, just let him do his job."

Their eyes made contact.

The brunette nodded with an assuring smile, knowing what exactly Alex would talk to the doctor. _If I can't take a doctor's professional touch, I'll never be back on the right way._ "I can do this." She winked.

Alex winked back, before her view got blocked by the curtain. And immediately, she heard the doctor lowered his voice on the other side:

_"Is she your partner?... Please pull your shirt up to the chest."_

_"Mmmm, uh, you mean... "_

_"Oh, last time you said you were a detective, right? You cops work with partners, so... By the way, anywhere hurts please let me know."_

_"Oh, yes. I mean, yes I will let you know. But no, we're not. She's not...a cop."_

_"Here hurts? "_

_"No... no."_

_"Okay. All the surgical wounds healed well... But it doesn't take a cop to be your...'partner', you know? You two are really...sweet together."_

Alex's face reddened.

_"Oh, we, um...We...it's..."_

_"Relax," _the doctor sounded like holding his smirk._ "I'm sorry. I shut up now. Didn't mean to spy, but, yeah, I know. I mean I know it's complicated...Okay, now please breathe in deeply. Deep and slow...Good. Breathe out... Another time...Great. Your lungs are working well. You can put your shirt down now. And now I'm gonna pull up your pants-legs to check your wounds. Ok? "_

Alex held her breath.

_"Um, I-I got this."_

_"Ok. Thanks. Mm,...Looks great. Still hurts? "_

_"No."_

Liar.

_"I'm gonna put my fingers on it. Ok? If you feel pain, please tell me."_

The brunette swallowed drily.

_"Here? "_

_"Fine. "_

_"Here? "_

_"No."_

_"This? "_

_"...No. Nothing. "_

My ass. You can't even be honest to your doctor?

_"Good. Seems the stump is ready for the prosthesis. And how's your left knee? Let me take a look..."_

A relieved sigh came. _"It's good, too. I can walk with it for a long time now."_

Yeah, that time you making your knee swollen like hell.

_"Actually, I think you might have worked out a little bit too hard, due to the light swollen."_

_"Yeah, either I got adhesion or overworked it. You guys always have something to say."_

_"Well, that's what you need a doctor for... Can you bend it? "_

She did so.

And when she stretched, Alex heard a tiny flinch.

Damn, she's that desperate?

_"Easy, easy...It's your knee, not mine." _He sounded like pulling her pants-legs back down.

_"So...?"_ Her voice was emblematic of the-good-mood-barely-hung-in-there.

_"So what?"_

_"Can I get that thing today? "_

_"Oh, the prosthesis leg? Yeah, I think so. Just one last thing. Please rolled your sleeve up. I'll check your BP."_

She sounded like frowned._ "Is it necessary? "_

_"Sorry. Routine."_ He paused, working on getting the BP meter in place. _"Oh, my..."_

Finally, the curtain moving to side, with both women's eyes on the doctor.

"How come your blood pressure's so low, Olivia. 6.5-10.1 kap. I'm worried."

Alex's narrowed her eyes. "What does it mean? "

"Normal BP should be 12-15. We consider 8-12 is hypotension. And even for a recovering patient, this BP level is beyond acceptable."

Peeking on the brunette's pale face, Alex felt her guilt pouring all over her heart.

"It's no big deal." Olivia reached a hand out, holding Alex's fingers. "I've been in low BP all my life."

"It is a big deal, I'm afraid." The doc nodded seriously. "Do you have any lightheaded, cold and palpitations? "

"Not really..."

"Liv..." Alex sighed.

"Fine, yeah, just a little bit dizziness, from time to time."

The doctor raised an eyebrow. "How're your appetite and sleep?"

Olivia cleared her throat. "Uhm... Getting better, actually."

"What kind of medicine you've been taking, recently? "

"I didn't take anything! Ok?!" Feeling Alex's eyes scanning on her side face, Olivia quickly forced a deep breath to cool down. "It...I just can't eat. That's all. "

"Okay... So, have you gotten your period back? "

"No...Yet. "

"See, that's a big deal, Olivia. It's called 'menstrual cycle disorder'. Other than the blood pressure factor, a grown woman's body fat content must have reached more than 22% of the weight. In a word," he pushed his glasses a little, "you're too thin, Olivia. You have to eat more, otherwise, it will be very difficult to get your BP and period back."

Olivia leaned backward with a groan._ Like I don't know that._ "Great. I hate the period"

"Oh, no, no, you can't say that. You're still young. The normal menstrual cycle's gotta be playing an important part in your life, which keeps your sexuality and sexual psychology normal, you know, someday you'll be ready to move on, built a new life with a lover... "

Too late for shutting the doctor up, Alex already heard Olivia's yell. "Hey! You really talked too much, you know that?!"

"Doc, um...When can we see the prosthesis?" The blond cleared her throat. Her heart tightened, seeing Olivia's face losing its color.

"It is right here. Only one more question."

"I'm done with talking!" Olivia saw her hands fisted. "Could you please just take that God damn thing here and set it on me?!"

The doc startled, glasses hanging on the end of his nose.

"Liv..." Alex sat down beside the gasping brunette. "Sorry, doc-"

"No, no. It's ok. I'm sorry, I just..., as a doctor I have to ask, to make sure everything is okay before starting the next step."

Alex gave a sympathetic to the young nerd's innocent face. "I know. You're doing your job. We understand."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell." Olivia made it out. Fuck it. She suddenly felt so sick of being here in front of the doc. "Please, just..."

"Don't be sorry. Actually, I got this a lot due to my bad social-skill. Ok, yeah... Anyway, let's just get the entree on." He cheered up, getting on his feet and turning to a metal closet beside the door.

"Here we go."

The moment seeing that shining metallic prosthesis-leg appearing in front of her face, Olivia stilled and gasped in silence. That thing was shorter and thinner than she thought, but somehow it still felt creepily cold and heavy, and even reminded her _The Terminator._

Instantly, she had goose bumps all over her body.

"Beautiful and exquisite, isn't it? "

With Alex's caress on her arm, Olivia finally floated back to the reality. "W-... Oh, um..." Her throat dried like hell.

"Liv, you alright? "

"Yeah, I'm, fine." She managed another dry swallow. "So, now what?"

"C'mon, you can hold it. See? Not heavy at all, right? It's made of titanium alloy and medical steel, with shock-absorber here. And here. The socket inner is flexible, doing its best not to cause any uncomfortableness. And down here, you can even put your right shoe on the foot part. So, basically, some training, adaptation plus a pair of jeans, this leg's gonna be just like a real one. You gotta make it a part of your body. "

Under his encouraging staring, Olivia only felt irritated. No. More than that, her stomach turned nearly every time he call this cold stick _"leg / part of your body"._

"How... to wear this...thing?" Rolling up her right pants-leg, Olivia rushed to fit her leg-stump into the socket.

"Wait, wait. Not like that. You need to wear this at first." The doctor stopped her. "This sock can protect the stump of your leg."

Olivia lifted eyes to peep at the long-kneepad-like "sock", grabbed it. Whatever. "Fine. Like... this?" It made her more sick.

Alex's heart shrank as the brunette's hands trembled. "Take your time." Though she didn't dare to help her, knowing how bad the stubborn woman hated being touched on her right leg, especially under other people's watching.

As soon as the prosthesis settled, Olivia leaned forward, attempting to stand up.

"Hold on! Get this, for God's sake." Doctor Ryan grabbed over two canes. "These canes are made to match your height and weight. So, never borrow anyone else's canes or crutches. Could be dangerous. Ok? "

_I'm not that new._ "Yeah..." Olivia murmured, wrapping the cane's secure bands around her wrists. "Can you do me a favor? "

The two looked at her in the eye.

"Don't help me. I want to try this by myself."

Eyes holding the brown, Alex bit back her rejection. She treasured every precious moment like this, when the stubbornness and strength shining in those dark eyes, reminding her how the old Olivia Benson looked like. "Okay. But you have to promise me, to do it very slowly and carefully. Will ya?"

"I promise." She smiled, squeezing a silent thank you on the blond's slightly sweaty hand.

The doctor scratched on the back of his head. "Well, in that case, I suggest we move to the training room, so you can use the barres for protection."

"No, I don't need...that."

That answer was so quick that Alex immediately knew her real concern was being watched by people out there.

"Don't be shy. Look, even a kid is-"

Before finished the sentence, the young doctor had jumped to his feet and reached arms out to catch his patient who was suddenly throwing her shaking body frontward, attempting to stand up.

"Don't touch me! "

With the shout, Ryan jerked his hands away as if being burnt.

"Liv, Liv, I got you..." Supporting the brunette's weight by wrapping her arm with both hands, Alex shooting a warning look to the shocked doc. "Please, doctor, can you give us some minutes? "

Ryan blinked, pushed his slipping glasses upward. "..., ok... Then, I'll be just outside the door. "

As the door closed, Alex felt more weight shifting from Olivia's body. "You ok? Need to sit down? "

She took a deep breath before shook head slightly.

_Damn, she's dizzy._ "Even you don't like him, but seriously, Olivia, what the hell? You know what the sudden move can do to you. "

"At least he's gone... "

"And you're passing out. "

"I'm fine, Mom... "

The blond sighed. "C'mon, sit back down. You need to rest."

"No, no, just a second, I..." The brunette gritted her teeth.

"What's wrong? It hurts, right? "

"It's... " She shook head with a bitter smile. "Just...Imagine you kneeing on a super high high-heel. "

The blond stilled.

That made Olivia laugh. "You should look at your face, Alex. Forget it. Who knows that feeling. Anyway, I, ah... Yeah, a little sore, but acceptable. "

That laugh calmed Alex's heart a little. "You sure? You're shaking badly."

"I don't want to fail...the first meeting with my new friend. You know?" She looked down, eyeing that feelingless metal calf. "Just one step, please hold me tight. "

"Fine, but very slowly and carefully, you hear me? "

"Of course. I...just..." she already shifted her weight to her good leg, feeling the pain on that swollen knee doubled immediately, though, she ignored it and awkwardly moved that prosthesis forward.

It must be the most weird, unreal and thrilling experience she'd ever had. Yes, this so called flexible socket was truly soft and smooth, which she could tell that how hard the makers had tried to make the socket feel like human skin, but somehow this attempt oddly sickened her as soon as she putting her weight on it.

Cold, colder, that was the first thing she felt when her skin contacted tighter with the socket, and didn't know why, her mind relived the experience of touching a dead body.

Though, on the other side, she heard her heart beat in joyful rhythm.

So it was. The long lost feeling of standing on feet, again.

Under the thrilling urge, she took another step.

"I think, I think I can do it without the canes."

Alex's arm muscles tightened immediately. "No way. It's too soon."

"I can do it. You just keep holding me."

Eyeing the already sweated hairline of the brunette, Alex bowed her head. "Liv..."

"Please...Please help me, honey... "

That desperate tone calling her _honey_, pinched Alex's heart. She hated to make her beg, besides, she doubted how long Olivia actually had before her weak body collapsed. "Ok. Give me the canes."

Finally, when the brunette got rid of both two canes and stood awkwardly still with every muscle of her body tightened, Alex held her breath. "You ok? If you feel-"

"Yes, yes, I'm...Ok. I...Which, which leg first?" Her throat was so dry.

_God..._ "Shifts your weight to the left leg first. I suppose?"

"Yeah, ok, ok."

"Slow down!"

As all her weight on her painful knee, Olivia almost cried out. So quickly, she moved the prosthesis to support her body. But the sudden action was too fast for her leg-stump to take the sting.

"Ah!"

"Careful!" Alex used all her power and held the gasping woman with both arms. "Ok, ok, we're done today. "

"No, no, I know the feeling now. I can...I wanna give another try."

"Olivia! Stop! You're in no shape of doing this now. Your face is pale as a sheet, you know that? "

"I know my body! "

"Do you?!" She scanned those widened brown eyes. "I'm gonna call the doctor."

"No! Trust me, please, one last step and I'll call him myself. I promise."

And before Alex knew it, the brunette had grabbed on her wrist, taking another step forward.

Trembling, gasping, flinching in pain, but this time she kind of managed it and somehow got the balance in the end.

"See...? I told...told ya..." Her weak voice was barely audible.

"Ok, ok, hang on a second." Pulling the wheelchair closer with her foot, Alex helped the exhausted brunette to collapse into it. "God, dammit, Liv. You're such a badass, you know that?" She let out a long deep breath. "But yeah, I'm so, so, proud of you, honey." Hugging Olivia tightly, Alex found herself had burst into tears.

"Not... without you...I...,"

Alex started as feeling a tender kiss landing on the corner of her eye.

Olivia cracked a tired smile. "Don't...cry..." that was when her own tears flooded.

"It's happy tears, silly... How's the taste?" She smirked.

"Tastes like..." Olivia leaned her cheek against hers, whispering, "...life."

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>On their way home<strong>_

_**In the car**_

"Honey, you ok? You look tired." Alex put on her sunglasses, glancing at the brunette.

"Yeah, a little bit, and I'm hungry. "

"Really?" That was rare. She almost forgot when was the last time Olivia said this. "Me, too! What do you want? Italian or Chinese? "

"Can we grab some pasta and eat at home? "

"Just pasta? How about we go some nice place and have a real lunch?" she tested, knowing she didn't like being in public.

"I uh, prefer to eat at home, so we can also catch a movie or so. What do you think? "

"Great." Alex smiled. It's ok, as long as she's happy. "You look...especially beautiful today."

She flushed slightly. "Thanks, counselor...You, uh, you really don't think I look like a semi-robot?"

"Liv, please. For the third time, no."

"Okay, okay..." She bowed her head shyly, eyes on her leg. "I was just..." Her voice lowered, "I can do much better with this, right? With more practice and time."

"Honey, you'll be just the same badass Benson like before. Trust me. And I think you already are. Look what you did today."

Olivia laughed. "Just you or all the guys call me that? "

"It's a compliment. C'mon...And I know you guys call me ice-queen, and sometimes 'ADA bitchy glasses'."

"God, no, who the hell called you that? Fin? Elliot? "

"You've worked with them for a lifetime. You tell me."

"K... So, must be El. He could really be an ass."

Suddenly, somehow that made both of them quiet.

Alex's mind flew back to the day Elliot stayed with Olivia. The brunette never told her any of what they talked about that day, though she knew something must have happened.

Olivia cleared her throat, changing topic. "Why mine is different from theirs? "

"What?"

"I mean, the prosthesis they gave me. Is this more expensive or something?... I'm sorry. Alex, I should have asked about this long time ago instead of making you handle everything. Does my insurance cover it? "

The blond's heart skipped a beat. "Um..."

Olivia lifted her eyes up on Alex, sensing the hesitation and panic. "How much it cost?"

Putting her foot on the break, Alex gently stopped the car in front of the red light. "The prosthesis and physical therapy are out of insurance. But, Liv...um... the guys of your Precinct raised some money for you."

During the silent moment, Alex felt her side face burnt under Olivia's eyes.

"How much money...I took from them?" Her tone was low.

"Liv, it's not like that. You'll do the same thing if it's Elliot or-"

"How, much?" Her glaring shot over.

Alex sighed. "Sixty grand in all. And the prosthesis, cost half of that."

"Oh, my... "

Just before she turned to meet Olivia's reaction, the angry blares of the behind car alerted Alex. That was when she found out the traffic light had changed for a while. "Shit," while crossing the intersection, she stole a quick peep on the brunette, who looked directly at the front road with an unreadable expression.

Finally, olivia breathed. "You accepted their money for me, didn't you? "

"I... couldn't say no, Liv."

"Pull over. Pull over, please."

Alex took a deep breath, not really surprised to hear the unhappy tone. "Alright..." Finding a nearest safe place, she pulled the car over.

"How much money I still have now?" As soon as the blond getting the hand-break on, Olivia asked with a low voice.

Alex could feel her heart beating and hurt. It was the first time Olivia asked about her financial situation and she doubted if the brunette was ready. "Ten thousand and eight hundred fifty two, after the last time paid for the hospital. And they cut your retirement pay to thirty thousand per year... I did my best. Liv, I'm sorry..."

Instantly, she heard the brunette gritted her teeth, followed by a dry swallow. "And you picked such a, a...luxurious leg for me? "

Alex pulled off her sunglasses, turned her bowed head aside. Though she couldn't lift her eyes to see her face. "I didn't mean to make the decision for you."

"You made such an expensive decision, Alex! I don't get it. Why? No matter how much it cost, it's just a metal stick! "

"It's the basic one that can help you walk just like a normal people, Liv."

"Normal people? It is you or me who can't face the reality?!" She regretted as soon as spitting the words out. "...You really should have talked to me, at least."

"Liv, you know how these days like. You were so not ready for any of this, both physically and mentally. And I didn't have that much time, because this kind of prosthesis only produced ten thousand a year in America, with the price going higher every year." She paused, letting her words sinking. "On one hand, I wanted to save every penny for you, while on the other hand, after doing my homework, I learned how bad the cheap prostheses are. The repair issue, the uncomfortableness... I couldn't... I just... One day when you were sleeping, I kinda lost in my mind while watching you. I dreamt the way you walking on the street with all your confidence, shine...just like before. And at that moment, I knew I had to pick a better leg for you. You deserve that. You can't be like them. I don't care how many people just use the crap prosthesis, but you're Olivia Benson. You're my world. I, I...I'm the one who took your leg away, so I gotta be the one who gives you a new one! "

"Stop it. Stop..." Her voice cracked, while seeing the blond dropping tears. "Don't say that. You didn't do that to me, ok? Don't you say that again."

Pulling herself together, Alex took two tissues from the paper-box and dried their eyes. "I'll never waste your money, Liv, never. I just believe that money is rejuvenated, but spirit and hope ain't." Her heart calmed a little bit, finding the brunette taking her words in.

When olivia opened mouth, her voice was hoarse but steady. "Ok, then, I'll pay. I don't take money from people."

"God, Liv, why you sound like you're stealing. Look at me," she waited, until meeting those stubborn eyes, "I know you hate to owe people. But they, we, we are not just people, we're your friends, families. That's what families do when one of us needs help. Nothing to be shamed of. Your accepting our help, is an award of our friendship. "

_Just...How much you gave me? Elliot?...I can't even refuse?_ Though, she didn't say it out loud, instead, her vision blurred in helpless tears. She just felt pathetic.

So pathetic.

* * *

><p><strong>Please review! It makes me write quicker! <strong>

**Thank you!**


	33. Chapter 33

**Sorry for keeping you guys waiting for soooo long ! I've been sick for two months and finally came home last week. Thank God ~ **

**And there wasn't any single day I spent in the hospital without missing my story and Olivia Benson. i can't just leave her there. i REALLY CAN NOT ! **

**In this chapter, you'll see something's coming, both good and bad. **

**Hope you like it :)**

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 33<strong>

**Psychological Service clinic.**

**Tuesday 11 a.m**

"Olivia?You still with me? How's your physical therapy today?"

Slowly, the brunette moved her unfocused eyes from that aquarium to the gray-haired shrink, who had been turned down every time in their previous sessions, and surprisingly realized that she barely paid any attention to the doctor's face before.

_Nice. "Shrink-string"._

She sighed in silence, though, it got her a little bit guilty anyway.

Before Olivia opened her mouth, the elder woman added. "You know, just because I owe Doctor Huang a big favour, doesn't mean you have to share anything with me when you're not ready. I can't help you unless you're willing to give me a chance."

Keeping chewing the dead skin on her lower lip, Olivia caught a tiny relieved beat of her heart. She took that as a discharge.

_Great_.

Her hand already reached out to grab her cane.

"Just one question. What would you say when your families ask about the sessions? Since you never said a word in our four meetings, and no one has ever come to me... You must be trying very hard on reassuring people."

Olivia stilled. "You'll keep the doctor-patient confidentiality, will ya?"

"Do you trust me?" The doctor smiled, looked directly at her patient.

"Doctor Collins..."

"Please call me Hilda, or Hil."

"...Hilda... it's not about trust. To be honest, I don't think that you can help me. I'm sorry." Breaking their eye contact, she leaned forward to rise.

"What is hiding in your eyes?"

Olivia held her breath.

That stabbed on the sore spot in her heart. Yes, yes, the guilt and stress coming from faking normal as well as lying, almost killed her. Every time she walked into the clinic with the believable smile and went back home, announcing feeling good after the session, while it was just another day spent in the café, seeing no one except the blond waitress, doing nothing but sipping coffee, reading magazines and napping... Even though, she'd been getting better and better of doing that.

"Wanna talk about it?" The doctor seemed never let go. "It doesn't matter where to start. You can tell me whatever you want to, Miss Benson."

Olivia sighed. She didn't know what to feel about this mind-reading woman, as if she was naked in front of those green eyes. "Call me Olivia."

The doctor let out a small smile. "So, Olivia, why don't you lie down and get some comfortableness?"

Taking a quick glance at the couch, she shook her head. "Nah, I don't think it's…necessary. "

"Are you always feel so insecure?"

The brunette frowned. Whenever getting close to that area, her mind slipped to... somewhere else. "I um... Can we meet in Friday?"

Hilda rose to her feet with Olivia, heart sank in frustration, though her well-trained face didn't show any of that. "Alright. Like I said, you have all my patience."

"Thank you." Olivia turned back. "Uhm... could you give me some meds please? I uh, accidentally dropped the bottle into the toilet yesterday." Immediately, she felt the doctor's sharp staring on her face for a damn long moment.

"Sure." Finally, Hilda smiled, walked back to her desk and wrote a prescription quickly. "For three days. When it's done, I'll give you something new."

"Thanks." Taking it over, Olivia only wanted to run away ASAP.

"Olivia," as her patient opening the door, Hilda called out. "Whenever you're ready, I'm here, 24/7. Okay? And this might be the last time I gave you pills without having our conversation."

Olivia flushed. She knew that tone. Cops did the "I cover your dirty secret and you open up to me"-trick all the time. "I... Know."

* * *

><p>Escaping from the shrink's office with the prescription sheet gripping in her hand, Olivia found a nearest bench and collapsed down. Her sore knees were having a hard time supporting all the shame and guilt carrying on her shoulders, let alone the two long hours physical therapy in the morning.<p>

She felt like a junkie now, a real one, and she just wanted to laugh at this sudden truth, that knowing all the users' tricks so well kind of turned out a big benefit.

_God, you really need to clear your fucking mind, Benson._

She told herself, and came to the lady's room.

With the cold water splashing on her face, Olivia blew out a long breath.

"Hey, you."

Suddenly, a low voice came beside her ear before Olivia opened her eyes. It made her jump.

"Whoa, easy, easy..."

There was a young woman with long blond hair, standing next to her, tall, skinny, half face hid under the black hoodie.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle." The girl said with a sniffed.

_Damn. Speak of the devil..._

Olivia turned away. "It's ok."

That blondie cleared her throat and leaned closer. "Feel the drugs are getting lame and need something stronger? I been watching you for a while, sweetie, you do need my help."

That was when Olivia felt the hair on her back prickled. Taking a glance around the room, she warned. "Look, young lady, get the hell out of here now, I'll keep my mouth shut. Go."

"Or you need cash? As long as you got good stuff..."

Before she reacted, the blondie had grabbed Olivia's prescription paper from the sink-counter. "Oh, my fucking..."

"Hey! Give it to me!"

Keeping the sheet out of Olivia's touch, the blondie gasped in exciting. "Ssh, ssh, listen, I give you 8 for every one pill. How much you can get from your doctor? 30? 40?"

"Give it back to me! I'll call the police. I swear." Olivia felt her anger waving.

"How about 10, 11, Ok? Or some really badass pills for free. How's that?"

Still could't beat the little bitch, Olivia felt her face burnt in rage and exhaustion. "I don't do drugs!" She yelled. "Three seconds. You give me the fucking paper and get the hell out of here! One, two..."

"Ok, ok, you crazy cripple!" The hoodie girl raised both hands in the air. "You still count on the stupid shrink? Keep dreaming! Dammit. I've seen thousand of people like you. You need me!" Crumpling the sheet into a ball roughly, she tossed it into the furtherest corner of the room. "And you need this." Very quickly, she thrust something into Olivia's pocket before stormed out.

It took Olivia a while to finally find her prescription back, and when she did, her exhausted body couldn't hold it anymore. She let herself slip down to the floor, along the wall. Yes, she felt like crying while her eyes were just stubbornly dry.

* * *

><p><strong><em>-<span>Later-<span>_**

**_-In the parking lot-_**

Finally seeing the lovely white car into her view, Olivia immediately got herself up from that cold hard doorsteps she had been sitting on for a lifetime, rushing as fast as she could to the blond woman coming out of the car.

At the same time, the frowning blond was talking to her boss through the phone. "Can I finish it tomorrow?... Thanks. Yeah, yes,... I appreciate... Oh, that statement I already sent to you. Did you check your e-mail?..." Kept talking, she undid the belt, and suddenly, from the rear view mirror she peeped Olivia's familiar figure hobbled over. "Uh, Liz, I'm sorry I gotta go... Yeah, I know. I won't..." _Something isn't right._

Getting out of the car, she met the brunette's bloodshot eyes.

"What's going on, Liv? You've cried? I'm sorry for being so late today. Something came up in my office. You, you ok?"

Throwing herself in Alex's embrace, Olivia greedily breathed that homelike scents, as if that was her oxygen or something. "I'm... I just wanna go home."

"Rough day? Hey, let me see you." Alex turned her body to block the chilly wind. "C'mon, let's get into the car. You're freezing, baby."

As they got in, Alex took a good look at the brunette who was obviously avoiding eye contact.

Exhaustion was all over that pale face, which pinched Alex's heart. "What's wrong, honey?"

"I'm ok." She forced a small smile. "I really am. Just, what we talked today, upset me a little bit."

"A little bit?" Alex narrowed her eyes, finding Olivia's hand and holding it tight. "Liv, seriously."

"I, we talked about the... attack." She lied, withdrawing her hand.

Alex's jaw dropped. "Wow, that's… really a big move, isn't it? Must be very hard... I'm sorry. I really should've come earlier. I..."

"It's alright. Can we just go home? I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it anymore." She breathed, turning to look out of the window. Alex's eye were killing her.

"Yeah, home. Let's go." The blond turned to the wheel and started the engine, secretly feeling guilty and frustrated for her absence in this rough day. The shrink didn't push too hard, did she? "So," Alex smiled, "what'd you like for lunch? Hungry?"

Olivia cleared her throat unconsciously. "Can we eat at home? I just want some... salad."

_Again?_ Alex almost sighed. The brunette had been refusing meat and fish for only God knew how long... Though, today, she just wanted her to get everything she wanted. "Ok. And after that, we can take a nap and go shopping if you like."

Putting her belt in place, the brunette lifted her eyes. "You don't go back to work?"

"I'm all yours today." Alex grinned to those confused eyes. "Happy birthday, silly."

Blinked. Olivia dropped her chin. "Oh, God, I totally forgot... Thank you, Alex... How can you never forget my birthday?"

"Cuz you always forgot it, my Queen." She chuckled, "So, your Majesty, anything you wanna do? Or somewhere you wanna be?"

Olivia smiled at the London accent she made. "Well, how about..."

Alex waited in patience, until the moment turned cold and she looked over. Olivia's expression clouded. "Liv?" And the answer was completely out of her expectation.

"I um, want to," she hesitated before whispered. "... to see my mom's grave... I may need some time there, alone... Ok?"

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>-The same day-<strong>_

_**-Afternoon-**_

_**-In the cemetery-**_

"Mom,"

Just one word streaming down under her pencil, Olivia's eyes got moist.

Being in front of Serena Benson's grave, she never felt any moment in her life missing her mom as this painfully much as she did now. Even with her sanity laughing loudly at this ridiculous behavior of writing a letter to a ghost, while her heart just gripped on the faith stubbornly tight.

Because she could feel her dead mother clearly, whose familiar muddy eyes were even watching upon there; because every pore of her body was sensing her, smelling her, desperately recalling all the detail of that long lost feeling of lazily curl up in a mother's cradle.

In this birthday, the loneliness seemed especially overwhelming, eating her alive, crashing her into pieces and stabbing her over and over again with every beat of her heart, cuz no matter the birth she should have but never had given to a life, or the birth her mother gave to her but never ever wanted, now completely ended up ashed.

As her tears blinked down, the words on the paper fading in again. So she gathered her self and kept writing:

_"40 years ago, the prologue of your bitter life was wrote by me. I have to say that I never really understand the hatred and pain in your eyes, until now. Mom, some bad things happened, which makes me miss you so much, so very much. Can you hear me, or see me? I really need you, mom, and if you're here, please at least show me some sign? Cuz I feel so alone, helpless and devastated. Mom, how could you make this through? What I supposed to do?... Where are you?"_

Lifting head, she shut her eyes under the harsh sunrays filtering through the trees.

_Is that you staring back at me, mom?_

With that thought, Olivia hugged herself with both arms as if in her mom's embrace, while her tears pouring down.

* * *

><p><strong><span>-Alex's apartment-<span>**

**-Evening-**

When finally made it to Alex's place, Olivia felt her shaky legs could hardly support her weight anymore. But to Alex, she worried more about the heartbreaking silence that Olivia had been in all the way since they left the cemetery.

At the same time, they collapsed in couch, both gone limp.

"Water?" Alex half turned her head, eyeing the exhausted brunette who rested her head on her shoulder lazily.

Unsurprisingly, the only reply was her slight head shaking.

"Okay...then, just lie down here. You're about to pass out, Liv."

So as Olivia did, her body obedience spreading some soft sorrow to the blond. She kicked herself mentally for somehow leading a birthday to where they were now. It was supposed to be a happy day.

Very gently, she covered Olivia with a blanket, tucking her in, before walked away.

"Do you... believe in ghosts?"

Alex stopped as the whisper coming from behind.

Turning around, she scanned those dark brown eyes, wondering what exactly was hiding behind those pupils. "Do you?" She tested.

"I don't know..."

"I believe in Heaven and Hell." She sat back to Olivia's side. "What are you thinking? Talk to me, Liv. You've been so freaking quiet."

Her eyes focused slowly, as she blinked away some clouds. "I'm sorry for ruining today. I know you've been trying very hard to give me a happy birthday. I'm just..."

"It's okay to miss your mom at the day she gave birth to you, Liv. Actually, that's the meaning of birthday, maybe?"

"Right, maybe... I, I felt her."

"You felt her?"

"Yeah... When I was in the hospital, on the operating table, I... I saw her standing right there, in the corner, crying and shaking her head to me. I couldn't hear her, but I knew what she kept saying was 'don't' or…or 'no'...time and time again... Though I just didn't get it. I didn't understand. Was she telling me not to give up on life or she's was just disappointed in what I turned out. And, today by the side of her grave, when I was writing the letter, I felt again so clearly that she was right there, with me." Her eyes watered, looking up to meet the blue ones. "This time, I understood… that what she's been trying to tell me,…is 'I know...' She said she knew, Alex. She knows…"

"She knows what?"

"This… pain."

"Oh, God, Olivia," Alex bent down and gathered the teary brunette in arms.

"I'm, I'm not crazy, am I?" Her voice trembled under her breath.

"No, no, Liv…" the counselor suddenly lost her words. Neither this sympathy nor misery was anyone in the world could possibly understand one in a thousand, except her own mother. "You are not crazy. You just felt the love from your mom."

"Nah," She chuckled through a sniff, "she'd barely loved me."

"Yes, she did, she does." Alex sat straight, looking back and forth between those dark eyes. "How could she still be with you if she doesn't love you? That's your contact. The love."

"No, our contact isn't love, but pain, if I still got my sanity."

That got the blond speechless and heartache.

"Doesn't matter." Olivia smiled and brushed her wet eyes. "Actually, it feels relieved to talk to a grave. I mean, odd, but…yes, relieved. Damn, I know how much it sounds like I'm losing it…"

"Don't you say it again, honey. You're lost, you're a little distant, isolated, depress and yeah, bitchy… You're everything but insane, Olivia. You're just seeking the old self, or new self. You got it?"

The brunette scanned Alex's serious face. "Bitchy?"

"Yes, bitchy. Don't you deny it." With that, she saw Olivia pressed her lips together and bowed her head. _Damn. It's too much_. But she felt too late to regret, as the brunette lifted her eyes slowly and whispered hesitantly.

"…O-Objection?"

The blond held her breath for a second, before the two of them bursting out laugh at the same time.

"Holy…, Olivia, your humor is bloody cold. You know that?" She hit her arm playfully.

Olivia was still giggling. "Your face is precious when you got panic."

"Yeah, entertainment, huh?" She rolled eyes, while feeling a happy deer jumping up and down in her heart. She couldn't help but praying for this beautiful laughter never stop.

"Well, Alex." Her tone got serious. "I really hope you can treat me just like the old time. Be straight, joke around, call me whatever you feel I am… I miss the old you, too."

Alex suddenly felt awake. She never thought about this ever before. "You're right. I will." She smiled with a nod. Though, deep inside, a voice just told her how hard it was now. "Cuz you're still the same old Olivia to me." Lie. Lie. Lie.

"Let's just try our best…to be normal."

With that, the blond felt relief. Part of her was secretly afraid of hearing _you're still the same old Alex to me, too._ "So, speak of being normal. How about you have a normal nap? Cuz I really appreciate some privacy for preparing my Queen's birthday supper, incase anything screwed and I can fix it without your witness."

Olivia shook her head. "Alex, it's just a dinner. We can order some Chinese or something."

"No, it's your big day, silly. This year sucks. You worked so damn hard to finally make it here. I treasure today as your new first birthday."

That got the brunette reddened eyes, again. "Thank you…honey."

"Night-night."

"You didn't hire a French chef, did you?"

"No, just a stripper." Alex winked, standing up.

Olivia nodded, winking back. "Boy or girl?"

The blond stared at those suddenly familiar eyes. "Guess?"

"Alright. Surprise me. Night-night."

Alex walked away with a huge smile hanging on her face, didn't even have any clue that the brunette had pulled out her medicine bottle and swallowed pills, as soon as she turned.

**(TBC)**

* * *

><p><strong>How do you feel about things going? What do you expect to happen at Olivia's birthday night? <strong>

**And somehow, I really don't think EO is over now. At least for Elliot, it's not yet. But what do you want him to do? **

**Please tell me. I treasure every word from you. **

**I'll be update fast. **

**Thank you ! :)**


	34. Chapter 34

**So, AO is on the way :) at least for now. **

**This chapter might contain some adult stuff in case you're wondering. **

* * *

><p>CHAPTER 34<p>

_**(continued from last chapter)**_

**_-The Same Day. Dinner Time-_**

**_-Alex's place-_**

Waking up from her nap, Olivia stumbled to the bathroom as fast as she could, leaving the jaw dropped Alex behind.

"Jesus, Li-" The blond jerked back as the door shut in her face. "What's going on, Liv? Bad dream? You ok? "

"Fine, fine. I just…need to pee."

"Oh." Half buying that, though, she read that please-leave-me-alone kind of tone. "Um, dinner is coming. You know."

"Yeah, I'll be quick." As Alex's steps away, Olivia pushed her pants down, sat on the toilet, letting go. Gosh, her face was still burning from that…inappropriate dream before, and the fever got even worse when she tried to clean herself. God, how came her body reacted like some high school girl watching porn for the first time?

It was ridiculous.

Ridiculous and…embarrassing.

As a life time single woman, this couldn't be more familiar for her. Most of the time, she'd simply take a hot bath and comfort that desire. But now, she just didn't know what to feel. A little bit happy? Yes, for the first time she finally dreamt something sweet, sexy, making her react like a normal woman in both mental and physical way; though it was also guilty, shamed, cuz it was…Alex, for God's sake, in her dream, half naked, moaning, sweating… What kind of people would be so low and dirty that even picture her guard-angel like that in subconscious? Yeah, even it was subconsciously, it still felt like she just assaulted Alex.

Complex feelings irritatingly, sickened her.

_Just a dream…_ Olivia took a deep breath, suddenly longed for a shower. Wanted it right now. So she turned on the tap, and impatiently got in the water before the tub filled.

_It was sooooo good_.

_C'mon, get your dirty mind clean._

However, as soon as sinking her body beneath the water, Olivia saw her hand made a bee line to the wetness between her legs. And the first touch shocked her heart.

She was so wet, so unreally wet.

_Hell… But bon't you always wanna be normal, again?_

That thought challenged her mind, stimulated her stubbornness, dragging her fingers to her clit.

Soon, with all the long lost familiar pleasures approaching, the previous self-kicking faded further and further.

Her body felt awake and alive, which inspired her so much that even made her want to kiss herself for being human and old-self ever again. How she hadn't tried this before? It was simple, easy, worked ten times better than any therapy. No more talking, nor thinking… just indulged herself into all kinds of flesh pleasures.

Less than a while, she longed for the top. She just wanted, needed the comforting…and that was when Alex's body popped into her mind.

_What a deja vu…_ only this time, instead of holding back and self-judging, her entire mind and body just wanted more. Everything she saw in that erotic dream, now got more colorful and detailed:

**_-"Liv,…"_**

**_-"Yeah, I'm here, baby…"_**

Her left hand flew up and covered on her mouth before a moan slipping out. She couldn't wait anymore. She wanted the orgasm. Wanted it right away.

"Oh, Alex…"

But just as her finger moving in, a familiar pain suddenly exploded like a bomb.

**_-"BEG ME! Bitch! SCREAM!"_**

T Walker's howl. So real, so close… She was in the woods now, and the hammer shaft was shoving in and out her body.

…

…

These flashbacks cost every bit of her strength not to cry out or scream. And when finally crawled back to sanity, she found herself semi-sitting on the cold ground with her back against the bathroom wall.

_What the hell…_

"Olivia? Is everything alright? "

Comprehending in a rush, she answered right away. "Yeah! I'm fine." Her eyes caught the cane lying on the floor. "My cane felled, just." _I didn't make too much noise, did I?_

"Oh, ok. Just be careful. The floor can be really slippery after the shower."

"I will. I'm… almost done here." She fought her tremble voice by rising volume. "Are, are we gonna have some real drink tonight? "

"You mean…? "

"I mean… Is Tequila too much?" She suddenly missed alcohol so desperately.

"Yes, it is. Actually, I got a surprise for you, dear. You gonna love it."

When the blond's happy steps left, Olivia breathed out a long sigh.

_C'mon...Time to get up._ That was when she noticed the big bruise on her hip.

_Shit_.

She closed eyes, trying to recall how she got out of the tub. But no. No clue. One thing for sure, was she must like some panic-stricken antelope running from crocodiles.

She sneered.

_Great_...

She just didn't know what the hell God still wanted her to do. She had cursed, cried, crawled and then finally started to learn how to pull the bloody pieces of her life together, in order to accept, move on, living this unrecognizable life.

But,

not this…

not in this way…

This was too devastating.

Picking herself up, Olivia got dried, dressed and put on the prosthetic.

So, here she was. Standing still in front of the mirror, staring at herself with one hand on the tap and the other fisted up.

Within a second, she felt her mind starting to think the meds-bottle in her pants pocket.

_You don't need that. You, do, not._

_Don't you ever…_

_C'mon, you're not an addict!_

_God… please don't let the fucking pain come back. Please…_

_… dammit. It has started, hasn't it? …_

_Yes, the mother fucker is waking up…_

_No, no, Benson, you got to get over it by your own power._

_This pain doesn't exist, cuz half of your leg doesn't even exist._

_Tell your brain._

_Tell your stupid brain._

_Let it know!_

_…Oh, fuuuuck !_

**_…_**

The next thing she knew, was the bitterness spread in her mouth as her teeth roughly chewing the pills. Oddly, it tasted so sweet… even satisfying.

…

_It's only for the birthday dinner._

_For Alex…_

…

* * *

><p>"Liv, slow down. Don't make me regret for letting you drink." The blond held Olivia's glass. "We have violated like ten of your medical advices today."<p>

"C'mon, mom, it's my birthday dinner." Olivia rolled eyes. "See, I finished my steak." She was truly happy tonight, for everything never felt so right for the first time in a long while. Because of the drink or the pills? Whatever. She just needed some moment like this. No pain, no any uncomfortableness…nothing but just sitting in couch, enjoying the candle light dinner with the breathtakingly beautiful Alex, who seemed almost like an angel from some oil painting. And her dress… God, how could a simple black suspender dress make a woman so gorgeous?

"Oh, bargain with an ADA, detective?" The blond's chest shrank a little as calling her **_detective_**. Though, that seemed okay. "Fine, I know how much courage it took you to finish… my experiment."

Olivia couldn't help but chuckled. "It's your first time making steak? Really?"

"I'm sorry, but yeah…I really should have ordered some Chinese when you were in the shower."

"Oh, I'm glad you didn't. Actually, this is great as your _virgin_ steak."

"So," the blond sighed, "you mean it sucks, cuz you clear your throat every time before you lie."

"No, hell, no…I didn't lie."

In the dim light, the way Olivia's cheeks flushed up with that little shy smile, somehow rippled Alex's heart in a good way. "Truth Or Dare." _Damn, where the hell did this come from?_ She took up the bottle and refilled their glasses.

She laughed. "Really, Alex? High School night, huh?"

"So what? Blondie first." Setting the bottle down, Alex leaned forward.

"Okay…" Alcohol kicked in. Olivia pressed the cold glass agains her burning cheek. "So, speaking of the _virginity_…" From the corner of her eyes she peeped the blond rolling eyes. "Hey, high school style! "

"Ok. I was sixteen, in the backseat of my first boyfriend's car. Awkward, but, um, sweet."

It took Olivia several seconds to find her breath back. And when she did, she blushed even worse. "Whoa…guess the game is really on, isn't it? "

"Your turn." Alex took a sip, hiding her smirk behind the glass. She could tell that Olivia's mind must be still picturing that scene.

Olivia cleared her throat, and immediately recalled Alex's words. "Just for the record. Actually, I clear my throat just because I'm under pressure."

Alex smiled. "Oh, yeah."

"Gee, it's just… a habit."

The counselor kept nodding. "Yeah, honest is your middle name." She literally felt a happy deer dancing in her heart to see the brunette's giggling mixed with that cute embarrassment.

_Gosh, why I feel like an idiot tonight…_ Olivia took a big swallow of her wine. "Ok. I pick Truth."

Alex crossed her fingers. "Great. So," a voice inside stopped her right away. _You sure it's not too personal? _"… Um…Do you masturbate? "

Olivia burst a laugh, though secretly she appreciated it. _Thank God it wasn't when was the last time you masturbated…._ "Yes, of course." She said in a calm. "Who doesn't?" She lifted her eyes, finding Alex nodded in agree.

Eye contact made both of them flush.

"Whoa," Olivia was the first one looked away, while Alex flipping her golden hair over her shoulder. "… so hot tonight." She was talking about the temperature, but hell, only made the awkwardness spread.

"Yes, the heating-bill might be the only thing worth in my monthly expenses." Alex finished her wine, before sliding her woolen sweater off.

Olivia swallowed drily, ripping her eyes off Alex's slender collarbones. "Um, I'm sorry. What bill? "

Alex pressed her lips together, biting back a big grin. "Dare. I chose dare this time."

"Oh, that." Olivia winked. _I dare you to…_ Breathing her inappropriate thought out, "Well…" She grabbed her drink and emptied it. "How about we do a new game? Dare? "

It surprised Alex a little bit, but, as long as the brunette was in good mood. "Why not? Surprise me."

"It's called **_Stumble Or Swallow_**. Reminiscing something we went through together, and the one who remembers more details, wins. Loser will drink."

Alex folded her arms. "A detective game, huh? "

"Yes. Scared you, counselor?"

"In your dream. Shoot."_ God, we definitely are drunk!_

Olivia kept looking at those cutely stubborn eyes, suddenly had no idea what to bring up. The moments of theirs, were just countless… Even, through the hell…

Recognizing the sadness crossing those black pupils, "Remember the first time we met? When was that?" Alex started.

"Oh, that's too easy." Smile came back to her face. "It was a rainy day in July 2000. Monday. I remember." Now she could still smell the fresh air of that day.

"What did you wear that day? "

Olivia set her glass down. "Fine. You got me." _I only remember your clothes._

"You were in that famous blue T-shirt, black jeans, black boots. When I walked into the squad room, you were standing right beside your desk, back toward me, talking on the phone with one hand on your gun-holster, and the other running through your short hair. And I was like… I heard a voice inside here, saying," she pointed at her chest, "holy, crap! This is what 'butch-fabulous' looks like! "

Olivia literally choked in her own laughing. "You, are, Drunk! "

"No, not now, but I surely was at that time." She emptied her drink as if damping down the itch and awkwardness.

Olivia was still laughing badly with her hand pressing on her rib. "Butch-fabulous…for God's sake… And, and what famous shirt? What the hell was that? "

"The navy-blue T-shirt you used to wear everyday, with a white tank top under. Remember? "

_Oh, that._ "Can't believe you remember that." some soft place on her heart was touched. "And I remembered you." She sipped her wine, letting go the memories flood. "The moment I saw you…the entire squad room blacked out and then lit up." They both went silent as the sentence sinking. "Maybe it was the coat you were wearing or the color of your hair… Anyway, you were just surrounded in some undesirable highlight. It was undescribable. I never met any woman so full of energy and confidence before."

Alex blushed as those twinkling eyes staring straightly at her. "Guess I covered my nervous pretty well at the moment." She buried her face behind the glass and took another long sip. "Oh, and I remembered your dumb partner murmured 'ice-queen'... something into your ear."

"He what?" Olivia narrowed her eyes. "No way. He must be busy with picking his jaw up from the ground. You know he always has a crush on blondies."

"Oh, hell, no, not blondie,"_ he always has a crush on you._

"Anyway," Olivia cleared her throat, ripping her mind from what she didn't want to talk about, tonight. "How long we've been knowing? "

"Over ten years."

"Right. Ten…years."

Their eyes held on each other.

"Alex, " the brunette's face got serious, "I really want to say, thank you, for…so much you have done for me." Her voice choked with sudden emotion. "How, why, I deserve these? Deserve you? "

Alex's hand found the brunette's. "No, it would be me to feel grateful here, cuz it is so beautiful, so happy to have such a precious journey of my life with you, Liv. The thought of you might never let me in, scared me. "

"No, I was scared, I am scared." eyes on their holding hands, Olivia talked like murmuring to herself. "All my life, I never allowed myself to truly rely on someone, anyone. You know. But the scary thing here, is that's what I'm doing now." moving her eyes slowly up to the woman aside, she fought the lump in her throat. "I have shifted too much of self-bing to you, Alex. What if one day you get tired, bored, and run away just like the others? I can't- there's no way I could survive that, cuz I don't have that much left now…"

"Shut up. You have me, Olivia, always and forever." She grasped the brunette's tense fingers. "I think I fell for you since we first met, Ms butch-fabulous."

"…No, don't, please…" Olivia shook head. "How do you know it's not just your pity or…" Her sentence died as Alex's tender lips blocked its exit. Then, here came Alex's warm palms gently cupped her cheeks.

"Feel it. Pity or love?" The blond whispered as their lips separated briefly for getting air.

And their next kiss was long, sincere and affectionate, which not only lightened Olivia's head but also weighted her breath, which filled with an unspeakable communication, empathy, heart-wracking and soul-tangling.

Olivia dropped her chin as seeing her hand was held and leaded to Alex's bare chest. That skin was so moist, hot, solid-butter-like, as well as the rhythmical beats against beneath, stopped Olivia's breathing.

"Right here," Alex breathed, waiting for the brown eyes to meet hers, "is where hurt the most whenever you shut me out."

"… I'm sorry, honey, I never meant to. I, never…" With her view blurred, Olivia lowered her kissed down to Alex's neck, then, collarbone…

Eventually…

The blond held still when Olivia's hand found one of her breasts.

Olivia froze, too, staring at the rise and fall of that chest. _What the hell am I doing?_

Though, in her now unfocused vision, Alex's trembling hands slid those black lace straps down her shoulders inch by inch, until those entire pair of breasts exposed.

"You… want me, Liv?"

That simple question spoiled Olivia's blood in a second. "God, yes… you're so beautiful…"

Before the first moan seeping out of Alex's mouth, she felt Olivia's tender tongue slid in her mouth. "Let me see you." carefully, her hand reached to unbutton Olivia's shirt.

The brunette's muscles tensed.

"Honey, it's okay. I've seen it before, remember?" Her thumb gently caressed Olivia's hand, which was still had the warmth of hers.

Olivia let out the breath she'd been holding too long. "Let me." She silently took off her shirt and removed her bra.

Their naked body met each other.

Alex's heart shrank in huge gratefulness. "This means so much to me, honey… And, and I'm not gonna lie to you, Liv. These scars stab my heart heard. Every one of them…" very slowly and carefully, Alex's hand touched the large scar on her chest.

And she let her.

"…but also, they're beautiful to me, cuz I remembered how horrible the bleeding used to be like, making me to believe that I'd lose you forever…"

Olivia closed her eyes as the blond tearing up. "I'm here, silly, right here with you…" She deepened her kiss, feeling her breast in those shaky fingers.

They cupped each other's softness, squeezing when feeling the squeeze, rubbing when feeling the rub… until both of them on the edge of suffocated.

"Liv, babe, " Alex finally pushed them apart to catch her breath. "I, I uh…"

Olivia's held still. _I should stop?_

Alex giggled in a shyly curse. "So stupid…I mean, I really have no idea what to do or how."

She laughed.

"Hey, it's not funny!" She slapped Olivia's back playfully.

"Okay, okay, " Olivia pressed her lips together, gazing deeply into those beautiful blue eyes. "Just… you sure about this? I'm drunk, no kidding, I really am. And you're not even… _gay_. "

"Yeah, yes I'm sure. … you? "

Their eyes locked, hearts beating against each other's bare chest.

"Then just relax and feel this…"

This time, Alex let go of her moan when one of her nipples sucked in Olivia's mouth while the other was kneaded in a gentle hand. "Ummmm, Liv…" It was her first time feeling a woman's tongue on her boob, so soft, so tender…which instantly set fires on her body. And the fire spread so crazily that almost burnt down her sanity and blew away her weight in a twinkling of an eye. Before she knew it, fluid had flooded the secret-garden in between her legs.

_Oh…_

Alex closed eyes. She never thought, not even in her wildest dream, that a woman's touching would cause such an earthquake of her body.

_How can we see each other tomorrow morning after this_- Her brain shut down as the hot kisses on her body moving down… ribs, belly, bikini line…

"Liv,"

"Huh?"

Their eyes met.

Alex quickly lifted a hand to stroke that short brown hair, soothing the unnecessary worry seeping through. _Just… I never tried oral things before…_ Instead, she leaned up. "Kiss me."

Olivia did. And to her, at this moment literally every single heavy breath and moaning coming from the blond woman, was both foreign and familiar, both a hard blow and itchy scratch on her melting heart.

Suddenly, Olivia couldn't seal her moan anymore as the counselor tensed her legs close and cried out her name.

"Liv…"

Both of them stilled.

Olivia felt her blood froze in a second, awaring that the warmth surrounding her middle finger, was Alex's body. **_Gosh, I'm inside of her, of Alex?_**

Meanwhile, the blond was breathless, too. Palm on Olivia's hot cheek, she read her own shocked face mirrored in those dark widened pupils. It was crazy. Her, them, tonight… Is this real? All her life, she never had a sex driving her so crazily fast to the edge. She swore to God, maybe just one move and she would probably come.

Well, to Olivia, _**"I'm inside of Alex Cabot"**_ was the only thing her mind could comprehend, but even this simple thought didn't exist long after feeling Alex's hand on her clit.

Just like that, everything somehow turned straightly mirrored as they started to do exactly the same things they felt to the other, and silently asked for more of whatever felt good… Within a minute, this amazing interacted coach had almost driven Alex to the top. God, she was shocked by the way Olivia's finger-pulp pressing and rubbing over and over again on the most sensitive spot of her vagina, which magically kept pushing her closer and closer to the orgasm. Just before she came, Alex couldn't help but quicken her movement on Olivia's clit. "Oh, Liv, you're making me come…May I… I want my... inside you..."

Somewhere in Olivia's heart cracked with that breathless demanding. "God, yeah…"

"You sure? "

"Yes. Shut up and fuck me."

"Mmmm, come with me-"

...

So,

…it was.

Like all the ghosts hunted in their lives from time to time, here just came another one. To be specific, when both of them, as well as the entire universe, couldn't seem more right, more perfect… things went right up side down in a blink of an eye.

One second Alex was so ready for the heaven and the next second a loud **_BANG_** shocked her eyes widely open :

The brunette was on the floor now, pale as a ghost, cowering against the coffee table and trembling badly like some terrified animal. Worse than that, blood was slowly oozing from her hair line.

"What the-." But Alex immediately realized that something must be wrong, spotting the brunette acting like totally deaf or not even here.

Yes. Olivia wasn't here anymore. That was just a shell filled with terror and coldness.

_Okay, Okay, she's having some flashbacks. No sudden move nor physical touch._ "Olivia, can you hear me? It's Alex. You're safe here, ok?" guilt and heartache overwhelmed her. _Fuck. What the hell have you done!_ "Liv? Look at me. Look… No one's gonna hurt you. You were just having a panic attack…" Ignoring her pounding heart, the blond did everything her experiences told, silently praying for not causing any further unexpected episode.

Luckily, seemed she got the right approaching.

The brunette's eyes slowly focused up. Alex carefully wrapped her arms around that shaking body. "Good, good, come here. You're fine now. You like being hold? I'll warm you up, babe. Warm you up…"

With smooth rubbing on her back, Olivia slowly hugged back and let herself cry. "I-I heard… I thought…"

"Ok, Ok, let it out…I'm so sorry, I pushed too hard."

Her head was shaking. "Sorry...It was me. I thought I could do this, but…"

"No. It was me. I never… God, I should've known better." _It's only been two months and I started the drink, make out, even sex…_

"You didn't do anything thing wrong. It's me… It could've been a good night, our night…, but I ruined it."

"Don't say that,"

She didn't finish, and Olivia had pushed them apart, leaning to her cane. "I-I think I gonna be sick."

"Ok, ok, but careful. You hit your head on the table when you fell."

In a rush, they wrapped in a blanket and made it to the toilet before Olivia dropped down and threw up.

Alex's view blurred. _She was right. It could have been such a perfect night…_, Her legs were still weak from their previous love making, which, only deepened the painful stabbing on her heart.

"It's over now. You're alright now. C' here." Finally, when the brunette finished, Alex grabbed a nearest towel, gently wiped away the sweat on her forehead.

Olivia slowly catches on her breath, doing everything she could to force down the lump in her throat. Deep inside, she had more than thousand of words to talk to the woman she just failed cruelly, though, none of them could turn voice by neither her choking lungs nor the trembling lips. More than that, she couldn't even let herself huddle in that warm embrace as if seeking soothing redemption which she didn't deserve at all.

"I… need a moment, alone."

Thinking quickly, Alex went through whatever Olivia might do if she leaves her alone. "It's midnight, honey. How about we go to sleep before catching cold? "

"Just five minutes, please…I take a quick shower."

Alex bowed her head._ It was almost begging. Damn._ Being a prosecutor who always supposed to be convincible and smart, now she just totally had no idea of how to say or what to do, for the language was basically useless to this kind of frustration and sorrow. Yes, she could tell her that the failure of sex was nothing, tell her that they better stop self-blaming and give whatever going on here some time… She could say a lot, only couldn't leave a fact ignored that all of these Olivia gotta knew clearly better.

Eventually, the blond grabbed a robe and ready to leave. Maybe they both needed some time alone. A short while didn't harm.

Though, "I feel kinda obliged to say this, anyway," just one second after walking herself out, Alex pushed the door back open. "I'm pretty sure that after tonight, I can stop wondering if I'm gay. Well, at least bisexual… because… I really like our love-making, for it felt so right. Can't be more right…before, you know…" she choked, at the same time seeing Olivia covered her mouth in sobbing. "You like it, too? "

With that, Olivia only sobbed worse.

"You know I lov-"

"Alex!" Before that L-word came out, Olivia cut it off in time. **_I think we made a mistake. All these, never should've happened at all. .. _**Though, only thinking about that already broke her heart. Still, she spotted hurt accumulated in those blue eyes as the blond excusing herself out.

This time, the door didn't reopen.

This time, Olivia reached directly to her coat pocket, decisively, desperately, as if some dehydrated animal running to water.

_**Oh, FUCK!**_

Founding the emptiness, she tightly gripped the drug bottle in hand, and gripped harder, tighter, until feeling too tired to yell… Reopening eyes, Olivia coached herself to breath in, breath out, and then put the little bottle back in pocket. _There's always a way to get this. Always…_

Suddenly, something in the corner of her pocket touched her fingertip. A pill?

Yes. Though, it was pink, oval, definitely not hers.

_How the hell I got this?_ Running through her memories wildly, she locked that dealer she met in the clinic restroom. _Can't be anyone else_.

Olivia dropped her eyelids. The cop in her was laughing, despising this stupid newbie dealer, though, what her body just did totally opposite.

_Orange flavor, huh? So, that's what they put in heroin, or cocaine?_

**(TBC)**

* * *

><p><strong>Wow, what a night! My heart broke for both A &amp; O. What do you think?<strong>

**Please tell me.**

**And even more twists are on the way, if that's what you want. :)**


	35. Chapter 35

**First of all, I have to thank all my dear readers. You'll never know how much a review means to me. I really appreciate all the precious support and love you gave to me! **

**And due to some health issue, lately I spent a lot time in hospital. So, this chapter is a little bit long, hope you don't mind, and I'm sorry for keeping you waiting so long. I really wanted to write faster and deeper, but have to admit that to manage a long story is truly beyond my expectation. **

**Anyway. Olivia is doing drug, and her condition kinda worried us more and more. So what's next? **

**Spoiler alert: **

**I feel this story is heading to AO eventually, sorry for EOers, but I'm doing my best to make things natural and believable. But probably Elliot will go a little bit OOC for the EO fans, though, it's fine for me:) **

**Ok. Please read and review! So I could accomplish this story faster. **

**Thanks again.**

* * *

><p>CHPTER 35<p>

(One Month Later)

FRIDAY

* * *

><p>-<strong>After<strong>-

**-**_Midnight**-**_

Olivia never expected to come back to the 16th Precinct in this way, at this time.

* * *

><p><strong>-Before-<strong>

"Hey, babe."

Holding the phone with her shoulder and cheek, Olivia smiled at Alex Cabot's voice with that familiar high-heels clacking came through. "Hey. You arrived?"

"Yeah. Just landed. You have no idea how dry this place is. My hair got crazily fluffy as some…lion's manes."

Olivia giggled. "I definitely gotta go to Vegas with you someday."

"Yeah, Frankenstein and Lion-King walking side by side, huh?" She smiled with the brunette's chuckle. "What're you doing now? It's dinner time already. Don't tell me you're still working on the translation job. "

Hands off the keyboard quickly, "No, of course not. I just finished my pasta, and gonna iron our clothes, actually." Olivia leaned backward as if being caught.

"Oh, that's sweet. Thanks. "

Olivia felt a little guilty with that lie. "I'm glad that I finally have time for these things. Told you I found housework's lovely."

"Just, don't over do it, ok? "

"Stop worrying, Lex. Only a week. I'll survive. "

"Sorry. Just…it's the first time you're on your own. "

"I'm fine, honey. After you left, I eat a pasta, cleaned room, grabbed a shower, had a coffee… You got nothing to worry. "

"Ok, so, we both be safe and good, alright? "

"Yes, mom. Have a great time there. "

"Yeah. See ya. Oh, one more thing, " before hung up, she added quickly. "I found one of the bedroom windows is a little bit broken. Forgot to tell you. Anyway, just leave it, ok? Could be dangerous. I'll take care of it after this conference."

Olivia's eyes flew over to the bedroom. "Oh, how bad? Can't be shut? "

"No no no, not that bad. Just hard to open and close entirely. Maybe the frame is a little warped or something. But I already forced it lock. Just don't try to open it. "

"Ok, got it. "

"Alright… and you sure it's a good idea to go to the clinic by cab tomorrow?"

"Alex, please..."

"Ok, fine. Just, if you change your mind, please let me know. Will ya?"

"Sure I will."

For a short while, none of them spoke, both thinking about the same thing :

_Really?_

"I gotta go. Talk to you before sleep."

"Yeah, see you."

Lying her phone down, Olivia closed eyes tightly. Damn. To describe either their relationship or the way they being with each other, the first word came up, was "awkward".

And whenever she felt this, she felt like an ass.

_Shit_.

Olivia frowned with her temples' throbbing.

_God. Focus. It's Friday already. Gotta finish another two chapters translation in two days, otherwise…_

She pushed off the desk and grabbed her cane in hand. Coffee. Hard one. That was what she needed right now, before her body began to think about something else. Literally, it'd been two days since the last time she used. And every time she counted, her mind flew directly to the small pack left in her pocket. There were still three pills there.

Three, evil, pills.

Though, she still hadn't dumped them, yet.

_Focus on the job. Damn._

_Five hundred words an hour. So, still need at least…20 hours to get everything done, and, need time to recheck…_

Olivia forced her mind back. But soon, she was aware of that probably she couldn't manage anything anymore today, cuz her mind kinda started its pointless spinning again. Recently, she'd been through this inability concentration a lot. When it began, all the tiny little damn details in her life would pop out and accumulate into a noisy storm in her brain.

Like what happened now :

_-"I'm really bad at picking present, but… anyway. Happy birthday, Liv."_

Out of nowhere, Elliot Stabler's voice echoed in her head as she taking the first sip of her coffee.

_-"A key? "_

_-"I divorced, officially. And I uh, bought a shop. If you wanna… be a part of it, it's yours."_

_..._

Shaking head, Olivia took another big swallow to wash away the flashback. Some birthday… Too much dramas. Too much for her to handle. Alex, Elliot… she just didn't have a clue about what to do or not do, for things felt like walking on some minefield. One wrong step, and everything got blew up.

But one thing she knew for sure:

She never took charity love.

Or guilty love, pity love… whatever it was. For now, the L word itself was too luxurious for her.

…

Yes. Olivia somehow learnt to see the bright side of her new life: simplification.

A night without bad dream, a meal with some appetite, a move without pain…were all blessing. And bad days? She'd just accept and live with it. Back to one year ago, she would never imagine that life could be just as simple as she lived now.

And when she got all the things above, she also heard the happy rhythm of failure: as you accepted the reality that something was meant to lose, you could finally stop aching for it.

Amen.

That was why Olivia never felt so free.

So free.

Well, to be honest, this freedom did come with sorrow and sorry, which she clearly tasted it every time she turned her back to the blond. It was not that she regretted about their line-crossing, no, actually, neither of them did. They were just lost in some terrified and awkward middle of nowhere, no matter how hard they pretended they weren't.

You just couldn't go back, couldn't go on, couldn't stay still.

That was why their seven days separation somehow seemed welcomed, in an unspoken way, secretly.

Dammit. Go back to work. The brunette ordered herself. And before knew it, she had sat back in her chair, with a job-seeking website staring back at her.

_Okay, just in case I get fired._

_Time to get a job, maybe?_

_A real one._

Though, new question came quickly.

Just…Where to click? She felt like a completely idiot for never really thought about this situation:

Without her badge, what the hell could she be exactly?

* * *

><p>"Son of a bitch! "<p>

That was what Olivia spat out as she scrambling to the nearest light switch, and threw her weight on the wall for supporting.

_Shit. Fuck!_

She wondered since when a lamp light wasn't good enough in the dark.

Besides frustration, exhaustion and upset, Olivia was so mad at her suddenly freaking out, which heavily slapped away all the confident and free she felt several hours ago about being alone.

_It's only twilight falling. Stop acting like some 5-year-old._

She told herself many times, imaging what Alex's would say if she was here. Though, that still did no good as her senses got ten times sensitive than they used to be. It felt like every pore of her body was so full of ears and eyes, turning every tiny noise, movement and light of this house horrific and unreal.

_The window._

Just one thought popped, and thousand break-in crime scenes flooded in her mind. Women got kidnapped, raped, tortured, killed… after someone broke in through the window. And all the blood pools, chaos…

Before she knew it, she had stood right in front of the broken window, scanning on it inch by inch.

_Lock is good. _

_Frame is fixable. _

_And can't be forced open. Can it?_

_What if someone comes with a glass-cutter? _

_God, this place is totally wild open…!_

_Yeah, great, the world is always running by rules to a counselor. _

_We need…_

_We-_

All of a sudden, Olivia's eyes stayed still when focusing on her own face reflected in the glass.

It was foreign and familiar, for it seemed nothing like her, Olivia Benson, but some insane, crazy woman's frightened eyes staring back at her.

Oh…

She didn't even know how she ended up curling up in the bed, with only one word rambling in her brain—crazy, crazy, crazy…

Olivia never felt so clear that her mental status was literally tottering.

_I can't be like this. I can't…_

Biting down emotions, she forced herself to get up, and turned on all the lights of this apartment, one by one, as well as the TV.

After all these, she sat back in front of the laptop like some robot.

_Where was I? _

_Right, applications._

…

_Yeah, waitress, maybe?_

_Good. I've been dreaming of working in a coffee shop all my life, and now it's coming. Not bad, huh?_

_Yes, great. _

_Great!_

Though, instead of smiling, Olivia felt her nose twitched. The next second, the cellphone was already in her hand.

_Please, pick up, pick up, pick up-_

"Hey, sweetie. "

The moment hearing Alex's voice, Olivia covered her mouth, fighting the sudden lump in her throat. "Hi." she managed.

"What's going on? You're crying or… Is everything ok? "

"I'm good, good." She swallowed to calm her shaky voice. "I just… m-" but she stopped, for someone was obviously calling Alex's name and trying to introduce people to her.

"Liv, hold on a sec."

"No, no, you go. I-I'll call you later. "

"Seriously, what happened? You ok?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. Just, need to hear your voice. I guess."

"Okay… Sorry, I ah, … I'm in the middle of something now. I'll call you back, k?"

"Yeah, bye. "

She had to hang up in a rush, before sobbed out. Though, just when she was about to let go of her emotion, someone knocked on the front door.

* * *

><p>Pressing a sweaty hand to her chest, "Who's there?" Olivia did her best to remain calm.<p>

"Miss Benson?"

What the hell? Her cane was trembling slightly in her hand. So, it was a strange man knew exactly who she was.

"You know Alex's boyfriend? That's me."

Boyfriend? Olivia's mind ran fast. Suddenly, she widened eyes.

"It's Ryan, Ryan McAlinden. Please, let me in. I just come to say hello."

She frowned. She never expected that Alex's worst ex would come. "Alex's not here."

"She isn't? But I have something to give to her, actually. So, please."

"What do you want, Ryan? She had to move out because of your harassment months ago. And I'll call the police if you don't go." Her voice raised, though deep down, she was ashamed and shocked by how terrified she felt now talking to a strange man.

"Olivia? Please. She's my girlfriend."

"Nice try. But you two were so over, and stop trying this!"

"Liv-"

"Don't call me like this."

"Ok, ok… So I leave it here. Alright? I'm leaving. Tell Alex I miss her."

Olivia waited a long while, until the entire building had no noise left except for her own television.

She opened the door slowly, and peeped out like some cautious deer.

There was a small paper box lying on the ground.

Carefully, the brunette bent down and picked it up. That felt light.

A ring? She narrowed eyes, opening the box.

It was a photo.

On the picture, that smiling asshole held Alex tightly in his arms.

_Just came to give back a stupid photo?_

The detective inside her doubted his real purpose.

_He must know that Alex's not here._

_So?_

…

Suddenly, a chill ran down Olivia's spine as she recalling what this ass did for a living.

_Journalist._

_So the God damn scavenger is after me._

_…Of course._

Something buried deeply in her mind, now felt like about to explode.

* * *

><p>"What the…" Elliot's heart sank, when the third call tonight couldn't get through. Thought for a second, he had grabbed the car key and rushed out.<p>

It was raining outside. But instead of heading back for an umbrella, he ducked into his car directly.

While starting the engine, he tried Alex's number again, and cursed when it went to voice mail for another time.

"Damn." He put down the phone.

It couldn't be more inane to call someone on the other side of the country now, let alone, she had given him a spare key before she left, just in case.

_Okay…It's already…10 p.m. Maybe she's just asleep._

Though, it still felt so wrong that even the home-phone had no answer.

_One look, just._ He decided. If the window was dark, then he'd just turn back. _…Or not?_

The entire way, this debate never stopped in his head, until the moment seeing Alex's apartment building.

Spotting the certain window, his eyes widened.

The light was on.

Shit.

Leaving the elevator, he found himself ran up three steps at a time.

"Olivia?…You still up? It's me, Elliot. …Open the door!"

He waited, but except for his own heart pounding, nothing audible.

After a minute, he was pretty sure that most of the neighbors must be stirred. That was when he dug out the key and got in.

As the door slammed open, Elliot's jaw dropped to see every light of this house was brightly on, while Olivia was nowhere to be seen.

However, he calmed down as soon as the cop instinct kicking in.

_Good, no force entry, no disorder._

_Where are you, Liv?_

* * *

><p>"Olivia!…Olivia!"<p>

Roughly wiping away the streaming water from his eyes, Elliot counted silently in his mind. Back and forth, he had checked four blocks in total, asked everyone on the street, and still, couldn't find her.

Thousand questions popped in his head like popcorn.

_She can't drive, can't run, so no way she'd make this far._

_Shit!_

_What if she fell, fainted, or hurt herself, or even …_

_God, where-_

"Olivia!" Suddenly, Elliot froze.

_You dumb ass. You know where she'd go whenever she couldn't sleep._

* * *

><p>Laying his first step on the lobby of the 16th Precinct, Elliot's gut twisted in a weird way. He knew what did this mean. It meant she was here, she was close, as if they were just one arm apart and he'd already sensed her breath or something.<p>

For all these years, he could always sense this woman, like a leaf always turned to the sunshine, or a hibernating snake smelled spring's coming. Though, if he checked himself very carefully, he'd know that things had been actually changing bit by bit. Instead of feeling "itch", he's gut twisted more in pain whenever his Benson-Radar waking up recently.

"Rick!" He ran directly to the graveyard officer.

"Oh, hey, Detective Stabler. Long time no see."

"Have you seen Olivia?" He didn't waste a second.

"Detective Benson? No. Sorry, I uh, haven't seen her since-" The young man licked his lips, "How is she?"

One quick glance at those pupils, "She's here." Elliot rushed a bee line to the squad room.

"Hey, wait! You can't-"

He ignored whatever the rookie yelled behind, focusing on his instinct and ran.

The squad room just seemed like it used to be, except for some certain desks standing there felt sharply odd with everything lying on them in perfect order. No time for sissy. Listening to his radar, Elliot rushed to the second floor, then turned directly to the graveyard-lounge.

"Hey, man, you know you're not supposed to be here. Staff only!"

The radar was beeping louder and louder…

His eyes widened.

Hand on the door knob, Elliot spotted something familiar as soon as the door opened. A cane, popping out in the dark cold room with its silvery color, leaned against the edge of the crib, and beside that, the woman who he didn't expected to ever meet at here, again, in this way, was actually lying in her old bed.

That was HER.

She curled up into the fetus position with her face to him, sleeping soundly, he supposed, for she didn't even stir by their entry.

"Shhh." Before the young officer actually said something, Elliot had dragged both of them out. No need to ask and he'd already figured out what this was about.

"Sorry, Detective, I-I just…She was soaked and shaky and… really upset. I didn't mean to-"

"Okay, okay, Rick," Elliot interrupted the young man's explanation, "stop calling me that. I retired already. And stop apologizing. Anyway. I'm sorry. I know that we're not allowed to be in the Precinct this late without permission. And sorry for making you cover up for this. I know you're just doing your job, so, listen, she just somehow sneaked in, fetching her old stuff, and you didn't see anything, hear anything, k? I'll take her back before work time, not gonna get you in trouble. I promise."

* * *

><p>"Um…"<p>

Elliot opened eyes with a slight moaning, awaring of her stirring. Right away, he got up from the hard crib and came directly to her bedside, making as less noise as he could.

She was still asleep, breathing rapidly, while her body flinched unconsciously under the blanket.

_Must be nightmare. _"Liv. Liv? Wake up." He gently put a hand on her upper arm, swallowed hard as feeling the tension in her muscles. "Olivia, you're dreamin-"

She slammed eyes open.

"Hey, hey, it's me."

Brown eyes slowly making contact. "wh-… El…?"

Before he knew it, she had pushed up, throwing herself straightly into his embrace.

This sudden, desperate hug kinda both surprised and relieved Elliot. "Easy, easy…Alright,…Shhhh, bad dream, huh? I know. I know…You're safe. Look around, take a look. See? Yeah…That's right. You're at the Precinct, in your old spot even, and I'm here. I got you…"

It actually took her a while to notice that she was crying, cuz all her concentration was thrown to learn her surroundings and comprehend what she'd been hearing.

Finally, her heart slowly sank back down from her throat. "I'm… fine now. Thanks, El." She breathed, still couldn't let go of the feeling of being wrapped tightly by his strong arms.

"Wanna talk about it?" He waited, but wasn't surprised as her head shaking.

She pushed apart. "How… What're you doing here?"

He noticed her wince. "You ok? Where hurts?"

Her head hurt. But she didn't want him to know. "I'm fine. Could you, uh, give me some tissue, please?"

He glanced around, walking to the small desk beside the door and turning on the light. As he came back with the paper box in hand, she had gotten herself sat up on the edge of bed, feet on the ground.

His eyes locked on the mud stain on her pants. _She fell?_

"Thanks." Olivia couldn't help but attempt to hide her face due do the sudden brightness. She quietly cleaned up her face. And when she reached for another tissue, their hands touched.

He withdrew before she did.

"I got it." She lifted face, flashed a tiny smile.

"Alright."

Their eyes made contact for just one second, and his heart skipped a beat. _God, her pupils…_ But he covered the surprise nicely, taking over the nearest trash-can. "You cold?"

She sniffed in a nod. "A little."

"Let me." He took the blanket and wrapped her into it.

"How did you know I'm here?"

And he told her, watching her reaction carefully.

"Sorry for worrying you. I should've at least sent you a message."

He let out a relieved breath. "Yes. You know how paranoid a cop could be."

"Have some faith in me? I'm a big girl." She raised an eyebrow.

"I do. But I got scared to death once, makes me jumpy. I mean, I don't baby you or stalk,"

"Elliot, I know." She stopped him.

"Need some space? I'll leave if-"

"No, don't go." The answer was a little bit too fast.

"Ok, then. I'd love to spend some time here, with you." Secretly, his heart beat a pleasure rhythm. "You still look tired though. Wanna go back to sleep? It's still night."

"I'm fine. Actually, it's a nice sleep, before turned bad… you know."

"Only 4 hours? Seriously, how bad the nightmares are?" He waited in deeply concern, but seemed she didn't want to talk about this. "Why came here? Is it the first time you do this?" He shifted the topic.

Her eyes closed slowly. "Is it just me or… Do you feel this room smell unique?" She sounded like sinking into her own thoughts.

He didn't expect that. "Unique, how?"

"It's… hard to put on words, just, I miss the smell."

He tried. "Well, smells like laundry room to me."

"Feels…home to me, I think." She breathed deeply in. "Makes me kinda….feel lost… Yeah, lost…" her side face to him, skin shined slightly in the moonlight. "First night spending alone at home, and I couldn't even take the dark. Can you believe that?… I freaked out like some 5-year-old. Shit."

His heart ached in her calm and emotionless voice. "You could have called me."

But she acted like didn't hear him, kept staring out of the window. "I tried to find a job, on the Internet…but… I didn't even know where to go. You know that kind of website, felt like… an ocean or something. All kinds of positions, businesses…" That was when she sounded sad. "Can you imagine how grateful and frustrated it is, to feel immediately complete and alive when I got here? People devote lives to some certain things, family, kids, and I catch the bad guys. But now I got nothing…,And... This place, is just doing everything to remind me the huge difference of between being a simple cop and being… whatever I am now. I don't understand…All I ask, is to be just a normal cop. How come it is too much to ask for? … How come…? Elliot,"

He met her gazing as she turning to him. Those eyes broke his heart.

"I used to wish," She continued, "that I… we, could really just be Detective Elliot and Olivia for a life time, which means that less of one day, one hour, doesn't make a life time…"

His heart bled out.

The next second, she was in his arms, feeling his gentle fingers caressing on the back of her head.

"Only change never changes, Liv. Nothing remains forever." He held her tighter, feeling her head shook agains his chest.

"You know what does remain forever?" Her tongue got sarcastic. "Injustice."

He narrowed eyes, slowly leaned back, eyeing her.

"Don't you feel the same? Police work, forensics, trial…even execution, can't bring justice. Elliot, I took those bastards' lives, and they took mine, didn't they? … Tell me that what I did for all these years actually mean something, anything, cuz I start to doubt it… I really do."

He went speechless. Deep inside, it pinched the most sensitive and hidden spot of his heart.

"Liv," Elliot held her sad staring. "You're right, and wrong. We're only human. We build this system, make rules, do whatever we can and hope to keep the world livable, but the real judge is God, only God. Yes, justice may come late, but it never, ever is absent as long as you keep pursuing. You know what I'm saying? I'm talking about your moving on, and building up a whole new happy life. I think that is what the real meaning of justice."

Her voice was shaky. "But how? I feel so…empty."

"You know how, Liv. You've seen hundreds vics got through this journey and I bet the first thing you told them to do, was to talk." He paused to let the words sink, observing her face carefully. "Liv, you haven't said anything to the shrink, have you?"

She bowed head.

"Ok… What about Alex?" He frowned, watching her turned away. "How long can you hold everything inside and not being smashed?!" He gritted teeth for not raising voice to her. "Then, tell me… It's me, Liv. Look at me."

She couldn't.

"Whatever you want to say. Anything… We used to talk everything, remember? You trust- I mean, would you trust me for another time?"

"I do trust you, El, I still do."Her tears gathered. "But it's… not about trust."

"Then about what?"

Her head shook. "What happened, happened. I don't want you, Alex, or anyone to picture those images, then see me different ever since, because it's just pointless. Nothing's gonna change."

"I'm already… pictured. Sorry. I've been doing this self-torture painfully and secretly in hundred different ways, going through those possible details based on the limited info I'm too coward to know about… And I can't take this anymore, Olivia, rather than killing myself with slow poison, now I'm aching for the truth. It may save both of us from the cliff. You know that." He observed her reaction, which apparently showing her guard cracked. "Maybe just start with…" he decided to give it a try. "How did you end up here tonight?" He waited, but she only closed eyes. "Liv, you fell, at least once, didn't you? You've been crying."

Her eyes moved down to her pants, along with her confused hand slowly reaching her left knee. It felt apparently bruised. "I…maybe I…" her mind stumbled across every corner of her fuzzy memory. Cars, lights, cold, rain and wind… and her hand on something cold…a car-door. Yes, she slammed the door shut with a bang. "Ah," the throbbing pain in her head suddenly rose, as she realized getting out of a car might be the only thing she remembered since escaping from that apartment. "I-I don't remember."

_What the…_ "You don't remember?"

"I... got out the elevator, walked outside, and… probably caught a cab? I-I…" she met his gazing briefly, before buried her head in both hands. "I don't remember. I can't…my head is killing me!"

Swallowing hard, Elliot wrapped a gentle arm around her quivering body, slowly, very slowly, and whispered. "It's ok. It's ok… You're just tired…" _What's wrong with her?_ _  
><em>

Holding his thousand questions in bay, Elliot just hugged his former partner in silence, giving the peace she needed.

It was her, who broke the moment. "I watched that video."

Her voice was so freaking calm that creeped him.

He froze, leaning back to read her face.

Her eyes slowly lifted.

"From he ripped my clothes off, to the last second he was done. I replayed three times… without dropping a single tear."

Shock and nausea suffocated Elliot._ What …? Why…_ The way she stated everything, was so emotionless, so cold, as if it was just a damn lunch she was talking about here.

"It felt so…" Her eyes were blank. "…So…foreign, like it wasn't me, wasn't my body…cuz I…I really don't remember any of that, Elliot. Any of that." The last word was hardly a whisper, as her questioning staring searching back and forth in his pupils.

"What do you remember?"

"I remember…I woke up in the dark, and he was…he, he…" her face seemed obviously sickened, while her eyes oddly held his. "He came into my mouth. That was when I bit him. Yeah…I bit him so damn hard that all the blood salty and fishy, immediately rushed down my… th-throa-" Before finished, she'd jerked away and grunted.

Almost at the same time, Elliot had grabbed the trash can.

"God, Olivia…"

His heart hurt like being stabbed and squeezed. _Is this what you want? _

There wasn't any food-remain came out beside some yellow-bile-like thing. And now he understood.

Gently rubbing her back in a circle, Elliot deepen his own breath, doing the best to calm his turning stomach, despite the heart was truly where hurt the most, cuz watching her suffering, he didn't even know what to say… or do. _Sorry? _Or, or the _it's-over-now-Everything-will-be-fine_ crap?

Finally, when it stopped, she collapsed to him, leaning against that broad shoulder and sobbed.

A long while no one said anything. To Elliot, some voice kept echoing in his ears:

_So, that's why he did all the brutal things to her, and why… the baby could be no one's but mine._

It sickened him. He pushed apart. "I'm so sorry…,"

She shook head a little, murmuring like self-talking. "Things are making sense now. Why those kids recognized me and, talked, like they just ran into a porn-star; why that damn reporter showed up…"

"Reporter?"

"He's," she bit back, not wanting him to know about Alex's ex. "Just came for digging…I didn't let him in, and he left."

_That must reminded her about that video._ He took a breath. "God, I'm so sorry, Liv. We should've done better on damage control."

"It's Internet. The sewer of human desire…maybe I should move, the further the better. Like, Alaska?"

"Yeah, that's an option, or China. Huang actually told me once that he knew someone working in Chinese immigration."

A sad smile crossed her lips. "Yeah, maybe there's some secret place called American-Victims-Town."

He watched her carefully as she calling herself victim. "Liv," taking a breath, he got serious. "Even if you wanna hunt every the people who watched that, I'll help you and hide their bodies. But the problem is, what you can not hide from, Liv. Eventually, you gotta live with yourself."

Face clouded, she looked away quietly. His words kinda both moved and irritated some certain weak spot in her heart. "You're right. I feel like trapped in a foreign body… especially when I… I found out." she swallowed drily, as if forcing down another wave of nausea, "…that I was fully conscious, during the rape. My eyes were open, Elliot," she turned back to him, head shaking in disbelief, "…my fucking eyes were wild open but I didn't fight back. I just stayed there like some dead fish lying on a chopping board and let him rape me!"

"Liv, you were injured, lost so much blood."

She didn't seem hear him. "I gave up. I just froze…Anyone, but me." Her head kept shaking back and forth slightly. "Why… God, I don't even remember any of that shit until… I really thought he didn't…not that way! …not…like that…." Her entire body tensed up.

"What why? What he did?"_ You really want to hear?_ His teeth chewed so hard on the inside of his low-lip while tasted salty instead of pain.

She was gasping now, reddened eyes filled with boiling tears while twisted the bed-sheet painfully in her shaking hands.

"That beast… he sucked my blood out from the wound on my chest, like some… bloodthirsty animal, and…he spitted it out as… as lu-lubricant…"

"Oh, no…" No need to continue. He gathered her into embrace and let her cry.

"Thank you," when she seemed getting exhausted, Elliot took a tissue and brought it to her, "...for open up, to me." To his surprise and pleasure, she didn't resist as he drying her tears. "I'm grateful, he's dead and you survived. You're still here with me."

"I don't." It was barely a whisper. She apart from him, eyeing down. "If I could choose, I'd rather die in the woods. El, die a fighter's death, fearlessly, the way all the decent cops did, than live this…pointless life."

It was irritating. "Pointless? You ARE a fighter, Liv. I'll never forget the day I saw you lying in the snow field so lifelessly, covered with blood, which tore my heart into pieces…And now you've beaten death, paralysis, and back on your feet again. Isn't that something you should be proud of?"

Her silence hurt his heart.

"I just feel devastated." She finally said.

"So, that's why you do drugs?" Out of the blue, he heard it our of his mouth.

She froze for a second, before roughly grabbed her cane and stumbled away from his protective arm. "What?! So you done with inducing my confession, now you're enjoying patronizing me?!"

This sudden movement and growl, sent spinning stars in her eye-vision.

"Liv!" He caught her shaking body, just before she hit the ground.

Gripping on his shirt. "I'm fine… low BP…get off me." Anger was still waving in her broken voice.

He helped her up, supporting her weight. "C'mon, you need to sit down."

As they did, Olivia brushed his hands off.

Staring at those hands which just being pushed back, Elliot had no idea where to put them. "Didn't mean to upset you. Sorry."

"Elliot," she said with her eyes closed. "I don't think we can keep talking about this anymore today. I'm tired."

_Tired…_ _Old excuse_. "Olivia, look at me."

She didn't.

"I just want you to look me in the eye. Tell me you're clean."

"I gotta go."

"No," he blocked her way. "You're losing memories, and your pupils barely responded to the damn light, you know that? Just tell me, what is it? Painkiller, heroin, amphetamine? For how long? I'm worried sick about-"

"What the fuck?! I said I'm done talking!"

"You tell me what the fuck. Guess you need to ease the pain or, or the nightmares, but it only makes things worse, you know that!"

"Shut up and walk away!"

She tried to get on her feet, but failed by his muscular arms.

Just a second, Elliot regretted this struggle and quickly let go of her trembling shoulder. As soon as got free, she used all her strength to push him on the chest.

With that, his upper body moved a little, and she ended up sitting there, breathlessly.

"Liv," he crouched down.

"Screw you!" Damn. She wished she could just growl as loud as she used to. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

His heart twisted seeing her fighting tears. "Because I can't just stand by and watch your self-destruction. I… love you, Liv."

She scanned his eyes. "Wow…could you… seriously?" Bitter disbelief hang on the corner of her mouth.

It hurt. "Laughable?" His face burned up and straightened. "I mean it."

Out of nowhere, it raised her anger again. "What's the problem with you? I don't get it, Elliot. You bother to explain? Wh-What kind of love and why? I, I, don't comprehend."

Some part of him knew clearly that it might not be a good time to bring up this again, though he just couldn't bear her rejection. "You understand. I bet. You know it from the first day we met."

"Oh, shut up. I can't…I don't have this conversation with you all over again." Shaking head, she squeezed her eyes tightly closed as if shutting him out.

"Liv, I divorced, I'm free now. We can start a whole new life-"

"Stop it! Stop. You have any idea what this sounded to me? I… I can't do that. Sorry. And here it is. I can't take it." She pulled out the key he gave to her from her pocket.

As soon as her hand opened up, Elliot jumped to his feet and walked away. "Gee... Why? Olivia, why? We meant to be together!"

"You really don't get it? Hey, look at me. Me, already being fucking single for 39 years, and no one ever showed me any interest of building a hopeful relationship, but now you guys just popped out of nowhere and started to feed me that big fat L-word!? Why?! How?! I'm so fucking confused." She ignored how the tears falling like pouring rain, and stood up. "Where the hell was your fucking love when I year by year stayed, waited on your side, huh? You were just so addicted to play a jealous partner, play with my naive little hope and your famous forever-on-a-divorce drama, and even Detective Dani Beck…, now what makes you think you have the right to accuse me of addiction?! Or throw me this love shit?! "

He never expected she would bring up Beck, which got him sweat in shame and sting.

"You want me to look you in the eye? I'm doing that. Just like that night pinched me against the wall with your drunk ass and asked the same thing, huh?" Her merciless gazed held those watered blue eyes. "Good eye, detective. I am using, a junkie now… satisfied?!" She stopped to catch breath, secretly shocked by how much storaged words had rushed out.

_What did she just say? _

"So, you're using. I guess, dealer from the clinic? Jesus, Olivia..."

" …Yeah, you should have a little look at your face now. That's the what I called 'see me differently'."

"Only because I can't cut you out of my life!"

"I'm not a part of your life, Elliot, never was, never will be."

He fisted tightly, fighting the tearing pain to his heart. "Wow…Can't believe you're actually saying this after 11 years we've being together! Really, Olivia? You're that coward or you really have no fucking idea about how the two of us grew into one? You forgot the day we chose each other over that kid in Gitano case? Forgot that no matter how hard you tried but still couldn't pull the trigger to me? Forgot how we joked about giving a kidney to each other in that fucking elevator?…"

_-"I can give you a kidney."_

_-"Not before I give you mine."_

He knew she relived that dé jà vu, too.

"If you remember-"

"Stop," her eyes to the window, "We can't go back." Her tone was as cold as the freezing room.

"So we move on." He said it quickly. "What you gonna do if you were watching me walking on this death path?"

The brunette paused. "This hypothesis is pointless… I'm done talking. I gotta go."

This time, he didn't move a muscle as she slowly stood up and passed him by, until,

"Maybe I should call Alex."

Hand on the knob, she froze. "You are NOT…"

He turned, reading her glare. "Don't tell me she has no clue."

"She doesn't need to know."

"Holy Christ…" Eyes closed, Elliot pinched the bridge of his nose. "So either you learned really well from all the junkies or Cabot is a 100% dumb ass. This is her so called 'take good care of you'."

The sarcasm in his tone, made her nearly snap. "Elliot, I appreciate your company and caring tonight, but what you just said, only gave out the asshole side of you."

"You know exactly what i mean. Liv, You need to quit." His voice was steady.

They faced each other.

"Or you're gonna tell her, aren't you?"

He narrowed eyes. "Why you're so afraid of this? She's been taking care of you for so long-"

"I just don't want her to know!"

"Liv, you really believe that she's gonna look down on you? I don't. No one will."

"You're different." Her voice raised.

He looked at her.

"Elliot, please, I trust you both but… something I feel like I can only tell you. Just don't make me regret it. Don't push me so hard."

"I'm not pushing… I'm worried! Cuz I know the drug thing too damn well to believe that you can make it all by yourself."

She hated the way he pressing lips together, as though fighting a laugh. "Whatever."

He stopped her as she twisting the knob.

"Is there something wrong between you and Alex?"

She stilled.

"If she's getting tired of…"

"Aw," she groaned, "just shut the fuck up, Elliot. Whatever you're thinking, it's not like that."

Just before she finished, his phone went out.

One glance at his face, she could tell it was a text from Alex.

"I swear, Elliot."

"She's gonna find out sooner or later." He said, holding the phone.

"Do NOT tell her! God dammit!"

"I have no reason. Liv, it's the right thing to do." He looked down at his hand.

"DON'T!"

His wrist was gripped tightly in her hand.

"You wanna a reason? How about I can't lose her trust! I can't fail her! It's the only thing I have, you son of a bitch!"

Elliot stunned, scanning her eyes back and forth, until his cellphone went silent.

In the death quietness, he heard himself. "You two slept together?"

Their eyes locked.

Just one second and Elliot blinked his staring away, taking her wordless reply.

His Benson Radar disappeared.

Her familiar scent disappeared.

Even his physical body disappeared as well.

…

To Olivia, out of the brief startle, that unnoticeable suspected smirk hanging on the corner of his mouth, suddenly felt offensive. But before she threw back something, he continued. "H-How does that feel? I'm sorry for snooping, but no, I'm not sorry for feeling it unbelievable and," his jaw tightened, "ridiculous!"

As things happened that night replayed in her mind. "You're such an ass, Stabler…"

"What these tears for, Olivia?" He narrowed eyes to her silent sobbing. "Did she hurt you? She made the first move, didn't she? After what you have been through and that bitch still did this to you?! God… Now I got why the hell that BITCH acted so damn desperate to get close to you and-"

A slap on his face, leaving both of them in shock.

"Don't, you, ever, talk about her like this!" Black spot started dancing in front of her eyes as the room spinning. She gripped harder on the cane, clenched teeth. "It was ME who started it, longing for nothing but making a normal love to her, if that is what you wondered. I love her!"

"Bullshit! You were not even gay last time I checked!"

"And you were not an asshole I remembered! God, you disappointed so much, Elliot…"

"I did? I shattered everything I built with sweat and blood just for redeeming you, and now you're disappointed?!" His eyes reddened as he raising voice. "I ripped my fucking heart out to you and you go gay for a woman, Olivia, really? Did, did you do this to me on purpose? To punish me or something? You still couldn't forgive me, right?"

"NO! Listen, Elliot, you know what the difference between you and her?" She was gasping now, covered with cold sweat. "She never asks feed back, not like yours. Yes, call me selfish, but the bloody truth is I'm afraid that can not give back things anymore! I wish I could, but I'm not able to!… I can't even have sex without freaking out and hurting people. You wanna hear that details? …I'm not the same Olivia anymore, Elliot, the faster you accept this the earlier you'll be on the same page with me… And it's not about me forgiving you or punishment, don't flatter yourself. It's my heart." She took a step closer, looking him in the eye. "I'm in love with her. El, for the first time in my life, I feel so right to fall asleep and wake up with someone by my side. You got problem with that?"

Couldn't fight it anymore, Elliot turned away to hide his tears. That was the moment he suddenly felt thousand miles distant from the brunette who he always had been with anytime anywhere…and he felt alone, as if someone just dug a huge deep hole on his heart.

"No… I'm sorry. I just feel sad, because in the bottom of you life time, you obviously don't know what you really need, Olivia. You've seen dozens of rich girls like the ADA Cabot, who raised as a princess by middle classed parents, covered in sunshine and honey… How many of them ever handled rough life well? Most of them ran immediately away from shit things and victims to start over, move on, cuz people like them are sweethearts of God. They could always start over-"

"Stop!" Jabbing her cane to the ground with a bang, Olivia felt rage and pain chewing her bones. "She's NOT like that! You know nothing about her!"

"Right! But I know YOU! I know my eleven years partner well enough to know how hard and rare it is for her to give her heart away! So I'm afraid… What if someday she hurts you and-"

"You ARE hurting me right now!" She shouted, hearing her ears ringing.

"No, doing drug is hurting you, grasping blindly at straws is hurting you… not me."

"You have no right… Get the hell out of my way. I'm-" words died on her tongue as something hot suddenly dripping down from her nostril. Immediately, she raised her head and leaned upward.

The blood on the back of her hand scared him. And even worse, before he reacted, her body had already started to fall backward.

"Liv!"

…

When Elliot's concern face reappearing in her sight, she found herself was back in the crib. They were still in the lounge room, where had been visibly lit up in the coming dawn.

"Thank God…," Relief washed over him, seeing her eyes blinked open. "I was about to call a bus. How are you feeling?"

"I-" Just one word, and the killing pain in her head shot back.

He noticed. "Where does it hurt? You ok?"

She took a breath in, only felt it getting worse. "Nothing. I just, wanna sit up."

"You think it's a good idea? Not sure your nose bleeding stopped…"

Things flashed back with that, right away making her so determined to get out of here, away from him.

Brushing him away, she struggled to sit straight, and then tried to stand up.

"Liv, slow down… Liv… Hey!" _Damn_.

Eventually, she made it to her feet, anyway. Though the unbearable headache and dizziness, shattered her courage of moving forward.

"Go home?"

Nodded slightly, she didn't resist his helping hands.

* * *

><p>All the way of driving, Olivia had kept her eyes tightly shut and fought tooth and nail to hold the rising uncomfortableness in bay. It felt like she could throw up any second, or hear her own head explode like a bomb. She swore, if she still had her gun on the hip, she would definitely have shot herself ten times by now.<p>

When they finally got the parking lot beside Alex's apartment building, Olivia pushed her side door open as soon as the car stopped, and vomited her gut out. After that, Elliot picked her exhausted body up straight away.

Within 20 minutes, he had gotten her in the bed, called her therapist to cancel today's session, brought her water, meds, and watched her took some.

"Thanks. I'm better now. Just want to sleep."

"You mean, you want me to leave."

Her lips moved, but no word came out.

"Alright." He turned to the door. "Need me to call Alex? I mean, just in case she's worried."

Looking back, he saw her eyes closed.

"Nah. I'll call her." She whispered.

"I won't say anything. You have my word." He waited, not sure she pass out or just ignored him. "You rest. I'll leave after you fall asleep." He said before walking out of the bedroom.

As the door closed, Olivia Benson lifted eyelids and took over her cellphone. There were two missed calls and a voice message from Alex:

-"Hey, wanna hear your voice too… Well, I'm still glad you slept early tonight, though. How's your day? You didn't drink too much coffee, did you? Call me when you wake up, k? I miss you."-

_Miss you too… Miss you so much..._

Thinking about that, Her eyes watered up.

**(TBC)**

* * *

><p><strong>Ok, one big question coming : what do you think if Olivia ends up dead and loved? Don't hit me. I know I'm evil but...<strong>

**Please review! **


	36. Chapter 36

_**Soooooo sorry for the long time absence. I'm kinda having a problem of getting my muse back.**_

_**But here I am! Finally! And I promise this chapter got all my concentration and big plan.**_

_**Please, read and review.**_

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 36<strong>

**-Alex's Apartment-**

Suddenly feeling ashamed for taking so long to get the door, Olivia subconsciously ran a quick look up and down her body, before twisting the knob. Damn. That metal foot showed out beneath her pants, still didn't look any less creepy. Dragging her pants a little bit down to cover that, she took a deep breath.

_C'mon… It's just Melinda Warner…_

Though, physically, she was not actually allowed to care that much about anything but the bone-chewing pain all over her body.

Another breath, she opened the door. "Hey, M-…"

"Sorry, Olivia, it's me." Kathy Stabler smiled dryly, while Olivia's face fell. "I'm here because…it's actually impossible for anyone holding a medical license to help you with this problem off record." She let the informations sinking, watching how surprise, disappointment and anger flashed in those brown eyes. "…Doctor Warner neither."

Olivia froze. Her instinct was to just slam the door into this woman's face. But somehow, "is it your idea or Elliot's?"

"Liv, I'm sorry…"

Kathy rolled her eyes as Elliot Stabler showing himself from the sidewall shadow.

"Get the hell out of here."

"Olivia!" He got the door before it slammed shut. "I have NO choice. There's a tough case on them, and Melinda's been living under the lawyer's radar for a while, as well as the whole team. What am I supposed to do?"

Her sore shoulder kept pushing the door. "So you just lied to me? You never change, do you?!"

"It's for your own good, Olivia. Please. You need this. You know it's the right thing to do. For Alex's sake at least. I'm sorry for her old man but isn't it a perfect chance for you to get clean? You want her to see you through?" He muted voice in the last sentence.

(Fuck you).

Though, his words somehow got her.

* * *

><p><strong>-Hospital-<strong>

**-Los Angeles-**

Alex Cabot spotted her mom as soon as she got out of her father's hospital room. Her heart ached in how small and wizened her mother looked over there. It'd been only, one year maybe, and her mom seemed had grown ten years older.

"How are you holding up, mom?" Taking the skinny, cold hand of her mother's, Alex sat down next to her.

"I feel…It's time, Lexie."

The calm and acceptance seeping from all those deep wrinkles, felt stung. "No, don't say that, ma. Dad's not that old yet! He's strong."

"It's stage 3 already…"

Alex lifted her eyes to the direction of where her father was, seeing the blurriness floating in her view. "No…"

"Don't cry, silly girl. It's just part of life. Yeah, I know it's hurt. Shhh… "

In her mom's arms, Alex let herself break down.

* * *

><p><strong>-Alex's Apartment-<strong>

"I'm sorry, Kathy, for losing it. I just don't like the surprise."

"No need to say this. I even expected worse, you know, about his coming here with me. But, well, he seems just couldn't trust me any less after… signed the paper. Anyway… you are ok with his waiting outside? I asked him out just…"

"Yes, please.

He's been guarding me for days, treating me like some fucking prisoner. So…" She frowned, pinching the bridge of her nose trying to ease her headache. "Um, you want anything? I was about to make coffee."

"Water is fine. Thanks." The blond said, unbuttoning her coat while heading to the living room. "Mmmm, it smells like college girls' dormitory. I can't even remember when was the last time my place felt this sweet." Though, she felt the small talk was dumb. Glancing around, she quickly got what the fresh perfume was truly for when her nose catching the alcohol in the air.

At the same time, with her back to her guest, Olivia suddenly felt the old familiar urge of running away kicked in. All these years, whenever she was in The Stablers' house, for whatever reason, she always got a little bit unexplainable upset. The Elliot she working with and the self she knew, felt oddly different showering in the air of "home flavor", which did nothing but reminded her who her partner really was and how ridiculously apart her life was from the so called normal, which always made her heard wanted nothing but returning to the squad, the field, so they could just be detective Benson and Stabler, busying with saving the world. She thought she would get use to it, could just ignore it, but obviously, she still failed in this. Yeah, of course, she didn't even have a squad to hide in, but also, the Kathy Stabler was not a Stabler anymore, and they were't in their house even.

_So, why?_

She asked herself. Why still felt so unwilling to accept some help from this woman, a nurse, a mother who just went through hell also.

_Damn. Why has to be her?_

_You hate her?_

But her heart denied right away. Oppositely, she felt some level of sympathy for this blond, as a woman, as a friend, as a mother who lost baby…

_How did he ask her to do this…by telling her that I'm gay now?_

"…right?"

Olivia blinked, searching quickly for the words she heard but didn't comprehend when her mind was somewhere else. "House with kids running everywhere is sweet, if you ask me. Here is…Sorry for the mess…"

Kathy turned, met Olivia holding a glass standing right in the middle of her view line. Anyway, she already spotted the wine bottles on the kitchen counter. _This bad, huh?_ That was when she took a good look at the woman she came to help with. She could tell that the brunette must have done some necessary job on that pale face, but it only drew more of her attentions on those dark circles and blood shot eyes. Also, she saw her pain and distracted from that uncomfortable micro-body-language and sweaty forehead. Surprisingly, it didn't moisten any of the dried up vengeance-river in her heart, but sort of triggered her maternal instinct deep inside.

_So, what people said is true: stripped the costume of this marriage and old role, SHE could really just be a simple woman._

_Just a partner of his… well, an ex partner… Ex, like me._

"Olivia, let me just be straight. I know that… things between us are…really awkward since, you know, maybe forever, though… today, I'm not coming to fix or break anything, but to help, just as a nurse technically, if you don't mind. And I'm not doing this for Elliot's sake or even yours, believe it or now. I feel… I need a closure, after this lifetime… drama. So I can truly move on, without hate, regret and burden." She paused, feeling those brown eyes scanning on her face. "I doubt that we will ever meet any time soon, or ever again," she shrugged in a brief smile, "after this, to be honest. So I really hope that, for one time, even one last time, we could just spend some… peaceful time together, woman to woman, as if the first meet, with some simple trust in here." She said with a hand pressing on her chest.

For a moment, Olivia's mouth half was open but no word came out. She was so astonished and moved in this precious sincerity and honesty, that even made her feel ashamed and even undeserved, considering whatever going on in her mind minutes ago. "I trust you." A small smile crawled up her face, as she welcoming the blondie's hug.

* * *

><p><strong>-The Dinner of the hospital-<strong>

"You're losing weight, Lexie. This job is draining you."

"Isn't that a good thing? Most people do their best to be thin. By the way, you said this every time you see me, mom. Relax. Everything's fine. I'm just the same." She smiled, taking another bite of her salad. Though, she knew her mother didn't buy it.

"When will you be back?"

Alex slowly moved away her eyes. Her mother's gazing were almost like an innocent child waiting for hearing the date of vacation end. "I uh, don't know yet. Need to call my boss."

"But won't be more than days, right?"

She couldn't make down her food anymore, as Olivia's face popping in her mind.

"I'm sorry. It's just…I'm just saying, maybe… maybe…"

Their eyes locked. The daughter waited patiently.

"If, I just say if, you're seeing anyone, like serious seeing, your dad will be more than happy to meet him. Just have a dinner or something. You know, you're the only kid we have and… your dad really worries about you a lot. You know what, one day he woke up in the morning, told me he dreamed you're dating a good-looking lawyer who is a jackass deep inside."

Alex tried very hard not to show any inappropriate expression to her old mother who already looked as if treading on eggs now, though, her chest tightened in how much her mother respected her personal life. Her parents never asked anything from their only daughter, after raised her, educated her, sent her to law-school… But now she couldn't even give the first and only thing her father truly wanted, which could very likely be the last family meeting with his presence…Food in her stomach now felt like rocks.

"Hey, don't look so stressed. I'm just saying. I know how busy you are, and-"

"Mom," she lay down her fork. "Actually, I am seeing someone, and not a jackass lawyer." And she added quickly before too much light lit up in her mother's eyes. "But…" That was when she got cold feet. _You could've just told them there's no one._

But she felt her back was against the wall already, under her mother's staring.

_So what? You're gonna tell your Catholic mother that her daughter turned gay right here right now?_

Thousand thoughts ran in and out of Alex Cabot's mind. And before she knew it. "It's not a _him_."

* * *

><p><strong>-Alex's Apartment-<strong>

Tension felt had been diluted in the air, as the two women pushed apart the longest hug they'd ever had.

"C'mon, let's sit down. You're shaky." Kathy smiled, taking over the glass with one hand, and the other already under Olivia's armpit.

Surprisingly, the brunette just let her.

"Thank you." Olivia heard herself whisper, biting down a wince when she shifting weight. She even doubted whether she could make it to the couch.

"When will Alex be back? How are you doing on your own?"

"Her Dad's hospitalized, so she probably needs to be with them for another week or so. I uh, been doing some part-time job, recently. You know… doing nothing could be ten times tiring than doing everything. You? I'm very sorry about," she regretted already. _What you gonna bring up? The divorce or the baby's death?_ Thanked God. They were already beside the couch, and Kathy took over the awkward tongue-tied.

"Yeah, rough year… Here we go. You ok? You're sweating."

Sinking into the couch, Olivia sighed in a life-saving relief. Even with a worsening headache due to the sitting position, it still eased her clenching teeth when her legs could finally off pressures. "Still breathing. It will pass…"

"How are you feeling recently?"

"Good days, bad days…"

"And today is relatively…"

"Not that bad. I suppose."

"How's your leg?"

"Yeah, comparing to last month, everything's much better." She got uncomfortable when Kathy staring at that prosthesis.

"I see you walk pretty well. Practice a lot? Don't for get your good leg needs time to heal."

"I know. My doctor said the same. The good leg with a crappy knee. But, still…" she shrugged.

Kathy gently put a hand on Olivia's left knee, which already had two surgeries. "Feels swelled. Must hurt."

"Just looks worse than it really is."

"So, that is true."

She lifted eyes to meet hers.

"Badass Benson never listens to the doctor."

Olivia rolled her eyes with a sad smile. "Not that badass anymore… Look what I need for you here now?"

Kathy's hand found hers. "You just went through hell, Liv."

The way she called her Liv, somehow gave a warm squeeze on her heart.

"Hey, your palm's very hot. Hope it's not a feverish-" As the brunette jerked away, Kathy's hand awkwardly froze in the middle way before touching Olivia's forehead. "I'm sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."

"Oh, f…" Her eyes closed in frustration and shame. "No, no, it's me. I feel so stupid… It's been so long but I'm still jumpy."

"It's normal…"

The brunette shook her head and stopped Kathy. "I know. I know… It just-" feels never end. "Yes, I've been having this cold sweating for days."

"Olivia, when did you start using?"

The nurse's tone turned serious, while her eyes scanning burningly on Olivia's face. That was when all these makeup, perfume… got ridiculous to Olivia. "I… assume that Elliot has told you everything."

"Not everything. Besides, I want to hear from you."

Olivia took a breath. "About a month ago." She swallowed drily, hearing herself actually saying this out.

"What kind of drug? How often?" She asked calmly and professionally, noticing Olivia fisted when she eyed on those trembling fingers.

"I-I don't know, really. That is what I need you to find out for me. Just, white pills. Tasted bitter… it's some kind of sedative. I guess, cuz it makes my sleep better. But, actually, I already haven't been using it for days."

"And how's the withdrawal symptom?"

"Slight fever, cold sweat, accompanied by muscle sore, palpitations, nausea, sometimes hands shaking."

"I know it's extremely hard for you. Elliot should've told me earlier…Any hallucination, auditory?"

"No. Not really."

"Okay… I think it might be too bad, because it's been several days, which should be the hardest time already. So…" She took over her bag, digging out a small plastic cup and test kit. "Urine test is the fastest. Let's find ou tand then I'll give you some medicine."

"Thank you, Kathy. And thank Elliot... I'm shamed."

"Don't say that."

She took the test kit, whispered. "How fast I can get rid of this?"

"You're not deep involed. Maybe a week, I guess, you'll be off the symptom. But totally clean, takes time and willpower."

The brunette nodded, while Alex's voice echoing around her ears: **_I'm in love with you, Olivia..._** "Yes, I can do this." She heard herself smiling.

* * *

><p><strong>-The Dinner of the hospital-<strong>

"You, you mean…"

"Yeah."

The old lady swallowed hard. "Do I know her?"

"Yes,,,"

"Don't tell me it's Olivia Benson."

This time, Alex answered her mother with a quiet gazing, while feeling the air thickened and pressed in her face like a pillow.

Eventually, Mrs Cabot slowly rose to her feet and walked away, leaving her daughter sitting there, eyes full of tears.

**(TBC)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>So, seems Liv finally accepted this love, and decided to fight for it, but Alex had to face some tough choices.<strong>_

_**If you were Alex, what would you do? You like the scenes of Kathy and Olivia?**_

_**please don't forget to leave your opinion! You have no idea how important your review is for me!**_

_**Also, this story is heading to its finale :)**_


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